Good morning OKC.
So I’m not at work. “Did you finally man up and quit your job because it is stealing your life one day at a time thus depriving the world of your wit?” No, but thanks. I have some growth on my leg that hurts like a mofo. My doctor said that antibiotics should take care of it. My doctor is super cool but I keep forgetting to tell him I’m poor white trash. He always prescribes things that cost more than my car is worth. Honestly that could be a five dollar prescription but I digress.
I got the prescriptions and rolled to the fair. Well it wasn’t the fair but there were a lot of fat toothless people with mullets. So I’m at Wal-Mart to get my prescription filled and the guy tells me that it will be over two hundred dollars. What the effing eff?! Wow. I asked if there were generic types of the prescriptions and he said no. What does it say about me as a person that I won’t buy generic cereal or cola but I’m more than willing to take pills that for all I know are mints with numbers stamped on them? I know what it says. I’m a food elitist. “I’m too good to buy ‘Captain Munch’ cereal or ‘Melveeta’ cheese but by all means make sure my medicine isn’t brand name.” I’m a dope.
I called my doctor and, surprise, he’s only in the office for about two hours a day. I got his answering service. I went ahead and got two of the prescriptions filled. That way I was only out fifty bucks. Man I wish I was Canadian.
Here is a side note to the trip to the doctor’s office. Whenever I go there, after the exam, a nurse will take you into his office where he will meet with you and then you can leave. The deal is that you sit in his office for a little while, and I don’t mind the waiting, but it’s like his office is the ‘Make Joel feel bad about himself room.’ His office is adorned with pictures of his family and them doing things while on vacation like scuba diving. It’s obvious he loves his kids more than anything. I really hope I am that kind of father. I wonder if he would adopt me. Yeah. I doubt it.
If pictures are a sign of a life well lived I’m in trouble. Here is a quick rundown of what pictures I have out in my house. “Dear God Joel we don’t care to read about that! Please don’t put us through that!” Well I’m the one with the blog and you’re not. Enjoy!
- An autographed picture of Ricky Gervais.
- An autographed picture of Bob Barker.
- An autographed picture of Cheaters host Joey Greco.
-A picture from the mid forties of my grandfather.
- Comicfest posters.
I also have a framed picture of me and my grandfather from when I was four. He’s my favorite dead relative. Oh shut up. It’s not as bad as it sounds. It is true though. I was only eleven when he died so it was pretty traumatic. He had a pretty big impact on my life though. I remember him being pretty funny and he liked to write.
You thought that reading about pictures on my wall was bad but then I hit you upside the proverbial head with a dead grandpa story. You’re welcome.
I want to marry Fiona Apple. “But Joel you’ve dated angry women before. Why put yourself through that again?” Well because if she gets her anger out through her music that means she won’t take it out on me. The last girl I dated was known to throw anger management books at me, punch me in the face and told me she hated me to the point it had no effect on me. Also, Amber had no talent at all. None. Her talent was being crazy. If everyone is born with the ability to do one thing, and do it well, her’s was being crazy. She is to being crazy as Tom Hanks is to acting or Einstein was to physics or I am to rambling on.
Fiona Apple used to date magician David Blaine. I can’t do any tricks. Wait. If she went out with me I can make one thing disappear! Her standards in dating men! You thought I meant something else didn’t you. You sick pervs.
The last I heard she was dating P.T. Anderson who wrote and directed Boogie Nights at 26. All I did was buy that movie at 26. We’re kind of alike in that sense I guess. Yeah. Enough already.
“I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat. Fiona -Apple- Dumpling Gang.” It’s things like that that run through my mind all day. And you thought you had problems.
When did The Learning Channel become the best freak show on TV? This past weekend I saw a story of a kid with a face eating tumor. It takes a lot for me to get sick to my stomach by just seeing something. I’ve seen plenty of gross things in my life but the kid with the face eating tumor almost did me in. That was so bad. Like cartoonish bad. Let me just say this to everyone reading this right now. If I ever get to the point where I can’t communicate because I have a tumor the size of a car on my face, just assume I want to die and push me in front of a train. Please. I don’t have a girl friend as it is now and I’m depressed about it. I don’t even want to think about how much harder it would be like if I had a fleshy boulder hanging off of my face.
They even cut this kids hair at one point. Yeah. Now he looks normal.
I’m not a tumor-phobe. I don’t think someone should be judged by their looks and blah blah blah. It was unsettling though.
Here’s something I don’t understand. Why is it that when good things happen the religious people praise God but then when something like Katrina happens we blame the Devil? If you believe that everything is God’s plan than that means just that, everything. Abortion, 9-11, Katrina, people dying, Satan. It’s all part of God’s plan, right? Someone explain that to me please.
So it’s October and Christmas is almost here. I know a lot (none) of you are wondering what to get your favorite Newsok blog guy. Here’s all I want. If I could get two hundred people to send me two bucks a piece I could by that iPod I want. Two bucks. That’s it. “Why should we help you get an iPod? You’re just a witty writer with little more to offer the world than strikingly good looks and super witty writings.” Well, you should send me two bucks because it’s less than a gallon of gas and I’m tired of being an iPodless dork. I have over 3600 songs on my computer but I own a walkman. A cassette walkman. Seriously. What if I were you? You would buy you an iPod. Help a brotha out. Damn.
I am about to pop some pain pills and watch some Price is Right so I’ll wrap this up.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple. I got the album this morning and it is really good. Like I said, I want to marry that broad. The only thing that stand between me and Fiona is me becoming an accomplished magician and or film maker. Maybe I could make a movie about magic! Oh wow! What a great idea that isn’t!
TV SHOW - The Price is Right. If I have to explain why than you really need to go back to whatever backwards country you came from you non Price is Right watching Communist! GET OUT!
MOVIE - Toy Story. This movie reminds of the time I went to see it at the theatre with my girlfriend at the time. All was right with the world and I could have never anticipated that that was the best year of my life so far. That’s sad. That was ten years ago. Now I’m all sad again. Thanks me.
GOOD THINGS having to do with Apple - iPods. Fiona. Pie. The Big. The Beatles label. Gwyneth’s baby. The list goes on but not much further.
Have a good day and get ready to comment because I’m gonna do some writing about the ultra popular Lifechurch and how I feel it is little more than a cult.
Holla.
-Joel