JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

Good afternoon.

I’ve read the past few entries I’ve put and whoo boy is that depressing. I don’t even have the courage to talk to a girl and I also ramble on at almost two am. I swear I wasn’t drunk.

Alright. We’ll go ahead and keep this one light hearted. No crap about my personal life that will bring someone down. Let’s just talk about good things.

Someone commented on one of my previous entries that ‘What doesn’t kill you make you stronger.’ That’s true unless of course what you’re using to make you stronger is a grizzly.

I just went to Starbucks and picked up some coffee. Well it was actually a Venti White Chocolate Mocha but I digress. Anyway I think they were having a GLAAD meeting in there today. It was super gay up in there. I can’t really talk though because I’m listening to George Michael right now. I also can’t talk because when one spends as much time at home as I do, one tends to do stupid things. For instance I hadn’t shaved in like a week so I had a full on beard. Last night, because, surprise surprise, I was home on a Saturday night, I decided to give the ol facial hair a trim. I was feeling stupid, as I oft do, which leads to many questionable decisions. I made the decision to go ahead and trim the ol beard up but shave my chin so I have this weird mutton chop moustache thing going. It’s the type of facial hair design that says to people ‘I am creepy.’ even though I’m not. Kind of like this guy.

Ok so it’s not that bad but it definitely looks pretty gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but I think it’s time to whip out the ol razor again. I’ve never been one to be able to pull off facial hair. I can pull off a beard I guess but not before it gets all Grizzly Adamsy. I can pull off sideburns but then I look all old Elvisy. A moustache is out of the question because I’m not Tom Selleck. He had a sweet stache. Now that I think about every lead male character on Magnum P.I. had a moustache. Huh. So yeah, I went to Starbucks. That was my story.

What do women think of facial hair? Let me know.

So Chris ‘Birdman’ Anderson is out of the NBA. That’s not good because he was all about hooking my friend up with tickets and stuff. Maybe he thought my friend was a drug dealer though. Who knows? Who cares?

Let’s see. I’m trying to think of something funny and non-political to talk about. Is this a sign that as a writer I have hit a brick wall? Have I ‘Earnhardted’ as a writer? Oh I hope not. So many of you depend on me to bring you the only joy you have in your life. At least that’s how I look at it. If I can make one person laugh then I have done my job. Also if I have pissed off right wing soccer moms that’s also part of my job. I know you didn’t know that but it is. Let me get that part of my job out of the way right now. Remember when you were pretty? There. That ought to do it. That was harsh. Soccer moms need loving too. That’s what illegal immigrant pool boys are for.

YOWZA!

I have been really non-productive lately. It’s not my fault MTV runs ‘Next’ for twelve hours on a Saturday. That show is so bad but it sucks you in. I have this weird psychic ability where I can predict who the person will end up with almost every time. It’s the most useless psychic ability ever. If you have an actual real life and aren’t familiar with the show ‘Next’ it’s a dating show on MTV where one person gets to pick from five different people to go on a date with. They time the date and at the end of the date the main person who does the picking asks the person if they would like to go on a second date with them or take a dollar amount equal to a dollar for each minute the date lasted. Here’s the twist though! The person picking can ‘next’ the person they are on a date with and meet the other people on the ‘Next’ bus. I didn’t mention that there is a ‘Next’ bus? Well there’s a bus. So there. Anyway, the premise is simple enough but it is so entertaining. If you get in a horrible car accident or are bed ridden or your remote breaks or you like crappy TV you should watch it. It’s more than just a subpar dating show, it’s also a brutal commentary on how low our society has fallen. When I see the women on that show I’m kind of glad I’m single. If that’s what I have to pick from then I’m out. I’ll just go ahead and ‘Next’ myself right back to being alone.

So rap superstar Mike Jones is gonna be performing at The Farmers Market. Yeah! That Farmer’s Market! So you can add that to the list of places I won’t be going. It’s not so much that I don’t like Mike Jones it’s just a not wanting to be in the wrong place at the wrong time type of deal.

So it looks like Brokeback Mountain is gonna be up for quite a few Oscars. I just talked to a friend of mine who said that it wasn’t very good. He said the gay thing didn’t bother him but that some people in the theater were surprised to the point where they gasped or said “Oh no!” . The thing is he saw this movie yesterday. How could you not know what the hell was gonna happen when you bought the ticket? People are talking about it so much you would think it is the only movie out right now. Ok. It’s a cowboy movie where a dude does another dude. There ya go. No surprises. Let it go.

Well that’s all from Joel Central. That’s what I call the room I keep my computer in. It’s not as fantastic as you would think.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Comanche by Cake off of Motorcade of Generosity. Love the song. Love the album. Love the group. I also love actual cake but not the kind with the crappy frosting on it. Just in case you’d planned on baking me a long overdue but well deserved cake.

MOVIE - About Schmidt. It makes you realize that life is good and everything will be fine. Seriously.

Holla.

- Joel

Good evening or morning. It all depends on which hemisphere you’re in. Actually it depends on when you read this, hemisphere having little to no bearing. Never mind.

Despite all the well wishing I have still not mustered up enough courage to go see Jenny. I did however muster up the courage to go to the doctor again. By ‘muster’ I mean I had an appointment. It was a follow up appointment to see if my blood pressure had dropped at all because it was high the last time I was there. It turns out that my three least favorite words to hear from a doctor are ‘of’, ‘control’ , and ‘out’. Not in that order either. My blood pressure was 159/116. Maybe I shouldn’t have done all that cocaine before going but I gots to get my party on! Y’all know what I’m talkin bout! I blame my drug problem on Christian music. Thanks a lot DC Talk for making me fall into the pit of despair that is my cocaine addiction. I blame DC Talk and Sandi Patti.

They say that one enjoys the type of music that they were raised with growing up. However I wasn’t raised with good music at all. I wasn’t exposed to great music until I worked at a radio station at seventeen. The closest my parents got to decent music was maybe listening to a couple of Beach Boy’s albums. If I continued to listen to the music I listened to when I was a kid I would be jamming to some Sweet Comfort, a seventies Christian band, or Michael Peace, a horrible Christian rapper. Thank God that didn’t happen. I don’t blame my parents though. My dad was a huge Genesis fan. He was a fan of both the book and the group. It’s just that I was only allowed to listen to Christian music which translated means sub-par, thinly veiled, indoctrination. At least Christian kids now have good music. I had crap. I dunno where all that came from sorry.

Back to talking about my ghastly blood pressure. The doctor said it is a result of stress so he put me on some more medication to see if this works. This got me to thinking about my life and how paltry an existence it’s been to this point. It also got me thinking about how lonely it can get being me. Sure all of you think that I lead this extraordinary social life what with all the dating and going out I don’t do. I have always been afraid of an early death which would make you think that I would want to live every moment like it’s my last. You would think a fear like that would make me want to grasp all life has to offer and enjoy every second of it because it might be my last. Instead it seems to have had the opposite effect on me. That’s my problem though, not yours. Sorry to unload again.

