Good afternoon.
So it looks like I’m finally going to get that HD Plasma TV I’ve always wanted as well as a new couch. “Did you win the lottery or finally blackmail someone who could afford to be blackmailed?” Nope. Stanley ‘Tookie’ Williams, founder of the Crips street gang, is scheduled to be put to death in less than twelve hours. Thanks in part to California governor Arnold Schwarzzeneggar. The star of such socially conscious films as Twins and Jingle All the Way should probably not let this man die. Aside from avoiding some pretty severe race riots, it is a human being’s life he would have been saving. I’m not saying what Williams did is excusable but we are not to play God. I can’t believe someone’s life rests in the hands of the star of Kindergarten Cop. You all thought it would be funny didn’t you California? Suckers. So because it looks like Williams will die, a friend of mine and I are headed to Los Angeles so if there is rioting we’ll get a whole lot of stuff for free. Including a beat down because I’m white. I’ll trade a beat down for a new TV any day of the week.
President Bush said today that since we began ‘liberating’ Iraq 30,000 Iraqis have been killed. That puts George W. Bush way ahead of Osama Bin Laden in the ‘people killed’ contest. Take that Osama! Ha! You with your 9-11. Our leader laughs at your puny attempt. As a matter of fact George W. Bush is way ahead of you in the ‘one’s own people killed’ contest too. He’s already indirectly killed over two thousand of his own soldiers. You with your highjackers and suicide bombers. You truly are a loser Osama Bin Laden. George W. Bush should truly be honored for such a great accomplishment. Thank you George W. Bush for being a true leader and showing the rest of the world Americans do it bigger and better than the terrorists.
The 30,000 dead Iraqis figure I quoted is actually just a ball park figure. The president said “30,000 more or less”. It’s hard to keep track of so many dead people. The number constantly fluctuates when your ‘spreading freedom’. Remember when Osama told his followers to ‘spread Islam’? Huh. That truly is funny. By funny I mean tragic.
Let’s go ahead and talk about something cheerful. Like TLC’s Sunday night freak show. Last night they aired a special called ‘The 727 Pound Man’. When I watched it I thought he looked like he weighed 737 pounds but then I realized the camera adds ten pounds.
It was truly disgusting. It looked like this guys body was slowly swallowing his head. You could barely tell he was the size of a car though because had a sweet moustache. I like that someone who gets so large that they can’t move takes the time to grow a moustache. “This ought to drive the ladies crazy. You can barely even tell I’m as big as a room.”
“Don’t make fun of fat people Joel. That’s not nice. Besides that, you’re a fat piece of crap as it is.” Ok, I’m not making fun of fat people, I’m making fun of someone so fat he had to have FOUR people turn him over. When you have lost the ability to roll over on your own, you have moved into the ‘free to make fun of’ category. The same category my ex-girlfriend, the president, Republicans, Democrats, and pretty much anyone else that isn’t me, is in. That’s not true. I make fun of myself quite a bit. You would too if you saw me but as I weigh seven hundred pounds that’s not very likely to happen.
The guy ended up, not shockingly, dying. The thing that gets me is that he had a wife. What the hell? Albeit she had a tooth in the front missing and looked like that alien who was wanted for the death sentence on twelve systems and who tried to pick a fight with Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. Still though, that guy had a woman. I don’t. That depresses me like few things do. Well few things that weigh 727 pounds.
They put his ashes in a box that resembled a box of donuts. That’s comedy so good I wish I would have written it.
Now I’m gonna get hate mail from all the right wing fat people out there. Great. At least Rush Limbaugh will have something to do in between popping Oxycontin and being a hypocrite.
Thing I’m thankful for today.
I am thankful I don’t live anywhere near Compton. I’m happy about that because it cuts down on the odds of my Korean owned liquor store being torched by understandably pissed African-Americans.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Flying by The Beatles. It has the bass line that I feel should have sampled long ago by some rapper.
MOVIE - War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise. I love war and the world and Tom Cruise so I pretty much had to recommend this movie.
APOLOGY IN ADVANCE - I apologize for being so boring and meandering with this entry. It’ll get better tomorrow. I promise.
Rest in peace Richard Pryor.
- Joel