Greetings!
I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. None of you have written in asking where I’ve been so thank you for the concern. For all you know I could have been trapped in a well or something. Now I know who my fake, real friends are.
It looks like Bongo Phalanxix has gained a bit of notoriety. He has been mentioned on other blogs and even in the paper copy of look@okc. In case you don’t know who that is, he is the demon that occasionally possesses me. Just thought I’d point that out in case you were wondering. If I write anything that you may feel is foolish or that you disagree with, blame it on Bongo. That can actually apply to any area of your life. “Where the hell are my keys?! DAMN YOU BONGO!” or “Honey, I’m pregnant.” “DAMN YOU BONGO!”
It appears that people are finally coming around about our president. In a recent CNN poll, it was found that if he ran today for re-election, that he would lose. I just don’t understand why so many people feel this way now. He was the same inept fool a year ago as he is now. I don’t get how people think this is something new for him. When he addressed the country, after Hurricane Katrina, a friend of mine acted surprised he gave a ‘smug grin’ at the end of the press conference. The same smug grin he’s given for the past six years? That one? He is a lying fool who is responsible for thousands of dead Americans. Almost like Osama Bin Laden.
“Why do you keep talking bad about the president Joel? We’ve heard it all before.” I will continue to bring this up as long as there are soldier’s families left without a father or mother. As long as people are losing their loved ones in a war we should have never started to begin with is how long I will talk about what a horrible person George W. Bush is. Our soldiers are heroes and they deserve better than our government gives them.
I’ll move on.
I saw a billboard today that said “As my apprentice, you’re never fired! – God” I would love to be part of a religion that trivializes their God to the level of pop culture catch phrase. That’s a quality witnessing tool right there.
“Joel, you’ve already bashed religion, again, and the president, again. We’re growing tired of it Joel. We’re probably not going to read anything else you write because we hate you so much.” Ok. Let’s go to something trivial than.
Last night I went to Hooters with my friends, Greg and Adam. The waitress was really nice. Well as nice as someone who wants a tip can be. Her name was Tabitha. I only mention that because I thought it was a cool name. We ate there because, well, that’s where we ended up. That’s pretty trivial, right?
I noticed a guy in there who had brought his digital camera to get his picture taken with the Hooters girls. Ok. I’m definitely a pretty big loser, as far as losers go, but no where near as big a loser as that guy. This guy got dressed at home, packed up his camera, got in the car and drove to Hooters to get his picture taken with hot girls. Did this guy not know anyone? Well anyone who would have told him that that was a bit Ted Bundy-esque? “Oh man I’m gonna go up to Hooters and impress the girl who doesn’t care about me by getting my picture taken with her. Whoo boy! I bet I have a chance with her!” Guess what guy; they make fun of you when you’re not there. It’s true. Just like the girl who was our waitress was probably making fun of us at another table.
Let me go ahead and tell you something guys. You don’t have a chance with a Hooter’s girl. She isn’t into you. She doesn’t care what you do for a living or what kind of day you had at work. She is not there for the conversation. You aren’t interesting to a girl that hot. You’re barely interesting to your friends which is probably why you’re hanging out in a Hooter’s alone with nothing but your digital camera and false sense of accomplishment to keep you company. She wouldn’t talk to you if it wasn’t in her job description. I hate to break your heart, car salesman guy with a digital camera, but this also applies to strippers.
My favorite line about Hooters is an old Paul Reiser joke. “Being a Hooter’s girl is like having all the degradation of being a stripper, without all that annoying cash.”
“Sweet Christ Joel! Enough of this stupid banter. We want to know where you are this week so we can hit you over the head with heavy objects.” Well I’ll tell you.
My friend Chad got some tickets to the Hornets game next Tuesday, so I am going to go to that. I am really looking forward to it. If you see me out there, go ahead and say hello. Don’t know what I look like? I’ll be the guy whose head they will be trying to dribble. I have a huge dome. It’s like a globe covered in hair. I look like a six foot-two Charlie Brown.
So Halloween is coming up. I have never had a good Halloween. Ever. I think it started when I was kid. We weren’t allowed to trick-or-treat because, obviously, if you celebrate Halloween you love the devil. Gotta love the illogical, religious misinterpretation that ruled over my childhood.
When I got older I had two Halloweens that were really memorable. I will now bore you with the stories of both.
