JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Nothing like a night of drowning sorrows in Chimay to cause me to start my entry with a truly heartfelt apology. B-Mack brought a friend of his, Christie, to Makers last night. She was having a bad day and she just needed to go out. When she got there she started throwing little verbal barbs at me. The problem is that when I drink Chimay my wit phaser is set to ‘annihilate’. I am quick witted but sometimes people aren’t ready for it. Chimay seems to destroy my ability to tell whether or not someone is joking. I’m not entirely what exactly it was that I said but I know that I made her bad day worse and I feel horrible about it. I would just like to apologize to her. I’m so guilt-ridden. To know that I’ve hurt someone I don’t even know that well is a feeling comparable to nothing. I would just like to say that I am really sorry.

Since it is Thanksgiving, and everyone is throwing loads of things they are thankful for in their entries, I will now also bow to the blog fueled peer pressure. I apologize. Without further time wasting, here is some wasted time for you by way of my words.

I would like to thank president Bush for being a shining example of ineptitude. Thank you for showing us that anyone can become successful despite an absence of a conscious or an inability to speak.

I would like to thank General Motors for showing us that profits are more important than people.

I would like to thank my ex-girlfriend for my inability to trust women. Also, thank you for providing me with the inspiration for the arch nemesis for the comic book hero I created, ‘Ricky Boombastic: the Big Headed Marauder from Zeflon 5′. It will be a great battle when Ricky meets the character based on you ‘Slutty McLoonypants’. I’ll send you the issue when it’s done.

I would like to thank the parents of my future wife. Thanks for not putting her up for adoption despite the mental problems and the arm growing out of her neck.

I would like to thank myself for being so damn funny. Thanks me.

Thanks to all the people who wait until I walk past them to start talking amongst themselves about how much I look like a rapist.

Thanks to Nick Drake, David Gray and James Blunt for making me cry through song. Thanks for making me a wuss guys.

I would like to thank all the people who comment on what I write. Without you I would have no other way of knowing whether or not I have wasted anyone’s time and made them laugh simultaneously.

So that was kind of boring and only slightly funny. You try writing something hilarious while guilt ridden and hung over.

RIGHT NOW

SONG- Wisemen by James Blunt off of the album Back To Bedlam - This album is quickly moving into the list of my favorite all time albums. Not that you care about that. I mean I’m an idiot.

MOVIE - Ed Wood - Johnny Depp’s best performance ever.

THING THAT I THINK IS MOST IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER TODAY- Remember to be thankful for all the families who don’t have the one they miss the most because they are serving in the military. Think of those who may have lost someone because of it. These people have had their lives changed in a way few of us will ever realize. Thank you to the sons and daughters. Thank you to the husbands and wives. Thank you to those of you who made a sacrifice that is greater than any imaginable. Thank you.

- Joel

Good evening fellow Okies. How about I just call you ‘fell-okies’?Yep. That takes care of writing the stupidest thing you’ll read by me today.

I haven’t been able to post anything because my computer has been more effed up than Courtney Love at a cocaine factory. That is if cocaine factories existed. Since they don’t exist, just replace ‘cocaine factory’ with ‘anywhere on the planet’ and that should make just as much sense.

I had an anti-virus program on my computer that kept popping up reminders to purchase the full version of the product, because apparently it had expired. Every ten seconds this message popped up. The software was already on the computer when I bought it, so I just uninstalled it and went to install the anti-virus software that COX offers for free. Before I could install it, a message appeared that I had to remove a component of the old software, that was still on the computer. I looked all through my computer and found nothing other than pictures I didn’t know that my roommate had downloaded. These pictures revealed that he has some sort of twisted Kathy Bates fetish. I had no idea she did those types of pictures, but I guess times are hard for Kathy Bates. I don’t know if I should feel sorry for her or the monkey.

I called COX ,who referred me to their vendor. The vendor referred me to the anti-virus company that was still on my computer. The guy said I have to reconfigure something in my computer. Now I’m getting pissed. I called the anti-virus company and as of right now , I have been on the phone for twenty-one minutes and nine seconds. I keep getting asked to make choices. That’s not bad. What’s bad is the hold music.

I understand that every hack comic on Earth has talked about crummy songs while on hold, but some things need to be beaten like a dead horse or a sleeping hobo. Unfortunately, it turns out that hoboes aren’t full of candy. Don’t ask how I know that.

In the past twenty minutes I have heard Rod Stewart, Gloria Estefan, Phil Collins, Luther Vandross, Huey Lewis, and the Backstreet Boys. Twice. It’s the type of music that you hear at a doctor’s office, or your parent’s house, if your parents live in a doctor’s office. Either way, this music denotes a not good time.

So that’s what’s going on now. I’m sitting here listening to horrible music while waiting to talk to someone who probably speaks horrible English because I have a horrible program on my computer. Speaking of things that are horrible…..

President Bush pardoned Thanksgiving turkeys ‘Marshmallow’ and ‘Yam’ today. The Turkeys will then be sent to Disneyland where they will be the honorary grand marshals of the Disneyland Thanksgiving Day parade. I guess Screech was busy. Let me go ahead and just put some direct quotes, below, that the president made today. I wish I was making these up.

“Marshmallow and Yam were a little skeptical about going to a place called Frying Pan Park.” Man that guy can tell a joke like it’s no one’s business. He makes me laugh sometimes without even meaning to.

“I know Marshmallow and Yam are going to feel pretty good strutting around sunny California, remembering the cold days of Minnesota.” He probably thinks the same thing about the soldiers. “I bet they enjoy the warmer climate of Iraq.”

“We think of our military families who will have an empty seat at the table this Thanksgiving.” He cares so much about our soldiers. Probably because he does have a constant reminder. I mean I can only imagine how difficult it must be for him to try to wash all that blood off of his hands everyday.

If George W. would just man up and say he made a mistake and will do everything he can to fix it, I might have some respect for him. Instead he continues to sell us on this war that is failing. Every time he gives a speech he is busy pointing the finger at everyone but himself. If I were a soldier I would be upset that he implies the soldiers are confused by the mixed messages the Democrats are sending to them while they are in Iraq. One of my best friends is over there right now and the only message he is getting is that the entire military got screwed by being sent over there.

Last week Bush said ,“Once Iraqis stand up, we will stand down.” Uh, they kind of already are. That’s the problem. We’re not getting attacked by those too cowardly to stand up for something they believe in.

I’ll end this with a quote from my friend who is over there. After returning from a trip to the fun filled adventure that is driving through Mosul, he e-mailed me and said, “These people really need to stop with their ‘Freedom Celebration Fireworks’.” I laughed for a while about that one.

