JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

The tops news story is that Mardi Gras was celebrated successfully in storm ravaged New Orleans. That’s just what people who have lost everything need right now. Here New Orleans, go ahead and throw a big party! Your town was destroyed, the government turned it’s back on you and there are more homeless people there than ever before, but seriously, go ahead and party. That’s what life’s all about, right? I’m glad that reveling in frivolity took place despite tragedy. Finally!

I don’t want to come off as bitter, but let’s go ahead and prioritize. I know that Mardis Gras brings tourists, but what if those tourists did something worthwhile while they were there? Like build a house or take that money they spent on booze and trinkets and helped a homeless person out. That’s just a thought.

MTV is actually doing something that is almost making up for being a sub par music network. Yes it is too . Have you seen ‘Date My Mom’? Case closed. Anyway, they are presenting an ‘Alternative Spring Break’ which is taking volunteers willing to give up their spring break for something other than drinking and one-night stands. They are proposing that young people spend their spring break helping victims of Katrina by volunteering their time in the clean up effort. They also have a list of suggestions of things you can do in your own town if you aren’t able to trek to the storm area.

www.mtv.com/thinkmtv/features/alternative_spring_break/

Check out the link. It has a lot of good ideas. Besides, doing something good for your community is a lot better than catching something you really don’t want or being hung over for a week straight. No one feels better about themselves after being on Girls Gone Wild. I promise.

As one who really wouldn’t consider himself a ‘real man’ I did something yesterday that was pretty damn manly. “Talk to a girl?” No. Not that manly. I went to the gun range. “So?” Ok. I went to the gun range and fired some guns. “Holy crap! You are a real boy!” Yeah.

My friend Billy called me and asked if I wanted to go to the gun range so I figured since I had nothing planned but to watch a marathon of Celebrity Fit Club on VH1, it would probably be in my best interest to go.

I went and picked Billy up and we headed out to H&H Gun Range. Keep in mind that I’m not anti-gun but I am anti-people being armed to the teeth. Also, I am uneasy around guns. I wasn’t raised in OK so guns were never a part of my formidable years. I did live near a rough area in CA though so you would think that I would have been strapped, but I’m a wuss.

So Billy and I go in there and rent a lane. It was kind of like bowling only with bullets. Keep in mind I know absolutely nothing as far as guns are concerned. I know as much about them as I do about cars. I have a general knowledge of how to use one but absolutely no idea how it works. At one point one of the people there asked what caliber gun Billy was shooting and I told him I had no idea. I kind of felt bad about my response because the guy was in a gun range wearing a ‘Grumpy’ the dwarf t-shirt. Not a good idea to make that guy mad I felt.

I started out by shooting a .22 hand gun. That was pretty simple. I thought I was doing pretty good. The gun felt powerful to me. Then Billy decided to go ahead do some rifle shots. He had a .44 rifle. I could tell there was a huge difference between the girly .22 I was shooting and the .44 rifle. I wasn’t feeling all ‘Lee Harvey Oswaldy’ so I opted to not use the rifle. Then Billy decided to shoot off the biggest damn hand cannon I’ve ever seen. A .44 magnum.

He told me that once he started shooting, people would stop and look to see what he was shooting. He was right. That thing was ridiculously loud. I got the impression that a .44 is not the type of gun you use to suggest anything. That’s the kind of gun that would make the point and also leave a huge gaping hole for good measure. He asked if I wanted to try it. I told him I would fire off one shot. He handed me the gun and he told me to brace myself and showed me how to hold it so as not to bruise my hand. That’s a comfort. I stood there aiming at the soon to be obliterated paper target. I slowly squeezed the trigger with every muscle in my body bracing for an explosion. The hammer slowly made it’s way back and then it clicked. Noithing happened. I tried again. Nothing. I turned around and looked at Billy. I told him it wasn’t working. He asked me if I had loaded it. I hadn’t. And you thought I was making all that stuff up about my ineptitude concerning firearms.

I loaded a single bullet and then got ready to fire. I braced myself and pulled the trigger. This time it worked. It felt like someone had punched me in the face that thing was so powerful. I didn’t even hit the target either. That was fine with me. I wasn’t about to fire off that hand bazooka any time soon. And I also effed my hand up.

