JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

Good afternoon.

So this is the last entry of the year for your least favorite blog buddy. I have been doing a lot of retrospection in preparing for this entry. I could go ahead and steal everyone else’s idea of naming my favorite albums of the year and movies and the such. If I did that it would be a result of my total lack of creativity. So that’s what I’m going to do. That should tell you quite a bit about how creative I’m not. The following is in no particular order and is just my opinion so, as with most things I do, it’s probably wrong and illegal in some states.

Let’s start off with dead celebrities from 2005. A lot of great talents died this year such as Johnny Carson, Richard Pryor, Mitch Hedberg and Ossie Davis. But what about those talents that didn’t get the respect they deserve when they passed away? Like Gordy the seal who played the title character ‘Robbie’ in the German children’s show ‘Hallo Robbie’. I’m sure his death made a lot of captive sharks happy. I can’t believe we looked past the loss of professional whistler Baroness Lips von Lipstrell. When she died so did a part of my soul. Well the part of my soul that truly enjoys whistling died so it really wasn’t that much of a loss. We also lost Chinese actress Li-li li which made me very sad sad sad. That being the worst joke of the bit I’ll go ahead and move on for your sake.

As far as my favorite movies of the year, there are so many to not choose from. In a year that saw Samuel L. Jackson’s worst movie ‘The Man’ and crap like ‘Yours, Mine and Ours’ it’s good that a few movies still stood out. My pick for best movie of the year is ‘Crash’. This movie was phenomenal and if Matt Dillon does not get the best supporting actor Oscar it will be a crime. Well not as bad a crime as say murder or Ashley Simpson singing but you get my drift.

I also enjoyed 40 year Old Virgin quite a bit but everyone seems to be overlooking Wedding Crashers. That movie had the funniest line of the year. “I felt like Jodie Foster in the Accused in there last night.” I laughed harder at that one line than any episode of Friends. Yes. Any.

I would also have to throw ‘War of the Worlds’ in there. I liked that movie a lot. This movie made me want to have the power to make people disappear by vaporizing them like in the movie. “What’s that? You don’t want to give me your phone number because you think I’m creepy?” -POOF- “Uh, I gave you a ten and you only gave me change back for a five. No, seriously.” -POOF- That would be awesome.

So let’s get to music since I know none of you care anyway. In no particular order………

James Blunt’s ‘Back to Bedlam’ is an album wrought with emotion and true love lorn anguish. The most emotional song on the album is ‘Goodbye my Lover’. Good luck sitting through that and trying not to cry. I couldn’t do it. I’m a huge wuss though who has been known to tear up at movies and even some commercials. I swear I’m not a woman or gay but that makes it really hard to refute when I tell you people things like that. By people I mean the two people who read this.

Dangerdoom’s The Mouse and the Mask is a great hip-hop album that features characters from Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim. It is the best rap album of the year. I can’t really say anything more than that about it. The highlight tracks are ‘El Chupe Nibre’, ‘The Mask’,‘Old School Rules’ and ‘Vats of Urine’. That’s right. I said vats of urine. That’s also the only time today you’ll read those words. If not then you are either really unlucky or have a strange fetish I’d rather not know about.

Coldplay’s X&Y album was good. It’s not as good as ‘Rush of Blood’ but it does solidify Coldplay as one of the greatest bands of my generation. Also, if I keep saying nice things about Coldplay, maybe lead singer Chris Martin’s wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, will read this and think I’m a nice guy so that way if they ever get a divorce I’ll be on her list of rebound boyfriends. I’ll probably be on that list right after Carrot Top and right before Dustin ‘Screech’ Diamond. There’s a chance. Not a good one though but I’m trying to be positive about things.

The White Stripes ‘Get Behind Me Satan’ is a great album and has spawned some great music videos. Any band that appears on Conan as the musical guest for a week is doing something right.

Jack Johnson’s ‘In Between Dreams’ is the best album to come along in a while because it makes me want to relax. I’m not known for my ability to relax. I’m not high strung I’m just high stressed. This album is the perfect Sunday afternoon album. Also, the song ‘If I Could’ is one of the best songs about life and death I’ve heard in some time.

So now that you know I can’t write very well about music and movies, let’s see if I fare any better at writing about myself. I bet I can’t but I’m gonna try.

Let’s start with some personal highlights. Comicfest was good. I have never worked so hard for so little but enjoyed myself more. I love producing shows and performing. Perhaps I can produce a show where I just go ahead and tell jokes. What’s that? No one would show up? That’s what I thought.

I got a new car. That’s a great thing for me because what I was driving was not dependable and worth less than a bike. Kind of like my last girlfriend. The only difference between my last car and my last girlfriend is that my car didn’t cheat on me with a Mexican dude. At least I don’t think it did.

I made some new friends. Some are divas and others aren’t. It’s good though because I could use new friends. Nothing against the friends I have but most of them are imaginary and very critical of me. Yes you are. Don’t argue with me! See.

I had two friends get married this year which was cool. Both Jason and Billy are great friends of mine and I’m really happy for both of them. I will say that of the two weddings, I got way too drunk at Jason’s. His reception was at Makers and they have Chimay which means I had Chimay which means I got really drunk. I was driving home and got half way there before I realized I should have probably not been driving. I stopped at my other friend Jason’s house and sobered up. The bad thing was is that I don’t think I’ve been that drunk before five in the afternoon ever. I mean it. Wasn’t that a stupid story? I thought so too.

I started this blog thing which is probably the best thing to happen to me in a while. I have written more since I started doing this than ever before. I actually learned to read and write just to be able to write this blog. Before this thing came along I was an illiterate moron. Now I’m just a moron.

So that’s about all I got for this year. I am going to go ahead and give you guys something none of you have been asking for. I have been faceless this whole time until now. You will find now a picture of me. You’re welcome and have a happy New Year faithful reader.

- Joel

Good morning.

I know a lot of people have not been wondering where I have been. I’ll go ahead and tell you all. Nowhere. I haven’t done anything fantastic other than nurture my complacency. I don’t have a great tale about how I single handedly battled ninjas and saved the orphanage that was being persecuted by said ninjas. Nope. No orphan persecuting ninja battles at all. You people think you deserve more than what I give but imagine what it’s like to actually be me. It’s pretty uneventful and boring.

