Wow. Consistency is not my strong suit, but here we are again. I promised myself, and the four people who read this, that I would write daily through the end of the year. After that you’ll just have to make yourself laugh. I’m tired of doing it. It’s a lot of pressure to make four people laugh. Speaking of which……..
My partner and I are in talks to do a pretty high profile comedy show within the next month. I found out today that we need to be super clean with our acts. It’s not like we’re filthy or anything. However, when I went over my material, I got the same feeling you get when you are around your parents or some children and catch yourself about to curse and only then do you realize how much you really do curse. That feeling. Jeez I’ve got a lot of cleaning up to do.
To be clean with my act I’ll have to change the way I refer to people. Instead of referring to my ex-girlfriend as I do in my act now, I’ll have to instead call her a non-clean harlot who fornicates with many individuals in exchange for the correct denomination native to her locale at the time of said transaction, without my knowledge. I’ll have to refer to the president as a knowledge deficient offspring of a female dog. I’ll have to refer to Toby Keith as a non-thin portion of canus excrement. Stop there? You get it? Ok.
I just watched Garth Brooks perform on the CMA’s. Only in New York City could Garth effing Brooks be performing in Times Square and the roads are still open. “What the heck is going on up there? Is that Garth Brooks? Dammit! I better be able to get through. I got stuff to do. I’m a New Yorker! I do not have time for this. Jeez. I have important New York things to do! I have Woody Allen movies to be in and people to mug! Damn you Garth Brooks! Oh. The roads are open? Never mind. Press on Abdullah!” Because Abdullah is the best stereotypical cab driver name I could think of. Yeah. Ok.
I ate at Long John Silver’s yesterday. It seems to be a semi-annual visit I take to remind myself of why I hate it. Kind of like the meal equivalent of listening to a Britney Spears song every six months. “Oh yeah. This is why I don’t listen to her music. I had forgotten until just now when I made myself sick to my stomach.”
I’ve noticed recently that I have had some comments from some readers in Australia. I love the idea of moving there because it’s not here and no one there knows what a big moron I am. Until that last part. Damn. I would love to find out more about Australia from people that live there. It seems as though I am beginning to be appreciated in a country that isn’t my own. Not unlike Bill Hicks, Eddie Izzard and David Hasslehoff. That’s pretty good company. Anyhow, here are some questions I would like answered.
What do you think of our president? Please answer honestly. Then again you might be afraid our government might stumble across your answers and then decide to wage war on Australia. You laugh but it wouldn’t surprise me.
Do women there like schlubby white guys with no talent other than writing and cracking jokes? An Australian accent is super hot.
What is the deal with Beautiful Agony? Esquire did a story on it this month and it is, uh, interesting. Is that a big deal down there?
Do you hate all the Crocodile Dundee jokes stupid ass Americans make when they are down there? If American tourists quoting lines from Crocodile Dundee is as rampant down there as I fear, I give you full permission, as an American, to slap any American that you see who thinks they are being clever when they say “Put another shrimp on the barbie!” Just do it.
What does ‘whinge’ mean? I noticed on an Australian blog I read the other day. I want to import that word and work it into my vernacular but am awaiting a definition.
That’s about it for now my Australian friends. I truly do like you guys and, nothing against America, but if I could live anywhere other than the United States I would want to live in Australia. Besides, I want to die in a cool way and from what I’ve found on the internet, if I move to Australia, my chances of getting eaten by a Great White Shark are increased by ten fold.
Well I know it’s short and semi-sweet, like a slightly bitchy midget, but I have to get to cleaning up my act. Literally! YOWZA!
RIGHT NOW
Song - Old School Rules from the album The Mouse and the Mask by Dangerdoom. I’m telling you that this album is dope. Like really dope. Like the dopest thing ever. Don’t get confused though. I said ‘dopest’ not ‘dopiest’ or Deppest’. I wasn’t talking about George Bush or the guy from 21 Jump Street. That was so stupid.
Movie - The Jerk - One of Steve Martin’s funniest movies. “What about Cheaper by the Dozen?” You heard me. Well not really but you get the point. I hope.
Funniest Woman Named Sarah Silverman - Sarah Silverman. This woman is unbelievably funny and hot as well. If you want to see a trailer for her movie, Google ‘Jesus Is Magic’. I would have put a link on here but I don’t want to be responsible for getting someone fired.
Holla.
- Joel