That is also another reason I don’t talk to women. Aside from them not talking to me and me looking like Hagrid’s bastard son I am afraid that I might fall in love with someone who might actually feel the same way. Stop laughing, there’s a point here just go with it. I know my mom loved my dad and when he died I know what she went through. I wouldn’t want to put someone I love through that. It’s not some martyr complex either. Some sort of ‘No one could possibly go on without me in their life.’ type of thing. Plenty of people are living just fine without me in their life as it is let alone some girl I haven’t even started going out with. The worst thing that could happen to a girl after she dated me is that she would become a lesbian because I am sure that the prospect of dating me in and of itself is enough to cause a sporadic sexual orientation change in many a woman.

I should go talk to Jenny. Here’s how it would turn out though. We would talk and then she would tell me about how she’s engaged to some dude who is probably a doctor or something. Maybe she has like ninety kids now. It looks like I’m not going to find out any time soon though because I have no courage. Speaking of courage, or the lack thereof, I read once that based on whichever character from the Wizard of Oz is your favorite that represents the one thing you wish you had more of. If you like the Scarecrow you lack a brain and so on. My favorite Wizard of Oz character is the apple throwing tree. What exactly does that mean I lack? The ability to throw parts of myself at people? Damn it’s confusing to be me sometimes.

So I’m not sure if it’s drag queen or porn star but I do know that combining the name of your first pet with your mother’s maiden name is the formula for figuring out what your given name would be. Mine would be George Jaynes. That’s a pretty crappy one. My friend Greg wins this fake contest though with Pixie Beavers. I just thought I’d inject a little random humor in this ever increasing depression fueled blog of mine.

My roommate works for a humor website that is based out of New York. He has been working from home and they told him today that they are flying him out to NYC in a couple of weeks to hang out. I have a feeling I’ll be losing another friend to the enticing world that is called ‘Not Oklahoma’. I mean c’mon it’s New f—ing York. I would love to live there. I just have a feeling a whole lot is about to change for me within the next few months and it’s a little scary. I don’t have the talent he does for writing comedy and I’m an ‘ok’ standup. I’m just getting to that point in my life where being ‘ok’ and not having anything to love is getting real old. I mean I love Speed Racer and Gigantor and Ben Folds and other stuff but I’m talking about loving what I do. It’s not desperation so much as it is like watching someone do something you know you would be good at if given the chance. The same applies to women. I know I would make a good husband. I know I would be a great comedian. I would like to leave behind a legacy. I would like my friends to say that they miss me when I’m gone. I would like my absence to be noticed. I guess I’m just like everyone else in that way. My legacy right now is what I write and who I make laugh. I would rather make one person laugh more than anything. To be a TV writer would be my ideal job. Just to get paid to make people laugh would be amazing. You can go to college and earn a degree and get a job but no one can teach funny. Being funny is God given. Few have it. I’m one of the few. Well one of the few who is really funny. That’s the one and only thing I have confidence in. The meanest thing Amber ever said to me was that I wasn’t funny. Well the second meanest thing. The most mean thing she’s ever said will have to wait until my life’s memoirs are written. It truly is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said. Good times.

“Look Joel. We endure your anti-Bush stance and tolerate your negativity but you really gotta stop. You’re bringing the rest of us down with your bull crap. So what you have high blood pressure? Get on a treadmill. Who cares that you can’t talk to some girl you haven’t talked to in years? Go talk to her. You’re not special. Everyone goes through these things. It’s called being human. Everyone goes through these things. You just have to grin and bear it. Life is short. Life is way too short to read you’re downer crap everyday. You’d better end on a funny note lest all of us stop reading your blog.” You’re right Hal! (Hal is the imaginary positive person that sometimes rears his handsome head when I’m feeling a bit down. I just made that up. His name is actually Fred.)

I have been watching the Baseball documentary Ken Burns did for PBS a few ago. It’s a ten disc series and I’m on disc six. Today I watched the one about Jackie Robinson. In case you’re from Dibble and you have no idea who that is, he was the first African-American player to play major league baseball. Take that Dibble! Anyway, they said that when he would take the field people would throw black cats onto the field. My sense of humor being what it is, the first thing I thought was that there must have been an abundance of black cats in the forties. “I have all these damn black cats and I’m a racist moron. What should I do? Wait a minute! That black baseball player is in town?! Problem solved!”

I do think it is good that the race barrier was broken in baseball but why did it take so long? 1947? That really wasn’t that long ago. I mean the unbridled and unfounded hate they had for this man was unbelievable. People so angry at someone’s skin color. That’s so ludicrous. “We don’t want no black fella playing a game dammit! Why? Well because he’s black! What? Well that’s the only reason I got that’s why. No he didn’t hurt anyone or do anything illegal or is evil in any way shape or form. He’s black! That’s about the only reason I got. What do you mean ‘good reason’. That’s a good reason right? I mean he wants to play a game and we shouldn’t let him cuz we’re stupid.” The whole last part I’m sure took place at some point sans the acknowledgment of one’s own stupidity.

I am pretty excited about the Hornets but I am a baseball fan first and foremost. Before I die I’d like to see a game at Fenway. Preferably the Red Sox and the Yankees and I would love to see the Yankees at Yankee Stadium before they tear it down. Just thought I’d share that with all of you in case anyone of you knows George Steinbrenner and you can hook a bruva up.

So I guess that’s all I got for now. Please have a good day all. It’s Friday. Have fun.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Freedom by George Michael. This is one of my all time favorite songs. I don’t know why. Oh yeah. I love Freedom.

MOVIE - The Matrix. The first one. The one that was really good before the crappy sequels came out. It’s my favorite Keanu movie. Wait. I forgot about Sweet November. Oh it’s a toss up now. Funny side note about Sweet November. I had to go with Amber once when that came out and we were sitting in the theater and it seemed everyone there but her knew that movie was a huge pile. About half way through I said aloud “I wish she’d hurry up and die already.” To which everyone but her laughed at. When we got in the car she punched me in the mouth but the joke was still worth it.

Holla.

- Joel

If anyone knows a Jenny D. Who works at an apparel store in Moore could you go ahead and have her shout me a holla? That would be a good way for me to avoid being a man about it.

Good evening OKC.

