Yo.
I would like to thank Denmark for taking the heat off of America for now. It’s a breathe of fresh air to see a flag burned on TV by religious fanatics that isn’t an American flag. Was there no one at that paper’s staff meeting who thought that maybe they shouldn’t piss off the one group of people in this world who don’t need anymore reason to be pissed? I’m not even Muslim but even I knew that you can’t replicate an image of Mohammed. Good move Denmark. Thank you for allowing us to inadvertently pass the baton that garners so much hate worldwide. It gets lonely at the top so it’s nice to have you here with us. Well slightly above us actually.
I guess I should also congratulate any company who makes Canadian Maple Leaf t-shirts too. Now Americans aren’t the only ones who will be traveling abroad, forced to deny their home country by way of wearing a Canadian t-shirt. Congrats!
Moving on to something even more mundane.
I am normally not one to buy whatever hip product corporate America deems I should through their elaborate ad campaigns used to attempt at instilling in one the false sense that if one were to buy whatever it is they’re selling, then one’s life would somehow be better. From shoes that have a pump in them to Crystal Pepsi to marriage, I have resisted. I have resisted because I am most often not financially capable of purchasing whatever it is they are selling. Yes, that includes translucent Pepsi. However, there is one thing that I have purchased, based solely on an advertisement, that has actually made my life a little easier. “A mail order bride?” No. Not yet anyway. I’m saving up. The one thing I have purchased that has made life a little easier, as trivial as it may sound, is the Gillette Fusion razor.
I hate shaving. I actually loathe it. I remember as a teenager anticipating the day I would see even a little bit of facial hair. The idea of being able to shave seemed like an indication that I was finally becoming a man. I was a stupid teenager. Finally the day came when I felt it necessary to shave. Not because I really needed to but because I felt it was my duty as a man to. I lathered my face up with shaving cream and took to my face with a single bladed plastic razor. When I was done, I had almost as much blood on my face as George W. Bush has on his hands. SNAP!
For years it seemed there had to be a better way. I tried the double blade. That sucked. The triple blade came out and that sucked a little less. Still hated shaving though. I even bought an electric shaver once but one morning the screen covering the blades broke and tore a chunk out of my face. Not to where I was permanently scarred but I was permanently off of electric shavers after that. Then the Quattro hit shelves.
The Schick Quattro promised a faster, smoother shave. How could a razor that shared the same attributes as my dream woman be all bad? I bought it and while the razor did cut down on my time spent in front of the mirror trying not to cut myself, it was still shaving. It was at this point I began to experiment with rocking the beard. Being Irish and Scottish, and because I’m pretty sure God hates me, I have been ‘blessed’ with red facial hair. I have light brown hair so a guy with a red beard and brown hair can look pretty dorky. Trust me.
Because of the color of my facial hair, and the applied apathy exuded by one’s having a beard, I was forced to shave every couple of days. One night I was stumbling through Not-Target at three am and saw a bright orange display for the Gillette Fusion. A five bladed razor? What? What the eff? Five had to be better than four. It usually is unless you’re comparing Jacksons to Beatles but I digress.
So I shelled out the nine bucks it cost and went straight home. Where else is a guy with a red beard, brown hair and a severe case of self-loathing gonna go at three am? “You’re girlfriend’s house?” I don’t have a girlfriend and you know it! Everyone knows it by now!
I went into the bathroom and lathered up my face. I usually let the shaving cream stay on my face for a minute or two because one of the guys on Queer Eye said that by doing that you diminish the harmful effects that shaving has on your face. As one whose face isn’t all that great to see to begin with, I like to take every precaution to not make it any worse for everyone who sees me.
I opened up the razor package and to my surprise found that the Fusion doesn’t have just five razors, but a sixth razor for facial hair trimming. Six! This has got to be a boom year for Guatemalan blade factories. I should have never sold that razor stock I never owned.
So now was the true test. I began to shave and low and behold shaving with the Fusion was easier than any woman you’d pick up at Rodeo. Too harsh? Ok. Graham’s. I think my razor has more teeth than the women you see at Graham’s though.
It took less than five minutes to shave my behemoth like face. I was quite pleased. With the new Gillette Fusion I am now able to spend way more time watching crappy television or writing this blog. Lucky you, right?
Alright. That’s enough. Enough of my wasting your time with stupid diatribes about new razors. You deserve better than that. Should I tell you about the dream I had last night where I lived in NY with my girlfriend, who just happened to be Emma Watson? I shouldn’t? Then I won’t. Fine. Your loss sucka.
Speaking of suckas, I figured that for my Black History Month Fun Fact I would post some fun facts about one of my favorite black actors, Mr. T. So here ya go.
JOEL’S BLACK HISTORY MONTH FUN FACT!
Mr. T was born Lawrence Tureaud May 21, 1952 in Chicago. Why they haven’t renamed Chicago ‘Mr. T Land’ is beyond me.
Mr. T. Was twice named Toughest Bouncer in America. I don’t know who votes in that type of thing. Probably pitied fools.
A BBC-run poll revealed that Brits felt Mr. T was the fourth most influential American in history, behind Homer Simpson, Abraham Lincoln and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Yet another reason Brits are cooler than we are. Yes they are and you know it. The Beatles and Ricky Gervais aren’t American. There you go. End of argument.
If you ask him what his real name is, he will tell you, “My first name is ‘Mr,’ my middle name is ‘period,’ last name is ‘T’” Mr. T is officially one of the coolest mofoes on the planet, fool!
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Right Right Now Now by The Beastie Boys off of the album To The Five Burroughs. Any song with the lyric “Well I’m a funky-ass Jew and I’m on my way and yes I got to say f–k the KKK.” is alright by me.
MOVIE - Ben Folds and WASO: Live at Perth. This is a concert movie of a performance by one of my favorite artists, Ben Folds. He is responsible for writing one of the best love songs ever written. The Luckiest. That song embodies how I feel when I’m in love. Seeing as how hat hasn’t happened in over half a decade it’s good t be reminded now and again that love isn’t all bad. I’m such a sentimental loser.
Holla.
- Joel