Good evening fellow Okies. How about I just call you ‘fell-okies’?Yep. That takes care of writing the stupidest thing you’ll read by me today.
I haven’t been able to post anything because my computer has been more effed up than Courtney Love at a cocaine factory. That is if cocaine factories existed. Since they don’t exist, just replace ‘cocaine factory’ with ‘anywhere on the planet’ and that should make just as much sense.
I had an anti-virus program on my computer that kept popping up reminders to purchase the full version of the product, because apparently it had expired. Every ten seconds this message popped up. The software was already on the computer when I bought it, so I just uninstalled it and went to install the anti-virus software that COX offers for free. Before I could install it, a message appeared that I had to remove a component of the old software, that was still on the computer. I looked all through my computer and found nothing other than pictures I didn’t know that my roommate had downloaded. These pictures revealed that he has some sort of twisted Kathy Bates fetish. I had no idea she did those types of pictures, but I guess times are hard for Kathy Bates. I don’t know if I should feel sorry for her or the monkey.
I called COX ,who referred me to their vendor. The vendor referred me to the anti-virus company that was still on my computer. The guy said I have to reconfigure something in my computer. Now I’m getting pissed. I called the anti-virus company and as of right now , I have been on the phone for twenty-one minutes and nine seconds. I keep getting asked to make choices. That’s not bad. What’s bad is the hold music.
I understand that every hack comic on Earth has talked about crummy songs while on hold, but some things need to be beaten like a dead horse or a sleeping hobo. Unfortunately, it turns out that hoboes aren’t full of candy. Don’t ask how I know that.
In the past twenty minutes I have heard Rod Stewart, Gloria Estefan, Phil Collins, Luther Vandross, Huey Lewis, and the Backstreet Boys. Twice. It’s the type of music that you hear at a doctor’s office, or your parent’s house, if your parents live in a doctor’s office. Either way, this music denotes a not good time.
So that’s what’s going on now. I’m sitting here listening to horrible music while waiting to talk to someone who probably speaks horrible English because I have a horrible program on my computer. Speaking of things that are horrible…..
President Bush pardoned Thanksgiving turkeys ‘Marshmallow’ and ‘Yam’ today. The Turkeys will then be sent to Disneyland where they will be the honorary grand marshals of the Disneyland Thanksgiving Day parade. I guess Screech was busy. Let me go ahead and just put some direct quotes, below, that the president made today. I wish I was making these up.
“Marshmallow and Yam were a little skeptical about going to a place called Frying Pan Park.” Man that guy can tell a joke like it’s no one’s business. He makes me laugh sometimes without even meaning to.
“I know Marshmallow and Yam are going to feel pretty good strutting around sunny California, remembering the cold days of Minnesota.” He probably thinks the same thing about the soldiers. “I bet they enjoy the warmer climate of Iraq.”
“We think of our military families who will have an empty seat at the table this Thanksgiving.” He cares so much about our soldiers. Probably because he does have a constant reminder. I mean I can only imagine how difficult it must be for him to try to wash all that blood off of his hands everyday.
If George W. would just man up and say he made a mistake and will do everything he can to fix it, I might have some respect for him. Instead he continues to sell us on this war that is failing. Every time he gives a speech he is busy pointing the finger at everyone but himself. If I were a soldier I would be upset that he implies the soldiers are confused by the mixed messages the Democrats are sending to them while they are in Iraq. One of my best friends is over there right now and the only message he is getting is that the entire military got screwed by being sent over there.
Last week Bush said ,“Once Iraqis stand up, we will stand down.” Uh, they kind of already are. That’s the problem. We’re not getting attacked by those too cowardly to stand up for something they believe in.
I’ll end this with a quote from my friend who is over there. After returning from a trip to the fun filled adventure that is driving through Mosul, he e-mailed me and said, “These people really need to stop with their ‘Freedom Celebration Fireworks’.” I laughed for a while about that one.
“Joel, you’re preaching to the choir. Actually your preaching to the 63% of the choir who doesn’t like him. The other 37% of the choir are waiting for Bill O’Reilly to tell them what to think.” I’ll stop for now then.
I just got my computer fixed with the help of a woman named Maha. I think she sang “Take On Me”. Did you get that joke? You didn’t? I’m sorry.
I recently submitted something to be looked at as a writing sample for a small writing job I was told about. I really am disappointed in myself for submitting what I did because, after much re-reading and reflection, it wasn’t that good. I honestly am a little disappointed in myself. Like the time it took me beating to death three hoboes before finally giving up on finding any candy. What? Like a hobo has a computer. Please. Besides, boxcars don’t have wi-fi my friend.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Beautiful by James Blunt off of the album Back To Bedlam - I guess I am getting older because I can remember a day where I would have balked at ever listening to music like this. I can still remember how excited I was when I bought Hammer’s Too Legit To Quit on cassette. I guess musical maturity is the one type of maturity I have no problem exhibiting. I am not lying when I tell you I almost cried like a little girl when I heard the song ‘Goodbye My Lover’ off of the same album.
MOVIE - In America - I have mentioned this movie before, but it’s been running on HBO recently and I just can’t get over how great that movie is. If asked to compile a top ten, all time favorite movies list, that would be on there somewhere. You would also find Airplane on that list, so that tells you where my credibility level lies.
BEST CHRISTMAS THEMED COFFEE FLAVOR I HAVE YET TO TRY FROM STARBUCKS - Chocolate Santaccino. Don’t like that one? How about Santa Clauspresso. Still no good? Fine. Well then maybe you should try a Venti Vanilla Caramel gowriteyourownjokeccino.
Holla.
- Joel