I just found out another good friend of mine has made the jump to another state. B-Mack is bailing. He is going to be a Texan in a few short weeks. This saddens me for two reasons. The first is that Brian is a really good friend and I will miss his company. The second is that I am still here. Nothing against Oklahoma but I would really like to live in another state for a while. A state where no one knows me and how pathetic I am. A state where I have a chance to make something of myself instead of a random blogger and subpar standup comedian. There are chances here for what I would like to do and I appreciate all of them and fully intend to take full advantage of them. I guess I’m just kind of in an Okie funk right now which is also the name of my band. I don’t know how to play any instruments or anything but that is what the name of my imaginary band is.

So I am calling for a boycott of all things Ford and GM. These two companies are making record profits and in turn are screwing over the working class of this country. Come on, most of us are members of the working class whether we like it or not. That’s someone just like us who is losing their job so that a large company can make their stock go up a quarter point. Besides, boycotting all things Ford includes Toby Keith and I already boycotted that guy a long time ago. It was shortly after my Toby Keith boot removal surgery that I decided he was hasty in his boot planting. I look nothing like Osama Bin Laden. Well not in the face so much as the robes and turbans I wear.

I talked to my friend Scott more when he was in Iraq than I do now. As far as I know he is state side. It’s odd how when someone is at war they have the time to e-mail regularly but then they get home and can’t pick up a damn phone. You hear me Scott?! I’m talking to you! Wait a minute. That’s not fair. He is near alcohol now so I fully understand.

So back to the friends who have moved out of state so far. David is in Denver. B-Mack is going to Dallas. Shannon is in Houston. Scott will be in Germany by July. My roommate will probably be in New Jersey by the end of the year. It’s time to make a plan I suppose. A plan that involves me going somewhere. Damn it feels good to not have any prospects.

Sorry people. I’m a little down and I dunno why. Oh yeah. I haven’t punched a hobo in a while. That cheers me up like nothing else. Well that and some make out time behind a Target with a stranger but I mistakenly combined the two once and had a ‘Brokeback’ moment I’d rather not talk about. I wish I could quit you Clyde the Wino.

AT&T is using an Oasis song in it’s commercials which pisses me off because I love Oasis but hate AT&T. It’s like finding a Nazi attractive. You like her and all but deep down she’s just pure evil. Actually it’s nothing like that but I like comparing AT&T to the Third Reich whenever I get the chance.

So while we’re stuck on depression fueled cruise control let’s talk about Jenny for a second. I may have done this before but let’s assume I haven’t. Jenny was a friend of mine from long ago. I first met her when she was thirteen and I was sixteen. I found out that she had a crush on me. I thought thirteen was too young so I just remained friends with her. For years and years we talked and we had a lot in common and I truly enjoyed her company but there was the age thing. I dated one of her friends who turned out to be a huge piece of crap. Jenny was there for me though. No matter what I was going through Jenny always seemed to be there. It was one of those things that in retrospect I should have noticed. Then I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

I was at work and noticed a girl I thought was attractive who shared the same last name as Jenny. I called Jenny and asked if she knew Amber and she said she wasn’t related to her. I was basically trying to get some inside information. Amber and I ended up dating and the night of the May 5 tornado Jenny paged me. Amber called her back and pretty much told her to go to hell. I haven’t talked to Jenny since and it is one of the biggest regrets of my life.

There was one time I was with Amber at the fair, which I hate. The fair not Amber. Actually I take that back. I hate Amber just a little more than the fair. Jenny walked by and said hi and I said hi and Amber got all pissed wanting to know who that was and gave me the third degree and that was that.

A few years ago I was at my brother’s graduation and Jenny’s sister was graduating with JP, my brother. I saw her there but she was with some bald headed weird dude who was obviously her boyfriend. I, being the confident person I am, didn’t say a word to her. She was as beautiful as I remembered. She smiled at me but that was it.

My brother told me where she works and I have thought about going in there many a time to see how she is or whatever. The problem is that it’s a girl’s apparel store. No need for me to be in there. Besides I look a lot different and love to talk myself out of possible happiness.

I would hate to make an ass of myself. Besides she’s probably engaged or married or has kids or something. I’ll leave it at that smile I got. That’s the best way I think.

I think that in my life I either meet people I could see myself with when it is too late or I ended up blowing it somehow. I can name a few people who I know I had a chance with, and I would have been happy with, but I blew it. The other people are married to some undeserving guys but that’s just my opinion.

Understand I’m not pining for someone I can’t have, I’m just letting the four people who read this know that I am a guy who has had many a missed chance and tends to dwell. That’s not too mature of me is it? That was rhetorical.

If you really want to get down and depressed read the last few paragraphs while listening to The Counting Crows song ‘Colorblind’. I just did and I think I’m going to shoot myself. I don’t own a gun though so I guess I’ll just have to sit in my car with the engine running. I tried that once but it turns out you have to be in a garage. I’m so stupid sometimes.

So let’s move on. I don’t want to use this blog as a virtual bar with everyone who reads playing the role of uncaring but sympathetic bartender. Sorry about that people.

I noticed that someone had a picture of Michael Jordan on their last entry. Damn that’s cool. The biggest celebrity I’ve ever been that close to is Toby Keith and I just yelled at him. I met Screech once so I guess I’ll put a picture of him on here. Besides, Toby works for Ford and Dustin Diamond drives a Ford Escort so there is kind of a connection.

I really hope that the Hornets stay here. I love going to the games and I like that OKC has something like this. Finally. I saw Chris “Birdman” Anderson at the Loony Bin the other night and he was super cool. It’s nice to have some real sports here finally. And no, I’m not forgetting about the Sooners. It’s nice to have a team to rally around that doesn’t involve the word ‘boomer’.

So I guess that’s all for now. I’ve kind of trashed the Sooners, Toby Keith and my personal life. This week can only get better from here. I hope. I just get the feeling there is a crimson and cream boot headed for my ass even as we speak.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Murder of One by the Counting Crows. Maybe listening to the Counting Crows and trying to be light hearted and witty aren’t the best mix of things.

MOVIE - Smack it up, Flip it and Rub it Down : The Bell Biv Devoe story. This movie doesn’t exist but I wish it did.

NEW FAVORITE SHOW - Gigantor. I stumbled across Cartoon Network late last night at 3am and saw this show that is so incredibally entertaining and bad at the same time. It rivals only Speed Racer as my favorite Japanese cartoon. I found that you can get all the Gigantors on DVD for eighty bucks. Time to crack open that piggy bank I don’t have and do some online purchasing. Man is that show good.

Holla.

Rest in peace Nice Guy Eddie.

- Joel David

Good day all.

I know that Ms. Oklahoma won the Ms. America pageant last night. That’s good news. I know that one of my best friends is en route home after having been in Iraq. That also is good news. However the best news I got all weekend was by way of a little unplanned purchase I made. I was at my favorite store yesterday. I call it ‘Not Wal-Mart’. That’s my ‘clever’ name for Target. I was looking at their novelty t-shirts. I don’t know why. I suppose that’s what boredom and being single does to a man. Anyway I turned around and noticed that they had khakis on sale. I really didn’t need khakis because I’m not a Mexican gangster or a grocery store manager but I figured I’d look. Holy mother of pancakes they were only five dollars FIVE DOLLAR PANTS Whoo-boy was I happy about that. Almost ecstatic. I totally bought a pair, which was good because it just so happened I wasn’t wearing any pants at the time.

