JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

Good morning all.

I received thirty comments when it came to something I’d written about religion. I received almost as many comments awhile back when I trashed our very trash worthy commander- in- chief. I ask about relationships and didn’t get near as much feedback. As someone had pointed out, it appears people feel they are more educated to talk about religion and politics than relationships. I’m not sure what that says about us as a species. I’m pretty sure it’s not a good sign though.

Someone asked what is most important in a relationship to me. That has been asked of me, well, never, so here goes……………..

1. Trust. I have never been able to trust anyone I’ve seriously dated. At the time it may have seemed like trust but really it was just carefully executed manipulation of my feelings used by someone as a free pass to practice infidelity like it was a religion.

I know how much that may have sounded like an excerpt from a diary written by a scorned sixteen year old girl who had just broken up with her first boyfriend. Maybe the kind of entry written while she listened to Skinny Puppy and contemplated going up to the Hot Topic where her boyfriend worked and telling him what she really thought of him but instead she decided to dabble in a short lived lesbian relationship with her best friend Ruth which would later lead to her being even more ashamed of herself for having shown love to any one at all.

I’ll stop.

I think trust is the most important aspect of a relationship because above all else I should not have to question whether or not the person I’m with is really out shopping, like she says, and not doing Jell-O shots off of some Latin dude named Enrique at some nightclub somewhere.

2. Honesty. I don’t think you can trust someone who is dishonest. Everyone has trusted a liar though. Don’t believe me? Who is the president again? Ok. That’s what I thought. I guess I just don’t understand dishonesty. If you don’t like me, tell me. If you want to see someone else, go ahead. It will hurt and I’ll move on, but just be honest with me. Why go through all the trouble of lying to me? There’s no need to cheat. I feel pretty strongly about this.

When I was younger, someone who I am very close to got cheated on at least twice that she knew of. I was also quite close to her husband. They had a couple of kids together and I thought everything was fine between them. I ended up finding out from her that he had cheated on her and it completely obliterated any respect I had for her husband. In my eyes he had become one of the most loathsome creatures on the planet. To this day I haven’t spoken to him and am glad for that. As a result I have a zero tolerance policy for cheating. I have never cheated on anyone I’ve dated, nor will I.

This leads me to something else. Why does anyone put up with that? Have some self- respect. Someone can only get away with what you let them get away with. Just lock your girlfriend in the basement like I do. I’m kidding. I just wanted to make sure you were still paying attention.

Just break up with the person you’re with. “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.” Then don’t bang someone else for crying out loud! If you cared at all for that person you wouldn’t have cheated to begin with.

I’ve been cheated on and I wasn’t angry when I found out. I was hurt because I just didn’t know what I had done to make the person I was with think they couldn’t be honest with me. Just break up. It really is that easy. People do it all the time. I did.

As far as little things go though, I think it’s alright to be a tad dishonest if it will make the person you love feel a little better. My ex-girlfriend had cancer when she was younger so as she got older she kept having all sorts of medical problems. At one point they put her on steroids which made her face puff up like crazy. She was already self conscious about the way she looked. She had a pretty low self esteem as it was which I’m sure is why she was with me to begin with. She was crying one day and she asked if I thought she looked that different because people she worked with were calling her fat. I told her she was beautiful and couldn’t see any difference in her face because I thought she was beautiful no matter what she looked like. The last part was true. She looked like a blowfish with eyes but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and I really did think she was beautiful, because I loved her. In retrospect I probably should have told her they needed to put handles on the side of her head so little kids could ride her like one of those huge bouncy ball things. I remained honest in my feelings so maybe it really wasn’t dishonesty. I just think there is a huge difference in telling someone you think their god awful art class project really is good or that they aren’t fat as opposed to lying about nailing some sorority girl you picked up at a club.

3. Sense of humor. In my vast dating experience(three people) only one of those girls ‘got’ me. Basically only one girl thought I was funny. That is really hard to deal with if the only good quality you have is a sense of humor. Amber, the blowfish face girl, told me I wasn’t funny at all. In the three years we dated the only time she laughed at me was the very first time I was on stage doing comedy. I came to find out later that she wasn’t really laughing at me, she just didn’t want to look stupid in front of my friends, who were honestly laughing.

I want a girl who is funny enough to take a joke but at the same time be able to crack one too. Funny women are hard to find. I have only met four women that can make me laugh and three of them are married. The other one I dated long ago so maybe she’s not funny anymore. I doubt it though.

4. Something in common. Amber and I had Dave Matthews in common and, well, that’s about it. We were at odds on everything else. I couldn’t talk with her about anything. Probably because the only thing she wanted to talk about was money and how to get money.

I think you have to be able to talk to the person you’re with because looks will fade. We are all one fiery car crash away from being hideous and if the person who says they love you can’t look beyond that than you’re in trouble.

I guess that’s pretty much it. I’m sure there are more things but when it comes down to it that is what’s most important. Anyone can have a certain job or look a certain way but in the end there are much more important things. There is something to be said for just being able to know that if something happens there will always be someone there for you who accepts you for who you are and not how much money you have or what kind of car you drive or how you look. That is something I’ve experienced only once in my life and feel that it will never happen again. That’s fine because at least I’ve experienced it even if only for a short time.

In case anyone was wondering, it’s probably not a good idea to try to be poignant and witty while listening to the Garden State soundtrack. Just letting you know.