So it being the day after Christmas it looks like the war on Christmas failed. Thank Allah. Turns out Christmas went off without a hitch. Huh. That’s odd. I really thought it might have been in trouble what with all the press that FOX news was giving to the war. Never mind the real war, we have a war on a holiday to worry about! In your face Christmas battlers that I’ve never met or seen! We had Christmas despite your efforts to destroy it! I dunno who you are or where you’re from or where you’re based out of or what you believe because no one has ever seen you but thanks to folks like Pat Robertson and Bill O’Reilly we trust you exist! However we didn’t let you win your war! All of our futile efforts to defend Christmas against, I’m not sure, proved successful. Well about as successful as waging a defense against an imaginary force could possibly be.

Just to play Devil’s advocate, literally, just ask yourself this Christmas defenders. If you think the war on Christmas is some sort of act of Satan, wouldn’t you think Satan has better things to do than wage a war on Christmas? I mean he is a busy guy too. We all work with someone who doesn’t like us and that can be draining but Satan’s arch enemy is God, not Steve from accounting. Satan has a lot on his plate what with terrorism, death, hurricanes, crime and pretty much every evil thing ever. You don’t get to be God’s biggest enemy without earning that position. I mean the last thing Satan wants to do is make God look bad by wrecking his birthday party. He already made God look bad by getting Bush elected and giving Ashley Simpson a recording contract.

Little known fact, Satan’s birthday is August 12th so be thinking about what to get him! I heard he is a big fan of the Gilmore Girls so save up!

“Enough of this Joel! You’ve already talked about the president , the devil and Jesus. Have you no couth? It’s the day after Christmas for crying out loud!” You’re right. I apologize. I’ll go ahead and tell you about my Christmas since none of you care anyway.

Saturday night, in true single guy fashion, my friends Adam and Deacon came over and we hung out and talked about the ills of the world. By ‘talked about the ills of the world’ I mean drank way too much alcohol. About three in the morning Adam and I started wrestling, because we’re stupid, and I took his shoe off and threw it out on the front lawn. Ha ha. What a good idea that wasn’t. He ran back into the house and tackled me. I landed on my left arm and immediately knew something bad had happened. After an hour and some severe swelling, I made my way to the Norman ER. Merry Christmas here’s a swollen arm and some x-rays Joel! Turns out that I suffered a ‘deep bone contusion’. Oddly enough that’s the name of one of my favorite adult films. Yahtzee! Anyway I got fitted with a brace I have to wear for a week and take Ibuprofen. So I’m less money I didn’t have to begin with and on top of that I got no good drugs. Thanks for nothing Santa! I guess it’s back to breaking into the old folks home and stealing their pills again. Like anyone would believe them when they claim some guy stole their pills anyway. They’re old and make no sense as it is! Ha! Take that old people!

The arm brace is this weird looking color of brown. I think that I am going to go to a bowling alley and tell people I am a bowling pro and get a hot bowling lady girlfriend. The problem is that there are no hot bowling ladies and I’m right handed so a brace on the left kind of makes this a bad ploy altogether. There goes that idea down the drain. Besides, if it hasn’t worked the first three times I tried it what makes me think it will work now.

For Christmas my brother JP and I have this thing where we try to make it as difficult as possible to open each other’s gifts. Last year I built a 3′ x 3′ x 3′ box and than wrapped it in four rolls of duct tape. It looked like that weird, cube, Borg ship from Star Trek. Yeah, I’m a nerd for knowing that but you’re a bigger nerd for knowing what I’m talking about. It was so big it didn’t fit into my car, something I should have checked before executing the idea. He spent quite a bit of time prying that thing open but no where near as long as I’d hoped.

He had wrapped my gift in a small box made from random boards. He had screwed the thing shut and I could not use a screwdriver, per his rule. After I had spent about half an hour using a butter knife as a screwdriver, I had to pry it open because he used some sort of super strength wood putty in addition to the screws. He won last year.

This year I thought I would have him beat. I took a Converse shoe box and filled it with dead leaves then used aerosol epoxy to spray them all into place. Within the leaves was a Ziploc bag with a clue in it. I wrapped the box in a roll of duct tape then put four cans of tuna and a can of spinach on the outside followed by more and more tape. I then taped two decks worth of playing cards all over the thing. A lot of effort went into this. If I were pretentious I could have passed it off as some sort of modern art piece that was a statement of my thought on commercialism and the oppression of the world’s people. I’m not pretentious though. I’m just some dope with tape and too much time on my hands.

The clue was to go look in the trunk of my car, where he found the next clue set in strawberry Jell-O. That clue led him to the following website

www.geocities.com/jd658666/jpxmasclue.html

I had baked a double layer chocolate cake slathered in chocolate icing. He dug around, face first in that cake for about ten minutes before finding the clue. It looked like some sort of Christmas physical challenge from Double Dare only not on Nickelodeon and with way more chocolate icing. The funny thing is, unbeknownst to me, he hates chocolate. HA!

After digging he finally found the toy rhino head and the toy gorilla head. He seemed a bit confused as to what the clue was and I told him there wasn’t a clue that I just wanted to see if he’d really get face down in a chocolate cake. I told him his gift was actually in my car the whole time. He went out to the car to find the two quart pitcher of frozen strawberry Jell-O. I had wrapped his DVD and than put it in a Ziploc bag and then put it in Jell-O and froze it. I thought I had won this year. I thought perhaps I had gotten the best of him. Nay I tell you. I was mistaken.

He had constructed a huge box only within the box was a small package. This package was wrapped in a layer of wrapping paper, followed by duct tape, followed by more wrapping paper and then more duct tape. It turned out to be a CD case with a note in it. The note advised me to say a ridiculous phrase to one of my sisters and in turn they would give me the next package. I did this and each time it turned out that the package was another CD case wrapped in duct tape and wrapping paper with another phrase to recite. The final one was the worst because I ended up having to sing ‘I’m A Little Tea Pot’ with all the moves that accompany the song. In return for that display of my lack of singing and dancing skills, I got the real gift. This time it was wrapped as follows - wrapping paper, towel, wrapping paper, towel, wrapping paper, pillow case, wrapping paper and seven layers of duct tape. Due to the recent wrist injury not only was I in physical pain but the unwrapping of things wrapped in duct tape caused me incredible mental pain because tedium is not my friend. I hate things that are tedious. Weeding a garden or standing in line or being in a relationship are all tedious and have very little pay off. At least my experience dictates that.