Billy decided to go ahead and rent a .45. He was looking at buying one so he wanted to try one out. That turned out to be a more ‘Joel friendly’ weapon. I was popping caps like it was no one’s business.

I ended up having a lot of fun but I still don’t get that culture. I just don’t see the point. The most disconcerting thing about the whole day was people who were there with their kids. I know this might open up a whole can of worms concerning how people feel about their guns and involving their kids. I can honestly say, as far as I’m concerned, I won’t be teaching my kids how to use a gun. Sure kids need to be aware of them but I’m not going to teach my kid to use a gun. It’s not a fear of guns but a fear of pissing my child off. I’m pretty sure that at some point I will ground my child and I don’t want the option to be there for my kid to pop a cap in me. That wouldn’t be good at all.

So yeah. That’s all I got for today. Lucky you right? Wait a minute. That’s not true. It’s time for Joel’s Black History Fun Fact!

JOEL’S BLACK HISTORY FUN FACT!

LL Cool J is in pretty good shape. I also look exactly like him.

That’s the laziest Fun Fact yet. Sue me. Well don’t sue me because you wouldn’t make any money.

RIGHT NOW

Movie - Punch Drunk Love - I’ve suggested it before but let me go ahead and say for the record that Adam Sandler will be nominated for an Academy Award within the next three years. Yes. That Adam Sandler.

Song - Question Mark by Esquivel. This is my new theme song. It’s so bad and cheesy but endearing in a special type of way. Just like me.

Holla.

- Joel

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

In my having been absent from the ‘blog-o-sphere’ so much hasn’t happened to me. I didn’t win the lottery or write any offensive cartoons. Nothing exciting at all. I’m possibly the most boring person on the planet. You’re welcome.

Unlike my real life, so much is going on in the world. So many things that I have an opinion on. I guess since I’ve lagged behind, I’d better use this valuable time to catch up. Here we go.

The Eddie Sutton Debacle. Please understand I’m not that big a sports fan. At all. I love baseball followed by basketball and then Olympic Curling. Professional Curling has lost it’s innocence what with all the endorsement deals and egotistical players. However, I am a fan of people who have had success in their life then lose all of it because of one bad mistake. I find that to be sad-larious. That’s a combination of sad and hilarious for those of you watching at home.

Here is a guy who, regardless of his liver abusing antics, will still go down in history as one of the greatest college coaches of all time. That’s good because his accomplishments really should outweigh his youthful indiscretions. What’s that? He actually is old enough to know better than to get plastered at work then get in a car then drive home? Huh. Well I’ll be damned.

I am glad he is getting charged. We are talking about someone who had no regard for anyone but himself when he got into his car to drive. Sure we’ve all driven buzzed, and I know buzzed IS drunk driving. Thanks commercials. However a majority of us have not cracked our heads on the pavement before taking the wheel. A head wound is usually a good sign you probably shouldn’t drive. That and most of us don’t get plowed at work. If you’re reading this, and you don’t work in fast food or coach at OSU, I’m pretty sure that you would get fired for getting sauced at work immediately. I don’t feel empathy towards anyone who endangers people by driving drunk. Especially someone who has been put in charge of being a mentor to young people.

We need to stop treating people with even the slightest bit of celebrity any different than you or I would get treated. If we drove drunk, hit the same car three times, then plowed into a ditch, then had a blood alcohol level rivaling that of President Bush at eighteen or me on St. Patrick’s Day, we would get arrested and have the book thrown at us. The worse the almighty coach will get is probation. I hope the woman he hit sues the pants off that guy. I hope he gets fired. It’s not because I’m an OU fan, because I would be saying the same thing if it was Coach Sampson, or Stoops or anyone who does that.

Now that I’ve shot off a few rounds about that let’s move on to Dick Cheney shooting somebody. I am truly amazed at how powerful the Bush administration is. Dick Cheney shoots someone and the guy he shot apologizes to him! That’s fantastic manipulation right there! In the spirit of that I am going to take this time to apologize for certain things that have happened to me. Here we go…

Amber, I’m sorry I made you cheat on me. I know I was wrong for being in a committed relationship with you and having been in love with you. I am sorry that I displayed nothing but care for you. I can totally understand how you would see that as a detriment. I apologize for making you into the manipulative hooker you turned out to be.