I went to a Halloween party at my friend Roy’s house because he threw the best parties. Myself and my girlfriend at the time, Amber, went dressed up and ready for a good time. I went as a convict because a friend of mine was able to get OK County Jail jump suits, and Amber went as a ‘naughty nurse’. Naughty is apparently code for slutty. Anyway, we go to this party and there were quite a few people there. Amber pretty much hated all my friends but Roy, because he was gay. The funny thing is that he hated her more than my straight friends did. He once told me he was glad he was gay because he could have never dealt with someone like her.
So Roy was pretty hammered and he started talking to Amber about an ex-girlfriend of mine. He said how much he hated her and he thought she was a prostitute. She wasn’t, but anyone he hated he called a prostitute. That was the end of the party for me. She says we’re leaving and we get in the car, she was driving, and she starts screaming at the top of her lungs at me. It was kind of rainy so the roads were treacherous as it was without the added hazard of a crazy lady driving. She screamed for half an hour and beat the steering wheel with her fists because Roy brought up someone I used to date. That was it. I really thought she was going to kill us both. That’s one of the many joys of dating a bipolar, manic-depressive. It’s like a twisted version of Russian Roulette only instead of a bullet it’s a chamber full of crazy.
The other memorable Halloween party was at some place in Norman. A bunch of friends of mine ended up at this huge party. It was pretty cool. They had a couple of DJ’s set up and it was definitely packed. I saw this girl that I thought was pretty, but I don’t talk to girls so there was no way that I was going to talk to her. She looked like she was a nice person. She was blonde and five-eleven and very attractive. About an hour after I saw her, my friend walked up behind me with her and introduced us. She was a student at OU and a ballerina. Before I could say anything she started kissing me. That had not happened before and hasn’t happened since. As I’m kissing her a friend of mine comes up and says that the cops had shown up so the party was over.
As my friend and I are leaving I am feeling pretty good about myself. Maybe I wasn’t as physically repulsive as I thought. Maybe she liked me! I was wishing I had gotten her number when we get outside. Surely a girl wouldn’t make out with me if she didn’t like me. Right?
So my friend and I are driving home and I am pretty happy that maybe someone likes me, regretting not getting her number, when my buddy starts laughing. He tells me that he told that girl I had cancer and that I had never kissed a girl. Thanks. No hard feelings though. I was this guys best man at his wedding. Still though.
So two crappy ass Halloweens. I’m off of Halloween. Besides, I don’t want to become a Satan worshipping hedonist. As we all know, everyone who trick-or-treats will grow up to worship Satan. I didn’t trick-or-treat and I am a member of the Church of Satan. Huh. Weird.
Here are some random , jokey thoughts I’ve had this week.
Angelina Jolie has said that she wants to have more kids. In an unrelated story, I want to help make babies with Angelina Jolie.
I work for a company that announced they are changing their name today. There are people here who are LIVID about it. I could care less. You can call the company Baby Punching Nazis Incorporated and as long as my checks clear, I do not have a problem.
Ok, so I’ve only had two random jokes. You try being creative and funny while possessed. It’s harder than you think. It’s difficult to write while suppressing the demonic urge to throw rocks at the elderly.
I have posted things that present questions about religion or politics, and have gotten some comments, however when it comes to me gaining insight into the world of women, I rarely get a response. I’ll make it easy for you people. What is the most important thing to a woman when it comes to a relationship? You really don’t want to know what I think it is so we’ll see what other people say.
A friend of mine is flying to Mexico tomorrow, so this message is for her. You are supposed to meet a man in a bar called Cantina Del Oso. He will be wearing a white fedora with a red feather in it. His name is Manuel. He is to be giving you twelve kilos of pure, uncut, Colombian nose candy. You will make the exchange with him there. If you have any problems with customs, ask for Sergeant Louis Fernandez. I’ve told him you were coming so he knows to expect you if there are any problems. Adios and good luck.
“Let’s wrap it up Joel. I have things to do. “
RIGHT NOW
SONG – Real Thing by Pearl Jam and Cypress Hill off of the Judgment Night soundtrack. It’s a really good song. I like it but I’m just a dopey white guy. Stupid me.
MOVIE – Maria Full of Grace. A very good movie about drug smuggling. I got some good tips from that movie.
FAKE HALLOWEEN FUN FACT – Satan was born on Halloween.
Holla.
-Joel