So JP has won this round. I have 364 days to plan for next year. Let’s just say that I am going to do something so fantastically tedious and time consuming he’ll wish he hadn’t brought the duct tape hell that was unwrapping my gift. What was the gift you ask that I spent so much time on? A Jerry Lewis movie I didn’t own so it was worth it. I’m telling you right now though that next year is gonna be something. Ya hear me JP?! It’s on like Donkey Kong now sucka!

So aside from myself and my brother I’m sure none of you enjoyed reading that last part. I’ll go ahead and amuse you all with something else now. “Your own suicide?” No. You’re not that lucky!

I went to my friend Jason and Aeron’s last night as every year they have a Christmas party. It got to be after midnight and my friend Jason had run out of cigarettes. This may not seem like a big deal but there was a lot of drinking going on and cigarettes go together with drinking like peanut butter and jam or the LAPD and beatings or me and bad analogies. We left the house to try to find somewhere that was open and the only place open was Walgreens. The parking lot was packed. I know it was after midnight on Christmas night but please. There is nothing you need that bad I’m sure of it. Well aside from cigarettes.

Jason and I walk in and there was a line of thirty people already at the check out counter. We begrudgingly make our way to the end of the line. The person in line in front of us was a gorgeous girl. She was way too hot to be at a Walgreen’s at 12:30 on Christmas night. That was a nice Christmas treat.

We stood in line for a few minutes and this really unhappy guy walked up to the girl in front of us and said something to her. She motioned towards some aisle and he made his way to where she pointed. He was obviously unhappy with her. I couldn’t understand how someone who looked like him could be unhappy with someone that looked like her. I mean aside from being lucky to even have a girlfriend that looked like her, he was acting kind of rude.

After ten minutes of waiting in a non-moving line we decide to leave. As we’re in the parking lot I mention to Jason how hot I thought the girl was and how the guy who appeared to be her boyfriend was kind of rude. I told him I wondered why she was in a Walgreens after midnight on Christmas anyway. He asked if I had noticed what she was buying, and I said I saw she had some puppy snacks but that was it. I couldn’t see what else she had. He said she had a People magazine wrapped around a box of Kotex. That explained everything such as the guy’s poorly masked annoyance and the unhappy look on her face.

This hot girl was in a Walgreens with her boyfriend on Christmas night because of a couple of the unwritten relationship rules. As a guy, you are bound by relationship law to accompany your girlfriend anywhere she has to go after midnight. Just do it. There’s no getting out of it. She thinks she’ll get attacked, which isn’t likely, but she counts on you to be her protector. She’s probably the only one who thinks you’re a bad ass so just go. Besides that’s one of the things you have to do.

The other relationship thing you have to do, no matter what, is you have to be willing to either buy tampons or go with your girlfriend when she does. It’s part of the deal guys. My last girlfriend actually made me go to the store once and buy some as a test. I didn’t know it was a test at the time. I didn’t care though because when a guy buys tampons it is an indication that he has someone to buy tampons for. If you guys break up you’ll start crying when you walk past the pink aisle because you’re now alone. Trust me, it’s embarrassing to have to tell the guy who works at Target why you’re staring at Kotex crying like a little girl.

Congratulations to Oklahoma’s Carrie Underwood! She was voted Oklahoman of the Year by Oklahoma magazine. She was voted Oklahoman of the year because she ‘encompasses all that makes the state great’. So the best we have is a contest winner. That’s super. The best we have to offer as a state is a glorified Karaoke contest winner. I can think of quite a few soldiers who should have been Oklahomans of the year. Contest winning is not encompassing anything that makes a state great. Sacrifice beyond all compare beats contest winning hands down.

I don’t mean to downplay Ms. Underwood’s accomplishment. Perhaps I’m just bitter because I won the ‘Funniest Person in Oklahoma’ contest but I didn’t get a deal with a chocolate company or a magazine cover. I didn’t get a sweet record deal out of winning or an E! True Hollywood Story about me. Aside from my not being deserving of any of that, I’m actually kind of a boring dude as well so there’s that. Also, I’m not hot.

Now that I’m done wasting all of your time, I’ll go ahead and wrap this one up.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks off of his double live album. I can only imagine what it would be like to have something that you’ve written sung back to you by thousands and thousands of people. It would be nice to know that what you do is beloved by so many people.

MOVIE - Murderball - This is a documentary about quadriplegic rugby players. At the end of this movie I felt like such a useless piece of crap. These guys have great lives and they can’t even move most of their bodies. I am perfectly capable but really need to look at doing way more with my life than I already haven’t.

Happy Kwanzaa honkies.

- Joel

Good morning.

Let’s say when I was kid I lied to my parents about something. That’s not too much of a stretch. Let’s say it concerned where I was going or what I was doing. Maybe I told them I was going to church but in reality I was going somewhere I shouldn’t. As a result of my going somewhere I shouldn’t have I ended up saving someone’s life. Even though some good indirectly came out of my lying, I still lied. I got in trouble, not for saving someone’s life but rather for lying. That was a juvenile indiscretion though. You would expect that from a sixteen year old punk kid. You shouldn’t expect that of the fifty-nine year old leader of the free world. You shouldn’t have to.

You know that feeling you get when you know someone is lying to you? I got that feeling last night watching the president. The man is a liar. I mean he didn’t lie about cheating on his wife but he did lie about something that has resulted in a whole bunch of innocent people dying. “Oh really ya left-wing commie pig? How about Osama Bin Laden?” Actually Osama Bin Laden and President Bush have quite a lot in common. Let’s look at some similarities.

They both use their religious beliefs as justification for murder.

They both use terror as a way to get their point across to the entire world.

They both underestimate the intelligence of the people they try to manipulate.