I would like to apologize to President Bush. I’m sorry Mr. President for constantly questioning your poor leadership, your lying and your manipulation of government to reflect your personal beliefs. I can clearly see now that it is my fault you are the worst leader this country has ever seen. Please forgive me.

I would also like to apologize to my ex-roommate Chris. I’m sorry you’re an introverted loser who wears their dream career on their hat. It was clearly my fault you stiffed me out of four hundred bucks and then went ahead and talked trash about me and my friend Jason all over town because you don’t have the talent or motivation to accomplish anything other than creeping people out. My bad.

I would like to apologize to my dad for beating me daily as a child. I’m sorry you hated me. I’m also sorry you broke the remote because you beat me with it. That’s clearly my fault as well. Actually my dad never beat me. I was just making the point that it is ridiculous to apologize for something someone else did to you. Especially when what that thing resulted in your getting shot in the damn face for crying out loud!

Ok. What else can I talk about? President Bush handing the keys to our ports over to a company based out of Dubai? Two of the highjackers from 9-11 were based out of Dubai by the way. Just a little fun fact for you. Perhaps I can talk about how it looks like Roe Vs. Wade is going to get overturned. Yeah. I’ll go with that.

I think that it is harmful for the government to outlaw abortion. Is abortion wrong? As a means of birth control, sure. When some Paris Hilton type is getting an abortion every month because she’s too stupid to use birth control, that’s a little extreme. However abortion, at least for now, is legal. Now if some thirteen year old girl gets attacked and impregnated by her HIV positive uncle, and she needs to get an abortion to save her life, she can get one. She can do that because it is legal. To say that a rape victim is breaking the law because they have an abortion is appalling.

I also fear the logic that dictates because something is against the law that somehow that will curb the action. If that were true there would be no murders or drug use or theft. I’m not condoning some sort of lawless land but to assume that by outlawing abortion you’re saving lives is ludicrous. If anything you’re just putting the person pregnant at danger. Abortion might stop a beating heart but a law isn’t going to stop abortions.

Pro-life means after you’re born too. At least it should mean that.I know a lot of people who are pro-life but are pro-death penalty. That cracks me up. “We can’t kill something before it dies! No! We have to wait until it’s born then we can send it to war!” Abortion is killing potential investors, that’s why people are upset. By investors I mean Republicans.

Perhaps our government could be better put to use investigating why there are soldiers dying in a war based on a lie. Or a lucrative under the table deal concerning our already under protected ports being turned over to a country that has openly shown support for terrorists, who also kill people. Perhaps investigating the travesty that was Hurricane Katrina is in order. Oh wait. They are black and we all know how the government feels about black people, even if they don’t openly say it. Actions speak louder than words and the actions of our government during and since Katrina speak volumes.

So now that I’ve said a whole bunch that warrants a good ol’ fashioned redneck ass kicking, let’s move on to something a little less controversial. Joel’s Black History Fun Fact! Yay!

JOEL’S BLACK HISTORY FUN FACT!

Jaleel White, the actor who played Steve Urkel on Family Matters, turns thirty this year! Happy early birthday Jaleel! Another fun fact,I appeared on Teen, Win Lose, or Draw with the girl who played Laura on Family Matters. That’s kind of cool. Yes it is. Don’t argue with me.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - The Brouhaha by The Beastie Boys. How is it that one group can be so good?

MOVIE - Rashomon. One of the best movies I’ve ever seen. You should check it out. And yes, there are subtitles. Stop being lazy and just go get it.

Holla.

- Joel

Yo.

I would like to thank Denmark for taking the heat off of America for now. It’s a breathe of fresh air to see a flag burned on TV by religious fanatics that isn’t an American flag. Was there no one at that paper’s staff meeting who thought that maybe they shouldn’t piss off the one group of people in this world who don’t need anymore reason to be pissed? I’m not even Muslim but even I knew that you can’t replicate an image of Mohammed. Good move Denmark. Thank you for allowing us to inadvertently pass the baton that garners so much hate worldwide. It gets lonely at the top so it’s nice to have you here with us. Well slightly above us actually.

I guess I should also congratulate any company who makes Canadian Maple Leaf t-shirts too. Now Americans aren’t the only ones who will be traveling abroad, forced to deny their home country by way of wearing a Canadian t-shirt. Congrats!