Let’s change the music and see if that changed the mood……hang on. I’ll just randomly scroll through iTunes with my eyes closed. What?! Nick Drake’s Could’ve Been! Let’s try again…..Maroon 5’s Sweetest Goodbye! What the hell is going on?! This isn’t working. Dr. Dre it is. There we go. It’s like listening to songs about my life. I’m hardocre yo. I’ve killed some mofoes for disrespectin’ me and not wreck-ug-nizin who I be.

This is much better. Time to be funny!

So George Takei, who played Sulu on Star Trek, recently announced he’s gay. Cheryl Swoopes of the WNBA also announced that she was gay. Wow. I’m not upset they are gay because I don’t care. I’m just upset I have to hear about Star Trek and the WNBA in one week. It’s kind of rare I hear about two things I couldn’t care less about in less than a week. I think they should be more embarrassed by their career choices.

So I’m going to wrap this up because I don’t want to bore you. “Too late.” Sorry.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Dancing Queen by Abba. In honor of George Takei. In case you don’t know who that is, here’s a picture.

I couldn’t believe it when I found out he was gay either.

ALBUM - Z by My Morning Jacket. It was mentioned in Esquire this month and it is really good. It’s a lot like the Flaming Lips.

MOVIE - Catwoman. It was HBO’s movie of the week last night. It’s bad. Like worse than I expected. This movie has, quite possibly the worst movie moment I’ve ever seen. I don’t want to ruin the laugh you’ll have but let’s just say it involves Halle Berry and some catnip. That’s right. Catnip. The funny thing is that someone wrote that scene and it was read by her and her agent and I’m sure a lot of studio heads and they all seemed to think it would be ok to put on film. Usually Halle Berry and pretty much anything is good but the scene with the catnip is way funnier than the ‘Make me feel good’ scene in Monster’s Ball.

PURCHASE OF THE DAY - I’m all about things smelling good. Yesterday I bought the Glade scented oil candles and it is by far the best thing I’ve bought in a while.

It’s time for me to prepare to come out of the closet now.

Holla.

-Joel

Greetings!

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. None of you have written in asking where I’ve been so thank you for the concern. For all you know I could have been trapped in a well or something. Now I know who my fake, real friends are.

It looks like Bongo Phalanxix has gained a bit of notoriety. He has been mentioned on other blogs and even in the paper copy of look@okc. In case you don’t know who that is, he is the demon that occasionally possesses me. Just thought I’d point that out in case you were wondering. If I write anything that you may feel is foolish or that you disagree with, blame it on Bongo. That can actually apply to any area of your life. “Where the hell are my keys?! DAMN YOU BONGO!” or “Honey, I’m pregnant.” “DAMN YOU BONGO!”

It appears that people are finally coming around about our president. In a recent CNN poll, it was found that if he ran today for re-election, that he would lose. I just don’t understand why so many people feel this way now. He was the same inept fool a year ago as he is now. I don’t get how people think this is something new for him. When he addressed the country, after Hurricane Katrina, a friend of mine acted surprised he gave a ‘smug grin’ at the end of the press conference. The same smug grin he’s given for the past six years? That one? He is a lying fool who is responsible for thousands of dead Americans. Almost like Osama Bin Laden.

“Why do you keep talking bad about the president Joel? We’ve heard it all before.” I will continue to bring this up as long as there are soldier’s families left without a father or mother. As long as people are losing their loved ones in a war we should have never started to begin with is how long I will talk about what a horrible person George W. Bush is. Our soldiers are heroes and they deserve better than our government gives them.

I’ll move on.

I saw a billboard today that said “As my apprentice, you’re never fired! – God” I would love to be part of a religion that trivializes their God to the level of pop culture catch phrase. That’s a quality witnessing tool right there.

“Joel, you’ve already bashed religion, again, and the president, again. We’re growing tired of it Joel. We’re probably not going to read anything else you write because we hate you so much.” Ok. Let’s go to something trivial than.

Last night I went to Hooters with my friends, Greg and Adam. The waitress was really nice. Well as nice as someone who wants a tip can be. Her name was Tabitha. I only mention that because I thought it was a cool name. We ate there because, well, that’s where we ended up. That’s pretty trivial, right?

I noticed a guy in there who had brought his digital camera to get his picture taken with the Hooters girls. Ok. I’m definitely a pretty big loser, as far as losers go, but no where near as big a loser as that guy. This guy got dressed at home, packed up his camera, got in the car and drove to Hooters to get his picture taken with hot girls. Did this guy not know anyone? Well anyone who would have told him that that was a bit Ted Bundy-esque? “Oh man I’m gonna go up to Hooters and impress the girl who doesn’t care about me by getting my picture taken with her. Whoo boy! I bet I have a chance with her!” Guess what guy; they make fun of you when you’re not there. It’s true. Just like the girl who was our waitress was probably making fun of us at another table.

Let me go ahead and tell you something guys. You don’t have a chance with a Hooter’s girl. She isn’t into you. She doesn’t care what you do for a living or what kind of day you had at work. She is not there for the conversation. You aren’t interesting to a girl that hot. You’re barely interesting to your friends which is probably why you’re hanging out in a Hooter’s alone with nothing but your digital camera and false sense of accomplishment to keep you company. She wouldn’t talk to you if it wasn’t in her job description. I hate to break your heart, car salesman guy with a digital camera, but this also applies to strippers.

My favorite line about Hooters is an old Paul Reiser joke. “Being a Hooter’s girl is like having all the degradation of being a stripper, without all that annoying cash.”