“Joel, you’re preaching to the choir. Actually your preaching to the 63% of the choir who doesn’t like him. The other 37% of the choir are waiting for Bill O’Reilly to tell them what to think.” I’ll stop for now then.

I just got my computer fixed with the help of a woman named Maha. I think she sang “Take On Me”. Did you get that joke? You didn’t? I’m sorry.

I recently submitted something to be looked at as a writing sample for a small writing job I was told about. I really am disappointed in myself for submitting what I did because, after much re-reading and reflection, it wasn’t that good. I honestly am a little disappointed in myself. Like the time it took me beating to death three hoboes before finally giving up on finding any candy. What? Like a hobo has a computer. Please. Besides, boxcars don’t have wi-fi my friend.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Beautiful by James Blunt off of the album Back To Bedlam - I guess I am getting older because I can remember a day where I would have balked at ever listening to music like this. I can still remember how excited I was when I bought Hammer’s Too Legit To Quit on cassette. I guess musical maturity is the one type of maturity I have no problem exhibiting. I am not lying when I tell you I almost cried like a little girl when I heard the song ‘Goodbye My Lover’ off of the same album.

MOVIE - In America - I have mentioned this movie before, but it’s been running on HBO recently and I just can’t get over how great that movie is. If asked to compile a top ten, all time favorite movies list, that would be on there somewhere. You would also find Airplane on that list, so that tells you where my credibility level lies.

BEST CHRISTMAS THEMED COFFEE FLAVOR I HAVE YET TO TRY FROM STARBUCKS - Chocolate Santaccino. Don’t like that one? How about Santa Clauspresso. Still no good? Fine. Well then maybe you should try a Venti Vanilla Caramel gowriteyourownjokeccino.

Holla.

- Joel

Good evening.

It looks like I broke the pact I made with the three people that read this. I didn’t write anything yesterday. I had promised to write something every day through the end of the year. I apologize if I’ve let you down. I apologize for not keeping my word. Don’t feel bad though. It’s not unusual that I go back on my word about something. Ask the mother of my three children. I know I said I’d send her twelve dollars a month, as was agreed upon in the settlement we made on Divorce Court. Jeez. I’ve got much better things to spend my not hard earned cash on. Like not paying off creditors or my crack dealer. Sorry. I don’t want you guys to get the wrong impression of me. That last part wasn’t true. I’m usually pretty good about paying my crack dealer.

So last night I got one of the best Christmas gifts I’ve ever received. “Isn’t it a bit early? It’s not even Thanksgiving yet!” I think Christmas gift giving should begin when Christmas commercials start. Anyhow, my friend Adam bought me a baseball glove. And to top that, the mitt fits. I have huge hands. Kind of like that one puppet from Puppetmasters that had huge hands but a tiny head, only my head looks like a pumpkin and I’m slightly taller.

I am a huge baseball fan, but have never really played. “You could have played in high school.” I was home schooled, so that wasn’t even an option. My parents tried to tell me I was on a team though. Every game was me versus the side of the house. I hate losing to a house. That sucks.

One of the greatest memories from my childhood was when my dad played catch with me. It wasn’t as often as I would have liked though.. “Maybe you can play catch with your dad now.” I doubt it. He wouldn’t play catch with me now because I don’t think he has a mitt. And he’s not alive.

Sorry.

I am pretty pumped though about having a mitt. I’m not as active as I probably should be. Not that my owning a mitt means I’m going to be taking the field with the Redhawks anytime soon. I’m so inept at sports that I couldn’t even take the field for beep ball, and I can see.

If I rubbed a lamp, and instead of being asked to leave Mathis Brothers like usual, a genie appeared and granted me any three talents, they would be as follows……

1. The ability to play baseball. I would like to play any infield position other than catcher or pitcher. I wouldn’t want to play in the outfield because I already don’t like thousands of people yelling things at me or throwing hot dogs at me.

2. The ability to play the piano. This has nothing to do with sports at all but I did say any three talents. I never said it had to be restricted to sports. Get off my back about it already.

3. The ability to dance like Michael Jackson. I’m talking about MJ in his prime. Like the Thriller or Bad days. This isn’t a joke either. Imagine how the ladies would love a baseball playing dancing pianist. That last word sounds funny. I re-read the sentence before the last one and I got a mental image of the worst animated corporate mascot ever. Like the corporate mascot for Trojan or something.

“Enough, Joel. We’re on quip over load right now. Can’t you write about something else?” Yes I can. Here goes.

I watched a Garth Brooks special today on CMT. It was good to see him again. I’m not a huge country music fan at all, but I do love some Garth Brooks. He is one of the best hosts SNL has ever had and he makes good music. He also doesn’t seem to be a pretentious country star,like someone I could name. I’m talking to you Mr. Toby Keith. Garth Brooks just seems like a nice guy. He never sings about putting his boots where they shouldn’t even think about being.

Garth Brooks makes me want to become a cowboy so it won’t sound out of place when I say I like him. “Well why not just become a cowboy Joel? Just go buy some Wranglers, a frisbee sized belt buckle and a hat and you’re good to go.” I can’t do that. I’ve tried. I dated a cowgirl once and we went into Teners because she had to buy jeans. Initially I was taken aback by the things I saw in there that were made out of denim. No lie, I saw a tux coat that was made out of denim. Anyway, while there I also inquired as to the largest hat size they carried, because I wanted to get a cowboy hat. Not surprisingly, they didn’t carry globe sized hats. My dream of being a cowboy was squashed by the size of my head. Not unlike my pillows. Anyway, I was happy to see Garth Brooks on TV again.

I recently asked what the word ‘whinge’ meant and found it means ‘to whine’. Thank you for checking Bob. Now I have a more acceptable adjective to use when describing my ex-girlfriend. I can use ‘whingey’ instead of a word that rhymes with ‘pilthy’ or ‘mitchy’.

I also received a response to my solicitation for someone to pay me to write something. I don’t know exactly what a penthouse letter is but I’m willing to try and write one. They said that I have to write a story about a situation involving sorority girls, a pizza delivery guy and a mule.

I’ll write more tomorrow because I know all of the fans I don’t have aren’t salivating to read more.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Meanwhile Rick James by Cake off of the album Comfort Eagle. I love Cake. “We can tell Joel! I mean look at you!” I’m talking about the band, jackass. I saw them play the Diamond a long time ago. It was one of the best shows I’ve seen. I got to meet the band. They were really awesome. That’s all I got about that.

