Hello.
I know that it has been over a week since I’ve written anything. I just want to tell all my adoring fan that they can finally stop keeping vigil over their computer waiting for my wise cracking ways. By ‘wise cracking’ I mean pointless.
I am now driving a new car. Well it’s new to me. Now I know that isn’t that big of a deal to you, because you’re not me, but it is a HUGE deal for me. Trust me. For the past three years I have driven a 1989 Volkswagen FOX. The knob on the stick shift broke off so it was like shifting gears with a magic marker. I also got in an accident last year so the front end was all bent up. The door behind the drivers side was broken and could not be opened. It did have a cassette deck though so that was pimp. That last line was a joke. I am so glad that car is gone. That car was like having an ugly girlfriend. Sure it gets the job done, but no one wants to looks at it, let alone ride in it.
I am now driving a Honda Accord. It’s used but it drives like a champ. It doesn’t shake violently when it goes above sixty. People don’t throw things at me and yell ‘unclean’ when I’m driving down the street in it. When I told my friend Thomas that I had gotten a new car he said “Good. Now it won’t look like you’re wearing your car.” That’s damn funny and you know it! Don’t argue with me!
With every good thing in my life there is always a catch though. The car has some hail damage. It’s pretty bad but I really don’t care. The best joke about that is credited to my friend Adam. He said “It looks like you’ve been picking up golf balls on a driving range.” If you don’t like that reference, here’s a good one. My car has so much hail damage on it you would think it was the back of my ex-girlfriend’s leg. ZING!
I went into a window tint place today to see how much it cost to get the windows tinted on my car. As I was talking to the guy his phone rang and his ring tone was that god awful Toby Keith ‘boot in your ass’ song. At that moment I decided I couldn’t give him my business. I don’t really have anything personal against Toby Keith. I’ve never met him. I yelled at him at the Mont once but that’s it. However, I also haven’t met Hitler but I wouldn’t give some guy my business who had Zieg Heil on his phone as a ring tone.
The car’s radio does not work either which really isn’t as bad as you would think it might be. On my way to work, because I can’t listen to morning radio wackiness, I just pretend I have my own morning show. I spend the half hour drive to work laughing at my own jokes, talking bad about other morning show teams, and playing the same Britney Spears song in my head on a loop. Sometimes I will give myself a prize if I am the ninth caller. I never am though. The line is always busy when I call myself. It’s really not too different than most morning radio shows only it’s much funnier and I don’t want to punch anything.
Speaking of low level celebrity, I sat right across from either Phil or Drew from KISS FM’s afternoon show at the Hornets game the other night. I can’t tell which one it was but I’m sure it was the one who isn’t very funny but laughs all the time. So really it could have been either of them. Apparently having a sub-par afternoon drive time show in the city netted him some pretty sweet thirteen dollar tickets. Whoa! Watch out everyone! Celebrity coming through!
“Why are you so hateful Joel? You don’t even know him. He could be very funny.” Maybe, I mean a lot of people are good at hiding things.
Now Dana has another reason to hate me. You’re welcome.
I’m on this tuna kick right now. It’s all I’ve been eating in an attempt to lose weight. A friend of mine said to be careful because tuna has a lot of mercury in it. I don’t know if this has anything to do with the mercury I’ve been inadvertently consuming but I now have the ability to tell the temperature without even looking at anything. For instance right now it’s 66 degrees. I have no idea how I know that! It’s like due to mass mercury consumption I have become the lamest super hero ever! 67 degrees. See! Dammit! This super power sucks.
I have done a lot in the past week that I will talk about tomorrow. I promise that until the end of the year I will post everyday. That way all of you who weren’t worried can be annoyed.
I really am sorry this is short and crappy.
RIGHT NOW
Song - For Once In My Life by Stevie Wonder. I can’t wait until this song means more to me than it does.
Movie - Tron. It’s like the Matrix but with way less Keanu.
Worst Blog Entry to Date - This one.
66 degrees.
- Joel