“Sweet Christ Joel! Enough of this stupid banter. We want to know where you are this week so we can hit you over the head with heavy objects.” Well I’ll tell you.

My friend Chad got some tickets to the Hornets game next Tuesday, so I am going to go to that. I am really looking forward to it. If you see me out there, go ahead and say hello. Don’t know what I look like? I’ll be the guy whose head they will be trying to dribble. I have a huge dome. It’s like a globe covered in hair. I look like a six foot-two Charlie Brown.

So Halloween is coming up. I have never had a good Halloween. Ever. I think it started when I was kid. We weren’t allowed to trick-or-treat because, obviously, if you celebrate Halloween you love the devil. Gotta love the illogical, religious misinterpretation that ruled over my childhood.

When I got older I had two Halloweens that were really memorable. I will now bore you with the stories of both.

I went to a Halloween party at my friend Roy’s house because he threw the best parties. Myself and my girlfriend at the time, Amber, went dressed up and ready for a good time. I went as a convict because a friend of mine was able to get OK County Jail jump suits, and Amber went as a ‘naughty nurse’. Naughty is apparently code for slutty. Anyway, we go to this party and there were quite a few people there. Amber pretty much hated all my friends but Roy, because he was gay. The funny thing is that he hated her more than my straight friends did. He once told me he was glad he was gay because he could have never dealt with someone like her.

So Roy was pretty hammered and he started talking to Amber about an ex-girlfriend of mine. He said how much he hated her and he thought she was a prostitute. She wasn’t, but anyone he hated he called a prostitute. That was the end of the party for me. She says we’re leaving and we get in the car, she was driving, and she starts screaming at the top of her lungs at me. It was kind of rainy so the roads were treacherous as it was without the added hazard of a crazy lady driving. She screamed for half an hour and beat the steering wheel with her fists because Roy brought up someone I used to date. That was it. I really thought she was going to kill us both. That’s one of the many joys of dating a bipolar, manic-depressive. It’s like a twisted version of Russian Roulette only instead of a bullet it’s a chamber full of crazy.

The other memorable Halloween party was at some place in Norman. A bunch of friends of mine ended up at this huge party. It was pretty cool. They had a couple of DJ’s set up and it was definitely packed. I saw this girl that I thought was pretty, but I don’t talk to girls so there was no way that I was going to talk to her. She looked like she was a nice person. She was blonde and five-eleven and very attractive. About an hour after I saw her, my friend walked up behind me with her and introduced us. She was a student at OU and a ballerina. Before I could say anything she started kissing me. That had not happened before and hasn’t happened since. As I’m kissing her a friend of mine comes up and says that the cops had shown up so the party was over.

As my friend and I are leaving I am feeling pretty good about myself. Maybe I wasn’t as physically repulsive as I thought. Maybe she liked me! I was wishing I had gotten her number when we get outside. Surely a girl wouldn’t make out with me if she didn’t like me. Right?

So my friend and I are driving home and I am pretty happy that maybe someone likes me, regretting not getting her number, when my buddy starts laughing. He tells me that he told that girl I had cancer and that I had never kissed a girl. Thanks. No hard feelings though. I was this guys best man at his wedding. Still though.

So two crappy ass Halloweens. I’m off of Halloween. Besides, I don’t want to become a Satan worshipping hedonist. As we all know, everyone who trick-or-treats will grow up to worship Satan. I didn’t trick-or-treat and I am a member of the Church of Satan. Huh. Weird.

Here are some random , jokey thoughts I’ve had this week.

Angelina Jolie has said that she wants to have more kids. In an unrelated story, I want to help make babies with Angelina Jolie.

I work for a company that announced they are changing their name today. There are people here who are LIVID about it. I could care less. You can call the company Baby Punching Nazis Incorporated and as long as my checks clear, I do not have a problem.

Ok, so I’ve only had two random jokes. You try being creative and funny while possessed. It’s harder than you think. It’s difficult to write while suppressing the demonic urge to throw rocks at the elderly.

I have posted things that present questions about religion or politics, and have gotten some comments, however when it comes to me gaining insight into the world of women, I rarely get a response. I’ll make it easy for you people. What is the most important thing to a woman when it comes to a relationship? You really don’t want to know what I think it is so we’ll see what other people say.

A friend of mine is flying to Mexico tomorrow, so this message is for her. You are supposed to meet a man in a bar called Cantina Del Oso. He will be wearing a white fedora with a red feather in it. His name is Manuel. He is to be giving you twelve kilos of pure, uncut, Colombian nose candy. You will make the exchange with him there. If you have any problems with customs, ask for Sergeant Louis Fernandez. I’ve told him you were coming so he knows to expect you if there are any problems. Adios and good luck.

“Let’s wrap it up Joel. I have things to do. “

RIGHT NOW

SONG – Real Thing by Pearl Jam and Cypress Hill off of the Judgment Night soundtrack. It’s a really good song. I like it but I’m just a dopey white guy. Stupid me.

MOVIE – Maria Full of Grace. A very good movie about drug smuggling. I got some good tips from that movie.

FAKE HALLOWEEN FUN FACT – Satan was born on Halloween.

Holla.

-Joel

Good morning.

So after my recent decision to be gay, not much has changed in my life. I do watch a lot more of the shows on Bravo than I did before. I also went out and bought every album by Celine Dion, Josh Groban and The Pet Shop Boys that I could find. Now my music collection is super-duper gay!