Moving on to something even more mundane.

I am normally not one to buy whatever hip product corporate America deems I should through their elaborate ad campaigns used to attempt at instilling in one the false sense that if one were to buy whatever it is they’re selling, then one’s life would somehow be better. From shoes that have a pump in them to Crystal Pepsi to marriage, I have resisted. I have resisted because I am most often not financially capable of purchasing whatever it is they are selling. Yes, that includes translucent Pepsi. However, there is one thing that I have purchased, based solely on an advertisement, that has actually made my life a little easier. “A mail order bride?” No. Not yet anyway. I’m saving up. The one thing I have purchased that has made life a little easier, as trivial as it may sound, is the Gillette Fusion razor.

I hate shaving. I actually loathe it. I remember as a teenager anticipating the day I would see even a little bit of facial hair. The idea of being able to shave seemed like an indication that I was finally becoming a man. I was a stupid teenager. Finally the day came when I felt it necessary to shave. Not because I really needed to but because I felt it was my duty as a man to. I lathered my face up with shaving cream and took to my face with a single bladed plastic razor. When I was done, I had almost as much blood on my face as George W. Bush has on his hands. SNAP!

For years it seemed there had to be a better way. I tried the double blade. That sucked. The triple blade came out and that sucked a little less. Still hated shaving though. I even bought an electric shaver once but one morning the screen covering the blades broke and tore a chunk out of my face. Not to where I was permanently scarred but I was permanently off of electric shavers after that. Then the Quattro hit shelves.

The Schick Quattro promised a faster, smoother shave. How could a razor that shared the same attributes as my dream woman be all bad? I bought it and while the razor did cut down on my time spent in front of the mirror trying not to cut myself, it was still shaving. It was at this point I began to experiment with rocking the beard. Being Irish and Scottish, and because I’m pretty sure God hates me, I have been ‘blessed’ with red facial hair. I have light brown hair so a guy with a red beard and brown hair can look pretty dorky. Trust me.

Because of the color of my facial hair, and the applied apathy exuded by one’s having a beard, I was forced to shave every couple of days. One night I was stumbling through Not-Target at three am and saw a bright orange display for the Gillette Fusion. A five bladed razor? What? What the eff? Five had to be better than four. It usually is unless you’re comparing Jacksons to Beatles but I digress.

So I shelled out the nine bucks it cost and went straight home. Where else is a guy with a red beard, brown hair and a severe case of self-loathing gonna go at three am? “You’re girlfriend’s house?” I don’t have a girlfriend and you know it! Everyone knows it by now!

I went into the bathroom and lathered up my face. I usually let the shaving cream stay on my face for a minute or two because one of the guys on Queer Eye said that by doing that you diminish the harmful effects that shaving has on your face. As one whose face isn’t all that great to see to begin with, I like to take every precaution to not make it any worse for everyone who sees me.

I opened up the razor package and to my surprise found that the Fusion doesn’t have just five razors, but a sixth razor for facial hair trimming. Six! This has got to be a boom year for Guatemalan blade factories. I should have never sold that razor stock I never owned.

So now was the true test. I began to shave and low and behold shaving with the Fusion was easier than any woman you’d pick up at Rodeo. Too harsh? Ok. Graham’s. I think my razor has more teeth than the women you see at Graham’s though.

It took less than five minutes to shave my behemoth like face. I was quite pleased. With the new Gillette Fusion I am now able to spend way more time watching crappy television or writing this blog. Lucky you, right?

Alright. That’s enough. Enough of my wasting your time with stupid diatribes about new razors. You deserve better than that. Should I tell you about the dream I had last night where I lived in NY with my girlfriend, who just happened to be Emma Watson? I shouldn’t? Then I won’t. Fine. Your loss sucka.

Speaking of suckas, I figured that for my Black History Month Fun Fact I would post some fun facts about one of my favorite black actors, Mr. T. So here ya go.

JOEL’S BLACK HISTORY MONTH FUN FACT!

Mr. T was born Lawrence Tureaud May 21, 1952 in Chicago. Why they haven’t renamed Chicago ‘Mr. T Land’ is beyond me.

Mr. T. Was twice named Toughest Bouncer in America. I don’t know who votes in that type of thing. Probably pitied fools.

