So I’m sure all of you have been wondering where I’ve been. “No we haven’t.” Oh. Than I won’t tell you.
I was recently watching some lame ass talent show on PAX or ‘I’ or whatever the name of that network is that I don’t watch that much that was hosted by the comedic powerhouse that isn’t Dave Coulier. I mean it was Dave Coulier but that he’s not a comedic powerhouse. Whatever. Anyway, these kids were coming out and singing or playing the piano or doing whatever it is their parents force them to do because their own lives are meaningless. At the end of their performance they were judged by a panel of three judges. One of the judges was the kid from the Spy Kids movies. Now I don’t condone this sort of thing for children, but if you have a talent that is best showcased on a show where the kid from Spy Kids judges you and is hosted by Dave ‘Uncle Joey’ Coulier, just go ahead and end your life right now. It isn’t going to get better for you. I promise. Then again, maybe it can’t get worse. I guess that’s a way to looks at it. Ok. I take back my suggestion of juvenile suicide. Actually after a horrible experience like that your life will probably improve greatly. I apologize. I was wrong.
Pundit Arianna Huffington recently said in Esquire magazine that she likes her men to have the same qualities she looks for in a blogger. Passion, relentlessness, risk taking and a light touch. Well I’m out. I only mention Arianna because I think she’s kind of hot. She’s 55 but she’s smart and funny and has a hot accent. Women don’t realize that a hot accent can make up for a whole lot. Including age.
Female rapper Foxy Brown has recently stated she has been deaf for months. The irony is that I wish I was deaf whenever I hear a song by her. ZING!
A lot of people asked me what I want for Christmas. By ‘a lot’ I mean ‘no one’. Seriously. No one asked me. I haven’t been asked what I want for Christmas in years. So I’ll just assume people don’t know what to get me so I am going to now give you my Christmas wish list! I know! I can wait to read it too!
Let’s go ahead and start with things that I know I won’t get. Whether it is an issue of money or God not liking me, I’m pretty sure I can say I won’t get any of the following for Christmas.
The impeachment of George W. Bush. For anyone to still support him in any way shows just how foolish people can be. He outed a CIA agent. He lied to the country. He is responsible for dead soldiers. What’s that you say? The economy is bouncing back? Really? Tell the GM workers that. You take responsibility Geroge? Ok. It’s easy to take responsibility for something when you know you won’t get in trouble for it. OJ was found responsible for the death of his ex-wife and Ron Goldman but he doesn’t care. The same with Robert Blake. I just pray, that’s right, I said pray, that George W. Bush is exposed to all the blind supporters of him as the criminal he really is. “But we believed what he said when he said when he was running for president.” That’s your fault. Take responsibility for putting that moron in office and then go ahead and take responsibility for doing all we can to get him out of office.
Angelina Jolie. That speaks for itself. Actually any one of the women on the Spanish channels would do just as well I’m sure. Have you watched that channel? I mean have you really paid attention to the women on there? It’s like some sort of super race of hot ladies on there all the time. I promise.
A briefcase full of cash. Not actual cash but the complete works of Johnny Cash. Kidding. Although that would be pretty sweet too.
“CHiP’s” on DVD. This is one of those things that kind of makes me think God hates me. You can get ALF on DVD but not “ChiP’s” What the eff?
For Pepe Delgadoe’s in Norman to deliver. I love that place but am also quite lazy. This would remedy my having to actually leave my house to get great food. The downside is I wouldn’t be able to see any of the waitresses. Small price to pay to accommodate my laziness though. Since that’s not likely to happen if you want to swing by there and pick me up a chicken burrito with no onions or guacamole with an extra side of green sauce, feel free to do that and bring it by casa de Joel. I didn’t think you would but it’s the thought of thinking you would that counts right?
An HD flat screen Sony plasma TV. Because watching Saved by the Bell would be so much better on a flat screen. It might be so realistic that I might actually try to beat Screech. I hate that guy more than I hate the president. That’s not true. Screech never killed a soldier. As far as I know.
A Mercedes SLR McLaren. Sweet hey suess in the morning is this car incredible. This car would solidify me as a pimp. Even though I’m not. Feel free to buy me one if you want. They are only $452,750.00. Damn right I checked.
So now lets get to the gifts that are actually plausible.
A video iPod. I have 4175 songs on my computer. It would be good to free up my computer of that space. It would also be good to have a portable music device that doesn’t hold a cassette. All I have by way of cassettes is Totally Krossed out by Kriss Kross. I had Hammer’s 2L2Q but lost it. Oh. I forgot. Not everyone is as cool as me. 2L2Q means Too Legit Too Quit. You think it’s a pain to explain what that means in a blog, imagine what a hassle it is to explain what it means when people ask why I have 2L2Q tattooed on my forearm.
A CD player in my car. I don’t have a radio in my car right now and singing to one’s self get’s pretty old pretty fast. A Sony CD mp3 player would be just dandy by me. If you don’t buy me one I swear I’ll just steal the one in your car. You hear that Mark?! I’m talking about your car! I’m kidding. I don’t know anyone named Mark. However Chad best watch his car. I know where you live Chad and God knows I know what you drive! You know what, let’s just scratch the CD player thing. If someone could just teach me how to break into a late model Dodge that would be just as good.
It’s gonna be kind of awkward if someone steals Chad’s car stereo. It’s going to be even more awkward when he finds out I did it. I bet that’ll put a bit of a strain on the ol friendship I bet. I better not tell him what I did with his cat.
A new bed. I am a pretty tall dude and I have a full size bed. Besides, what with all the action I be getting I kind of wore that thing out. By action I mean ‘sleeping’. By myself. With the exception of the nights my roommate claims he’s scared of the lightening and wants to sleep in my room. I kind of got a little suspicious when he kept doing that when there wasn’t a storm but I don’t mind. Sometimes it’s good to spoon. Oh I’m not gay but I think he is. I draw the line at playing Brokeback Mountian with him. I’ll wear the chaps and the hat but that’s as far as it goes!
Did I already mention video iPod? Sorry. Had to get that one in there twice in case you forgot.
George and John from the McFarlane Beatles line of figures. It’s the ones from the TV cartoon they did where they are all wearing blue. Paul and Ringo look awfully lonely atop my bookcase. Wait a second. I just realized I have the only two living Beatles. That’s weird and I don’t know why. Oh yeah. Because I’m stupid.
The Onion Ad Nauseum calendar. I always wait until March when the calendar booth at the mall is selling them for a nickel. It would be nice to have one before March. The same can be said of a girlfriend.
A Starbucks gift certificate. Seriously. I would love that because I love Starbucks. I wouldn’t mind a gift certificate to Pepe Delgadoes either. I also would enjoy a gift certificate to Angelina Jolie. If that’s at all possible. I know it’s not but it can’t hurt to ask. What? It can? Wow. Sorry.
I think that about wraps this up for now. Oh wait.
Thing I am thankful today.
Tubing! If you don’t know what that is, that is what women do when they don’t want to have kids anymore.
RIGHT NOW
SONG : Maxwell’s Silver Hammer by The Beatles because my friend Legarda likes it. I don’t know what that says about her as a person since she likes a song about blunt force trauma to the head as much as she does.
MOVIE : A Christmas Story. This is a stand alone great comedy but since it’s Christmas time I’d figure I’d mention it. You’re welcome.
Holla. Seriously. Leave some comments otherwise I’ll continue to write the same drivel tomorrow.
- Joel