Good morning.
So after my recent decision to be gay, not much has changed in my life. I do watch a lot more of the shows on Bravo than I did before. I also went out and bought every album by Celine Dion, Josh Groban and The Pet Shop Boys that I could find. Now my music collection is super-duper gay!
Maybe I’m not gay though. There’s only one way to find out, and I’ll need some help with this. If you are an intelligent, funny, and attractive woman who, for purely scientific reasons, would like to make out with me, I would let you do that. If you care about me at all, and helping me with my fake quest, feel free to send me your information. It’s purely for science.
“You’re an idiot Joel. We don’t like you anymore.” I know, but it was worth a shot.
So I know it’s been a few days since I’ve posted. “We don’t care.” I know that some of you have been wondering what I’ve been up to. “No we haven’t.” So I’ll tell you. “We don’t care because we have real lives Joel. We don’t sit around trying to think of new ways to be witty or funny. Some of us actually do things with our lives instead of writing meaningless, funny ha-ha, posts on a blog that seven people and one insane, bible-thumping, fool read.” I know that, but I’m going to pretend that’s not true. I’m going to pretend I matter. Let’s begin!
Friday I went with my friend Chad up to Guitar Center to purchase the last thing we need to make music. We are setting a studio up in Chad’s house so we can make music, and, in turn, make money with that music. “But, you suck Joel.” I know, but I’m going to try not to suck as bad as I know I do. (insert gay joke here).
Before we went up there, we ate at Chili’s. I won’t say which one it is so that way if someone reads this they won’t get all mad and spit in my food the next time I’m there. This is for the guy who manages that Chili’s. You aren’t special. We don’t need you to act like a pompous fool because you were deemed ‘headset-worthy’ by the minds that run Chili’s. Also, just because you get to wear different clothes than the wait staff, and wear that snazzy headset, that doesn’t mean you can check out high school girls. What’s that? They looked older than they were? No. I saw them too and they didn’t look older than they were. They looked fourteen. I bet whoever gave you that wedding ring would like to know that her restaurant manager husband spends all day hitting on waitresses and checking out high school girls. It’s pathetic.
I know none of that meant anything to anyone but me and some random guy, so I’m sorry. “Hey dumb ass.” Yeah. “Why don’t you write about something worth a crap instead of bitching about some manager of a restaurant.” You’re so angry, person I made up. Alright. Here goes.
Would you rather be liked or loved? I know that sounds stupid, but I have been both liked and loved and would much rather spend time with people who like me. The last girl I dated, who we’ll call Amber, because ‘cheating prostitute’ is a bit harsh, loved me, but didn’t like me. I only found this out after having been with her for over a year. She flat out told me that she pretended to be interested in the same things I was, and pretended to like me, because she wanted me to like her. In retrospect, she probably faked a lot more than liking me. SNAP!
I’ve only dated one person who liked me and that went to crap, so maybe I’m just way off on this. I don’t think because you love someone that you have to like that person too. Nothing against my family, and I know they love me, but they don’t like me. That’s fine. It’s called being part of a family.
My question is this; Does ‘love’ denote ‘like’? Perhaps this makes no sense because I’ve mostly dated nothing but shallow excuses for humans. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks about these things. Maybe I’ve wasted enough of your time. Maybe I should apologize. Maybe I should wrap this up.
Moving on…..
Just because you did something stupid, and something bad happened to you as a result, doesn’t make you a hero. A couple of years ago there was a guy who went hiking, by himself, and had a boulder fall on him. He was trapped for three days until he finally cut off his own arm. He ended up on Oprah and got a book deal. I guess he didn’t lose his writing arm. What most people don’t talk about is how his friends had warned him to not go by himself because it was dangerous. Cost of not listening? His arm.
A while back some idiot was about to start a NASCAR race. A member of his pit crew offered to put a new neck restraint device in his car. It was something that NASCAR was about to make mandatory, but at the time it was at the discretion of the driver. The driver opted not to use it and, surprise, he died. As a result, sales of number ‘3′ stickers sky rocketed.
There is a movie out now about a man who lived among bears for years. He felt he was part of their bear culture and that they had accepted him. Surprise, him and his girlfriend get eaten. There’s a movie about this guy though. He was stupid, got eaten by bears and now they’ve made a movie about him.
All of these are examples of how stupidity is rewarded in this society. The real heroes are the people who selflessly give of themselves daily. Firemen, policemen and members of the military are more worthy of making a movie about than some dude who got eaten by bears. I will say that I still laugh whenever I think about the bear guy though. Oh man is that funny.
“I told you to say something funny Joel! You just bored us with a flimsy argument about stupidity. We get it. People are stupid!” I know. Sorry.
Because I’m not too bright, or bright, I would like to find something out. What is the best way to approach a woman? I can’t talk to girls. I can get up on stage and perform sub-par comedy in front of hundreds of people but can’t talk to girls. I know it’s pretty whiny and trivial but my ways don’t work. By ‘my ways’ I mean ‘nothing’. Hit me up ladies.
Son of a my ex-girlfriend! I just bit down on a chocolate covered pretzel and broke a tooth! DAMMIT! This is not gonna be cheap. AAWWWWWWW CRAP!
As I have to now go finagle some Lortab out of someone and pray that my dentist can see me tomorrow, I’m gonna wrap this up.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - I’m going to just randomly scroll down my iTunes and see what happens. Here goes. Where You Get Love by Matthew Sweet. That’s an awesome song. Out of 3,783 songs that’s the one I landed on. Live with it!
MOVIE - Marty starring Ernest Borgnine. It’s pretty much like my life if I were in my thirties, worked as a butcher and lived in Brooklyn in the nineteen-fifties. So, nothing like my life. It was an awesome movie though.
THING YOU SHOULDN’T DO WHILE WRITING A BLOG ENTRY - Eat a chocolate covered pretzel. Good Lord this hurts.
Holla.
-Joel