Good morning all.
I received thirty comments when it came to something I’d written about religion. I received almost as many comments awhile back when I trashed our very trash worthy commander- in- chief. I ask about relationships and didn’t get near as much feedback. As someone had pointed out, it appears people feel they are more educated to talk about religion and politics than relationships. I’m not sure what that says about us as a species. I’m pretty sure it’s not a good sign though.
Someone asked what is most important in a relationship to me. That has been asked of me, well, never, so here goes……………..
1. Trust. I have never been able to trust anyone I’ve seriously dated. At the time it may have seemed like trust but really it was just carefully executed manipulation of my feelings used by someone as a free pass to practice infidelity like it was a religion.
I know how much that may have sounded like an excerpt from a diary written by a scorned sixteen year old girl who had just broken up with her first boyfriend. Maybe the kind of entry written while she listened to Skinny Puppy and contemplated going up to the Hot Topic where her boyfriend worked and telling him what she really thought of him but instead she decided to dabble in a short lived lesbian relationship with her best friend Ruth which would later lead to her being even more ashamed of herself for having shown love to any one at all.
I’ll stop.
I think trust is the most important aspect of a relationship because above all else I should not have to question whether or not the person I’m with is really out shopping, like she says, and not doing Jell-O shots off of some Latin dude named Enrique at some nightclub somewhere.
2. Honesty. I don’t think you can trust someone who is dishonest. Everyone has trusted a liar though. Don’t believe me? Who is the president again? Ok. That’s what I thought. I guess I just don’t understand dishonesty. If you don’t like me, tell me. If you want to see someone else, go ahead. It will hurt and I’ll move on, but just be honest with me. Why go through all the trouble of lying to me? There’s no need to cheat. I feel pretty strongly about this.
When I was younger, someone who I am very close to got cheated on at least twice that she knew of. I was also quite close to her husband. They had a couple of kids together and I thought everything was fine between them. I ended up finding out from her that he had cheated on her and it completely obliterated any respect I had for her husband. In my eyes he had become one of the most loathsome creatures on the planet. To this day I haven’t spoken to him and am glad for that. As a result I have a zero tolerance policy for cheating. I have never cheated on anyone I’ve dated, nor will I.
This leads me to something else. Why does anyone put up with that? Have some self- respect. Someone can only get away with what you let them get away with. Just lock your girlfriend in the basement like I do. I’m kidding. I just wanted to make sure you were still paying attention.
Just break up with the person you’re with. “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.” Then don’t bang someone else for crying out loud! If you cared at all for that person you wouldn’t have cheated to begin with.
I’ve been cheated on and I wasn’t angry when I found out. I was hurt because I just didn’t know what I had done to make the person I was with think they couldn’t be honest with me. Just break up. It really is that easy. People do it all the time. I did.
As far as little things go though, I think it’s alright to be a tad dishonest if it will make the person you love feel a little better. My ex-girlfriend had cancer when she was younger so as she got older she kept having all sorts of medical problems. At one point they put her on steroids which made her face puff up like crazy. She was already self conscious about the way she looked. She had a pretty low self esteem as it was which I’m sure is why she was with me to begin with. She was crying one day and she asked if I thought she looked that different because people she worked with were calling her fat. I told her she was beautiful and couldn’t see any difference in her face because I thought she was beautiful no matter what she looked like. The last part was true. She looked like a blowfish with eyes but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and I really did think she was beautiful, because I loved her. In retrospect I probably should have told her they needed to put handles on the side of her head so little kids could ride her like one of those huge bouncy ball things. I remained honest in my feelings so maybe it really wasn’t dishonesty. I just think there is a huge difference in telling someone you think their god awful art class project really is good or that they aren’t fat as opposed to lying about nailing some sorority girl you picked up at a club.
3. Sense of humor. In my vast dating experience(three people) only one of those girls ‘got’ me. Basically only one girl thought I was funny. That is really hard to deal with if the only good quality you have is a sense of humor. Amber, the blowfish face girl, told me I wasn’t funny at all. In the three years we dated the only time she laughed at me was the very first time I was on stage doing comedy. I came to find out later that she wasn’t really laughing at me, she just didn’t want to look stupid in front of my friends, who were honestly laughing.
I want a girl who is funny enough to take a joke but at the same time be able to crack one too. Funny women are hard to find. I have only met four women that can make me laugh and three of them are married. The other one I dated long ago so maybe she’s not funny anymore. I doubt it though.
4. Something in common. Amber and I had Dave Matthews in common and, well, that’s about it. We were at odds on everything else. I couldn’t talk with her about anything. Probably because the only thing she wanted to talk about was money and how to get money.
I think you have to be able to talk to the person you’re with because looks will fade. We are all one fiery car crash away from being hideous and if the person who says they love you can’t look beyond that than you’re in trouble.
I guess that’s pretty much it. I’m sure there are more things but when it comes down to it that is what’s most important. Anyone can have a certain job or look a certain way but in the end there are much more important things. There is something to be said for just being able to know that if something happens there will always be someone there for you who accepts you for who you are and not how much money you have or what kind of car you drive or how you look. That is something I’ve experienced only once in my life and feel that it will never happen again. That’s fine because at least I’ve experienced it even if only for a short time.
In case anyone was wondering, it’s probably not a good idea to try to be poignant and witty while listening to the Garden State soundtrack. Just letting you know.
Let’s change the music and see if that changed the mood……hang on. I’ll just randomly scroll through iTunes with my eyes closed. What?! Nick Drake’s Could’ve Been! Let’s try again…..Maroon 5’s Sweetest Goodbye! What the hell is going on?! This isn’t working. Dr. Dre it is. There we go. It’s like listening to songs about my life. I’m hardocre yo. I’ve killed some mofoes for disrespectin’ me and not wreck-ug-nizin who I be.
This is much better. Time to be funny!
So George Takei, who played Sulu on Star Trek, recently announced he’s gay. Cheryl Swoopes of the WNBA also announced that she was gay. Wow. I’m not upset they are gay because I don’t care. I’m just upset I have to hear about Star Trek and the WNBA in one week. It’s kind of rare I hear about two things I couldn’t care less about in less than a week. I think they should be more embarrassed by their career choices.
So I’m going to wrap this up because I don’t want to bore you. “Too late.” Sorry.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Dancing Queen by Abba. In honor of George Takei. In case you don’t know who that is, here’s a picture.
I couldn’t believe it when I found out he was gay either.
ALBUM - Z by My Morning Jacket. It was mentioned in Esquire this month and it is really good. It’s a lot like the Flaming Lips.
MOVIE - Catwoman. It was HBO’s movie of the week last night. It’s bad. Like worse than I expected. This movie has, quite possibly the worst movie moment I’ve ever seen. I don’t want to ruin the laugh you’ll have but let’s just say it involves Halle Berry and some catnip. That’s right. Catnip. The funny thing is that someone wrote that scene and it was read by her and her agent and I’m sure a lot of studio heads and they all seemed to think it would be ok to put on film. Usually Halle Berry and pretty much anything is good but the scene with the catnip is way funnier than the ‘Make me feel good’ scene in Monster’s Ball.
PURCHASE OF THE DAY - I’m all about things smelling good. Yesterday I bought the Glade scented oil candles and it is by far the best thing I’ve bought in a while.
It’s time for me to prepare to come out of the closet now.
Holla.
-Joel