So now that we’ve established I’m a massive dork who gets happy about five dollar pants, let’s move on.

There is a Red Cross helicopter that has gone missing in Pakistan. I read that online and next to the article was a picture of said aircraft. As though I should keep an eye out.

Osama Bin Laden released another tape. Watch out America He hates us and is going to attack us I know that it would be bad but I kind of wish he’d either do something about it or shut up already. We get it Osama. You hate us. Osama Bin Laden is like the Vanilla Ice of terrorists. One big hit and then he talks about it for years.

Speaking of one hit wonders I have been tapped to write the page three column on LOOK. Let me know what you guys think. By ‘think’ I mean if you are turned on by unattractive guys who are quick witted and super funny then let me know. That would be dope.

So because of my leg surgery I have not been able to get on the old elliptical trainer yet. I have been on that thing twice then I was side lined by the old surgery. Oh well, I guess sculpting the flab that is my physique into one worthy of not being laughed at will just have to wait.

I received a call from my friend Scott a few days ago and have not heard anything since. He was in Spain when he called. Seeing as how he hasn’t had a drink in over six months, because he was in Iraq, it wouldn’t shock me to find out he’s still in Spain embarking on an impromptu ‘Drunk Across Europe’ tour.

I really miss Dooley’s. That was the coolest bar in the city. Just thought I’d mention it since I’m stuck on ‘random’ right now.

I think I have a crush on the Starbucks girl. She is always really nice to me when I go in there but am always too nervous say anything beyond ‘thanks’ to her. Besides, she’s probably not impressed by someone who pays for their coffee with rolls of pennies.

I have a new favorite hot country singer I’d like to make sweet sweet love to. Miranda Lambert. Good lord is she cute. Now if you could take her looks and match it with a great sense of humor it would be on. Also if you could really lower her standards when it comes to picking boyfriends I’d be a shoe in. If you want to take that as a prayer lord, feel free.

So I have a CD player in my car, finally, but as my luck would have it, the antennae on the car is broken. The motor for it works fine but the antennae does not work. I went to O’Reillys yesterday and asked the guy behind the counter if they had a ‘93 Honda Accord antenna mast. He typed on the computer and after a minute and a half of looking like he was trying to master quantum physics he tells me there is no such thing. I was holding the broken antenna in my hand and said “There is no such replacement part for this?” He then said “What? I though you said mass air flow sensor cuz we ain’t got one of those for a Honda.” How this genius got ‘mass air flow sensor’ out of ‘Accord mast’ is beyond me. I guess that’s why I don’t get all greased up and go work at O’reillys. That’s not mean because every employee at almost every auto parts store looks like they bathe in oil. Anyway they guy also informed me they didn’t have one of what I was looking for either.

I decided to just go to a Honda dealer after that debacle. I walked into the parts department and the guy said they had the exact part and that it was $87.50. Looks like I’m gonna go ahead and wait on replacing the antenna for a good while.

That’s all I’ve got for now. A broken antenna and general distrust of all employees of car part places. Mass air flow sensor indeed!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Hangin’ Around by The Counting Crows. Because that’s how I feel.

MOVIE - Lord of War. I highly recommend this movie. Why no one is talking about this, it being awards time and all, is beyond me.

Holla.

- Joel

Good early morning people.

Why am I posting so late/early you didn’t ask? Well I just got home from a nice evening with a girl I’m kind of seeing. We went out to dinner and then one thing led to another and…….who am I fooling? I actually have been really sick and my roommate has been super busy working from home so this is about the only time I can get on the computer. There was no dinner and there is no girl. Well not for me anyway. I feel bad for lying to you people again. I kind of like to get your hopes up by making it seem that I’m actually a lot more interesting than I really am and not squandering my life away watching reruns of the A-Team and eating cereal for dinner. For shame me. For shame.

I really don’t want to start off by being political but I have to because I am just that kind of guy. Besides, it’s been awhile since I’ve pissed anyone off. In September of 2005 an eleven year old Massachusetts girl was kicked and beaten with a baseball bat into a coma by her stepfather. The girl, Halle Poutre, has been on life support ever since. The Massachusetts supreme court recently ruled that the child could be removed from life support as she is in a permanent vegetative state. The stepfather has been charged with the beating and her adoptive mother, who was also the child’s aunt, was also charged with the beating but was later found dead, alongside her grandmother, of an apparent murder suicide less then two weeks after charges were brought forth.

The child is currently in the custody of the state’s social services, who asked the state supreme court that the child now be removed from life support due to her vegetative state. The stepfather, in an apparent attempt to be kept from facing murder charges, is now claiming, as the child’s only living guardian, that the child be kept on life support.

Here is what I would like to know. Why is there no national uproar over this as there was with Terry Schiavo? Could it be because this is happening in a state where no one related to the president is in power? Could it be that perhaps because there is nothing political to gain from keeping this girl on life support, her situation is expendable to the religious right? The religious right obviously doesn’t care about killing soldiers or people in other countries so what’s one more kid? Perhaps, which I doubt, the quality of life for someone who is in a permanent vegetative state is non existent and people are finally realizing that. I implore the supreme court of Massachusetts to remove this child from life support. Life support is exactly that, a means of supporting life, but when one can no longer function in any way, shape or form, life support becomes little more than a death delayer. It is important for us as a species to stop the so called fight for life. Ironically, the people who are most religious and God fearing are the ones who want to keep what God has planned from happening. That girl died in September but we are keeping her alive for no reason whatsoever.

I don’t want to come across as cold or insensitive but we put animals down when they are hurt beyond help so why not extend that same compassion to humans? Please understand I don’t want the comments section inundated with some sort of pro-life rant claiming that I’m suggesting we just go on some medically sanctioned killing spree. I’m not suggesting that at all and if you believe I am condoning that then anything I’ve said is probably too much for you to wrap your mind around.

Let’s move on.

Gay cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain recently won best picture at the Golden Globes. This has prompted, again, the discussion of homosexuality in our nation. I’ll just say this and leave it alone for now. I saw a woman holding the classic ‘God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve’ sign on TV today. If God created everything then technically God created Steve too. It just so happens maybe Steve finds Adam attractive. Get over it.

I feel bad because earlier tonight, while I was asleep, my friend Scott, who has been in Iraq called, and I didn’t hear the phone. He is on his way home and was in Spain. I guess he’ll be home pretty soon. That is the best news I’ve gotten all day.

