Good evening party people. Also good evening non-partying people.
I try to be open-minded, but the upcoming Brokeback Mountain, the gay cowboy movie, is gonna be a bit much to stomach. Pun intended. I don’t have a problem with gay movies. I don’t have a problem with westerns. I just have a problem with gay westerns. These are two paths that need not cross. Like Ashley Simpson and anything involving me hearing her.
Now that I think about it, maybe being a cowboy and being gay aren’t that different. They both involve a bunch of guys, tight pants and rope. If you take a gay guy and a cowboy and stand them next to each other, the only difference is the size of the belt buckle. That’s it. One wears brightly colored, heavily starched shirts, tight pants and fantastic boots. The other is a cowboy. I’m not saying cowboys are gay, but Rascal Flatts and Big & Rich really makes it hard to refute.
I don’t know who will be more offended. Cowboys for thinking I said they’re gay or gay guys for me saying they look like cowboys. Either way it’s a joke so move on.
None of this would have been written if instead of Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall it was Angelina Jolie and Penelope Cruz in the movie. I would have no problem with that at all. That’s a little something I like to call a ‘double standard’. It’s a skill I honed from watching Christian television.
Speaking of gay, I have been watching a whole lot of rodeo on ESPN. I love me some rodeo. One night at the club of the same name, I was ridiculously close to riding one of the beasts there. I’m not talking about one of the women you usually see there either. YIGGITY! I want to ride a bull before I die, and I had told a friend of mine that. Turns out he knew a guy at Rodeo and the guy said if we gave him $500.00 they would have let me ride. My friends Billy and Jason said they would split the price if I would do it. I was so frighteningly close to actually do it. The only thing holding me back was that I have never been on a bull and I didn’t want to be the poor man’s Stephen Hawking. Besides, Christopher Reeve was already the poor man’s Stephen Hawking. I would have just ended up being some guy who moved with a straw and got good parking.
Bull riders are tough guys. I am very respectful of them to an almost fearful level. I was friends with a really hot girl that I worked with and I saw her out at a club once. She ran over to me and gave me a hug. My arm was around her waist and vice versa as we talked. It was at this point, arms on waists, that she introduced me to her boyfriend. This guy shook my hand so hard I thought he had broken it. It turns out he was the youngest member of the International Pro Bullriding Association. He was none too happy his girlfriend had given me a hug. I apologized to him and he said everything was fine but I could tell it wasn’t. That dude was angry.
I don’t know what the point of that was other than to tell you all what a loser I am. Pretty much like everything I write. Doesn’t it make you feel better about yourself when you read what I write? It had better because when I read what I write I want to drive my car into a wall. Good times.
Thing I’m thankful for today.
The video iPod that I know I won’t get for Christmas. Thanks in advance for nothing Santa!
I wish I had more to tell you people but tales of me almost getting my ass kicked by a cowboy will have to suffice. I’m sure after cowboys read the first part of this post I’ll have a story about how I actually ended up getting my ass kicked by a cowboy for real.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Diesel Power by Prodigy off of Fat of the Land. I want to walk into a bar where there are bad guys and in slow motion just start whippin some ass while this song plays in the background. Matrix style yo. The only problem is that I’m not action star material and also I’m a wuss.
MOVIE - Ropin On The Range 43. It’s like Brokeback Mountain but with no mainstream stars, less talking, no live animals, and way more man on man action. Like lots more. More than Front-Tier Hunks 22 starring Brock Chesterton or Saddle Sore 18 starring Tyrone Labone.
Holla.
- Joel