MOVIE - Citizen Cane. I’m not going to write anything explaining why I recommend this. I’m not even going to write anything explaining why I won’t explain it because if I have to explain it, any explanation I would have to give you isn’t going to make you any smarter than you already aren’t. Just watch it.

MORNING AFTERNOON DJ WHO IS STALKING ME - Phil from Phil and Drew on KISS FM. I saw him two weeks ago at The Loony Bin then I sat near him at the Hornets game last week and finally, I saw him last night at SKKY bar. Sure, he was at all of those places before I arrived, but still. Stop stalking me Phillip K. Afternoon! Ya hear me?!

Holla.

- Joel

Wow.

Yesterday’s post sucked. I apologize for that. I was pretty wiped out from all of that not jogging I do.

Thanksgiving is almost here. It’s that special time of year where we spend a day with family and friends eating like an Ethiopian at a Golden Corral. I would have made a reference to some obese celebrity but I’m willing to bet that a starving kid can put the food away a whole lot faster than Delta Burke could ever hope to.

It’s also that time of year where someone in my office organizes some excuse to eat for free. It’s the time of the year when you have to decide what will be the least ‘pain in the ass’ thing to make to bring to the office for everyone to criticize when you’re not around. Speaking of which, I have to get a few things out of the way. The following will only apply to certain people, but it’s time these things were said.

If you think we like your lemon squares Helen, your damn wrong. Learn to make something else. We’re just being nice about the lemon squares because you’re in a wheelchair.

Janet, if you could please not tell the story we’ve all heard before of how your husband almost burned the house down trying to fry a turkey seven years ago, that would be much appreciated.

No one eats what you bring Carl because your coat is always covered in cat hair and you smell like Old Spice and pee.

Stephanie, if you sign up to bring a dessert, a dozen, day old, glazed donuts from Wal-Mart just isn’t gonna cut it.

Walter, for the love of all things holy, please do not wear that god awful ‘turkey wearing a pilgrim hat’ pin on your lapel this year. It’s not funny and no one cares that your wife made it. She hates you. That’s why she makes you wear that thing. It looks like a drunk Steve Buscemi only fatter and with feathers and it’s attached to your coat. Oh. I hate to add insult to injury, but Phil in accounting has been going out with your wife for three months.

Finally, most of us can believe that Christmas is just a few weeks away Lindsay. We all know you think it seems like just yesterday you were celebrating Thanksgiving last year. Yes. It has been a year already. Move on. We don’t need to hear you talk about it for an hour. Time flies. We get it.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get to some legitimate tales from my life. “You mean that none of that was real? You tricked us again Joel!” I never said it wasn’t real. Now is the part where you all try to decide if I’m really that big of a jerk or if maybe you’re that big of a jerk for laughing at something that is all too familiar where you work. That’s what I thought.

In all honesty, we really are having an all office shindig tomorrow where I work. An e-mail went out earlier in the week asking what everyone wanted to bring. Being the person that I am, I immediately volunteered to bring paper plates and silverware. I don’t want to make anything to bring to the people I work with for two reasons. The first reason being that in an office of about fifty people, I only like three of them. I’m not going to put forth the effort to cook something for the only three people that I like.

The second reason is that I can’t cook that well. I can cook if forced, not that I’ve ever been forced to cook something though. “Dammit! You cook me a meal worthy of a king or I swear I’ll shoot you right in the face!” The extent of complicated things I can cook begins and ends with omelettes. Even that’s a stretch. Wait. I take that back. I can cook spaghetti but pretty much anyone born without defective chromosomes can whip up some spaghetti.

Since tomorrow is the Thanksgiving soiree, and I got out of having to cook, I went to not Target tonight to buy plates and forks and other things I don’t have to worry about cleaning. I thought that for sure it wouldn’t be too much of a hassle. I thought wrong. Like that time I bought Crystal Pepsi stock.

I get to the paper plate aisle and, of course, some woman with her kid was blocking the side of the aisle I needed to get to so she could stand there and argue with her bratty son about the type of detergent she was going to buy. By the way, if your four year old son has a detergent preference, at that age, I’m pretty sure he’s gay or perhaps a girl. Just thought you’d like to know.

So this woman finally moves and I reach for the first stack of plates I see. Then I stop. Twelve plates cost four bucks? What the eff? Surely not. I look and they are all about the same price. There is no way in hell I was going to spend that much for some paper plates. I reach for the Sam’s Choice stack o’ plates which was like a thousand plates for a nickel. Then I thought about it. I don’t want to be ‘cheap plate guy’. People would talk about me for years. “Remember Joel who used to work here?” “Oh yeah. That guy who bought those cheap ass plates that year?” “That’s him. Cheap plate guy. If he hadn’t bought those cheap plates I would have never spilled my food and Judy would have never slipped on my turkey and fallen down those stairs to her death. I hate that guy. I’m glad he doesn’t work here anymore.”

When all was said and done I ended up spending about forty bucks on some nice paper plates just to possibly save someone’s life. If someone falls down some stairs to their death from slipping on turkey, it won’t be the fault of my trying to save some money by buying cheap plates. I refuse to be cheap plate guy.

That post was much better than yesterday’s. That’s more like the Joel you don’t know and kinda hate.

RIGHT NOW

Song - High by James Blunt off of the album ‘Back To Bedlam’. I know nothing about this artist other than that I heard the song on VH1 and downloaded the song right after I heard it. I love this song. It makes me want to matter.

Movie - Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. It’s one of the few movies that I’ve laughed and cried at. Wait. That’s not true. I’ve seen Catwoman.

POSSIBLE LUCRATIVE QUESTION - Does anyone know how one can get paid to write? Are you someone who wants to pay someone to write? Well it just so happens I like writing and I like getting paid. What more do you need? Make my week before Thanksgiving wish come true and hire me as a writer. Seriously. If anyone knows how to do that please let me know.

Holla.

- Joel

Hello.

I really wish I had some exciting tale about my day for you, but today was uneventful. It wasn’t good but it also wasn’t bad. It was as though purgatory manifested itself as today.

I really wish something had happened today to tell you about. What if something happens to me and I die tonight? This will be the last thing I’ve ever written. Had something happened to me last night, that would have been fine. Yesterday’s post was funny. I would have been fine with that.

Let me try to think of a funny story. Oh I got it. Here goes.

A long time ago I was living in a two bedroom apartment, by myself, because my previous roommate had threatened to kill me. That’s not the funny part. I’ll tell that story some other time. Anyway, I had been looking for a roommate for a while when I overheard a guy I had worked with mention he was looking for a place to live. I asked him if he wanted to move into my apartment and he said that would be cool.