Maybe I’m not gay though. There’s only one way to find out, and I’ll need some help with this. If you are an intelligent, funny, and attractive woman who, for purely scientific reasons, would like to make out with me, I would let you do that. If you care about me at all, and helping me with my fake quest, feel free to send me your information. It’s purely for science.

“You’re an idiot Joel. We don’t like you anymore.” I know, but it was worth a shot.

So I know it’s been a few days since I’ve posted. “We don’t care.” I know that some of you have been wondering what I’ve been up to. “No we haven’t.” So I’ll tell you. “We don’t care because we have real lives Joel. We don’t sit around trying to think of new ways to be witty or funny. Some of us actually do things with our lives instead of writing meaningless, funny ha-ha, posts on a blog that seven people and one insane, bible-thumping, fool read.” I know that, but I’m going to pretend that’s not true. I’m going to pretend I matter. Let’s begin!

Friday I went with my friend Chad up to Guitar Center to purchase the last thing we need to make music. We are setting a studio up in Chad’s house so we can make music, and, in turn, make money with that music. “But, you suck Joel.” I know, but I’m going to try not to suck as bad as I know I do. (insert gay joke here).

Before we went up there, we ate at Chili’s. I won’t say which one it is so that way if someone reads this they won’t get all mad and spit in my food the next time I’m there. This is for the guy who manages that Chili’s. You aren’t special. We don’t need you to act like a pompous fool because you were deemed ‘headset-worthy’ by the minds that run Chili’s. Also, just because you get to wear different clothes than the wait staff, and wear that snazzy headset, that doesn’t mean you can check out high school girls. What’s that? They looked older than they were? No. I saw them too and they didn’t look older than they were. They looked fourteen. I bet whoever gave you that wedding ring would like to know that her restaurant manager husband spends all day hitting on waitresses and checking out high school girls. It’s pathetic.

I know none of that meant anything to anyone but me and some random guy, so I’m sorry. “Hey dumb ass.” Yeah. “Why don’t you write about something worth a crap instead of bitching about some manager of a restaurant.” You’re so angry, person I made up. Alright. Here goes.

Would you rather be liked or loved? I know that sounds stupid, but I have been both liked and loved and would much rather spend time with people who like me. The last girl I dated, who we’ll call Amber, because ‘cheating prostitute’ is a bit harsh, loved me, but didn’t like me. I only found this out after having been with her for over a year. She flat out told me that she pretended to be interested in the same things I was, and pretended to like me, because she wanted me to like her. In retrospect, she probably faked a lot more than liking me. SNAP!

I’ve only dated one person who liked me and that went to crap, so maybe I’m just way off on this. I don’t think because you love someone that you have to like that person too. Nothing against my family, and I know they love me, but they don’t like me. That’s fine. It’s called being part of a family.

My question is this; Does ‘love’ denote ‘like’? Perhaps this makes no sense because I’ve mostly dated nothing but shallow excuses for humans. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks about these things. Maybe I’ve wasted enough of your time. Maybe I should apologize. Maybe I should wrap this up.

Moving on…..

Just because you did something stupid, and something bad happened to you as a result, doesn’t make you a hero. A couple of years ago there was a guy who went hiking, by himself, and had a boulder fall on him. He was trapped for three days until he finally cut off his own arm. He ended up on Oprah and got a book deal. I guess he didn’t lose his writing arm. What most people don’t talk about is how his friends had warned him to not go by himself because it was dangerous. Cost of not listening? His arm.

A while back some idiot was about to start a NASCAR race. A member of his pit crew offered to put a new neck restraint device in his car. It was something that NASCAR was about to make mandatory, but at the time it was at the discretion of the driver. The driver opted not to use it and, surprise, he died. As a result, sales of number ‘3′ stickers sky rocketed.

There is a movie out now about a man who lived among bears for years. He felt he was part of their bear culture and that they had accepted him. Surprise, him and his girlfriend get eaten. There’s a movie about this guy though. He was stupid, got eaten by bears and now they’ve made a movie about him.

All of these are examples of how stupidity is rewarded in this society. The real heroes are the people who selflessly give of themselves daily. Firemen, policemen and members of the military are more worthy of making a movie about than some dude who got eaten by bears. I will say that I still laugh whenever I think about the bear guy though. Oh man is that funny.

“I told you to say something funny Joel! You just bored us with a flimsy argument about stupidity. We get it. People are stupid!” I know. Sorry.

Because I’m not too bright, or bright, I would like to find something out. What is the best way to approach a woman? I can’t talk to girls. I can get up on stage and perform sub-par comedy in front of hundreds of people but can’t talk to girls. I know it’s pretty whiny and trivial but my ways don’t work. By ‘my ways’ I mean ‘nothing’. Hit me up ladies.

Son of a my ex-girlfriend! I just bit down on a chocolate covered pretzel and broke a tooth! DAMMIT! This is not gonna be cheap. AAWWWWWWW CRAP!

As I have to now go finagle some Lortab out of someone and pray that my dentist can see me tomorrow, I’m gonna wrap this up.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - I’m going to just randomly scroll down my iTunes and see what happens. Here goes. Where You Get Love by Matthew Sweet. That’s an awesome song. Out of 3,783 songs that’s the one I landed on. Live with it!

MOVIE - Marty starring Ernest Borgnine. It’s pretty much like my life if I were in my thirties, worked as a butcher and lived in Brooklyn in the nineteen-fifties. So, nothing like my life. It was an awesome movie though.