Speaking of news, is there anything worth talking about other than a miner waking up or an air strike MAYBE killing someone? Give me something tangible news people. Something worth watching the news for. Perhaps illegal wiretaps or corruption within the government would be a good way to go. No? We care about miners and terrorists we might have killed but really aren’t sure of? Oh. Ok. Thanks.

I wish there was more and it seems like there is but it’s late and I’m tired. Hopefully this post will spark some sort of debate among the readers. That would be good.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Daddy Rich in the land of 1210 by 3rd Bass off of the album Derelicts of Dialect. This is one of my favorite hip-hop albums and it’s also underrated. Just thought you’d like to know.

MOVIE - Scarface. Just cuz.

Holla.

- Joel

Good evening people.

I haven’t posted in the past few days because I found out I suffer from an affliction that millions of people have. I guess the news kind of hit me hard but it turns out that things like this can happen to anyone, even me. It turns out I’m lazy. I know it’s hard to believe your sporadically posting blog amigo suffers from this affliction but it’s true. I still haven’t broken the news to my friends and family but I’m pretty sure they could already tell. There were signs, like me ordering a sandwich from Pizza Shuttle because I didn’t want to drive a quarter mile to the store to buy bread and meat. Or that I joined Netflix to keep from having to drive a block to Blockbuster. Yep. I’m lazy. However because I don’t like the stigma attached to the word ‘lazy’ I prefer to refer to myself as being ‘motivationally challenged’. So that’s why I haven’t posted. What’s that? That wasn’t funny? I would like to argue with you but I’m too worn out from not doing anything to do that right now. Maybe later but probably not.

So now that I’ve started to bore you, and you’re only one paragraph in, hopefully it can only get better from here. Don’t count on it though.

I have decided that I want to be successful enough to have a meal named after me. I would love for a deli or restaurant to have ‘The Joel’ on their menu. That’s how you know you’ve made it. Preferably I would like the chicken burrito with no guacamole and no onions from Pepe Delgadoe’s renamed ‘The Joel’. I should probably do something worthy of notoriety first though. So far all I’ve done is written the funniest blog on the internet and been voted the funniest person in OKC. Baby steps I guess. Just wait until my rap album drops though. People will be clamoring to name things after me. I already have a kid named after me. My drama teacher in CA said that she knew I would become a success one day so she named her son after me. I dunno what happened to that woman or that kid but I can tell you all that as far as the ‘being successful’ thing, she was kind of way off on that. At least so far anyway.

Here’s just an obvious tip for all of you. Make sure that when you buy something from the store that you read that label. I bought what I thought was potato salad but just now noticed, after taking a bite, that it is mustard potato salad. I hate mustard potato salad. At least I am improving on the reading label thing though by actually getting something similar to what I wanted even if it is wrong. Once I went to the store to buy milk and got home and hastily ate a bowl full of cereal with Drano in it. Trust me when I say that kind of burns.

I just got my Pat Robertson newsletter and it turns out that Shelly Winters died because she hired a gay guy to do her hair back in 1973. Poor Shelly Winters. Didn’t she know that Pat Robertson’s god is a vengeful and hateful god? Didn’t she know that Pat Robertson’s god is concerned with nothing but trivial matters? Pat Robertson’s god is so full of hate he doesn’t actually use Pat as a vessel for love and tolerance but instead uses him as a voice for close mindedness and hate. Not unlike the same exact people who had Jesus crucified.

How do you like how I changed it up from stupid rants about food and laziness to a harsh criticism of a cowardly hypocrite who uses his religion to be manipulative and hateful? I was kind of surprised by that too.

So the new season of 24 started last night and, I won’t ruin it for you if you haven’t seen it, but two characters who had been on the show since it started were offed. That was just within the first ten minutes too! Can you imagine how bad that must suck to be that actor. “Uh, we’re gonna need you show up for the first day of shooting 24.” “So I’m back on for the season?” “Yeah, uh, no. We are actually going to kill your character off right when the new season starts.” That would suck. I would seriously phone that performance in. “Can we get a little more emotion from you for this scene?” “Can you go eff yourself? You have a job!”

I will close this by saying I am quite tired because of the surgery, that and 24 is about to be on. I’m sorry there’s not more funny for you. I feel I have let you down. I do apologize.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice. Probably because I am so not feeling funny that this is the only song I can think of. I sure am sorry.

MOVIE - Guns starring Erik Estrada. A fantastically bad movie. That goes without saying though so I won’t say it.

Holla.

- Joel

Well it looks like you all lucked out and I made it through my surgery okay. What’s that? You don’t want my cynically based take on something millions of people go through everyday? I didn’t think you did but I’m going to tell you anyway.

I got there about noon and filled out all of the odd paperwork about my medical history. The weirdest question was “Are you allergic to latex, rubber, kiwi or strawberries?” Is that in the event they run out of gloves and there is a salad bar near by? “Well dammit nurse just find something! What’s that? Kiwi fruit? Fashion me a glove! Stat!”

Some of the questions on the form are odd but not as odd as the ones you have to answer when you’re donating blood. If you want to have fun with the people at the blood donation place tell them you just got back from a sex filled romp through Uganda while sharing heroin needles. You will see a look of panic wash over their face faster than something appropriately fast to fit this analogy.

So the time finally comes for me to relinquish all dignity and I am told to go ahead and put on the oh so flattering hospital gown. I’m standing in this room holding what looks to be a bandana with three button snaps on it. I have a hard enough time figuring out the self service pump at a gas station let alone assembling my own ‘clothing’. After about five minutes though I figured it out. Like it mattered. I could have just stripped down to nothing and felt just as covered.

So I am sitting in the bed half naked with a small blanket covering my nether regions while trying to make conversation with my mom. That was a little awkward. We sat there for about ten minutes before the phlebotomist came in to draw blood and hook my IV up. That’s eye-vee and not the Roman Numeral for ‘four’. I’ve never seen anyone hook up a four before so I didn’t want to confuse anyone.

The phlebotomist tells me that the surgeon is running ahead of schedule so that I might be able to get in earlier than scheduled. That seemed cool until I began to wonder exactly why he was ahead of schedule. “Well it looks like this one died. Oh well. One less and I’m ahead of schedule. Great!” Thanks doc.

After I’m hooked up to a sack of fun juice, which sounds so much dirtier than it should, the nurse comes in and asks me if I have a living will. I told her no and that I wasn’t exactly sure what that was. She said that if something were to go wrong that I would need to let them know whether or not I wanted to be on life support. I told them I would not want to be put on life support and asked if I had to sign anything. She asked if the woman in the room was my mom, and I said yes. The nurse said that was good enough. Nothing like a decision about my being put on life support being a verbally binding agreement. I get more paperwork when I order food from Taco Bell and that’s just a burrito.