Just wait, it gets funny. I promise.

So Jon signs a six month lease and moves in. I had worked with him for a year and knew he was a good guy so I wasn’t worried at all. At the very least he didn’t express an interest in wanting to kill me, and that’s always a bonus.

He had lived in the apartment with me for about three weeks. One night we were sitting on the couch watching TV when I noticed a necklace with a ring on it he was wearing. I had either never noticed it before or he had never had it on before. Either way, my unintentional obnoxious curiosity got the best of me, as it oft does, and I asked him about it. I asked him whose ring it was and he told me it was his fiancee’s. I had no knowledge of him having ever mentioned being engaged, but I have the attention span of a gnat on crack, or some other appropriate analogy, so perhaps he had told me that. That seemed like something I would have remembered though.

I ask Jon what happened with the engagement and he told me that they had broken up. I asked why, obnoxious curiosity again, and Jon said, “Because he moved to Dallas.” What? Did he just say ‘he’? I said, “You mean the guy who your fiancee cheated on you with moved to Dallas and she went with him?” At that time jumping to conclusions was one of my worst qualities. Not unlike how I am today but back then I was a lot happier and a lot lighter.

After a few minutes, with my un-answered question still hanging in the air like a fog of awkwardness, Jon took a deep breath and said, “There is something I have to tell you Joel. I’m gay.” Until that moment in my life I had never faced living with someone who was gay. It was the easiest thing in the world to deal with though. I weighed my options in about two seconds. “Should I tell Jon I’m kind of uncomfortable with this or get half off the bills? Gonna go with half off the bills.” He was kind of nervous about it and I told him it was cool. It was half off the bills after all.

We sat there in silence for a few more minutes watching TV and I finally asked him. “So you, uh, you don’t, uh, find, uh, well, me attractive do you?” Before I had even finished he said “Oh god no. Not at all. Jesus.” I was really relieved. That relief was short lived though.

I sat there for a few minutes wondering why Jon was so non-apprehensively adamant about not finding me attractive. I wasn’t bad looking at the time. I mean I didn’t look like Shrek at the time, like I do now, so I guess I was ‘ok’ looking. I certainly felt I was good looking enough to have someone find me attractive. It was really getting to me. I finally turned to him and said “Now you know I’m not gay, but what the hell man. Why don’t you find me attractive?” Jon said, “Because you’re too nice a guy. I’d just end up hurting you.” That seemed like a fair enough answer. I guess.

I am glad that I lived with Jon because I learned that so much emphasis is placed on things that really don’t matter. When some of my other friends found out Jon was gay, they would ask how I could hang out with a gay guy. I would tell people that he was my friend before he was gay. I wish more people could see things that way.

Someone is my friend before they’re black or gay or Republican or whatever. It’s just so inconsequential. I will love my friends and family for who they are, not what they are. That’s not always easy but it is the only way to truly get along with people.

That’s the best story you’re getting out of me today. Sorry kiddos.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Poison by Bell Biv Devoe. I swear to you I am listening to Poison by Bell Biv Devoe right now. By choice. A friend of mine let me borrow the album so it’s now on my computer. I love that song. It makes me long for the days of the helpful rapper. BBD just wanted to help. “Never trust a big butt and a smile.” That advice has saved me on many occasions. Well not really but I appreciate their message. Thanks BBD!

MOVIE - Donnie Darko - It’s the second best movie Patrick Swayze has been in. The first? Black Dog of course. How could you even ask?

THING I’D BETTER DO TOMORROW - Do something blog-worthy.

Holla.

- Joel

Wow. Consistency is not my strong suit, but here we are again. I promised myself, and the four people who read this, that I would write daily through the end of the year. After that you’ll just have to make yourself laugh. I’m tired of doing it. It’s a lot of pressure to make four people laugh. Speaking of which……..

My partner and I are in talks to do a pretty high profile comedy show within the next month. I found out today that we need to be super clean with our acts. It’s not like we’re filthy or anything. However, when I went over my material, I got the same feeling you get when you are around your parents or some children and catch yourself about to curse and only then do you realize how much you really do curse. That feeling. Jeez I’ve got a lot of cleaning up to do.

To be clean with my act I’ll have to change the way I refer to people. Instead of referring to my ex-girlfriend as I do in my act now, I’ll have to instead call her a non-clean harlot who fornicates with many individuals in exchange for the correct denomination native to her locale at the time of said transaction, without my knowledge. I’ll have to refer to the president as a knowledge deficient offspring of a female dog. I’ll have to refer to Toby Keith as a non-thin portion of canus excrement. Stop there? You get it? Ok.

I just watched Garth Brooks perform on the CMA’s. Only in New York City could Garth effing Brooks be performing in Times Square and the roads are still open. “What the heck is going on up there? Is that Garth Brooks? Dammit! I better be able to get through. I got stuff to do. I’m a New Yorker! I do not have time for this. Jeez. I have important New York things to do! I have Woody Allen movies to be in and people to mug! Damn you Garth Brooks! Oh. The roads are open? Never mind. Press on Abdullah!” Because Abdullah is the best stereotypical cab driver name I could think of. Yeah. Ok.

I ate at Long John Silver’s yesterday. It seems to be a semi-annual visit I take to remind myself of why I hate it. Kind of like the meal equivalent of listening to a Britney Spears song every six months. “Oh yeah. This is why I don’t listen to her music. I had forgotten until just now when I made myself sick to my stomach.”

I’ve noticed recently that I have had some comments from some readers in Australia. I love the idea of moving there because it’s not here and no one there knows what a big moron I am. Until that last part. Damn. I would love to find out more about Australia from people that live there. It seems as though I am beginning to be appreciated in a country that isn’t my own. Not unlike Bill Hicks, Eddie Izzard and David Hasslehoff. That’s pretty good company. Anyhow, here are some questions I would like answered.

What do you think of our president? Please answer honestly. Then again you might be afraid our government might stumble across your answers and then decide to wage war on Australia. You laugh but it wouldn’t surprise me.

Do women there like schlubby white guys with no talent other than writing and cracking jokes? An Australian accent is super hot.

What is the deal with Beautiful Agony? Esquire did a story on it this month and it is, uh, interesting. Is that a big deal down there?

Do you hate all the Crocodile Dundee jokes stupid ass Americans make when they are down there? If American tourists quoting lines from Crocodile Dundee is as rampant down there as I fear, I give you full permission, as an American, to slap any American that you see who thinks they are being clever when they say “Put another shrimp on the barbie!” Just do it.