THING YOU SHOULDN’T DO WHILE WRITING A BLOG ENTRY - Eat a chocolate covered pretzel. Good Lord this hurts.

Holla.

-Joel

Good day all.

So I was having an ok week until yesterday. Still plugging along at a job I hate, like most other Americans. Then it happened. An epiphany if you will. I realized that I am a fashion-less Satanist. Up until yesterday I had no problem wearing clothes from Wal-Mart as I bowed before the all powerful Satan at the altar I made myself. I’m not a committed Satanist though because I’m only sacrificing squirrels so far. You have to work up to babies. I found that out from a book called Satanism For Dummies. It’s pretty good.

So I’ve made a huge choice that I would like to share with all of you. I’ve decided to be gay. I am really attracted to women but they aren’t attracted to me so I figured why not try something new. I have made the choice to lead a gay lifestyle because, well, it’s just that easy. I was actually kind of surprised. Poof. Just like that I’m gay. I am all of a sudden attracted to men and have ignored over twenty years of being attracted to women. Just by choosing! Wow. This is easier than I thought. By simply CHOOSING to be gay I have become gay. I wish I’d have done this sooner. I guess I just never believed that people chose who they were attracted to, but I was wrong.

I was actually thinking about the first time I decided to be attracted to women. I was seven and there was a girl named Beth who I thought was pretty that was in my Sunday school class. I didn’t think she was attractive until I CHOSE to think so. I thought I was born liking women but nope. Turns out I CHOSE to like women. What a fool I was.

I think it will be interesting to be gay. I can finally start being ridiculed for the way I chose to be by people who have been given some sort of free pass to be judgmental because they believe in God. Muslims, Christians and pretty much any religion that preaches one thing and then uses that as an excuse to be judgmental because they believe in a higher power can all start hating me now. I can finally be hated for a good reason instead of all the other ones. That will make it much easier for close minded hypocrites to hate me. They won’t have to try to find something because, well, I’ve chosen to be gay. What a great choice this is!

If anyone really believes that please just go jump in front of a train right now.

All joking aside, this in response to some comments left yesterday. I like to keep this funny but not so much this time. If you don’t want to hear me go at it, again, with some naive individual, skip ahead.

I’ve left the comments in tact as they appeared because I guess God doesn’t believe in spell check or correct punctuation. Just because you’re hooked on religion doesn’t mean you’re hooked on phonics.

Joel i’d like to ask you, what Religion are you? are you, Christian? muslim? Athiest? Do you believe in God? and the Bible? Jesus Christ?

First of all, atheism isn’t a religion. Second, I’m no religion. I think organized religion is the worst thing to ever happen to this world. Besides that, what do you care. That’s between myself and whoever I choose to tell. I don’t have to wear my beliefs on my sleeve so that way other people who believe the same thing can agree with me. I’m not ashamed, I’m just not obnoxious. Besides, the last thing you need is another reason to judge me. It’s apparent your cache is full as it is.

Hey Dana, well first i’m not judging. I’m just showing joel that by his own admission hedoesn’t believe in Christianity, i’m not judging him, i’m simpling asking what he believes in.

You’re right about not judging me. You’re just making things up. Besides, apparently you already know what I believe because by my own admission I don’t believe in Christianity. I didn’t know that about myself but I’m glad you know me better than I know myself.

And on your thought about gays? there is no proof that gays were born gays. But the Bible does say all human beings are born with a sin nature.

That’s pretty contradictory right there. There actually is proof people are born gay. Read a book that doesn’t have the words King, James or by Jerry Fallwell on the front of it and you might know that.

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have ommitted an abomination:

That may very well be the funniest misspelling of all time.

There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, Who walk not after the Flesh, but after the Spirt.

So if you live in Christ than it’s all good. Ok. I guess that priests, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker and even King David are condemned because they ‘walked’ after the flesh?

God loves all homesexuals!However, He hates the deeds of homesexuality because they are sinful..

“If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone.” John 8:7

I never wanted this to turn into a theological nightmare. I was merely putting things out there that people need to think about. When you choose to practice blind ideology you have already lost the argument with me. No one wants to hear what someone who is too afraid to admit they might be wrong has to say. Besides that it’s hard to take someone seriously who is too ashamed of their own beliefs that they won’t even use their real name. I know that nothing I say is going to be taken to heart by someone with such strong beliefs, but I gotta try.

I apologize to those of you who read this that want nothing more than the ramblings of a twenty-something loser such as myself. Tomorrow I’ll try to be less incendiary and more trivial.

RIGHT NOW

SONG – Rocket Man by Elton John. This song makes me cry a little every time I hear it. Probably because I can’t believe someone so gay wrote something so beautiful. I wish he hadn’t chosen to be that way.

MOVIE - Priscilla Queen of the Desert. I’ve only seen this once but with my new CHOICE I’ll have to go buy the DVD. Well that and the complete Queer Eye on DVD.

BOOK - Anything by Oscar Wilde or Truman Capote.

HOBBY - Writing angry misspelled missives on a blog from my una-bomber-like shack in the woods. I only misspell words because I’m so enraged by logic I can’t stop shaking.

Holla.

-Joel

Hello.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful July afternoon. What’s that? It’s October? Huh. I couldn’t tell because it’s hot as crap outside! Son of a gun I hate this weather. This weather makes me remember why I never want to go to Mexico. Well that and I think it’s annoying whenever some kid runs up to me and tries to sell me Chiclets. I said no once to this kid who was selling Chiclets near where I park my car and he stabbed me. Should have bought the Chiclets. That’s a good piece of advice no matter what the situation.