A few minutes later the OR nurse comes in and asks when the last time I ate was. I told her I ate half of a peanut butter sandwich at six am because the operation was at two and I was told I could eat at that time. She said that because I had eaten there was a high risk chance that I would cough food into my lungs. While it sounds scary not any one of my friends would be surprised if I died by inhaling peanut butter. Not because I eat a lot but because that would be par for the proverbial course for me. “Joel died how? Huh. Gotta be honest, not surprised.”

Finally the time comes for me to be wheeled into the OR. I felt more stupid than I normally do. Here I was being wheeled past attractive and intelligent doctors and nurses and I’m dressed in little more than a rag. It was like that prom I overdosed on heroin all over again. I’m kidding. I didn’t have a prom.

When I get into the actual operating room I hear something worse than anything I could have imagined. I guess they pipe music in for the doctors to listen to and the song playing was ‘Every Rose Has It’s Thorn’ by Poison. Great. The last song I may ever hear is that song. That was horrible. This means the surgeon has crummy taste in music and also I was possibly going to be ushered into the afterlife as Poison played in the background. Again, not surprising if you know me.

Then I wake up. Turns out I wasn’t dead. I was just in recovery. Everything went fine. They sent off whatever they took out of my leg to be tested. I know that my growth was really wanting to get into Harvard so we’ll see what happens! I don’t understand why they have to send something like that off to be tested. If you can field test crack than you should be able to tell me if I’m dying or not. They can too field test for crack. I’ve seen it on COPS. Don’t argue with me.

So they wheel me from recovery back into the first room I was in so I can regain my dignity by getting dressed again. I’m sure the staff couldn’t wait for that to happen soon enough either. Before that happens though a nurse walks in and asks if I’m in pain. I tell him that my leg hurts and he says that he’ll take care of that. He says he’s going to inject me directly instead of running the medication through the IV because it would take too long. It was at this point he injected me with what can only be classified as a massive dose of Morphine. Sweet moons over my hammy is that some good stuff. If you can get a hold of some, go for it. It’s well worth it.

So they wheel me out in my Morphine induced haze to the front of the hospital where my mom had pulled the car up. I swear I was so messed up that I’m pretty sure the huge statue of Jesus in the lobby winked at me. Word.

I feel the Morphine wearing off as I was riding home. I had told my mom I wanted to go to Pepe Delgadoes to get something to eat but she said that she had to go pick up my sister to take her to swim class but was willing to come back and take me to get something to eat. I told her not to worry and that I felt I could drive. She insisted I wait but I told her I was fine to drive. She said alright and she left. I got in my car and got halfway to Pepe’s when I realized I wasn’t cool at all. I had dropped my glasses off at the optometrist yesterday to get my new prescription which won’t be ready for a week, so driving at night is a little iffy as it is but with the added narcotics in my system is was truly psychedelic. I somehow managed to get to the restaurant, get my food, and make it home safely. Besides, Jesus winked at me so I knew I would be alright.

So that’s my surgery story. Thanks for all the cards and letters I didn’t get. Also if you want to send me a video iPod as a get well gift I’ll go ahead and give you my address.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Jolene by Cake off of Motorcade Of Generosity. I love Cake and I love this song because it’s one of those songs where I have this elaborate vision of what the video would be like. Besides, you can’t say Jolene without saying Joel. That’s never bad.

MOVIE - Punch Drunk Love. Trust me, this is one of the sweetest movies ever made. It is in my top ten list of all time favorite movies. Not that you care but I’d thought I’d tell you.

Holla.

- Joel

Good morning faithful blog readers.

So aside from my recent diagnosis of high blood pressure, I found out yesterday that I have to have to have surgery today. There is some growth on my leg that they want to remove and test. That’s always good. So it’s like the bad kind of surgery because I’m getting knocked the f–k out but not the bad kind of surgery where I wake up a woman or something. Well no more than I already am.

Since it is surgery, and there is always a risk, I am going to put some stuff out there for the four people that read this in case they happen to be there if something happens to me. First off, if for some reason I end up all Schiavoed out, as in my brain is fried, please just unplug me. You’re playing God if you don’t. See I believe God has put a natural kill switch of sorts in every human when one can’t think anymore. It’s called death. The body is just an elaborate brain container anyway. A ‘brain-tainer’ if you will but since most of you won’t I digress. Keeping brain dead people alive, if it is one thing, is playing God. Unplug ‘em! Let them go. They’re gone anyway but you’re making them stay. So basically if I end up brain dead just unplug me. Besides, it’s not like anything in my brain is worth saving anyway. The cure for AIDS and Cancer isn’t in there. If it is it’s bogged down underneath a whole bunch of useless movie trivia or TV trivia or jokes. I got loads of jokes. None that I can think of right now but they’re some in there I’m sure. Probably stifling the cure for cancer and AIDS. Sorry world.

If something does happen to me, let’s go ahead and not have a viewing. No need to see me when I’m gone. I’d rather people remember me as the sexiest dude they’ve ever seen anyway. That’s how most people be thinking of me after they meet me as it is. They like “He’s the smoovest and sexiest dude I ever saw! Fuh real!” That’s not true. People don’t say that but it would be nice if they did.

If it comes down to it go ahead and donate my organs. I know it says it on my license but I still have to tell everyone. Allow me to take this time and encourage everyone to become an organ donor. It’s kind of selfish if you’re not. I mean it’s not like you need the parts anymore. To quote David Cross “Never in the history of Heaven has some guy been like ‘Man I gotta piss like a race horse but I gave that guy my kidneys! Dammit!” Just help someone out and let your organs go. If it’s a religious thing for you, I’m pretty sure your God can rustle you up a new kidney or liver if he had to. I mean he is God after all. Oh, in case you didn’t know, I mean donate my organs AFTER I die. It would be very painful to have my organs donated before I die.

Let’s go ahead and not spend the six grand I don’t have on a coffin. Light me up! Well after you donate my organs that is. The rest can just be thrown on the fire. A Joel-B-Q if you will. Just to be funny ship my ashes to the first name you come across in the phone book. They’ll be like “What the hell? Who is Joel? You say he wanted us to have his remains? Wow. Well, uh, ok. Fine.” That would be funny. Or you could try to track down Erik Estrada’s address. That would be cool to know Ponch got my ashes. It’s better than my ashes getting Ponched! Yiggity! I don’t know what that means.

Oh snap! I forgot about the most important thing! The Funeral! You can’t spell funeral without fun so I want to go all out! Ok. First off, everyone there has to wear black. I mean the guys all have to be in some pimp black suits and women in black dresses. Then the reverend, my friend JB, who isn’t a reverend at all, will be wearing an all white suit, like MJ Smooth Criminal style. The lights will dim and Beat It will be blasting. Jason will make his way to the front from the back. Once he gets to the front the original Comicfest crew will re-enact the Beat It choreography. It will totally be worth it. And that’s just the opening!