What does ‘whinge’ mean? I noticed on an Australian blog I read the other day. I want to import that word and work it into my vernacular but am awaiting a definition.

That’s about it for now my Australian friends. I truly do like you guys and, nothing against America, but if I could live anywhere other than the United States I would want to live in Australia. Besides, I want to die in a cool way and from what I’ve found on the internet, if I move to Australia, my chances of getting eaten by a Great White Shark are increased by ten fold.

Well I know it’s short and semi-sweet, like a slightly bitchy midget, but I have to get to cleaning up my act. Literally! YOWZA!

RIGHT NOW

Song - Old School Rules from the album The Mouse and the Mask by Dangerdoom. I’m telling you that this album is dope. Like really dope. Like the dopest thing ever. Don’t get confused though. I said ‘dopest’ not ‘dopiest’ or Deppest’. I wasn’t talking about George Bush or the guy from 21 Jump Street. That was so stupid.

Movie - The Jerk - One of Steve Martin’s funniest movies. “What about Cheaper by the Dozen?” You heard me. Well not really but you get the point. I hope.

Funniest Woman Named Sarah Silverman - Sarah Silverman. This woman is unbelievably funny and hot as well. If you want to see a trailer for her movie, Google ‘Jesus Is Magic’. I would have put a link on here but I don’t want to be responsible for getting someone fired.

Holla.

- Joel

I really wish I hadn’t agreed to make a fake pact that I would write something everyday through the end of the year. It makes me realize I don’t do much at all. Damn.

I hate being in a bad mood, and I hate to spread it around, but here goes. It might not help you but it will make me feel a whole lot better. Kind of like when you punch a hobo. What’s that? Not everyone punches hoboes? Wow. Something new everyday I guess.

So I was at not Target yesterday and I was thinking about how wonderful it would be if there was one day out of the year where no children were allowed anywhere I need to go. When I go into a store, I know what I need, I go get it and want to get out of there in the shortest amount of time possible. This becomes increasingly difficult when there are kids anywhere around. They run into me or bump into me or won’t move and I politely say excuse me and then I get the ol’ stink eye from their mom. Yep. I’m clearly in the wrong. I can totally see how if I was shouting at my mom about wanting cookies and someone was trying to get past, it’s their fault. I suppose I should just let it go that some kid ran right in front of me and knocked some stuff over or ran into me. I don’t get mad I just marvel at how these kid’s parents feel that it’s everyone else’s responsibility their kid is acting like a cracked out dwarf.

Just give those of us who are lucky enough to not have children yet a day to shop in peace.Just one. That’s all I want. I swear I would shop like some sort of survivalist militia freak and stock up with enough food and supplies for 364 days until the next kids-free shopping day came around.

“You must think it’s so easy Joel. You obviously don’t have kids otherwise you wouldn’t make such an absurd proposal. You must really hate children.” I don’t hate children at all. I can’t wait to be a dad. I’m just throwing it out there is all. Calm down.

While we’re talking about shopping, let me go ahead and throw something else out there. Women, most guys HATE shopping. We don’t care. At all. This seems obvious but guys still do it. When I was with Satan (Amber) I would go shopping with her all the time. Why? Because I loved her. However it got to the point where I just couldn’t make myself act like I cared. One too many trips to Wet Seal or The Buckle is what did me in. She thought I was so mean for not wanting to go shopping with her. I guess since she had no friends I was kind of forced to go. I guess I just couldn’t handle the pressure of it all. “Do I look good in this?” Sure? What’s the answer that will guarantee we won’t get in a fight? That’s the one I want to give.

Besides, if she looked bad in something it’s not like I could say “That shirt makes you look like a whore.” because it would hurt her feelings, even it was the truth. I don’t want to be forced to hurt people’s feelings.

She would tell me that she just wanted to wear clothes that I would like. Ok. First, guys don’t care what you wear. If we like you, we don’t care what you’re wearing. I prefer a woman in a hooded sweatshirt and jeans than some women who is dressing like Paris Hilton. It denotes a sense of self confidence.

Don’t get me wrong and assume I think a girl isn’t pretty when dressed up. I just think women dress up for each other. Whenever a woman is dressed up she wants to make sure she looks better than any other woman who might be wherever it is she is going. Don’t believe me? The next time you go to a club pay close attention to the way women size each other up. It’s both sad and hilarious. It’s sadlarious.

I don’t know why women try so hard. I truly believe that any woman could pretty much get any guy she wants. That don’t work the same for the brothas though. We have to be rich and good looking and interesting and dress well. Not unlike when women dress up to ‘one-up’ other women, they also have to have a man that will make her friends jealous. I would venture to say there is more pressure on men than women when it comes to dating.

I dunno where that came from. Oh wait. Yeah I do. I’m a huge loser. That’s where that came from.

I am sorry about all the negativity. I had a bad day at work. It was one of those days that makes you want to jump out the window. One of those days that makes you wonder how you got in the situation you’re in. One of those days where you replay every bad mistake you’ve ever made that got you in the spot you’re in. So just another Monday for me.

If anyone knows someone who wants to hire a writer let them know I’m available. I’ll write about whatever you want me to. Seriously. I’ll even write a biography of Toby Keith at this point. I just need enough money to be able quit my job and be entertaining. That’s all. It won’t cost you much. How much? Well how much do you have? I’m reasonable.

I really need to quit my job before I turn into everything I hate. I’m afraid I’m already half way there. The only thing missing is a wife who cheats on me and a kid who resents me the way I resent my own father.

Alright, since I am going to write everyday I’ll go ahead and write about the days news events. “What’s that Joel? Are you done complaining now? Are you done pissing us off with your mundane life?” Yeah. For now.

George W. Bush’s approval rating is at an all time low. It’s at 36. That’s double his IQ.

Wrestling star Eddie Guerrero was found dead in his hotel room today. It is wrestling though so he’s probably fake dead.

Yankee Alex Rodriguez was named American League MVP today. Now maybe he can start making some real money.

I don’t have much more to write right now. What’s happened to me? I used to be pretty funny but now all I can do is this. I’m losing my comedic powers. Now I know how Carrot Top feels.

RIGHT NOW

Song - The Mask by Danger Doom off the album The Mouse and the Mask. This is by far one of the best hip-hop albums of all time. Yes. Even better than Twelve Inches of Snow.

Movie - Spaceballs. That recommendation will only be funny for the right reasons to one person on the planet. Not unlike the movie itself.