A BBC-run poll revealed that Brits felt Mr. T was the fourth most influential American in history, behind Homer Simpson, Abraham Lincoln and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Yet another reason Brits are cooler than we are. Yes they are and you know it. The Beatles and Ricky Gervais aren’t American. There you go. End of argument.

If you ask him what his real name is, he will tell you, “My first name is ‘Mr,’ my middle name is ‘period,’ last name is ‘T’” Mr. T is officially one of the coolest mofoes on the planet, fool!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Right Right Now Now by The Beastie Boys off of the album To The Five Burroughs. Any song with the lyric “Well I’m a funky-ass Jew and I’m on my way and yes I got to say f–k the KKK.” is alright by me.

MOVIE - Ben Folds and WASO: Live at Perth. This is a concert movie of a performance by one of my favorite artists, Ben Folds. He is responsible for writing one of the best love songs ever written. The Luckiest. That song embodies how I feel when I’m in love. Seeing as how hat hasn’t happened in over half a decade it’s good t be reminded now and again that love isn’t all bad. I’m such a sentimental loser.

Holla.

- Joel

Good evening peeps. For all the white people that means ‘people’ and not the disgusting candy covered, yellow or pink, marshmallow baby chickens we get around Easter. For all the black person that reads this, sup.

I read something yesterday that seemed unbelievable. It shouldn’t have been as shocking as it was though because it involved Republicans and the Bush Administration. The Washington Post reported that a congressional panel,comprised of ten Republicans and eight Democrats,is working with the Bush Administration, and plans to eliminate funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting in order for those oh so generous tax cuts we have been promised, to be put into place permanently. By ‘we’ I mean the top 1% of the wealthy in this nation, so probably not you and definitely not me.

The Corporation for Public Broadcasting underwrites such shows as Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and Reading Rainbow. These are television shows that I grew up with and hold a special place in my heart for. The financial loss proposed isn’t going to bring an end to these shows but it certainly is going to impact them. Well not Mr. Rogers because, sadly, he is dead and they aren’t making new episodes of that show. It would be pretty weird and disconcerting if they were though. I digress.

Some would argue the programming is better on public television. I can see that. I would rather sit through an hour of Antiques Roadshow than any one of the second rate sitcoms or dramas on network TV. I actually have done that so maybe it’s time to question my sexuality again. I’m kidding.

Some pundits are saying that this congressional action is a result of PBS’s alleged history of liberal leanings in their programming. I can say that of all the times I’ve watched PBS I have either been told to practice tolerance or I learned a new number. I didn’t know tolerance and the alphabet were exclusive to liberals.

Let’s say that PBS is liberal. If I turn it to FOX News, which oozes conservatism like a sore, I more often than not am hearing someone who is speaking as though tolerance is a bad thing and that somehow being tolerant is a detriment to human nature. The same goes for Christian TV. Whether it is attacking Muslims, Gays, African-Americans or anyone who thinks different and who maybe questions authority, they are attacked on a daily basis. Just as Jesus was.

The only thing that PBS is doing in teaching tolerance is just that, teaching. I’ve never felt in the hundreds of hours I’ve spent in my life watching PBS that I was being judged or was being taught to dislike anyone. That is what teaching is, or should be. Teaching should be unbiased and non-judgemental. Just because someone tells you to be tolerant doesn’t mean they are telling you to become whatever it is you’re intolerant of. If I tell you that there are kids growing up with gay parents that doesn’t mean you have to be gay. If I tell you that there are Muslim children, that doesn’t mean you have to convert. I respect and believe in the right of every human being to believe what they want and to do so without the fear of being judged or tormented. I learned that from PBS and the Bible.

PBS did also teach me that ‘one of these things is not like the other’ as well as the dangers of possibly coming in contact with wet paint. PBS also taught me to recognize when a Latin business may be open or closed. Abierto or cerrado. That comes in handy when you’re in Mexico and are really drunk. Trust me.

There is obviously no proof that the cut in funding is a direct result of PBS’s alleged political leanings. Remember though that within the last two years Homeland Security, something that didn’t exist five years ago, wanted to put tracking devices on public computers in libraries as a way to protect the nation. The National Library Association stood up to that and said that they would not allow it. It was at that point the National Library Association was threatened with losing all of it’s federal funding if they didn’t comply. Just ponder that for a second. It’s almost an empirical type of tyranny disguised as protection of the homeland. Kind of like illegally wiretapping Americans. Par for the course I guess.