They both use a ‘for us or against us’ doctrine of mentality. Either you agree with me and you’re my friend or you disagree with me and you’re my enemy. That’s pretty illogical. I disagree with a lot of my friends on some things but I don’t go killing people over it. Well not recently anyway.

They both adore long walks on the beach and Phil Collins’ No Jacket Required album. Not many people know that one.

They both want the world to side with their point of view because neither one of them is willing to even entertain the possibility that they might be wrong.

I really want people to understand that I am not some liberal Democrat who is just blasting the guy because he’s Republican. I just wish people would finally realize what a horrible person he is. It’s not a Republican or Democrat thing. This isn’t a conservative or liberal issue. This is an American issue. As Americans we should stop defending our personal beliefs at the cost of being willfully ignorant. Let’s put aside the fact he is a Republican. Let’s put aside the fact he is a Christian. If you look at him as a leader he has failed miserably.

Someone has to stand up and tell everyone that the emperor has no clothes on.

- Joel

Good morning OKC.

I did something I don’t normally do yesterday. “Talked to a girl?” Shut up you! No. I went to the movies. I don’t normally like going to the movies for a plethora of reasons. The main one, as is the case with why I don’t do many things, is people.

When Kill Bill came out my roommate and I went to go see it the night it opened. We were sitting in the very back row of a packed theater. We were more than half way through the film when some dude a few rows in front of us gets on his cel phone. It didn’t ring, he just thought he would start calling people. The theater was packed and people kept telling him to be quiet and he would just get louder. I finally went to go find the manager and a few minutes later the manager came and got him and escorted him out of the theater. As he was leaving he looked at me and my roommate and yelled “Gay ass motherf—ers!” At least that what I think he said. I t was hard to understand what he was saying because Jacob and I were making out.

That was a joke Aman. Calm down.

Against my usually pretty good judgement, I went with Adam to go see King Kong yesterday. So we get into the theater and the commercials start. Ten minutes worth. Not previews mind you, but commercials. Commercials for cel phones and drinks and kids with cancer and the worst thing of all, Scott Stapp’s new album. “You think Scott Stapp is worse than kids with cancer?” Yes. I had to hear about 59 and a half seconds more of Scott Stapp’s voice than I can handle. I actually think my ears started bleeding.

So finally the previews start and it is amazing that Hollywood keeps churning out the same unoriginal crap year after year. The last thing to come out that was truly original was Sin City. Lucky for people who like crap, there is no shortage of that as far as movies go! There was an ad for another computer animated romp from the makers of Shrek featuring, you guessed it, cute little animals voiced by celebrities. I can totally wait! The only two movies that looked good were Miami Vice, which is directed by Michael Mann, and a movie that Spike Lee did with Denzel Washington and Jodie Foster. That was it.

What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah. King Kong. I wasn’t? Well I am now so just go with it.

Everyone is going bananas over this movie. Pun intended. Guess what America. It’s not that good. Kong looked good. Naomi Watts looked even better but overall it was just ok. Nothing great about it. There were quite a few moments in the movie that I just couldn’t handle. Not that a movie about a twenty-five foot gorilla is shooting for accuracy, or that I’m some sort of authority, but I digress.

The most disconcerting thing about the movie wasn’t the size of the gorilla or a lost island full of some sort of zombie people and dinosaurs or the horrible deaths suffered by people by way of enormous bugs. All of that was ok and slightly believable. Slightly. The moment where I knew it was going too far was the scene where Kong and Naomi Watts play on the ice rink in Central Park. I’m not kidding. I haven’t seen a scene in a movie that bad involving an ice rink since the D.B. Sweeney powerhouse, “Cutting Edge”. How’s that for an obscure reference?

Instead of going to see King Kong, allow me to recommend taking a trip to Quail Springs AMC 24 and going to see ‘Jesus is Magic’. Take the kids. They’ll love it. No really.

Moving on.

The president of Iran recently stated that he felt the Holocaust was a myth. I’ve heard white supremacists say the same thing. Look, if you people would think, just for a second. Where did six million people go? Also, what could possibly be gained from claiming there was a Holocaust? Why lie about that? It’s not like Jews gained anything other than heartache and sadness from the Holocaust. People are so stupid. It looks like we aren’t the only ones with a fool for president though. However, unlike ours, Iran’s president doesn’t hide his anti-Semitism. Hey it’s honesty about something horrible but at least he’s honest. That must be refreshing.

With Christmas a week away, it’s important to hone the skill of weeding out the good gifts from the bad. By gifts I mean people. This is the time of year when you can tell how much thought one did or did not put into your gift. Lucky for you I have nothing but time and apathy on my hands so I’ve compiled a barely funny, but easy to use, guide on how to tell how much thought goes into the gift you’ll get and what that says about what the person thinks about you.

If you are a woman who has a co-worker you think might like you, and he buys you a Louis Vuitton purse, he put a lot of thought and money into a way to best let you know he likes you. However if that purse is full of Polaroids of himself with nothing on but a Santa hat, he probably thinks way too much about you.

If you are a man and your buddy gives you a gift and you unwrap it to find a video iPod box, they put a lot of thought behind that gift. By thought I mean money. However if when you open the box to find only Taco Bell Hot Sauce packets, your so-called friend is an ass and probably hates you. It wasn’t funny Steve and you know it.

If someone burns you a CD of your favorite songs, and perhaps songs that are an indication of some inside jokes, that’s and indication of some thought being behind the gift. If the person gives you a blank CD and says “Burn whatever you want.” do just that. Only make sure you burn their house down too.

If someone gives you a McDonalds Arch card they really hate you and want to see you die a fat loser with McNugget breathe.

If your boss gets you a subscription to your favorite magazine, they probably put some thought behind it. However, when the first issue arrives at your house addressed to ‘Useless Employee #433′ you’re probably about to get fired.

Thing I’m thankful for today……….

My inability to determine if what I write is crap. Wait. I just read again what I’ve already written and yep, I can’t tell.

That’s all I got for today. I know it’s as weak as anything I’ll get out today. Sorry.

RIGHT NOW -

SONG - B-Boy Stance by the Freestylers. This is the song that most makes me want to dance battle a sucka. I’ll serve him up with some break dancing genius. Fuh real.

