Good morning people.
So it looks like we are starting off the new year with some fires and miners. That’s really not much different than how I started my new year. My New Year’s Eve was rife with fires and minors. Don’t ask.
Actually I spent New Year’s at my friend Chad and Angela’s house. It was probably the best New Year’s I’ve had in a long time. There was just the right amount of people to make it a party but not too many people there to where it was obnoxious.
There was a girl there who I really liked and it turns out she liked me too. I had no idea. When the clock turned twelve she walked over to me and gave me a New Year’s kiss. That is what I would have written had women actually liked me. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to stop lying to you people. Oh well, broke that one. Since I’ve broken that one I guess it’s time to go light up a cigarette, stop jogging and start punching the elderly again.
So what are my actual New Year’s resolutions you didn’t ask. Well I’ll tell you. Here goes….
- To get out of debt. I am actually incredibly close. Whenever I talk to someone about getting out of debt they usually ask me how much debt I have. When I tell them they tell me I’m lucky because then they tell me how much debt they have and it’s almost always a kajillion times more than mine. Seriously. A kajillion. That is too a real number. To the people on planet Quandor Seven ‘kajillion’ is actually their lowest number. So there.
- To move out of Oklahoma. Nothing against you people but there really isn’t much here for me by way of talent outlet. This blog and the Loony Bin are about it. The thing I will miss most when I move is the women. Oklahoma does have the most beautiful women on the planet. I mean that. That’s not just something I’m saying to try to get women to like me either. However, if that worked, go ahead and let me know.
-To lose weight. Not much weight but just enough to where I can leave the house again. It’s kind of lonely just lying here in my enormous bed as my toothless wife brings me buckets of chicken throughout the day. Oh wait. That’s what I would have written if I was the 750 pound man I saw on TLC the other day. Actually I would like to lose some weight so I’ll get right on that.
- To date the girl from Myth Busters. I spent almost all day New Years watching about twelve hours of Myth Busters. Kari Byron is one of the women on the show and she is probably the coolest girl on TV. She’s smart and funny and damn cute. So we’ll see how this turns out. I’ve already sent a barrage of creepy pictures to her. No response yet. Besides, girls that cool are always either married or not into dudes.
I really can’t think of much else to say about resolutions. I swear to you though that if someone says their New Year’s resolution is to ‘not make resolutions’ I will strike you about the face and upper body. That is the dumbest joke and no one thinks it’s funny. Just thought you’d like to know. You best check yo self fool!
Here are some things that I would like to see happen this year.
- Impeachment of G-Dub. That won’t happen though because no one seems to care.
- Ashley Simpson rendered voiceless. That hasn’t stopped her before though.
- The legalization of gay marriage. I would like to see that happen because it’s such a dumb thing to oppose.
- For those miners in Virginia to get out of there…..oh. Sorry. Forgot.
- For that whole thing in Iraq to be done with. We’ve done all the damage we came to do and then some. Let’s get out so that way the next dictator can take over because we left their country in ruins. Hell, let’s just put Saddam back in there. At least that guy had his people in check. If we want to go ahead and liberate people who are persecuted, let’s take a look at Tibet for a second or almost any country in Africa for that matter. Oh wait. I forgot. No oil. My bad.
I guess that’s all I got for now. I have to go stalk Shaq now. Between him and that girl from Myth Busters my stalking calendar is full.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Lie Detector by The Reverend Horton Heat. It’s not their best song but it is what I’m listening to right now.
MOVIE - Hell House. It’s a documentary about these fundamentalist Christians who annually create a haunted house where they depict things that will make people want to choose Jesus. Things like portraying a gang shooting or a botched abortion or a gay man dying of AIDS because god condemned him to because of his ‘choice’ to be gay. Y’know, real close minded but fun stuff. It’s fun because it just reaffirmed why it is I don’t go to church. The funny thing is that, just like Christ would have done, I’m sure, they charge people seven bucks a head to walk through their second rate haunted house. What a bunch of misdirected individuals those people were.
*CELEBRITY SIGHTING* I was driving down the freeway yesterday and say the rapper Tech N9ne. Seriously. He was in a van that had his name all over it and he was inside. No lie. Yes he’s real. Go to iTunes and look it up. Or don’t. It doesn’t matter.
Holla.
- Joel