If the government is looking to cut corners let’s go ahead and stop having congressional hearings on steroid use in baseball, no matter how important I might think that might be as a rabid baseball fan, and maybe look at what is costing the country the most money right now. Our biggest cost? The war! You remember that don’t you? Here are some fun statistics about the cost of the war…..

At the time of this writing we have spent $240 billion dollars on the war. Now I know that might not sound like much to you or I, assuming I’m Bill Gates and you are too, but let me break it down a little further for you because I’m not Bill Gates and just in case you aren’t either. For the same amount of money we’ve spent on this war we could have given medical insurance for a year to 144 million children in the United States. For the same amount of this war we could have sent 12 million kids to a four year public college. The most disturbing fact is that with the amount of money we have spent on this war we could have guaranteed immunization for every child in the world for the next 79 years.

Maybe I’m out of line calling on the government to look into better ways to spend what is essentially our money. Perhaps that’s not right of me to assume that the money we are wasting on a war that is getting little more accomplished then increasing the number widows and fatherless and motherless children here and in Iraq. Maybe I’m wrong for wanting to see the government actually do something for it’s people instead of for themselves. What do I know though? I grew up watching public television so I guess that makes me a liberal tree hugging hippy.

On to more important things.

I officially have become a nerd. I am now on myspace. It was basically a direct result of my friend Jason B. That and incessant peer pressure from all of my other nerdy dork friends. I do have a friend however who met his girlfriend on myspace. She’s a hot Italian doctor so maybe myspace isn’t all bad. He probably got the last one though. That would figure. Check it out if you want. I’ll be your friend.

www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

JOEL’S BLACK HISTORY FUN FACT

Ok so maybe it’s not ‘fun’ but it is a fact. The term ‘cowboy’ was originally used as a way to refer to the slave that tended to the cows or horses. So whenever you run across a racist cowboy, which isn’t as difficult as it should be, just laugh on the inside a little bit because they are essentially proclaiming themselves as a title that was once reserved for African-American slaves. Stupid cowboys.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - 3 MC’s and One DJ by the Beastie Boys - They just did a version of that song on Letterman and, as always, it was incredible. They are one of two acts that I would love to, but have yet to, see live. Ben Folds is the other. Once that’s over with I can move on to aspiring to some other meaningless endeavor. Let’s see who I’ve seen so far. I’ll go ahead and list it for you since you didn’t ask and really don’t care. Cake - Dave Matthews Band 3 times - Dr. Dre - Snoop Dogg - Warren G - Nate Dogg - Eminem - Xzibit - Sahara Hot Nights - Flaming Lips - Perfect Circle - Mars Volta - Justin Timberlake - Christina Aguilera - Reverend Horton Heat 2 times - Black Eyed Peas - White Stripes - Bill Cosby - Jerry Seinfeld - Boxcar Racer - Hot Hot Heat - Pearl Jam - Sir Mix-A-Lot - Vanilla Ice twice. I’m not proud of that at all but it was free so who cares right?

MOVIE - The Aristocrats. Not the movie with the animated singing cats either. This movie is the funniest and dirtiest movie of all time. It is just plain filthy but you will laugh so hard it will hurt. That’s right. I said hurt. You know a movie is good when Bob Saget tells one of the filthiest jokes ever put on film. I highly recommend this movie.

Holla.

- Joel
www.chkona.com

Good day faithful reader.

I know it has been a few days since I’ve written and you just don’t know what to do with yourself. What’s that? You’ve been getting along just fine without my idiocy laced blog? Oh. Time to take up heavy drinking again.

So I have to plan a trip. Not because I want to but because all of my friends are going somewhere fantastic. Peer pressure dictates I must go somewhere. Dwight and Sarah are going to Europe. Scott is moving to Germany. My friend Brian just moved to Dallas. My friend Legarda is going to Mexico. My roommate is in NYC. My family is going to Argentina. Right now all I can maybe do is afford to go as far as Lawton. And that’s a big maybe. Perhaps I should though. Perhaps I should take a trip to the thriving metropolis that isn’t Lawton. I mean I’ve been to a Love’s before but never a Love’s in Lawton. Whoo-boy does that sound that like not fun.