MOVIE - The Frighteners. Still Peter Jacksons’s best movie. Calm down nerds and ape lovers.

Holla.

-Joel

So I’m sure all of you have been wondering where I’ve been. “No we haven’t.” Oh. Than I won’t tell you.

I was recently watching some lame ass talent show on PAX or ‘I’ or whatever the name of that network is that I don’t watch that much that was hosted by the comedic powerhouse that isn’t Dave Coulier. I mean it was Dave Coulier but that he’s not a comedic powerhouse. Whatever. Anyway, these kids were coming out and singing or playing the piano or doing whatever it is their parents force them to do because their own lives are meaningless. At the end of their performance they were judged by a panel of three judges. One of the judges was the kid from the Spy Kids movies. Now I don’t condone this sort of thing for children, but if you have a talent that is best showcased on a show where the kid from Spy Kids judges you and is hosted by Dave ‘Uncle Joey’ Coulier, just go ahead and end your life right now. It isn’t going to get better for you. I promise. Then again, maybe it can’t get worse. I guess that’s a way to looks at it. Ok. I take back my suggestion of juvenile suicide. Actually after a horrible experience like that your life will probably improve greatly. I apologize. I was wrong.

Pundit Arianna Huffington recently said in Esquire magazine that she likes her men to have the same qualities she looks for in a blogger. Passion, relentlessness, risk taking and a light touch. Well I’m out. I only mention Arianna because I think she’s kind of hot. She’s 55 but she’s smart and funny and has a hot accent. Women don’t realize that a hot accent can make up for a whole lot. Including age.

Female rapper Foxy Brown has recently stated she has been deaf for months. The irony is that I wish I was deaf whenever I hear a song by her. ZING!

A lot of people asked me what I want for Christmas. By ‘a lot’ I mean ‘no one’. Seriously. No one asked me. I haven’t been asked what I want for Christmas in years. So I’ll just assume people don’t know what to get me so I am going to now give you my Christmas wish list! I know! I can wait to read it too!

Let’s go ahead and start with things that I know I won’t get. Whether it is an issue of money or God not liking me, I’m pretty sure I can say I won’t get any of the following for Christmas.

The impeachment of George W. Bush. For anyone to still support him in any way shows just how foolish people can be. He outed a CIA agent. He lied to the country. He is responsible for dead soldiers. What’s that you say? The economy is bouncing back? Really? Tell the GM workers that. You take responsibility Geroge? Ok. It’s easy to take responsibility for something when you know you won’t get in trouble for it. OJ was found responsible for the death of his ex-wife and Ron Goldman but he doesn’t care. The same with Robert Blake. I just pray, that’s right, I said pray, that George W. Bush is exposed to all the blind supporters of him as the criminal he really is. “But we believed what he said when he said when he was running for president.” That’s your fault. Take responsibility for putting that moron in office and then go ahead and take responsibility for doing all we can to get him out of office.

Angelina Jolie. That speaks for itself. Actually any one of the women on the Spanish channels would do just as well I’m sure. Have you watched that channel? I mean have you really paid attention to the women on there? It’s like some sort of super race of hot ladies on there all the time. I promise.

A briefcase full of cash. Not actual cash but the complete works of Johnny Cash. Kidding. Although that would be pretty sweet too.

“CHiP’s” on DVD. This is one of those things that kind of makes me think God hates me. You can get ALF on DVD but not “ChiP’s” What the eff?

For Pepe Delgadoe’s in Norman to deliver. I love that place but am also quite lazy. This would remedy my having to actually leave my house to get great food. The downside is I wouldn’t be able to see any of the waitresses. Small price to pay to accommodate my laziness though. Since that’s not likely to happen if you want to swing by there and pick me up a chicken burrito with no onions or guacamole with an extra side of green sauce, feel free to do that and bring it by casa de Joel. I didn’t think you would but it’s the thought of thinking you would that counts right?

An HD flat screen Sony plasma TV. Because watching Saved by the Bell would be so much better on a flat screen. It might be so realistic that I might actually try to beat Screech. I hate that guy more than I hate the president. That’s not true. Screech never killed a soldier. As far as I know.

A Mercedes SLR McLaren. Sweet hey suess in the morning is this car incredible. This car would solidify me as a pimp. Even though I’m not. Feel free to buy me one if you want. They are only $452,750.00. Damn right I checked.

So now lets get to the gifts that are actually plausible.

A video iPod. I have 4175 songs on my computer. It would be good to free up my computer of that space. It would also be good to have a portable music device that doesn’t hold a cassette. All I have by way of cassettes is Totally Krossed out by Kriss Kross. I had Hammer’s 2L2Q but lost it. Oh. I forgot. Not everyone is as cool as me. 2L2Q means Too Legit Too Quit. You think it’s a pain to explain what that means in a blog, imagine what a hassle it is to explain what it means when people ask why I have 2L2Q tattooed on my forearm.

A CD player in my car. I don’t have a radio in my car right now and singing to one’s self get’s pretty old pretty fast. A Sony CD mp3 player would be just dandy by me. If you don’t buy me one I swear I’ll just steal the one in your car. You hear that Mark?! I’m talking about your car! I’m kidding. I don’t know anyone named Mark. However Chad best watch his car. I know where you live Chad and God knows I know what you drive! You know what, let’s just scratch the CD player thing. If someone could just teach me how to break into a late model Dodge that would be just as good.

It’s gonna be kind of awkward if someone steals Chad’s car stereo. It’s going to be even more awkward when he finds out I did it. I bet that’ll put a bit of a strain on the ol friendship I bet. I better not tell him what I did with his cat.

A new bed. I am a pretty tall dude and I have a full size bed. Besides, what with all the action I be getting I kind of wore that thing out. By action I mean ‘sleeping’. By myself. With the exception of the nights my roommate claims he’s scared of the lightening and wants to sleep in my room. I kind of got a little suspicious when he kept doing that when there wasn’t a storm but I don’t mind. Sometimes it’s good to spoon. Oh I’m not gay but I think he is. I draw the line at playing Brokeback Mountian with him. I’ll wear the chaps and the hat but that’s as far as it goes!