To get the ball rolling I will have Jason read aloud how I really felt about some of the women in my life. Perhaps it’s a joke. Perhaps it’s not. You’ll never know! HA! There might even be a few Brokeback moments in there. Who knows what wackiness will happen?

After JB embarrasses a whole lot of people with what I’ve written, and then says something nice about me, assuming there is anything nice, the original Comicfest Crew, sans me, will all be able to do five minutes of material. Those guys love their stage time. After that is when all the women who have ever loved me, whether openly or secretly can take the stage and share their true feelings for me. After that doesn’t happen, the final song of the day will play and it will be ‘Do You Realize’ by the Flaming Lips. Wayne Coyne from the Flaming Lips will bless my ashes and then my ashes will ascend to the ceiling as that song plays.

At this point Jason will dismiss the service but only as Digital Underground’s Humpty Dance plays. No one can be in a bad mood if they are listening to that song. Try it. Do it! Right now!

So that’s a pretty eclectic funeral I have planned and that’s only what I shared with you, my semi-adoring public. My real funeral is going to be the best thing ever though. I wish I could be there.

That’s about all I have to talk about today. I would like to write more but I have to get going. I have to go to the grocery store and other super fun things like that.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Kick ‘Em In The Grill by 3rd Bass feat. Chubb Rock. I love this song. It was one of the first rap songs I memorized from front to back. So there’s that wasted brain space.

MOVIE - Royal Tennenbaums. One of my favorite movies of all time and I will be watching it this afternoon after I get back from the hospital. You should all watch so we’ll have something to talk about the next time we meet. We don’t have movie watching club meetings? Well we should.

Holla.

- Joel

Good afternoon OKC.

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written. I have no excuse for that. I apologize. Please don’t hate me. Well not more than you already probably do.

I found out some not good news Friday. I was told that I have extraordinarily high blood pressure. I didn’t find this out by going to the doctor I just went to that machine at Walgreens that takes your blood pressure for free and it broke when I used it. The read out said “Are you out of your f–king mind?! You should be dead!” That’s not true. I did actually go to the doctor and found this not great piece of news out. It’s so bad that my doctor prescribed me something for it. So basically that means I have to stop doing all the things I shouldn’t have started to begin with. Drinking, smoking and crack are now a thing of the past for me. I have to also start doing things I should have been doing all along but haven’t like exercising regularly and not eating food that is guaranteed to make my heart explode. I have been eating healthier and I do feel a little better.

When I went to the store yesterday I actually bought all the girly cereals like Special K and low fat Estrogen Flakes ‘Now With Real Strawberries!’. They are supposed to be better for you and almost all of them have some sort of lose six pounds in two weeks challenge. Losing six pounds in two weeks can definitely be a good thing. I guess. We’ll see though. Nothing like starting the day with a bowl full of chick flakes.

Speaking of starting the day, I have a bit of a bone to pick with the fine folks at Channel 9. There are few things in life that make me happy. A pretty girl smiling at me, or a good song or finding out Jessica Simpson is single again, just to name a few. However above all of those things is a little show called The Price Is Right. For one hour I get to watch the perfect TV show. Every morning at ten I know that without fail I will be able to see TPIR in all of it’s glory untarnished by the hands of evil doers. Well that is until this last week. EVERY day the show was interrupted by state officials briefing the media about the fire situation. We get it. Things burn. A lot of places with dead grass caught on fire and spread. We get it. We’ve all seen this before. Is this information more important than Plinko? Is this information more important than the showcase showdown? Not in the least! I implore those who wish to start fires to please stop. Sure a lot of property and land are destroyed. That sucks and all but we’re talking about my watching the Price is Right being interrupted. That’s the real tragedy. Trust me on this one.

I was watching one of the many late evening news shows hosted by middle aged women like Rita Cosby, Nancy Grace and Paula Zahn when I realized that I wish I was black. They are always talking about Natalie Holloway or Laci Peterson or some other unimportant ‘white’ woman. If you ever watch the news you never hear about black people getting kidnapped or falling of a cruise ship or getting killed in Aruba. Come to think of it you rarely hear about anything bad happening to black people in the news. I mean sure there was Katrina but who is still talking about that? Not anyone on the news, that’s for sure. If I based all of my opinions on network news I would think that black people are invincible because I never hear about anything bad happening to them. Now I do hear about them doing things to other people. You always hear about a black male robbing someone or shooting someone on the news. Rarely do bad things happen to black people, according to the news. The news always points out that bad things happen because of black people though. Huh. I wonder why that is? Oh yeah, network news is racist.

Moving on.

I really wish I had more to go over with you people. So much didn’t happen this weekend. At all. I had the most boring weekend ever. My friend Adam was supposed to come over so I could play catch with him but I haven’t heard from him. He reminds me of my dad. Not in that he’s dead but that he never keeps his word. Take that Adam!

So I do have some new years resolutions that maybe some of you can help me with. By ‘you’ I mean the three people who read this. In the coming year one of my resolutions is to learn to DJ. Like Mix Master Mike style. Like Jam Master Jay. I want to be lethal on the wheels of steel. I know I would be good at it. It’s kind of like how when you see someone doing something you know you’d be good at but aren’t sure how to get started. That’s how I feel whenever I go to a club and see the DJ. Especially when the DJ is crappy. What makes a crappy DJ? Well one who makes every beat mix a train wreck. That’s a bad DJ. Also the kind of DJ who will play whatever lame ass song just because some hot lady wants to hear it. “Sure, I’ll go ahead and play Toxic by Britney just because you forked out $3500.00 on some boobs you like to show off because enhancing your personality never even crossed your mind.” I wonder why women don’t like me?

Here is a plea for women thinking about getting plastic surgery. Don’t. No amount of money spent of sucking something out of your body or adding sacks of goo to your chest is going to make someone like you any more than they already do. That goes for yourself too. So many women get these operations done under the guise of ‘self improvement’ but it’s a false sense of self esteem you’re buying. If you want to feel better about yourself, save the pain of an operation and a few thousand bucks and for five hundred bucks I’ll go ahead and tell you how good you are whenever you want. “Where is this fake boob hostility coming from Joel?” Well I’ll tell you imaginary reader.

Six years ago I was dating a girl who, to me, was perfect. I had no hang ups with any part of her body. Well I did have a problem with her mouth but only because of the vile that occasionally spewed forth from it. You can’t get a de-bitch operation otherwise I’d have been all for that. Anyway, she had started making regular trips to the doctor. This worried me because she had cancer before we started dating and I thought maybe that’s what it was. I started thinking about how I would take care of her and how I would do anything I needed to do to be there for her because I loved her so much. This went on for a month. Mystery trips to the doctor. I acted like it didn’t bother me but inside I was dying because I thought the only person I’d ever loved was going to die. Maybe it was a bit over dramatic on my part but you have to think about these things.