Funniest Thing I Heard A Transient Say Today - As he approached two women a haggard transient said, “Hey ladies a good friend of mine is going to performing here in a couple of weeks. Jon Bon Jovi. You should check out his album. It’s really good.” I think the guy was Ron Bon Jovi, Jon’s lesser known brother. When Jon took up the guitar, Ron took up the accordion and the rest is history. Also, how is it that a bum, has better game than I do. I mean the guy was probably sauced out of his mind but he was still hitting on two women. Wow.

- Joel

Hello.

I know that it has been over a week since I’ve written anything. I just want to tell all my adoring fan that they can finally stop keeping vigil over their computer waiting for my wise cracking ways. By ‘wise cracking’ I mean pointless.

I am now driving a new car. Well it’s new to me. Now I know that isn’t that big of a deal to you, because you’re not me, but it is a HUGE deal for me. Trust me. For the past three years I have driven a 1989 Volkswagen FOX. The knob on the stick shift broke off so it was like shifting gears with a magic marker. I also got in an accident last year so the front end was all bent up. The door behind the drivers side was broken and could not be opened. It did have a cassette deck though so that was pimp. That last line was a joke. I am so glad that car is gone. That car was like having an ugly girlfriend. Sure it gets the job done, but no one wants to looks at it, let alone ride in it.

I am now driving a Honda Accord. It’s used but it drives like a champ. It doesn’t shake violently when it goes above sixty. People don’t throw things at me and yell ‘unclean’ when I’m driving down the street in it. When I told my friend Thomas that I had gotten a new car he said “Good. Now it won’t look like you’re wearing your car.” That’s damn funny and you know it! Don’t argue with me!

With every good thing in my life there is always a catch though. The car has some hail damage. It’s pretty bad but I really don’t care. The best joke about that is credited to my friend Adam. He said “It looks like you’ve been picking up golf balls on a driving range.” If you don’t like that reference, here’s a good one. My car has so much hail damage on it you would think it was the back of my ex-girlfriend’s leg. ZING!

I went into a window tint place today to see how much it cost to get the windows tinted on my car. As I was talking to the guy his phone rang and his ring tone was that god awful Toby Keith ‘boot in your ass’ song. At that moment I decided I couldn’t give him my business. I don’t really have anything personal against Toby Keith. I’ve never met him. I yelled at him at the Mont once but that’s it. However, I also haven’t met Hitler but I wouldn’t give some guy my business who had Zieg Heil on his phone as a ring tone.

The car’s radio does not work either which really isn’t as bad as you would think it might be. On my way to work, because I can’t listen to morning radio wackiness, I just pretend I have my own morning show. I spend the half hour drive to work laughing at my own jokes, talking bad about other morning show teams, and playing the same Britney Spears song in my head on a loop. Sometimes I will give myself a prize if I am the ninth caller. I never am though. The line is always busy when I call myself. It’s really not too different than most morning radio shows only it’s much funnier and I don’t want to punch anything.

Speaking of low level celebrity, I sat right across from either Phil or Drew from KISS FM’s afternoon show at the Hornets game the other night. I can’t tell which one it was but I’m sure it was the one who isn’t very funny but laughs all the time. So really it could have been either of them. Apparently having a sub-par afternoon drive time show in the city netted him some pretty sweet thirteen dollar tickets. Whoa! Watch out everyone! Celebrity coming through!

“Why are you so hateful Joel? You don’t even know him. He could be very funny.” Maybe, I mean a lot of people are good at hiding things.

Now Dana has another reason to hate me. You’re welcome.

I’m on this tuna kick right now. It’s all I’ve been eating in an attempt to lose weight. A friend of mine said to be careful because tuna has a lot of mercury in it. I don’t know if this has anything to do with the mercury I’ve been inadvertently consuming but I now have the ability to tell the temperature without even looking at anything. For instance right now it’s 66 degrees. I have no idea how I know that! It’s like due to mass mercury consumption I have become the lamest super hero ever! 67 degrees. See! Dammit! This super power sucks.

I have done a lot in the past week that I will talk about tomorrow. I promise that until the end of the year I will post everyday. That way all of you who weren’t worried can be annoyed.

I really am sorry this is short and crappy.

RIGHT NOW

Song - For Once In My Life by Stevie Wonder. I can’t wait until this song means more to me than it does.

Movie - Tron. It’s like the Matrix but with way less Keanu.

Worst Blog Entry to Date - This one.

66 degrees.

- Joel

Good day all.

So let’s get right into another pun filled adventure with Joel, the guy you hate to love.

Whenever anyone tries to tell a story about their friends there’s a fifty-fifty chance it’s gonna suck. “Oh man and then Rick got up on the bar and it was uh……..well you had to be there.” If I had to be there, and you know I wasn’t, rethink whether or not you want to make yourself look stupid. I only say this because I am the king of ‘had to be there’ stories, so I know how it feels to be that guy.

The time my friends and I saw Eminem at a bar or the time I saw my friend make his Cadillac fly or the time a gorgeous sports model asked my friend and I to take her home or the time I had to chase a friend of mine through a parking lot at four in the morning because he decided to crawl out the window of the car at the drive-thru at a McDonalds after he had decided to drop two hits of acid before going off to the military are all really good stories. The story about the time a friend of mine and I sang karaoke to a girl is not a good story. Unfortunately I seem to have a lot more of those than I’d like. It’s a story that means nothing but to those people who were there. I hate being the ‘had to be there’ story guy. I’ll try to share one of my good stories with you now.

“We don’t give a crap Joel! Your whole life is a ‘had to be there’ story only no one wants to be there! That’s probably why you woke up alone, again, only to spend your morning writing on the laptop you have hooked up in the storm cellar you live in. Look, every time we accidentally stumble upon your blog we expect so much more. Perhaps some uneducated rant about god knows what or something about your kids. Those things make us happy because they are meaningless.” Well I’m sorry. I like to pretend that what I write for free is actually read by people who might like something more out of life than yelling and breeding. “Oh. Well then by all means, tell us your lame story.” I’m trying. “Well go ahead.” Ok. “Fine.” Good.

A few years ago, on St. Patricks’s day, a bunch of friends of mine made our annual trek to O’Connells in Norman for a day of watered down green beer consumption and looking at girls that we would never talk to. Oh, and Vanilla Ice. I’m a huge Vanilla Ice fan. Ok, I’m not so much a fan of Vanilla Ice as much as I am a fan of crappy things. If you doubt me, just know that I own both From Justin to Kelly and Sideout on DVD. See. I told you I liked crappy things.

My friends and I had been down there all day, and most of us were pretty drunk. It was almost nine at night and my friend Adam was hammered, and said he needed to go take a nap. He had parked right across the street from O’Connnells and said he was going to sleep in his car for about half an hour. I think we all knew he was gonna be passed out for the rest of the night so we let him go.

