Good day all.
So let’s get right into another pun filled adventure with Joel, the guy you hate to love.
Whenever anyone tries to tell a story about their friends there’s a fifty-fifty chance it’s gonna suck. “Oh man and then Rick got up on the bar and it was uh……..well you had to be there.” If I had to be there, and you know I wasn’t, rethink whether or not you want to make yourself look stupid. I only say this because I am the king of ‘had to be there’ stories, so I know how it feels to be that guy.
The time my friends and I saw Eminem at a bar or the time I saw my friend make his Cadillac fly or the time a gorgeous sports model asked my friend and I to take her home or the time I had to chase a friend of mine through a parking lot at four in the morning because he decided to crawl out the window of the car at the drive-thru at a McDonalds after he had decided to drop two hits of acid before going off to the military are all really good stories. The story about the time a friend of mine and I sang karaoke to a girl is not a good story. Unfortunately I seem to have a lot more of those than I’d like. It’s a story that means nothing but to those people who were there. I hate being the ‘had to be there’ story guy. I’ll try to share one of my good stories with you now.
“We don’t give a crap Joel! Your whole life is a ‘had to be there’ story only no one wants to be there! That’s probably why you woke up alone, again, only to spend your morning writing on the laptop you have hooked up in the storm cellar you live in. Look, every time we accidentally stumble upon your blog we expect so much more. Perhaps some uneducated rant about god knows what or something about your kids. Those things make us happy because they are meaningless.” Well I’m sorry. I like to pretend that what I write for free is actually read by people who might like something more out of life than yelling and breeding. “Oh. Well then by all means, tell us your lame story.” I’m trying. “Well go ahead.” Ok. “Fine.” Good.
A few years ago, on St. Patricks’s day, a bunch of friends of mine made our annual trek to O’Connells in Norman for a day of watered down green beer consumption and looking at girls that we would never talk to. Oh, and Vanilla Ice. I’m a huge Vanilla Ice fan. Ok, I’m not so much a fan of Vanilla Ice as much as I am a fan of crappy things. If you doubt me, just know that I own both From Justin to Kelly and Sideout on DVD. See. I told you I liked crappy things.
My friends and I had been down there all day, and most of us were pretty drunk. It was almost nine at night and my friend Adam was hammered, and said he needed to go take a nap. He had parked right across the street from O’Connnells and said he was going to sleep in his car for about half an hour. I think we all knew he was gonna be passed out for the rest of the night so we let him go.
About twenty minutes after Adam’s departure, my friend Jason introduced me to a friend of his who was a police officer. His name was Steven. Actually it was something totally different than Steven but I don’t want to get him in trouble. Being the good friend that I am, and one who only seems to seize the opportunities that need not be seized, I asked Steven if he ever messed with people. He said he loved to do that. I told him where Adam was parked and that I wanted him to give Adam a drunk test. He said he had to go get his huge cop flashlight out of his truck, but other than that he was ready to go. He actually seemed more excited about it than I was.
Now I know this may not seem all that funny but Adam had just gotten his car back. He had a really nice Acura that had been stolen twice in less than a month. Because he had just gotten his car back he was really careful with it. He treated it like an overprotective mother of a child who had their child kidnapped and returned. Twice.
So Steven returns with his huge cop flashlight and my friend B-Mack and I walk over with him and show him where Adam is parked. Adam is passed out in the driver side of the car. B-Mack and I hide behind a car near Adam’s so he can’t see us. Steven makes his way over to the car and bangs on the window and shines the flashlight right in Adam’s face. He asks Adam to step out of the car. Adam gets out and stumbles right into the car next to his. At this point Adam had no idea what was going on because Steven wasn’t in uniform. He could have just been some crazy guy with a flashlight. That ought to tell you how messed up Adam was. Steven shows him his badge, shining the light in Adam’s face almost the entire time, and asks for his license. He tells Adam that he is part of an undercover police department sting operation to help crack down on drunk driving.
Steven proceeds to give Adam a DUI field test. He made Adam do the whole thing. He had Adam walk the line, touch his nose and numerous other things that usually precede a trip to jail. During the whole process Adam could barely stand up. He kept swaying and Steven kept asking him why he wasn’t able to stand still. Adam kept apologizing and calling him sir. You could see the fear on Adam’s face from a mile away.
After about ten minutes Steven tells Adam that he believes he is drunk and asks him to turn around and place his hands on his head. Adam does and Steven says “Also, you have two friends behind that car over there who got me to come over here and do this.” I thought Adam would be pissed. It turned out that Adam wasn’t angry at all. He said he was just glad he wasn’t going to jail and that he got to keep his car. I laughed so hard at that. You had to be there.
“You tricked us again Joel! Your word tomfoolery is infuriating! I just pray you don’t talk about the president otherwise I’ll have to throw something!” Well get your throwing arm ready.
Right now our so-called leader is in Argentina where the Summit of the Americas is taking place. Thousands of protestors showed up to voice their dislike for Bush. They went as far to call him a fascist and a terrorist. I guess I find it disappointing that people in a country he doesn’t even ‘lead’ are more passionate with their dislike for him than we are. Hopefully this CIA thing will prove to everyone what a loser this guy is and how harmful this administration is for everyone in this country.
When commenting on the summit Bush said, “It’s not easy to host all these countries, particularly not easy to host, perhaps, me.” Other countries probably look at Bush like the guy at the party no one wanted to invite but had to be invited because he is going out with someone who you’re really good friends with and you don’t want to hurt your friends feelings. The type of guy who ends up putting his fist through a wall because he can’t handle his alcohol. The type of guy your friend just can’t seem to break up with. “When he’s not hitting me in a drunken rage, he’s a really nice guy. You just need to get to know him. You don’t know him like I do.” Yeah. Right now the world looks at America as that guy. Nobody likes that guy.
I asked a good friend of mine yesterday, whose opinion I respect but disagree with, why he voted for Bush. He said that he voted for Bush because of his stance on two things, abortion and gay marriage. He said he liked that Bush was pro-life. Y’know it’s only pro-life if you’re one hundred percent on it. I don’t think the president gets that being pro-life means after someone is born too. You can’t be pro-life and then hold the record for most capital murders. You can’t be pro-life and be responsible for the deaths of our soldiers and thousands of people in a country we’re ‘liberating’. You can however say you’re pro-life to get the moral majority on your side.
I’m not going to go into gay marriage again because I don’t want to instigate Aman. With a name like that he may very well be strapping a one-time use vest to himself just to make a point.
“Anything else you want to go over again to waste our time, Joel?” Nope. That ought to do it for today.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - My Doorbell off of Get Behind Me Satan by The White Stripes. I have had this song on an endless loop in my head for two straight days.
MOVIE - Raiders of the Lost Ark. I love this movie. I have a little fun fact related to that movie. The same golden idol used in the beginning of Raiders also appeared in the Jim Carrey movie The Majestic. In the movie within a movie, Bruce Campbell is reaching for the same exact idol. I have way to much useless information in my head. I wonder if somewhere in my brain lies the cure for cancer but it’s buried underneath useless movie trivia. Oh well.
SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH OF THE CENTURY - It has been recently proven by scientists that tipping a cow is physically impossible. I guess that is more important than curing AIDS or cancer. Thanks scientists!
Holla.
-Joel