So it’s come time again for me to get a little ‘ranty’. “But Joel we’ve enjoyed your stupidity up until this point. Why now? Why would you ruin a perfectly good Tuesday with a rant?” Because I have no control over what I write. Well not really. Almost everything I write is at the request of a demon named Bongo Phalanxix that possesses my hands and types the entries for me. Don’t hate me, hate Bongo Phalanxix. He’s originally from New Orleans but needed a host body so I figured I’d be nice. The door’s always open at soul de Joel. Like most things I think are nice gestures, the idea kind of backfired. Bongo never pays the rent and makes me yell at strangers. I really hate that guy.

Nothing’s funnier than jokes about demonic possession. Well almost nothing. So here comes the rant. This is all me too. Not Bongo. Well not this time.

I got into a discussion with someone recently over how it appears that religious people just can’t seem to handle that people are gay. The discussion reached the point where it was presented that if gay people keep choosing to be gay, there won’t be anyone left to procreate. This leads me to a couple of opinions I would like to share.

First, I don’t believe people choose to be gay. Science has proved this. People are genetically pre-disposed to be attracted to certain things. People choose what to eat or where to go on a weekend. People don’t choose who or what they are attracted to. I didn’t choose to be attracted to bitchy girls with no personality and weird looking noses who have no self esteem. Basically I’m saying that I didn’t choose to find women attractive. Just like ninety percent of women didn’t choose to find me un-attractive. That’s not a choice, that’s common sense. For God’s Sake look at me!

There also seems to be a bit of concern that certain textbooks in schools recognize gay couples, which, somehow, means that a child will ‘choose’ to be gay. People have interpreted this as condoning the action. That’s like saying if you teach about murder than a child will become a murderer. To recognize something is not to condone something. The fact is there are gay couples with kids. Why make it more difficult on a kid than it already is. It sucks to be a kid. Remember? Who cares if a kid has two dads or two moms? It’s so inconsequential. “But if a kid grows up in a house with gay parents that kid’s gonna grow up gay!” It’s been proven that there is no more likelihood of a child being gay if raised by a gay family as opposed to a straight family. Move on.

Second, why is less people such bad thing? Who cares if we can’t procreate? Have you been anywhere? We don’t need anymore people. We’ve got enough and even some of us that are here are iffy. Look at me. I don’t do anything that’s worth anything good. I work for a huge soulless corporation and then write a blog and sometimes do comedy .The world could, and will, move on when I’m gone. We don’t need to replace me. I’m serious. Hypothetically, if somehow gay people were the only ones left on the planet, I’m pretty sure there are gay people that would be willing to take one for the team. If there is one thing we’ll never run out of, it’s people.

These are just my opinions, and that’s all I’m sharing. I might be wrong though and I’m not afraid to admit it if I am.

I get a lot of comments from people, and I appreciate them. I don’t like that sometimes what I write my be taken by some as a reason to feel alienated. That’s not my intention. Let me put something out there that we can all agree on. Next time you see a precious little baby, punch it in the face. Damn you Bongo Phalanxix!

RIGHT NOW

SONG – Where’d All The Good People go by Jack Johnson. I’m on this weird kick where I’ve been alternating between Jack Johnson and Nine Inch Nails. It’s like I have some sort of audio bipolar disorder.

MOVIE – The Shining. Who was the actor that was so good in that movie? He really captured the intensity of the character and was quite frightening. Oh yeah, Steven Weber. That guy from Wings totally put Jack Nicholson to shame. I actually am going to recommend Kubrick’s Shining. The one with Jack. When that kid is on the big wheel it still creeps me out. It’s unfair for me to snap on Steven Weber like that too. He is in a great movie called Sour Grapes which was written and directed by Larry David. It’s in the bargain bin at most places but pick it up.

PLACE I’LL BE TONIGHT – Your mom’s. Kidding. The Loony Bin. I’m not performing but I am going to see the Bill Parker comedy school showcase they are having tonight. That should be interesting.

Please tell me if I should go into how I think people with children seem to lose all interesting characteristics and trade them in for boring, kid related anecdotes.

Holla.

- Joel

Hello OKC.

This is my fiftieth entry! So much has changed since I started writing this. New Orleans existed, OU was good and I was single. Now, just a few short months later, New Orleans is under water, OU sucks and I am still single. Well maybe not too much has changed.

Speaking of New Orleans, thanks for the basketball team guys! We couldn’t get one without an act of God and that’s what it took . By act of God I mean poor city planning and huge cuts in programs to reinforce levees, but I digress.

I would really like to go see a game but I don’t have any friends. Friends is code for expendable cash flow.

This past week I worked up at The Loony Bin. I had a couple of really good shows. If anyone was there, leave a comment as to how you though it went if you want. If you don’t know which comedian I was, I was not the girl with pink hair or the fifty year old dude. That ought to help.

Caught a bit of an episode of Intervention on A&E last night. Intervention is a show that follows around an addict of some sort and than ‘surprises’ him with an intervention. Usually it’s someone who is so strung out on meth or cocaine that they are at the end of their rope. People with serious addictions that effect those around them. Last night though, I think they’ve hit the bottom of the barrel. They profiled the gritty realism of what it’s like for people to live with a video game addict. What the eff? How do you run out of crack heads to profile?