Did I already mention video iPod? Sorry. Had to get that one in there twice in case you forgot.

George and John from the McFarlane Beatles line of figures. It’s the ones from the TV cartoon they did where they are all wearing blue. Paul and Ringo look awfully lonely atop my bookcase. Wait a second. I just realized I have the only two living Beatles. That’s weird and I don’t know why. Oh yeah. Because I’m stupid.

The Onion Ad Nauseum calendar. I always wait until March when the calendar booth at the mall is selling them for a nickel. It would be nice to have one before March. The same can be said of a girlfriend.

A Starbucks gift certificate. Seriously. I would love that because I love Starbucks. I wouldn’t mind a gift certificate to Pepe Delgadoes either. I also would enjoy a gift certificate to Angelina Jolie. If that’s at all possible. I know it’s not but it can’t hurt to ask. What? It can? Wow. Sorry.

I think that about wraps this up for now. Oh wait.

Thing I am thankful today.

Tubing! If you don’t know what that is, that is what women do when they don’t want to have kids anymore.

RIGHT NOW

SONG : Maxwell’s Silver Hammer by The Beatles because my friend Legarda likes it. I don’t know what that says about her as a person since she likes a song about blunt force trauma to the head as much as she does.

MOVIE : A Christmas Story. This is a stand alone great comedy but since it’s Christmas time I’d figure I’d mention it. You’re welcome.

Holla. Seriously. Leave some comments otherwise I’ll continue to write the same drivel tomorrow.

- Joel

Good afternoon.

So it looks like I’m finally going to get that HD Plasma TV I’ve always wanted as well as a new couch. “Did you win the lottery or finally blackmail someone who could afford to be blackmailed?” Nope. Stanley ‘Tookie’ Williams, founder of the Crips street gang, is scheduled to be put to death in less than twelve hours. Thanks in part to California governor Arnold Schwarzzeneggar. The star of such socially conscious films as Twins and Jingle All the Way should probably not let this man die. Aside from avoiding some pretty severe race riots, it is a human being’s life he would have been saving. I’m not saying what Williams did is excusable but we are not to play God. I can’t believe someone’s life rests in the hands of the star of Kindergarten Cop. You all thought it would be funny didn’t you California? Suckers. So because it looks like Williams will die, a friend of mine and I are headed to Los Angeles so if there is rioting we’ll get a whole lot of stuff for free. Including a beat down because I’m white. I’ll trade a beat down for a new TV any day of the week.

President Bush said today that since we began ‘liberating’ Iraq 30,000 Iraqis have been killed. That puts George W. Bush way ahead of Osama Bin Laden in the ‘people killed’ contest. Take that Osama! Ha! You with your 9-11. Our leader laughs at your puny attempt. As a matter of fact George W. Bush is way ahead of you in the ‘one’s own people killed’ contest too. He’s already indirectly killed over two thousand of his own soldiers. You with your highjackers and suicide bombers. You truly are a loser Osama Bin Laden. George W. Bush should truly be honored for such a great accomplishment. Thank you George W. Bush for being a true leader and showing the rest of the world Americans do it bigger and better than the terrorists.

The 30,000 dead Iraqis figure I quoted is actually just a ball park figure. The president said “30,000 more or less”. It’s hard to keep track of so many dead people. The number constantly fluctuates when your ‘spreading freedom’. Remember when Osama told his followers to ‘spread Islam’? Huh. That truly is funny. By funny I mean tragic.

Let’s go ahead and talk about something cheerful. Like TLC’s Sunday night freak show. Last night they aired a special called ‘The 727 Pound Man’. When I watched it I thought he looked like he weighed 737 pounds but then I realized the camera adds ten pounds.

It was truly disgusting. It looked like this guys body was slowly swallowing his head. You could barely tell he was the size of a car though because had a sweet moustache. I like that someone who gets so large that they can’t move takes the time to grow a moustache. “This ought to drive the ladies crazy. You can barely even tell I’m as big as a room.”

“Don’t make fun of fat people Joel. That’s not nice. Besides that, you’re a fat piece of crap as it is.” Ok, I’m not making fun of fat people, I’m making fun of someone so fat he had to have FOUR people turn him over. When you have lost the ability to roll over on your own, you have moved into the ‘free to make fun of’ category. The same category my ex-girlfriend, the president, Republicans, Democrats, and pretty much anyone else that isn’t me, is in. That’s not true. I make fun of myself quite a bit. You would too if you saw me but as I weigh seven hundred pounds that’s not very likely to happen.

The guy ended up, not shockingly, dying. The thing that gets me is that he had a wife. What the hell? Albeit she had a tooth in the front missing and looked like that alien who was wanted for the death sentence on twelve systems and who tried to pick a fight with Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. Still though, that guy had a woman. I don’t. That depresses me like few things do. Well few things that weigh 727 pounds.

They put his ashes in a box that resembled a box of donuts. That’s comedy so good I wish I would have written it.

Now I’m gonna get hate mail from all the right wing fat people out there. Great. At least Rush Limbaugh will have something to do in between popping Oxycontin and being a hypocrite.

Thing I’m thankful for today.

I am thankful I don’t live anywhere near Compton. I’m happy about that because it cuts down on the odds of my Korean owned liquor store being torched by understandably pissed African-Americans.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Flying by The Beatles. It has the bass line that I feel should have sampled long ago by some rapper.

MOVIE - War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise. I love war and the world and Tom Cruise so I pretty much had to recommend this movie.

APOLOGY IN ADVANCE - I apologize for being so boring and meandering with this entry. It’ll get better tomorrow. I promise.

Rest in peace Richard Pryor.

- Joel

Good afternoon.

There is an article out now that asks the question ‘Would Jesus watch Narnia, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe?’. I’m glad someone is asking the hard hitting questions. If I were a betting man which I’m not, not because I don’t bet but because I’m not really a man, I would say that Jesus probably has better things to do. I e-mailed the Lord and got this as a response.

—– Original Message —–
From: Joel
To: Jesus@myspace.com
Sent: Friday, December 09, 2005 1:59 PM

Hey Lord. Joel here. Just wondering if you could tell me if you might watch the upcoming Narnia movie.