Super bowl sucked otherwise I would write about that. I just don’t like football and don’t want to talk about the three funny commercials. Remember the good old days when there was a chance you might get flashed? Yeah. That was a simpler time.

My friends Jason, Chad and Jacob and myself are getting ready to start recording a weekly podcast. That way you can all finally hear the voice that is attached to the enormous head from which comes the writings you all know and hate come from. I’ll post a link when that happens. I think this will be a great way to get our names out there so maybe someone who is looking for funny radio personalities can stop looking once they hear us. I’m talking to you anyone who is in charge of Oklahoma radio. Aside from Rick & Brad there is little to get excited about in this market. Sorry Joey & Heather and Jack & Ron and Phil & Drew or whomever else thinks they are funny. Then again, they have a show and I don’t so that kind of puts me in my place.

I think I am going to block MTV from my cable. Not for moral reasons but more because I’m tired of watching Next or Date My Mom. It’s not my fault I’m weak and have the television viewing habits of a teenage girl. I can’t help it! Damn you MTV!

So get ready for some anti-Bush rambling. It’s been while since I’ve done that so I’ll make this one short. In the State of the Union Address he said that we need to limit our dependance on foreign oil. That’s like Phillip Morris telling us to stop smoking. Man I really don’t like that guy. He’s so stupid. Like bordering retarded stupid. It’s just incredible.

See. That wasn’t so bad. Wait. I’m not done. President Bush being at Coretta Scott King’s funeral is pretty bad. I guess he thinks showing up at a civil rights pioneer’s funeral should undo all the racial damage done by Katrina. “See black people. I ain’t a bad guy. I came to a funeral! Try to forget that my administration treated you all in a way we secretly think about you anyway.” Yes. I’m saying the president is racist. Like a lot of people in power in are. Don’t believe me? Well ok. Maybe racist is a bit harsh of an implication. Who cares though? I’m just some blog guy who points out the obvious.

Alright let’s get to something more light-hearted. I am thinking about getting a tattoo. Not because I really want one but that I think that if I got one I would kind of up my bad ass quotient to -4 instead of where it stands now which is at -5. I’m like the least manly bad ass dude ever. I don’t own any tools and can’t work on a car. I don’t go to strip clubs or objectify women. I don’t own any porn. I cry at movies. I’ve never even been in a fight. Maybe I’m gay. But that can’t be it. I love women. It’s like a love hate relationship I have between myself and all women. They hate me. Perhaps a tattoo would remedy that because they would think I’m all bad and stuff. “Oh cool. What do you have a tattoo of?” Wait. Now that I think about it I really don’t want a woman who is attracted to tattoos. I mean that’s not a bad thing but I just don’t want to date a woman who considers permanent ink under one’s skin an aphrodisiac.

I guess you could say I have kind of an eclectic taste in women. The other night I was watching Jimmy Kimmel and he had on Jessica Alba. By all accounts she is one of the hottest women on Earth. My roommate turned the channel to Conan and he had on Sara Vowell who by all accounts isn’t one of the hottest women on Earth. We kept it on Conan because I would rather hear Sarah Vowell talk than see Jessica Alba because the odds of her saying something funny and witty aren’t good. Now if there was some sort of Alba-Vowell hybrid, then we’re talking.

So since it is Black History Month I am going to give you guys a real Black History fun fact. Is this a result of white guilt? Maybe. It’s actually more because I think black people are way cooler than white people. It’s true crackas and you know it. Here is the first Black History Fun Fact.

African American baseball player Josh Gibson is considered by many to have been a better baseball player than Babe Ruth. In his short lifetime Josh Gibson hit 962 home runs, and hit 84 of those in one year. His lifetime batting average was .391. Unfortunately Gibson died at the age of thirty-five of a massive stroke. Some believe the stroke was the result of never having been able to play in the major leagues.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Upside Down by Jack Johnson off of the Curious George soundtrack. - I highly recommend this album because I love Jack Johnson. See. I really do need a tattoo.

MOVIE - The Upside of Anger - It will make you glad that you are not a drunk forty-something. If you are you should probably watch this movie and learn a lesson.

That’s all I got people. I know that wasn’t stellar by any means but it’s all I got.

Holla.