One night we went out to eat at the Pepperoni Grill and we finished the meal and were walking out and she said “Joel, there is something I have to tell you.” Here it comes. I had prepared myself for this moment for a while. I was going to react just the way I think someone who was dying would need someone who loved them to react. Here goes. “Well Joel, I’ve been going to the doctor for a month now.” Ok. Dammit. Here it comes. “And I’m going to get a boob job.” It felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I just looked at her and said “You really are that f—ing stupid aren’t you?” That wasn’t the reaction she wanted. I didn’t care. I told her it was her body and that I thought it was perfect. That didn’t matter to her though. It didn’t matter that someone who loved her so much thought she was perfect just the way she was. That really hurt.

The other thing about the situation was her hypocrisy. She had said that one of my best friends, who is super hot but had been thinking about a boob job, was a slut because Amber felt only sluts got boob jobs. When I brought up how hypocritical she was being that just made her mad. I honestly didn’t care about pissing her off at that point. She said she didn’t tell me about the operation because she knew how I felt. That didn’t matter though.

Once she had the operation she was in extraordinary pain for a couple of weeks. I helped her but only because she was in pain. The only good thing to come out of that debacle was my gaining a new analogy. I equate fake boobs to a Ferrari with no engine. Sure it looks good but once you start messing with it, it is just boring and way too lumpy for it’s own good. Her’s were bad. It was like a Ziploc full of frozen hair gel.

Basically I would say to any woman that you are beautiful just the way you are. Don’t buy into the crap that having an operation will make you attractive or feel better about yourself. We are all one fiery car crash away from being physically hideous and if you can’t feel good about yourself if that were to happen than you’re in some trouble. It’s worse to be ugly on the inside.

I’m not saying that all plastic surgery is wrong, just elective plastic surgery. I think plastic surgery is very helpful to those who have suffered a loss due to cancer or have been in a car accident or some other disfiguring predicament. I just have a problem with plastic surgery that attempts to mask low self-esteem.

So there’s that whole thing.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash. Not for any particular reason but it is what I’m listening to right now so there ya go.

MOVIE - Batman Begins. I forgot to mention that on my year end list of movies. That is a great movie that just happens to be about Batman. Love it. It’s also good to see Katie Holmes. It’s always good to see Katie Holmes.

Holla.

- Joel

Good morning people.

So it looks like we are starting off the new year with some fires and miners. That’s really not much different than how I started my new year. My New Year’s Eve was rife with fires and minors. Don’t ask.

Actually I spent New Year’s at my friend Chad and Angela’s house. It was probably the best New Year’s I’ve had in a long time. There was just the right amount of people to make it a party but not too many people there to where it was obnoxious.

There was a girl there who I really liked and it turns out she liked me too. I had no idea. When the clock turned twelve she walked over to me and gave me a New Year’s kiss. That is what I would have written had women actually liked me. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to stop lying to you people. Oh well, broke that one. Since I’ve broken that one I guess it’s time to go light up a cigarette, stop jogging and start punching the elderly again.

So what are my actual New Year’s resolutions you didn’t ask. Well I’ll tell you. Here goes….

- To get out of debt. I am actually incredibly close. Whenever I talk to someone about getting out of debt they usually ask me how much debt I have. When I tell them they tell me I’m lucky because then they tell me how much debt they have and it’s almost always a kajillion times more than mine. Seriously. A kajillion. That is too a real number. To the people on planet Quandor Seven ‘kajillion’ is actually their lowest number. So there.

- To move out of Oklahoma. Nothing against you people but there really isn’t much here for me by way of talent outlet. This blog and the Loony Bin are about it. The thing I will miss most when I move is the women. Oklahoma does have the most beautiful women on the planet. I mean that. That’s not just something I’m saying to try to get women to like me either. However, if that worked, go ahead and let me know.

-To lose weight. Not much weight but just enough to where I can leave the house again. It’s kind of lonely just lying here in my enormous bed as my toothless wife brings me buckets of chicken throughout the day. Oh wait. That’s what I would have written if I was the 750 pound man I saw on TLC the other day. Actually I would like to lose some weight so I’ll get right on that.

- To date the girl from Myth Busters. I spent almost all day New Years watching about twelve hours of Myth Busters. Kari Byron is one of the women on the show and she is probably the coolest girl on TV. She’s smart and funny and damn cute. So we’ll see how this turns out. I’ve already sent a barrage of creepy pictures to her. No response yet. Besides, girls that cool are always either married or not into dudes.

I really can’t think of much else to say about resolutions. I swear to you though that if someone says their New Year’s resolution is to ‘not make resolutions’ I will strike you about the face and upper body. That is the dumbest joke and no one thinks it’s funny. Just thought you’d like to know. You best check yo self fool!

Here are some things that I would like to see happen this year.

- Impeachment of G-Dub. That won’t happen though because no one seems to care.

- Ashley Simpson rendered voiceless. That hasn’t stopped her before though.

- The legalization of gay marriage. I would like to see that happen because it’s such a dumb thing to oppose.

- For those miners in Virginia to get out of there…..oh. Sorry. Forgot.

- For that whole thing in Iraq to be done with. We’ve done all the damage we came to do and then some. Let’s get out so that way the next dictator can take over because we left their country in ruins. Hell, let’s just put Saddam back in there. At least that guy had his people in check. If we want to go ahead and liberate people who are persecuted, let’s take a look at Tibet for a second or almost any country in Africa for that matter. Oh wait. I forgot. No oil. My bad.

I guess that’s all I got for now. I have to go stalk Shaq now. Between him and that girl from Myth Busters my stalking calendar is full.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Lie Detector by The Reverend Horton Heat. It’s not their best song but it is what I’m listening to right now.

MOVIE - Hell House. It’s a documentary about these fundamentalist Christians who annually create a haunted house where they depict things that will make people want to choose Jesus. Things like portraying a gang shooting or a botched abortion or a gay man dying of AIDS because god condemned him to because of his ‘choice’ to be gay. Y’know, real close minded but fun stuff. It’s fun because it just reaffirmed why it is I don’t go to church. The funny thing is that, just like Christ would have done, I’m sure, they charge people seven bucks a head to walk through their second rate haunted house. What a bunch of misdirected individuals those people were.

*CELEBRITY SIGHTING* I was driving down the freeway yesterday and say the rapper Tech N9ne. Seriously. He was in a van that had his name all over it and he was inside. No lie. Yes he’s real. Go to iTunes and look it up. Or don’t. It doesn’t matter.

Holla.

- Joel