By the way lol about that Sarah Silverman video you sent me. That was great.

Anyhow, talk to ya later.

-Joel

—– Original Message —–
From: Jesus@myspace.com
To: Joel
Sent: Friday, December 09, 2005 2:40 PM
Subject: Re:

Hey Joel.

I can’t say whether or not I’ll be watching that movie. I usually don’t have time for such things. I’m pretty busy answering prayers. That takes a lot out of a guy. See, due to a policy here in Heaven, we don’t necessarily have to answer every prayer but we do have to read all of them. Let me tell you something, the things I have to read all day can get so trying. If you could go ahead and post on your blog the following things, this would really cut down on my work and maybe free up some time for me. I’ve got the three Harry Potter movies from Netflix still sitting on my entertainment center I haven’t watched yet. So as a favor, just go ahead and post the following answers to the most common prayers.

You’re not going to get a video iPod Joel so just stop. That goes for everyone else too.

You’re not getting Brad back Jennifer so stop asking.

Everyone is going to figure out you’re not talented Toby Keith, so stop asking. Be grateful you’ve made it this far.

No matter how many times you ask, I’m not helping you with Iraq, George. You did this to yourself. I gave you free will and you know my stance on lying so have fun. You lied your way into this thing so lie your way out.

I can’t change who you find attractive. I created you that way. You’ll just have to come out of the closet Pat Robertson. That goes for Jerry Fallwell too.

You’re never going to walk again kid. Stop asking. I’m not mean, I’m sorry. Sometimes things slip through the cracks. When your product output is in the billions, you’re gonna get a defective model now and again.

You’ll never be Oprah, Tyra, so just stop.

To all the rappers and sports stars out there. I have nothing to do with you getting a music award or scoring points. Stop thanking me for that. I actually have put Buddha in charge of answering all entertainment related praise so direct that at him.

That about wraps it up for now. As far as watching Narnia, I can’t anytime soon. I still haven’t seen the new Star Wars movies, but from what I understand they aren’t that good. I should be tied up for the next few years. You guys have no idea what’s headed your way. It’s gonna be something.

Thanks for mailing me Joel and keep in touch. Thanks for the birthday gift too. I’ve actually been thinking about buying a Chia pet for a while.

See you soon. j/k.

- Jesus
Son of God - Savior of Man - Public Notority

So there’s that. That ought to make some people mad. Well people who can’t take a joke.

RIGHT NOW
SONG - 3 MC’s and One DJ by the Beastie Boys. This is true turntable talent at it’s best.

MOVIE - Saved by the Bell Hawaiian Style - The best movie to reaffirm that Dustin Diamond is a scourge to all humanity.

Holla.

-Joel

Good evening party people. Also good evening non-partying people.

I try to be open-minded, but the upcoming Brokeback Mountain, the gay cowboy movie, is gonna be a bit much to stomach. Pun intended. I don’t have a problem with gay movies. I don’t have a problem with westerns. I just have a problem with gay westerns. These are two paths that need not cross. Like Ashley Simpson and anything involving me hearing her.

Now that I think about it, maybe being a cowboy and being gay aren’t that different. They both involve a bunch of guys, tight pants and rope. If you take a gay guy and a cowboy and stand them next to each other, the only difference is the size of the belt buckle. That’s it. One wears brightly colored, heavily starched shirts, tight pants and fantastic boots. The other is a cowboy. I’m not saying cowboys are gay, but Rascal Flatts and Big & Rich really makes it hard to refute.

I don’t know who will be more offended. Cowboys for thinking I said they’re gay or gay guys for me saying they look like cowboys. Either way it’s a joke so move on.

None of this would have been written if instead of Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall it was Angelina Jolie and Penelope Cruz in the movie. I would have no problem with that at all. That’s a little something I like to call a ‘double standard’. It’s a skill I honed from watching Christian television.

Speaking of gay, I have been watching a whole lot of rodeo on ESPN. I love me some rodeo. One night at the club of the same name, I was ridiculously close to riding one of the beasts there. I’m not talking about one of the women you usually see there either. YIGGITY! I want to ride a bull before I die, and I had told a friend of mine that. Turns out he knew a guy at Rodeo and the guy said if we gave him $500.00 they would have let me ride. My friends Billy and Jason said they would split the price if I would do it. I was so frighteningly close to actually do it. The only thing holding me back was that I have never been on a bull and I didn’t want to be the poor man’s Stephen Hawking. Besides, Christopher Reeve was already the poor man’s Stephen Hawking. I would have just ended up being some guy who moved with a straw and got good parking.

Bull riders are tough guys. I am very respectful of them to an almost fearful level. I was friends with a really hot girl that I worked with and I saw her out at a club once. She ran over to me and gave me a hug. My arm was around her waist and vice versa as we talked. It was at this point, arms on waists, that she introduced me to her boyfriend. This guy shook my hand so hard I thought he had broken it. It turns out he was the youngest member of the International Pro Bullriding Association. He was none too happy his girlfriend had given me a hug. I apologized to him and he said everything was fine but I could tell it wasn’t. That dude was angry.

I don’t know what the point of that was other than to tell you all what a loser I am. Pretty much like everything I write. Doesn’t it make you feel better about yourself when you read what I write? It had better because when I read what I write I want to drive my car into a wall. Good times.

Thing I’m thankful for today.

The video iPod that I know I won’t get for Christmas. Thanks in advance for nothing Santa!

I wish I had more to tell you people but tales of me almost getting my ass kicked by a cowboy will have to suffice. I’m sure after cowboys read the first part of this post I’ll have a story about how I actually ended up getting my ass kicked by a cowboy for real.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Diesel Power by Prodigy off of Fat of the Land. I want to walk into a bar where there are bad guys and in slow motion just start whippin some ass while this song plays in the background. Matrix style yo. The only problem is that I’m not action star material and also I’m a wuss.

MOVIE - Ropin On The Range 43. It’s like Brokeback Mountain but with no mainstream stars, less talking, no live animals, and way more man on man action. Like lots more. More than Front-Tier Hunks 22 starring Brock Chesterton or Saddle Sore 18 starring Tyrone Labone.

Holla.

- Joel

Let’s do this.

