Good evening people.
I haven’t posted in the past few days because I found out I suffer from an affliction that millions of people have. I guess the news kind of hit me hard but it turns out that things like this can happen to anyone, even me. It turns out I’m lazy. I know it’s hard to believe your sporadically posting blog amigo suffers from this affliction but it’s true. I still haven’t broken the news to my friends and family but I’m pretty sure they could already tell. There were signs, like me ordering a sandwich from Pizza Shuttle because I didn’t want to drive a quarter mile to the store to buy bread and meat. Or that I joined Netflix to keep from having to drive a block to Blockbuster. Yep. I’m lazy. However because I don’t like the stigma attached to the word ‘lazy’ I prefer to refer to myself as being ‘motivationally challenged’. So that’s why I haven’t posted. What’s that? That wasn’t funny? I would like to argue with you but I’m too worn out from not doing anything to do that right now. Maybe later but probably not.
So now that I’ve started to bore you, and you’re only one paragraph in, hopefully it can only get better from here. Don’t count on it though.
I have decided that I want to be successful enough to have a meal named after me. I would love for a deli or restaurant to have ‘The Joel’ on their menu. That’s how you know you’ve made it. Preferably I would like the chicken burrito with no guacamole and no onions from Pepe Delgadoe’s renamed ‘The Joel’. I should probably do something worthy of notoriety first though. So far all I’ve done is written the funniest blog on the internet and been voted the funniest person in OKC. Baby steps I guess. Just wait until my rap album drops though. People will be clamoring to name things after me. I already have a kid named after me. My drama teacher in CA said that she knew I would become a success one day so she named her son after me. I dunno what happened to that woman or that kid but I can tell you all that as far as the ‘being successful’ thing, she was kind of way off on that. At least so far anyway.
Here’s just an obvious tip for all of you. Make sure that when you buy something from the store that you read that label. I bought what I thought was potato salad but just now noticed, after taking a bite, that it is mustard potato salad. I hate mustard potato salad. At least I am improving on the reading label thing though by actually getting something similar to what I wanted even if it is wrong. Once I went to the store to buy milk and got home and hastily ate a bowl full of cereal with Drano in it. Trust me when I say that kind of burns.
I just got my Pat Robertson newsletter and it turns out that Shelly Winters died because she hired a gay guy to do her hair back in 1973. Poor Shelly Winters. Didn’t she know that Pat Robertson’s god is a vengeful and hateful god? Didn’t she know that Pat Robertson’s god is concerned with nothing but trivial matters? Pat Robertson’s god is so full of hate he doesn’t actually use Pat as a vessel for love and tolerance but instead uses him as a voice for close mindedness and hate. Not unlike the same exact people who had Jesus crucified.
How do you like how I changed it up from stupid rants about food and laziness to a harsh criticism of a cowardly hypocrite who uses his religion to be manipulative and hateful? I was kind of surprised by that too.
So the new season of 24 started last night and, I won’t ruin it for you if you haven’t seen it, but two characters who had been on the show since it started were offed. That was just within the first ten minutes too! Can you imagine how bad that must suck to be that actor. “Uh, we’re gonna need you show up for the first day of shooting 24.” “So I’m back on for the season?” “Yeah, uh, no. We are actually going to kill your character off right when the new season starts.” That would suck. I would seriously phone that performance in. “Can we get a little more emotion from you for this scene?” “Can you go eff yourself? You have a job!”
I will close this by saying I am quite tired because of the surgery, that and 24 is about to be on. I’m sorry there’s not more funny for you. I feel I have let you down. I do apologize.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice. Probably because I am so not feeling funny that this is the only song I can think of. I sure am sorry.
MOVIE - Guns starring Erik Estrada. A fantastically bad movie. That goes without saying though so I won’t say it.
Holla.
- Joel