I really wish I hadn’t agreed to make a fake pact that I would write something everyday through the end of the year. It makes me realize I don’t do much at all. Damn.
I hate being in a bad mood, and I hate to spread it around, but here goes. It might not help you but it will make me feel a whole lot better. Kind of like when you punch a hobo. What’s that? Not everyone punches hoboes? Wow. Something new everyday I guess.
So I was at not Target yesterday and I was thinking about how wonderful it would be if there was one day out of the year where no children were allowed anywhere I need to go. When I go into a store, I know what I need, I go get it and want to get out of there in the shortest amount of time possible. This becomes increasingly difficult when there are kids anywhere around. They run into me or bump into me or won’t move and I politely say excuse me and then I get the ol’ stink eye from their mom. Yep. I’m clearly in the wrong. I can totally see how if I was shouting at my mom about wanting cookies and someone was trying to get past, it’s their fault. I suppose I should just let it go that some kid ran right in front of me and knocked some stuff over or ran into me. I don’t get mad I just marvel at how these kid’s parents feel that it’s everyone else’s responsibility their kid is acting like a cracked out dwarf.
Just give those of us who are lucky enough to not have children yet a day to shop in peace.Just one. That’s all I want. I swear I would shop like some sort of survivalist militia freak and stock up with enough food and supplies for 364 days until the next kids-free shopping day came around.
“You must think it’s so easy Joel. You obviously don’t have kids otherwise you wouldn’t make such an absurd proposal. You must really hate children.” I don’t hate children at all. I can’t wait to be a dad. I’m just throwing it out there is all. Calm down.
While we’re talking about shopping, let me go ahead and throw something else out there. Women, most guys HATE shopping. We don’t care. At all. This seems obvious but guys still do it. When I was with Satan (Amber) I would go shopping with her all the time. Why? Because I loved her. However it got to the point where I just couldn’t make myself act like I cared. One too many trips to Wet Seal or The Buckle is what did me in. She thought I was so mean for not wanting to go shopping with her. I guess since she had no friends I was kind of forced to go. I guess I just couldn’t handle the pressure of it all. “Do I look good in this?” Sure? What’s the answer that will guarantee we won’t get in a fight? That’s the one I want to give.
Besides, if she looked bad in something it’s not like I could say “That shirt makes you look like a whore.” because it would hurt her feelings, even it was the truth. I don’t want to be forced to hurt people’s feelings.
She would tell me that she just wanted to wear clothes that I would like. Ok. First, guys don’t care what you wear. If we like you, we don’t care what you’re wearing. I prefer a woman in a hooded sweatshirt and jeans than some women who is dressing like Paris Hilton. It denotes a sense of self confidence.
Don’t get me wrong and assume I think a girl isn’t pretty when dressed up. I just think women dress up for each other. Whenever a woman is dressed up she wants to make sure she looks better than any other woman who might be wherever it is she is going. Don’t believe me? The next time you go to a club pay close attention to the way women size each other up. It’s both sad and hilarious. It’s sadlarious.
I don’t know why women try so hard. I truly believe that any woman could pretty much get any guy she wants. That don’t work the same for the brothas though. We have to be rich and good looking and interesting and dress well. Not unlike when women dress up to ‘one-up’ other women, they also have to have a man that will make her friends jealous. I would venture to say there is more pressure on men than women when it comes to dating.
I dunno where that came from. Oh wait. Yeah I do. I’m a huge loser. That’s where that came from.
I am sorry about all the negativity. I had a bad day at work. It was one of those days that makes you want to jump out the window. One of those days that makes you wonder how you got in the situation you’re in. One of those days where you replay every bad mistake you’ve ever made that got you in the spot you’re in. So just another Monday for me.
If anyone knows someone who wants to hire a writer let them know I’m available. I’ll write about whatever you want me to. Seriously. I’ll even write a biography of Toby Keith at this point. I just need enough money to be able quit my job and be entertaining. That’s all. It won’t cost you much. How much? Well how much do you have? I’m reasonable.
I really need to quit my job before I turn into everything I hate. I’m afraid I’m already half way there. The only thing missing is a wife who cheats on me and a kid who resents me the way I resent my own father.
Alright, since I am going to write everyday I’ll go ahead and write about the days news events. “What’s that Joel? Are you done complaining now? Are you done pissing us off with your mundane life?” Yeah. For now.
George W. Bush’s approval rating is at an all time low. It’s at 36. That’s double his IQ.
Wrestling star Eddie Guerrero was found dead in his hotel room today. It is wrestling though so he’s probably fake dead.
Yankee Alex Rodriguez was named American League MVP today. Now maybe he can start making some real money.
I don’t have much more to write right now. What’s happened to me? I used to be pretty funny but now all I can do is this. I’m losing my comedic powers. Now I know how Carrot Top feels.
RIGHT NOW
Song - The Mask by Danger Doom off the album The Mouse and the Mask. This is by far one of the best hip-hop albums of all time. Yes. Even better than Twelve Inches of Snow.
Movie - Spaceballs. That recommendation will only be funny for the right reasons to one person on the planet. Not unlike the movie itself.
Funniest Thing I Heard A Transient Say Today - As he approached two women a haggard transient said, “Hey ladies a good friend of mine is going to performing here in a couple of weeks. Jon Bon Jovi. You should check out his album. It’s really good.” I think the guy was Ron Bon Jovi, Jon’s lesser known brother. When Jon took up the guitar, Ron took up the accordion and the rest is history. Also, how is it that a bum, has better game than I do. I mean the guy was probably sauced out of his mind but he was still hitting on two women. Wow.
- Joel