Good morning faithful blog readers.
So aside from my recent diagnosis of high blood pressure, I found out yesterday that I have to have to have surgery today. There is some growth on my leg that they want to remove and test. That’s always good. So it’s like the bad kind of surgery because I’m getting knocked the f–k out but not the bad kind of surgery where I wake up a woman or something. Well no more than I already am.
Since it is surgery, and there is always a risk, I am going to put some stuff out there for the four people that read this in case they happen to be there if something happens to me. First off, if for some reason I end up all Schiavoed out, as in my brain is fried, please just unplug me. You’re playing God if you don’t. See I believe God has put a natural kill switch of sorts in every human when one can’t think anymore. It’s called death. The body is just an elaborate brain container anyway. A ‘brain-tainer’ if you will but since most of you won’t I digress. Keeping brain dead people alive, if it is one thing, is playing God. Unplug ‘em! Let them go. They’re gone anyway but you’re making them stay. So basically if I end up brain dead just unplug me. Besides, it’s not like anything in my brain is worth saving anyway. The cure for AIDS and Cancer isn’t in there. If it is it’s bogged down underneath a whole bunch of useless movie trivia or TV trivia or jokes. I got loads of jokes. None that I can think of right now but they’re some in there I’m sure. Probably stifling the cure for cancer and AIDS. Sorry world.
If something does happen to me, let’s go ahead and not have a viewing. No need to see me when I’m gone. I’d rather people remember me as the sexiest dude they’ve ever seen anyway. That’s how most people be thinking of me after they meet me as it is. They like “He’s the smoovest and sexiest dude I ever saw! Fuh real!” That’s not true. People don’t say that but it would be nice if they did.
If it comes down to it go ahead and donate my organs. I know it says it on my license but I still have to tell everyone. Allow me to take this time and encourage everyone to become an organ donor. It’s kind of selfish if you’re not. I mean it’s not like you need the parts anymore. To quote David Cross “Never in the history of Heaven has some guy been like ‘Man I gotta piss like a race horse but I gave that guy my kidneys! Dammit!” Just help someone out and let your organs go. If it’s a religious thing for you, I’m pretty sure your God can rustle you up a new kidney or liver if he had to. I mean he is God after all. Oh, in case you didn’t know, I mean donate my organs AFTER I die. It would be very painful to have my organs donated before I die.
Let’s go ahead and not spend the six grand I don’t have on a coffin. Light me up! Well after you donate my organs that is. The rest can just be thrown on the fire. A Joel-B-Q if you will. Just to be funny ship my ashes to the first name you come across in the phone book. They’ll be like “What the hell? Who is Joel? You say he wanted us to have his remains? Wow. Well, uh, ok. Fine.” That would be funny. Or you could try to track down Erik Estrada’s address. That would be cool to know Ponch got my ashes. It’s better than my ashes getting Ponched! Yiggity! I don’t know what that means.
Oh snap! I forgot about the most important thing! The Funeral! You can’t spell funeral without fun so I want to go all out! Ok. First off, everyone there has to wear black. I mean the guys all have to be in some pimp black suits and women in black dresses. Then the reverend, my friend JB, who isn’t a reverend at all, will be wearing an all white suit, like MJ Smooth Criminal style. The lights will dim and Beat It will be blasting. Jason will make his way to the front from the back. Once he gets to the front the original Comicfest crew will re-enact the Beat It choreography. It will totally be worth it. And that’s just the opening!
To get the ball rolling I will have Jason read aloud how I really felt about some of the women in my life. Perhaps it’s a joke. Perhaps it’s not. You’ll never know! HA! There might even be a few Brokeback moments in there. Who knows what wackiness will happen?
After JB embarrasses a whole lot of people with what I’ve written, and then says something nice about me, assuming there is anything nice, the original Comicfest Crew, sans me, will all be able to do five minutes of material. Those guys love their stage time. After that is when all the women who have ever loved me, whether openly or secretly can take the stage and share their true feelings for me. After that doesn’t happen, the final song of the day will play and it will be ‘Do You Realize’ by the Flaming Lips. Wayne Coyne from the Flaming Lips will bless my ashes and then my ashes will ascend to the ceiling as that song plays.
At this point Jason will dismiss the service but only as Digital Underground’s Humpty Dance plays. No one can be in a bad mood if they are listening to that song. Try it. Do it! Right now!
So that’s a pretty eclectic funeral I have planned and that’s only what I shared with you, my semi-adoring public. My real funeral is going to be the best thing ever though. I wish I could be there.
That’s about all I have to talk about today. I would like to write more but I have to get going. I have to go to the grocery store and other super fun things like that.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Kick ‘Em In The Grill by 3rd Bass feat. Chubb Rock. I love this song. It was one of the first rap songs I memorized from front to back. So there’s that wasted brain space.
MOVIE - Royal Tennenbaums. One of my favorite movies of all time and I will be watching it this afternoon after I get back from the hospital. You should all watch so we’ll have something to talk about the next time we meet. We don’t have movie watching club meetings? Well we should.
Holla.
- Joel