About twenty minutes after Adam’s departure, my friend Jason introduced me to a friend of his who was a police officer. His name was Steven. Actually it was something totally different than Steven but I don’t want to get him in trouble. Being the good friend that I am, and one who only seems to seize the opportunities that need not be seized, I asked Steven if he ever messed with people. He said he loved to do that. I told him where Adam was parked and that I wanted him to give Adam a drunk test. He said he had to go get his huge cop flashlight out of his truck, but other than that he was ready to go. He actually seemed more excited about it than I was.

Now I know this may not seem all that funny but Adam had just gotten his car back. He had a really nice Acura that had been stolen twice in less than a month. Because he had just gotten his car back he was really careful with it. He treated it like an overprotective mother of a child who had their child kidnapped and returned. Twice.

So Steven returns with his huge cop flashlight and my friend B-Mack and I walk over with him and show him where Adam is parked. Adam is passed out in the driver side of the car. B-Mack and I hide behind a car near Adam’s so he can’t see us. Steven makes his way over to the car and bangs on the window and shines the flashlight right in Adam’s face. He asks Adam to step out of the car. Adam gets out and stumbles right into the car next to his. At this point Adam had no idea what was going on because Steven wasn’t in uniform. He could have just been some crazy guy with a flashlight. That ought to tell you how messed up Adam was. Steven shows him his badge, shining the light in Adam’s face almost the entire time, and asks for his license. He tells Adam that he is part of an undercover police department sting operation to help crack down on drunk driving.

Steven proceeds to give Adam a DUI field test. He made Adam do the whole thing. He had Adam walk the line, touch his nose and numerous other things that usually precede a trip to jail. During the whole process Adam could barely stand up. He kept swaying and Steven kept asking him why he wasn’t able to stand still. Adam kept apologizing and calling him sir. You could see the fear on Adam’s face from a mile away.

After about ten minutes Steven tells Adam that he believes he is drunk and asks him to turn around and place his hands on his head. Adam does and Steven says “Also, you have two friends behind that car over there who got me to come over here and do this.” I thought Adam would be pissed. It turned out that Adam wasn’t angry at all. He said he was just glad he wasn’t going to jail and that he got to keep his car. I laughed so hard at that. You had to be there.

“You tricked us again Joel! Your word tomfoolery is infuriating! I just pray you don’t talk about the president otherwise I’ll have to throw something!” Well get your throwing arm ready.

Right now our so-called leader is in Argentina where the Summit of the Americas is taking place. Thousands of protestors showed up to voice their dislike for Bush. They went as far to call him a fascist and a terrorist. I guess I find it disappointing that people in a country he doesn’t even ‘lead’ are more passionate with their dislike for him than we are. Hopefully this CIA thing will prove to everyone what a loser this guy is and how harmful this administration is for everyone in this country.

When commenting on the summit Bush said, “It’s not easy to host all these countries, particularly not easy to host, perhaps, me.” Other countries probably look at Bush like the guy at the party no one wanted to invite but had to be invited because he is going out with someone who you’re really good friends with and you don’t want to hurt your friends feelings. The type of guy who ends up putting his fist through a wall because he can’t handle his alcohol. The type of guy your friend just can’t seem to break up with. “When he’s not hitting me in a drunken rage, he’s a really nice guy. You just need to get to know him. You don’t know him like I do.” Yeah. Right now the world looks at America as that guy. Nobody likes that guy.

I asked a good friend of mine yesterday, whose opinion I respect but disagree with, why he voted for Bush. He said that he voted for Bush because of his stance on two things, abortion and gay marriage. He said he liked that Bush was pro-life. Y’know it’s only pro-life if you’re one hundred percent on it. I don’t think the president gets that being pro-life means after someone is born too. You can’t be pro-life and then hold the record for most capital murders. You can’t be pro-life and be responsible for the deaths of our soldiers and thousands of people in a country we’re ‘liberating’. You can however say you’re pro-life to get the moral majority on your side.

I’m not going to go into gay marriage again because I don’t want to instigate Aman. With a name like that he may very well be strapping a one-time use vest to himself just to make a point.

“Anything else you want to go over again to waste our time, Joel?” Nope. That ought to do it for today.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - My Doorbell off of Get Behind Me Satan by The White Stripes. I have had this song on an endless loop in my head for two straight days.

MOVIE - Raiders of the Lost Ark. I love this movie. I have a little fun fact related to that movie. The same golden idol used in the beginning of Raiders also appeared in the Jim Carrey movie The Majestic. In the movie within a movie, Bruce Campbell is reaching for the same exact idol. I have way to much useless information in my head. I wonder if somewhere in my brain lies the cure for cancer but it’s buried underneath useless movie trivia. Oh well.

SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH OF THE CENTURY - It has been recently proven by scientists that tipping a cow is physically impossible. I guess that is more important than curing AIDS or cancer. Thanks scientists!

Holla.

-Joel

Hello.

I know it’s been a couple of days since I’ve written. Perhaps some of you are on pins and needles waiting to find out what adventures I’ve been on. Well the wait is over! I know! I’m not very excited about it either so I can only imagine the hell that you’re going through reading this. Wait. Let me re-read what I just wrote. Wow. That’s brutally boring. I promise it will get a little better. Maybe not a whole lot better but at least marginally better than the first few lines I just wrote.

So Tuesday night I went to the Hornets game. Now I’m not that big of a sports fan. “But Joel, you seem like such a manly dude what with your whining about women and the president all the time. From what I can tell you don’t do anything that’s stereotypical of being a male. I bet you’ve never even been hunting have you? You pansy.” You shut up invisible instigator!

As I was saying before I was interrupted by my own dementia, I’m not that big of a sports fan. I was kind of looking forward to going to the game because I was going with my friend Chad and his girlfriend Angela. I really like them a lot so I knew I would have fun even if I wasn’t totally into seeing a game. It turned out I had more fun than I had anticipated. I was really into the game and enjoyed myself quite a bit. I highly recommend you try to go.

Now I know a lot of NBA teams have celebrities at their games. The Lakers have Jack Nicholson. The Knicks have Spike Lee. Turns out Oklahoma is not at a loss for celebrities either. I saw Gary England, Moe from 94.7 The Buzz and an Ogle! A real live Ogle! It was the Ogle who has the ‘My Two Cents’ piece on News Nine. I thought it would be funny to pelt him with pennies. When I did that all he did was turn around and beat me severely. Trust me when I say there is nothing more painful than a beating from an Ogle. They aren’t human I tell you. They’re like some sort of super race of local news anchor warriors or something.

