Wow.
Yesterday’s post sucked. I apologize for that. I was pretty wiped out from all of that not jogging I do.
Thanksgiving is almost here. It’s that special time of year where we spend a day with family and friends eating like an Ethiopian at a Golden Corral. I would have made a reference to some obese celebrity but I’m willing to bet that a starving kid can put the food away a whole lot faster than Delta Burke could ever hope to.
It’s also that time of year where someone in my office organizes some excuse to eat for free. It’s the time of the year when you have to decide what will be the least ‘pain in the ass’ thing to make to bring to the office for everyone to criticize when you’re not around. Speaking of which, I have to get a few things out of the way. The following will only apply to certain people, but it’s time these things were said.
If you think we like your lemon squares Helen, your damn wrong. Learn to make something else. We’re just being nice about the lemon squares because you’re in a wheelchair.
Janet, if you could please not tell the story we’ve all heard before of how your husband almost burned the house down trying to fry a turkey seven years ago, that would be much appreciated.
No one eats what you bring Carl because your coat is always covered in cat hair and you smell like Old Spice and pee.
Stephanie, if you sign up to bring a dessert, a dozen, day old, glazed donuts from Wal-Mart just isn’t gonna cut it.
Walter, for the love of all things holy, please do not wear that god awful ‘turkey wearing a pilgrim hat’ pin on your lapel this year. It’s not funny and no one cares that your wife made it. She hates you. That’s why she makes you wear that thing. It looks like a drunk Steve Buscemi only fatter and with feathers and it’s attached to your coat. Oh. I hate to add insult to injury, but Phil in accounting has been going out with your wife for three months.
Finally, most of us can believe that Christmas is just a few weeks away Lindsay. We all know you think it seems like just yesterday you were celebrating Thanksgiving last year. Yes. It has been a year already. Move on. We don’t need to hear you talk about it for an hour. Time flies. We get it.
Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get to some legitimate tales from my life. “You mean that none of that was real? You tricked us again Joel!” I never said it wasn’t real. Now is the part where you all try to decide if I’m really that big of a jerk or if maybe you’re that big of a jerk for laughing at something that is all too familiar where you work. That’s what I thought.
In all honesty, we really are having an all office shindig tomorrow where I work. An e-mail went out earlier in the week asking what everyone wanted to bring. Being the person that I am, I immediately volunteered to bring paper plates and silverware. I don’t want to make anything to bring to the people I work with for two reasons. The first reason being that in an office of about fifty people, I only like three of them. I’m not going to put forth the effort to cook something for the only three people that I like.
The second reason is that I can’t cook that well. I can cook if forced, not that I’ve ever been forced to cook something though. “Dammit! You cook me a meal worthy of a king or I swear I’ll shoot you right in the face!” The extent of complicated things I can cook begins and ends with omelettes. Even that’s a stretch. Wait. I take that back. I can cook spaghetti but pretty much anyone born without defective chromosomes can whip up some spaghetti.
Since tomorrow is the Thanksgiving soiree, and I got out of having to cook, I went to not Target tonight to buy plates and forks and other things I don’t have to worry about cleaning. I thought that for sure it wouldn’t be too much of a hassle. I thought wrong. Like that time I bought Crystal Pepsi stock.
I get to the paper plate aisle and, of course, some woman with her kid was blocking the side of the aisle I needed to get to so she could stand there and argue with her bratty son about the type of detergent she was going to buy. By the way, if your four year old son has a detergent preference, at that age, I’m pretty sure he’s gay or perhaps a girl. Just thought you’d like to know.
So this woman finally moves and I reach for the first stack of plates I see. Then I stop. Twelve plates cost four bucks? What the eff? Surely not. I look and they are all about the same price. There is no way in hell I was going to spend that much for some paper plates. I reach for the Sam’s Choice stack o’ plates which was like a thousand plates for a nickel. Then I thought about it. I don’t want to be ‘cheap plate guy’. People would talk about me for years. “Remember Joel who used to work here?” “Oh yeah. That guy who bought those cheap ass plates that year?” “That’s him. Cheap plate guy. If he hadn’t bought those cheap plates I would have never spilled my food and Judy would have never slipped on my turkey and fallen down those stairs to her death. I hate that guy. I’m glad he doesn’t work here anymore.”
When all was said and done I ended up spending about forty bucks on some nice paper plates just to possibly save someone’s life. If someone falls down some stairs to their death from slipping on turkey, it won’t be the fault of my trying to save some money by buying cheap plates. I refuse to be cheap plate guy.
That post was much better than yesterday’s. That’s more like the Joel you don’t know and kinda hate.
RIGHT NOW
Song - High by James Blunt off of the album ‘Back To Bedlam’. I know nothing about this artist other than that I heard the song on VH1 and downloaded the song right after I heard it. I love this song. It makes me want to matter.
Movie - Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. It’s one of the few movies that I’ve laughed and cried at. Wait. That’s not true. I’ve seen Catwoman.
POSSIBLE LUCRATIVE QUESTION - Does anyone know how one can get paid to write? Are you someone who wants to pay someone to write? Well it just so happens I like writing and I like getting paid. What more do you need? Make my week before Thanksgiving wish come true and hire me as a writer. Seriously. If anyone knows how to do that please let me know.
Holla.
- Joel