- Joel

Good morning, seeing as how it’s pretty effing early. I figured since that hot girl who came over tonight decided to leave just now, after a few hours of sweet love making, I would write something. That’s not true. I’m writing because I just can’t sleep, not because of some hot lady action. Yeah, I’m not surprised either.

It appears I have another critic, which appears not only to dislike me, but who also has enormous fingers. I can only assume that they have enormous fingers because of the poor spelling and lack of proper grammar. It’s either the finger size or the brain size, but I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt.

As I have done before I will post the comment and respond accordingly, since it really isn’t that important anyway.

hey i just got done reading some of yourblogs. (Thank you.) Boy you sure are funny (Double thanks!), not funny haha (Wait a second. This doesn’t sound good.), but funny as in you really think your funny. (Oh. I get it. I actually do think I’m funny. That’s the only thing in my life I’m confident in. Thanks for ruining that for me.) I sorry (Me accept your apology.), but no one needs another artstic free spirt type cast comedian. (I wish I was an artistic free spirit. I’m really just some dope who is kind of funny and has a computer and a lot of free time. That’s about it.) you really must write where people cant read it.(So copy your writing style? Got it.) Its better that way.(So are apostrophe marks.) Ya know if i ramble on long enough i could says something funny (I’m waiting.), its possably.(No it’s notly.) Hey i must be a writer, look how much i wrote. (What the hell?) - bubble_of_doom (The name fits.)

Now I know this is just someone’s opinion. I know that what I write is read by few and enjoyed by even less. However, when it comes to me being funny, that is a fact. As long as I can remember I have been funny. There’s not an ounce of pretension in that either. I don’t believe I’m the funniest person in the world, I just know that I can make people laugh. That’s not a facade that one can just put on either.

I believe you can’t fake funny. You can duplicate almost any personality trait, and make someone believe you are a certain way, when in reality you aren’t. People in most marriages can attest to that. You can pretend to be kind. You can pretend to be smart. You cannot however fake making someone laugh. No one has ever said, “Wow, I laughed a lot at that guy because of things he said or did but it turns out he wasn’t funny at all, despite my laughing at him. It turns out he was ‘fake-funny’. Damn I feel stupid for laughing at him. He really had me fooled.”

As far as assuming that I’m a ‘free-spirit ’ you have no idea. I would like to be a free spirit, however thinking about my apparent illogical fear of dying young and a failure at the same time who will die alone leaving nothing behind but a bunch of subpar writings and memories of the burden I am to other people kind of hinders the free spiritedness with which I’ve been labeled.

As far as being artistic, I once I asked my good friend, and unwitting mentor, comedian David Gray, why it was so hard to see things the way I do. He said, “Having a good sense of humor, and being one who is an artist of sorts, is both a blessing and a curse. You have the ability to see the world in a way that only people with the same type of talent or artistic leanings do, which allows you to express that through humor. It allows you to maybe show people a different way of looking at something. However, you also see the world for all the things it is as far as the negative aspects of it are concerned. You can see the great good and horrible evil that the world is, all at the same time. The real challenge is to hone that skill so that you can focus and see the humor and not the horror in it all.”

Please believe me when I state now that I am not a pretentious person. I have little to no faith in anything in my life aside from my being blessed with a good sense of humor. If I can make just one person laugh then I have done my job on this Earth. I have made people laugh and not by rambling on and on in the hopes that I might accidentally write something funny. That’s a chaotic theory at best and an illogical way to execute any type of humorous writing.

I guess I’ll wrap this up before I accidentally write the funniest thing you’ve ever read. I appreciate the people who read this and understand that my little band of fans exists not because I’m not funny, but because they have as much free time as I do, only they spend that time reading where as I spend it writing and crying at movies I probably shouldn’t be crying at. See. I eventually wrote something kind of funny. Kind of.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Up So Close by Cake off of Motorcade of Generosity. My friend Adam said that one’s coolness can be determined by which band they like. He said if you like Cake then you’re probably pretty cool. I however really like Cake but am not cool so there goes that theory. I’m like some sort of anti-Fonzie.

MOVIE - Pi directed by Darren Aronofsky. I am the only one in my circle of friends who actually liked this movie. I’m even an outcast amongst my peers. DAMMIT!

Happy Birthday Jacob.

- Joel