Gary England was busy signing autographs when I saw him. That guy is like the Tom Cruise of local weather only he’s not a Scientologist. That would be cool if he was. He could be the only Scienetologist Meteorologist in the nation. I would have said the only one in the entire world but Scientologist Meteorologists are a dime a dozen in Uruguay. No, really.

I saw Moe from 94.7 The Buzz standing by the t-shirt booth looking annoyed. I can only imagine the plethora of things he may have been annoyed about. I won’t speculate though because I don’t need to be added to the list of things that might make him have a heart attack. He has enough of those as it is.

The Hornets game was well worth it and I really would like to see them stay here. It beats the hell out of college football. Than again, few things don’t.

Here’s a side note to the Hornets game. “Enough Joel! We hate you! For the love of God stop writing!” No. I won’t do it. Anyhow I was sitting in my chair when a very attractive blonde girl sat next to me. She came to the game with a friend of hers. Her name was Brandy. “Did you find that out from asking her?! You mean you talked to a girl?! Oh sweet day!” No. I actually heard her friend introduce her to someone. She seemed really nice but I just couldn’t talk to her. Maybe it was my dope new hair cut or my crappy clothes. I dunno. She seemed like a very nice person. Just thought I’d let you all know I’m still a loser. “We all know that you’re loser because we all know hell hasn’t frozen over.” Ouch. That was mean. You should be nicer, me.

Speaking of being a loser………

I went to the dentist yesterday and had to have a root canal started on a tooth on the bottom left side of my mouth. That was a lot of not fun. As I was leaving, the receptionist said that I had some money left on my insurance so they could do some more work that needed to be done. The only problem was that I had to wait a couple of hours because they were going to fit me in between previously scheduled appointments with other patients. I left to go kill some time. I drove over to Penn Square to walk around and see what crazy adventures awaited at the mall! Turns out no adventures at all. I did notice that Spencer’s is like Sharper Image only with a lot more things shaped like pot leaves and way less class. At least I know where I can get a ‘Who Farted?’ t-shirt or some boob shaped salt and pepper shakers. I don’t know why Sharper Image started carrying those things. The classic switcheroo joke! HA-HA! In your face invisible blog buddy!

On with the boring tale.

As I was leaving the mall,about to head back over to the dentist’s office, I realized that I should probably get something to eat before they worked on the opposite side of my mouth. I was going to go to Pepperoni Grill because I adore their eggplant parmesan. Sorry. I sounded like a fashion guru for a second there. I park my car and as I am getting out, my left foot hits something that someone had spilled right next to where I parked. I slipped on it but my right leg was still in the car. I did some sort of weird pseudo-split maneuver, then I heard a rip. I looked down and there was a huge rip right in the crotch of my jeans. The only thing I could say was “What the buck?!” That’s not what I meant to say, but it sounded like that because the left side of my mouth was still numb from my trip to the dentist.

I got in the car and drove back to the dentist’s office. When I walked into the dentist’s office I was holding a jacket in front of the newly ripped area. Nothing was exposed, but it was pretty embarrassing. No one wants to see my flannel boxers. Not only that, I’m sure no one wants to read about them. You’re welcome.

The receptionist asked what happened, and when I told her, she laughed hysterically. She went to the back and told my dentist, who came to the waiting area, looked at me, pointed, and started laughing. That’s always comforting.

After I got the additional dental work done,I was supposed to go meet with Larry, the owner of The Loony Bin. I didn’t want to show up to talk to him with pants that had a rip in them, so I trekked over to Ross. “Wow. Ross huh? You’re pretty classy Joel.” I went to Ross because I’m not going to go to Old Navy or The Gap with a huge rip in my pants. I’m hard to look at as it is,without the added benefit of a huge rip in the crotch of my pants. Besides that, since I shaved my head, I’ve been told I look like a mean rapist, so a hole in the crotch of my pants probably wouldn’t do a lot to help dissuade that opinion people may have of me. However at Ross, that look is par for the course so I really wasn’t worried about there being an increase in the awkward stares people give me as it is.

I almost bought a pair of jeans that had a silk screened logo of Tupac’s face on the left leg. I’m sure that’s how he wanted to be remembered. “Yo guys I gots sumpin serious to be talkin’ bout. You guys gots to promise’ me that if I ever gets killed, please honor me by puttin’ my face on the leg of some jeans yo. That’s how I gots to be remembered.”

So I bought new pants but still had the now infamous crotch-hole pants on and had to make the meeting with Larry. I couldn’t change my pants in the parking lot because I’m not a complete tool. I got in my car and pulled into the nearest McDonalds and went into the bathroom to change my pants. The entire time I’m changing my pants in a McDonald’s bathroom I’m thinking “I am the biggest piece of white trash ever.” If there was ever a reason to kill myself, that would be a pretty good one. “We can think of plenty more Joel. For instance, making us read about your damn pants!” Well I’m the one lucky enough to tell my tale through a blog that I get paid nothing to write. Take that!

Enough about pants and teeth. Let me tell you a story. “For the love of all things holy! Please don’t go into a story that I’m sure none of us care about.” I’ve had enough of your bad attitude, person I’ve made up! You shut your damn hole or I’ll unleash the wrath of a thousand Ogles upon you!

The story of how I got a cop to make my friend believe he was going to get arrested will have to wait until tomorrow. I’m kind of like an out of shape and poor version of Ashton Kutcher, only instead of ‘punking’ my celebrity friends, I play occasional practical jokes on my non-celebrity friends. Oh I know I suck. You’re preaching to the choir my friend.

I bet you can totally wait for my next riveting tale of ludicrous humor!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Triple Trouble by The Beastie Boys. I love them. I have a huge tour poster they put out for the European tour they did when their Hello Nasty! album came out. It is a goal of mine to get that framed. What? Well of course I have other goals. You have to start small though.

MOVIE - Empire Strikes Back. I’m on a Star Wars kick right now for some reason. Oh yeah, I’m a fat dope who doesn’t have a girlfriend. I guess recommending a Star Wars movie is about as natural as me crying myself to sleep every night. I should probably spend that time jogging.

DRINK I COULD GO FOR RIGHT NOW - A swirl from The Mont in Norman. That sounds really good. That’s it. No joke or anything about that.

A HORNET JOKE I JUST MADE UP - What would you use to catch my ex-girlfriend with? An Oklahoma City Whore-Net. Get it! I made the word have a different meaning than it’s intention. Man I’m stupid.

Holla.

-Joel