As far as the video game addiction goes I could care less. It’s not like the guy was selling his body or robbing people to play video games. He was wasting his life, yeah, but we all do. Some do it through work or marriage or religion or all three. He just chose to waste his by playing video games. Cost to society? Nothing. Damage to himself? Uh, sore thumbs. That’s it!

What really got me is that he had this very nice, very attractive girl who would come over and hang out with him, but all he did was play video games. She wanted him pretty bad but he was ‘addicted’ to video games. He totally ignored her and could have cared less she was around. At that point it’s her fault if she’s upset. She knows he plays video games so move on. This leads me to the following question. At what age do women know they don’t like being with the a-hole? Those guys get all the women. All the time! I really want to see what women think about this. Is it an age issue? Please enlighten me.

I got Nine Inch Nails new one yesterday. The album is good but I just wonder why Trent Reznor is still so angry. Calm down buddy. It’s gonna be alright. I hope I’m not that angry at forty. I’m not bashing Trent, I’m just worried about his angry little heart. If he’s not careful he’ll need ‘angry-o-plasty’ surgery. SNAP! It’s jokes like that last one that explain why I’m still not getting paid to write.

My friend Chad and I are about to make sweet, sweet music together. I’m getting married in a unity ceremony to Chad this weekend. That’s right, I’m gay. Not really but I just wanted to freak that Paul dude out. Tee-hee.

Seriously though we went to Guitar World to check out what it would take to where we could produce music. Chad already had some of what we needed and it looks like we should be good to go shortly. Not that any of you care, I’m just talking about it because I can.

I talked about wanting to know why women date the a-holes and now I have another question for women. What is it about guys in bands that women like so much? I saw some of the biggest loser dorks at Guitar World yesterday with women way too far out of their league. What’s the deal? Here is what I am going to do. I’m going to buy a guitar, grow my hair out and that ought to impress the ladies. What’s that? You have to be talented? Oh well. I’m out. I guess I’ll die talentless and alone. Now I know how Toby Keith must feel.

Oh wow, I can’t believe I forgot about this. When I was at Border’s yesterday I saw one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen. “Ever Joel?” Yes. Ever. She was at Borders looking frantically for something in the magazine section. She had black hair and was wearing black glasses. She had on purple Capri pants with black high heel shoes. If you’re her, I think you looked very nice and would have liked to talk with you but I’m me and no where near in the same league as you. Just thought you’d like to know I thought you were quite attractive.

That whole last paragraph is sure to impress no one but I had to put it out there. Sorry. Nothing follows bashing Oklahoma’s own Toby Keith like a story about a girl I didn’t talk to. It’s hell to read but even worse to live. Trust me.

I’ll try to be more consistent with my ridiculous ramblings. If this entry seems crappy that’s because, well, it is, and I haven’t slept well in a while. Between my stupid day job and doing comedy all week I’m wiped out. It’s not right that you guys have to suffer by reading this. I really am sorry. The next time you see me you can punch me if it’ll make you feel better. Wait. You don’t know what I look like! Ha! I love my false sense of anonymity.

RIGHT NOW

SONG – Only by Nine Inch Nails. It’s got the catchiest bass line I’ve heard in years.

MOVIE – Seven. It’s one of my favorite movies of all time. I figured I’d try to make the movie selections horror friendly as Halloween is on it’s way. Yeah, I didn’t think you cared. It hurts when you say one thing but than you do another. I just can’t take this anymore! It’s the drinking! I’m taking the kids and leaving! Sorry. I have issues.

COLOGNE – Lacoste Silver. It’s awesome. Shut up! You don’t know. Oh wait, you do.

I’ll be better tomorrow.

Holla.

-Joel

Good afternoon OKC.

I am working on a script but I have no direction. I don’t want to make a movie about heists. We have enough of those. I don’t want to make a movie about love because that’s not realistic enough. It would be more believable if I made a movie about me robbing a bank as that is more likely than me finding a girlfriend. “Stop your damn whining Joel! Just go out and compromise. That’s what most of us do anyway.” Thanks invisible relationship guru. I’ll get right on that. I think I know what direction to go with it. I have no problem envisioning a beginning and an end, it’s all the dialogue in between that tends to get a little monotonous and meaningless. Not unlike my life! YAY!

If anyone has any tips on how to overcome this, I would appreciate any help you can give.

I read today that Wal-Mart is in the process of reinventing itself. They want to create an image conducive to attracting higher income shoppers, the likes of which Target has. They plan on doing this by carrying higher quality items. They are even in talks to acquire Tommy Hilfiger. Not the person, but the company. I really hope that doesn’t happen. Just because you put white trash in a Tommy shirt doesn’t make it any less white trash. A person can just as easily smack their barefoot kid in front of a rack of Tommy clothes as they would in front of a rack of Sam’s Choice socks.

Just because you have a better product, and you have the same consumer base doesn’t indicate the consumer has gotten smarter. There are plenty of things in this world right now that are available but the willfully ignorant choose to ignore them. They take pride in shopping at Wal-Mart and watching FOX news and voting for a man we knew was a liar. The problem is not the quality of the product but the quality of the consumer. A Tommy shirt doesn’t make up for only having one tooth and a meth problem.

I like Target. I prefer Target. I have yet to hear some moron yelling at their kid at Target. People say Target is more expensive, and it is, but not by much. People who shop at Target shop there because they want to, not because they can get a gallon of mayonnaise for a buck. I hope I live to see the day when Wal-Mart is a thing of the past.