I bank at Commercial Federal and, like most banks, they got bought out by a larger bank. I now bank at Bank of the West. I logged on to the new website to see how much money I don’t have. The greeting says ‘A Warm Welcome To Our New Customers’. The problem is that right above that greeting is a picture of a Grizzly Bear in the wild. Really? That’s not too assuring. I guess ‘warm welcome’ means ‘horrific mauling’.

President Bush says we are making ‘amazing progress’ in Iraq. That’s awesome! I had no idea. I mean I had thought differently since I have a brain, but I guess I was wrong. I have friends who are over there who say it is awful and they have no idea what they are doing there, but I guess they haven’t heard the president say what amazing progress we are making. He should make sure he tells the right people. Like how when he proclaimed major combat operations in Iraq were over while he stood under a huge banner reading ‘Mission Accomplished’ he forgot to tell the insurgents. Funny how things like that work.

Hopefully this will get some sort of dialogue started. Is it ever okay to hit a woman? I ask because I clobbered some broad yesterday who cut in front of me at Target and I’m feeling a little guilty.

I have had some people say that when a woman hits a man it’s okay to hit her back because she has, and I’m quoting, ‘stepped into the ring’ at that point. I have even been told by some women that they agree with that. I personally think that’s wrong. I have never hit a woman in my life. The last girl I dated punched, scratched and kicked me. I got popped in the mouth more times than Tina Turner. I never hit her though. It never even crossed my mind. If anyone deserved a good ol fashioned beat down casserole it was her but I wasn’t going to be the one to serve it up. I think that once you hit a kid or a woman, you’ve just stopped being a man.

I am a huge wuss. I’ve never been in a fight and am not one to instigate anything like that. One of the only times I have stepped up to someone was when I saw a guy smack his kid in the mouth at a grocery store. I walked up and helped his six year old daughter off of the floor. He smacked her that hard. She was crying and I said “It’s ok sweetheart. Go stand with that man over there.” She walked over to my friend and I said to her dad “Wanna hit me? I’ll let you. Seriously. Go for it.” He didn’t. My friend who was with me was freaking out because he said he had never seen me act like that. The manager of the store walked up and asked what was going on and I told him. The manager asked that I leave and he said he would take care of it. I really feel sorry for that little girl. I just really don’t get how anyone can hit a child or a woman.

I would just like to know what you guys think about that. Is it alright to hit a woman? I don’t care if you just found out that woman cheated on you or took all of your money. There is no excuse for hitting a woman.

Now that I’ve said that I’m sure women are just gonna walk up to me and smack me upside my pumpkin head. The jokes on you though ladies because your hand will break if you do that. Ha!

The go-to gift, every year, is the popcorn tin with three different types of popcorn. The first to go is always the cheese, followed by the caramel, and then that stale yellow styrofoam popcorn sits there forever. I am proposing collecting all the uneaten popcorn and donating it to the homeless. They’re hungry and living on a steady diet of vodka and free chili can get pretty old. By free chili I mean vodka. We’ll just go ahead and collect all the uneaten popcorn and put them in little sacks. Hoboes need nourishment too. It can be tiring to hold a sign that long.

Thing I’m thankful for today.

Diet Coke.

I really am boring.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Dead Wrong by Notorious B.I.G. featuring Eminem off of Eminem’s Curtain Call and Biggie’s Born Again. The beat on this song is one of the best beats I have ever heard. Seriously. No. I mean it. I wouldn’t lie to you.

MOVIE - Scarface. This movie is the perfect movie for the aspiring Cuban drug lord in your life.

GROUP THAT I WISH WOULD TOUR AGAIN - Beastie Boys. I would do pretty much anything to see them live. Well within reason.

Holla.

-Joel

Good evening.

Since I promised I would post everyday, I am beginning to feel a bit like Mr. Belevedere. The only difference between myself and Mr. Belvedere is that he’s dead and I don’t live with Bob Uecker. Well not anymore. That guy was a lush and never paid the rent so I had to kick Uecker out.

I would like to thank the fine folks at FOX for canceling Arrested Development. I’m glad they are canceling the funniest American sitcom in years. I guess they had to clear their schedule for lackluster fair such as ‘Stacked’ and ‘American Idol’. American Idol sucks and you know it. Just admit it.

There are only three saving graces to FOX anymore. The Simpsons, Family Guy and 24. If not for those shows I would have no reason to watch that network. I think it’s safe to say that outside of HBO I can’t think of one network with three shows worth watching. ABC has ‘Lost’. NBC has The Office and Earl. I would have mentioned Scrubs but I don’t know where they have put that show. CBS has Letterman and that’s about it. I am so sad for TV. If not for HBO I would have probably shot my TV long ago. Well not really. I hate guns because I’m a big headed pansy. Great. Now people who know me know they won’t get shot if they break into my house. That’s just swell. Now I’ll have to make sure to be extra careful with my collection of things worth nothing.

So Tyra Banks has announced she’s finished with runway modeling. Where are fashion designers supposed to find hot women who can wear clothes and walk at the same time now? Thanks a lot Tyra. I guess we’ll just have to get our fill of you as host of ‘America’s Next Top Poster Girl For Shallowness’ or your daily talk show where you fill the role of poor woman’s Oprah. You truly are a treasure who I’m sure will be around for weeks to come.

So Swedish seventies super group ABBA has announced that they will not be reforming under any circumstances. Dammit! It looks like all those letters I didn’t write worked.

Marilyn Manson got married over the weekend to burlesque model Dita Von Tease. Sorry to all you Hot Topic employees who were holding out hope of siring the antichrist.

Elton John has announced he will be marrying his long time partner once same sex marriage is legalized in Britain. Sorry to all the GAP employees who were holding out hope.

I really don’t have much to talk about. I guess that’s good.

Thing I’m thankful for today.

BARENAKED LADIES - The group and the real thing. YOWZA!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Under My Thumb by the Rolling Stones - This is the song that will play during the final shot and end credits to the movie I haven’t even started writing yet.

MOVIE - Training Day - That movie makes me want to see Denzel and Samuel Jackson in a movie together. I probably couldn’t handle that though. It would be like bad ass mofo overload.

Holla.

-Joel