Good afternoon OKC.
I am working on a script but I have no direction. I don’t want to make a movie about heists. We have enough of those. I don’t want to make a movie about love because that’s not realistic enough. It would be more believable if I made a movie about me robbing a bank as that is more likely than me finding a girlfriend. “Stop your damn whining Joel! Just go out and compromise. That’s what most of us do anyway.” Thanks invisible relationship guru. I’ll get right on that. I think I know what direction to go with it. I have no problem envisioning a beginning and an end, it’s all the dialogue in between that tends to get a little monotonous and meaningless. Not unlike my life! YAY!
If anyone has any tips on how to overcome this, I would appreciate any help you can give.
I read today that Wal-Mart is in the process of reinventing itself. They want to create an image conducive to attracting higher income shoppers, the likes of which Target has. They plan on doing this by carrying higher quality items. They are even in talks to acquire Tommy Hilfiger. Not the person, but the company. I really hope that doesn’t happen. Just because you put white trash in a Tommy shirt doesn’t make it any less white trash. A person can just as easily smack their barefoot kid in front of a rack of Tommy clothes as they would in front of a rack of Sam’s Choice socks.
Just because you have a better product, and you have the same consumer base doesn’t indicate the consumer has gotten smarter. There are plenty of things in this world right now that are available but the willfully ignorant choose to ignore them. They take pride in shopping at Wal-Mart and watching FOX news and voting for a man we knew was a liar. The problem is not the quality of the product but the quality of the consumer. A Tommy shirt doesn’t make up for only having one tooth and a meth problem.
I like Target. I prefer Target. I have yet to hear some moron yelling at their kid at Target. People say Target is more expensive, and it is, but not by much. People who shop at Target shop there because they want to, not because they can get a gallon of mayonnaise for a buck. I hope I live to see the day when Wal-Mart is a thing of the past.
One more thing about Wal-Mart. I like how Wal-Mart won’t carry albums with parental advisory stickers but sells R rated movies, alcohol, cigarettes and guns. “We here at Wal-Mart care about your family. We won’t carry any music with profanity in it but here’s a copy of Scarface, some Marlboros, a twelve pack of beer and a shotgun. Have fun America!”
I just can’t seem to write the missive I’m used to writing. By missive I mean pointless rant.
So they say that one shouldn’t share too much in a blog because some crazy nut ball might stalk you. Before I continue, let me say that if someone is stalking me, I hate to disappoint you, but you are stalking a loser. Please pick someone a little more ‘stalk’ worthy. Anyone other than me would be fine. Try stalking Dustin Diamond. He played Screech on Saved by the Bell and I’m sure would love any attention at this point in his so called career. If you want to stalk me I would be flattered but just save yourself the time and don’t.
I recently made a list of things that I want to do before I die. Here it is, along with reasons why I haven’t done them. It’s not entertaining but it is something I have to get out there. “We don’t care Joel. No one does.” That’s kind of what I thought but I’m doing it anyway.
In no particular order……………………….
QUIT MY JOB - That is actually the easiest and hardest one on the list. I can’t very well quit my job because I am my own source of income. I don’t have anyone in my life to help me out financially. I have supported myself since I was seventeen. Another reason I don’t want to quit my job is because if I had kids, I wouldn’t want one of them to not be able to depend on me. I’m sure they’ll hold enough against me as it is. Besides, I need a job to support my crack habit. Gots to make that chedda to buy that crack. You be knowin what I’m talkin’ bout.
GO TO EUROPE - Maybe I’ll just go with Dwight and Sarah (Two-Headed Blog) They are going and maybe they’ll adopt me before they leave. If anyone wants to adopt me I’m more than willing to make it a hassle free situation. Who doesn’t want to adopt a fully grown wit such as myself? No one? Damn.
LIVE IN NEW YORK, CANADA AND AUSTRALIA - I want to live in New York because, well, I would like to live in New York. I’ve never been there but I will say I think it will prove to be the coolest place on Earth. I would like to live in Canada because not one Bush has been leader there and they have a socialized healthcare system. How cool is that? I would like to live in Australia because Paul ‘Crocodile Dundee’ Hogan lives there. Well that’s not why but saying ‘because it looks cool’ is a pretty flimsy reason.
FIND A WIFE - There isn’t enough room on the internet to go into why I am not worthy of marrying. Trust me. If my ex-girlfriend has learned to read, and reads this, perhaps she can go into why I’m not worthy. It’ll be a good read I’m sure. Well maybe not ‘good’ so much as entertaining. I don’t know if she’ll write in each of her different personalities, but if she does it will be fantastic and informative.
ADOPT A DAUGHTER -Not that raising a son would be bad in any way but I just feel I would be more fit as the father of a daughter. I think it is something that is inherent among men to want to take care of and nurture a woman. I also know what it’s like to date someone who was treated bad by their fathers. I would hate to think that my daughter would grow up and treat some guy horribly. Here’s looking out future son-in-law.
MAKE A MOVIE - This is something I have wanted to do for years. I just don’t know how. I have a barrage of ideas but have a really tough time organizing them. It’s probably the crack.
BE ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT - I was so close this year. I could almost feel the Plinko chips in my hand. Maybe next year. Damn you bad financial choices and my crappy car!
WRITE A BOOK - A friend once told me “If you’ve read a book, you can write a book.” I don’t know if that’s true or not. Besides, someone stole my idea to write a book about the adventures of a boy wizard and his friends at a school for wizards. Stupid J.K. Rowlings. She steals everything from me.
MEET …… I want to meet the following people.
Bill Cosby - I respect him because he is a comic genius. He is responsible for modern standup.
Steven Spielberg- Other than M. Night Shyamalan he is my favorite living director. I know that’s an easy choice but it’s not like I’m ever going to meet Orson Welles or Alfred Hitchcock. It’s not much fun to converse with the dead. Believe me. I’ve talked to the dead before. It’s usually all this boring stuff about the afterlife and shout outs from dead relatives. “Shut up grandpa and let Orson talk!” It’s quite underwhelming.
David Cross - He has influenced me more than any other comedian. He manages to stay funny and completely relevant without ever being preachy.
David Letterman - I shouldn’t have to explain this one so I won’t.
Jerry Seinfeld - See above.
LEARN TO DJ - I don’t mean like the obnoxious afternoon drive time morons that are on the radio. I mean like Jam Master Jay. I bought turntables once but had to sell them because I’m so good with money. I think I would be really good on the wheels of steel. I constantly hear music and want to mix it with other music. There’s nothing funny about this at all. Sorry.
LEARN ITALIAN - This one is so stupid. I want to learn Italian because of the movie The Talented Mr. Ripley. I love that movie and I’ve always thought Italian sounded cool anyway. It will probably come in handy for when I join the mob too. That’s not on my list but boy oh boy would that be fun. I’ll wack a fella for flapping his gums to the feds. Family first ya bastid!
BE A VOICE ON THE SIMPSONS - That would be great to be immortalized as a voice on the greatest TV show of all time.
BUY THE MACH FIVE REPLICA CAR - Every time I watch Cribs on MTV I always marvel at the stupid things people buy. Gold dusted ceilings like Master P. or a marble toilet like Russel Simmons has both seem pretty ridiculous. This would be my ridiculous thing though. The Mach Five is the car from Speed Racer and you can buy an exact replica for a couple hundred grand. That would be my everyday car. I would take that thing everywhere. If I had the money to buy one I would also hire a kid and a monkey to hide in my trunk and then wherever I went they would jump out and I’d act all surprised that they snuck their way into my trunk. That would be so awesome.
I guess that’s it. Nothing too lofty. Well maybe a few things are lofty but it’s my life. Think of all the time you could have saved by not reading that drivel. Now think of what it must be like to be me and how sad you would be. Now it doesn’t seem so bad anymore, does it.
RIGHT NOW
MOVIE - Overnight. It’s a documentary about the 25 year old bartender who wrote and directed Boondock Saints with no experience whatsoever. It is funny to watch someone get theirs. That guy and his group of cronies totally blew it. They were talking smack about Miramax and the Weinsteins. Before you knew it they had all been black balled by Hollywood. Smooth move guys.
SONG - Moving by Supergrass. This song is a great inspiration to me. I really like it because it kind of makes me think that everything is going to be alright. I feel a lot different after I listen to this song than when I listen to ‘Kill Yourself Because You’re a Loser Joel’ by The Suicides.
LINE ABOUT KIDS I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT MADE ME LAUGH -“Babies are f—ing boring. Come back when you’re eight and you accidentally say something funny.” - David Cross
Holla.
-Joel