One more thing about Wal-Mart. I like how Wal-Mart won’t carry albums with parental advisory stickers but sells R rated movies, alcohol, cigarettes and guns. “We here at Wal-Mart care about your family. We won’t carry any music with profanity in it but here’s a copy of Scarface, some Marlboros, a twelve pack of beer and a shotgun. Have fun America!”

I just can’t seem to write the missive I’m used to writing. By missive I mean pointless rant.

So they say that one shouldn’t share too much in a blog because some crazy nut ball might stalk you. Before I continue, let me say that if someone is stalking me, I hate to disappoint you, but you are stalking a loser. Please pick someone a little more ‘stalk’ worthy. Anyone other than me would be fine. Try stalking Dustin Diamond. He played Screech on Saved by the Bell and I’m sure would love any attention at this point in his so called career. If you want to stalk me I would be flattered but just save yourself the time and don’t.

I recently made a list of things that I want to do before I die. Here it is, along with reasons why I haven’t done them. It’s not entertaining but it is something I have to get out there. “We don’t care Joel. No one does.” That’s kind of what I thought but I’m doing it anyway.

In no particular order……………………….

QUIT MY JOB - That is actually the easiest and hardest one on the list. I can’t very well quit my job because I am my own source of income. I don’t have anyone in my life to help me out financially. I have supported myself since I was seventeen. Another reason I don’t want to quit my job is because if I had kids, I wouldn’t want one of them to not be able to depend on me. I’m sure they’ll hold enough against me as it is. Besides, I need a job to support my crack habit. Gots to make that chedda to buy that crack. You be knowin what I’m talkin’ bout.

GO TO EUROPE - Maybe I’ll just go with Dwight and Sarah (Two-Headed Blog) They are going and maybe they’ll adopt me before they leave. If anyone wants to adopt me I’m more than willing to make it a hassle free situation. Who doesn’t want to adopt a fully grown wit such as myself? No one? Damn.

LIVE IN NEW YORK, CANADA AND AUSTRALIA - I want to live in New York because, well, I would like to live in New York. I’ve never been there but I will say I think it will prove to be the coolest place on Earth. I would like to live in Canada because not one Bush has been leader there and they have a socialized healthcare system. How cool is that? I would like to live in Australia because Paul ‘Crocodile Dundee’ Hogan lives there. Well that’s not why but saying ‘because it looks cool’ is a pretty flimsy reason.

FIND A WIFE - There isn’t enough room on the internet to go into why I am not worthy of marrying. Trust me. If my ex-girlfriend has learned to read, and reads this, perhaps she can go into why I’m not worthy. It’ll be a good read I’m sure. Well maybe not ‘good’ so much as entertaining. I don’t know if she’ll write in each of her different personalities, but if she does it will be fantastic and informative.

ADOPT A DAUGHTER -Not that raising a son would be bad in any way but I just feel I would be more fit as the father of a daughter. I think it is something that is inherent among men to want to take care of and nurture a woman. I also know what it’s like to date someone who was treated bad by their fathers. I would hate to think that my daughter would grow up and treat some guy horribly. Here’s looking out future son-in-law.

MAKE A MOVIE - This is something I have wanted to do for years. I just don’t know how. I have a barrage of ideas but have a really tough time organizing them. It’s probably the crack.

BE ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT - I was so close this year. I could almost feel the Plinko chips in my hand. Maybe next year. Damn you bad financial choices and my crappy car!

WRITE A BOOK - A friend once told me “If you’ve read a book, you can write a book.” I don’t know if that’s true or not. Besides, someone stole my idea to write a book about the adventures of a boy wizard and his friends at a school for wizards. Stupid J.K. Rowlings. She steals everything from me.

MEET …… I want to meet the following people.

Bill Cosby - I respect him because he is a comic genius. He is responsible for modern standup.

Steven Spielberg- Other than M. Night Shyamalan he is my favorite living director. I know that’s an easy choice but it’s not like I’m ever going to meet Orson Welles or Alfred Hitchcock. It’s not much fun to converse with the dead. Believe me. I’ve talked to the dead before. It’s usually all this boring stuff about the afterlife and shout outs from dead relatives. “Shut up grandpa and let Orson talk!” It’s quite underwhelming.

David Cross - He has influenced me more than any other comedian. He manages to stay funny and completely relevant without ever being preachy.

David Letterman - I shouldn’t have to explain this one so I won’t.

Jerry Seinfeld - See above.

LEARN TO DJ - I don’t mean like the obnoxious afternoon drive time morons that are on the radio. I mean like Jam Master Jay. I bought turntables once but had to sell them because I’m so good with money. I think I would be really good on the wheels of steel. I constantly hear music and want to mix it with other music. There’s nothing funny about this at all. Sorry.

LEARN ITALIAN - This one is so stupid. I want to learn Italian because of the movie The Talented Mr. Ripley. I love that movie and I’ve always thought Italian sounded cool anyway. It will probably come in handy for when I join the mob too. That’s not on my list but boy oh boy would that be fun. I’ll wack a fella for flapping his gums to the feds. Family first ya bastid!

BE A VOICE ON THE SIMPSONS - That would be great to be immortalized as a voice on the greatest TV show of all time.

BUY THE MACH FIVE REPLICA CAR - Every time I watch Cribs on MTV I always marvel at the stupid things people buy. Gold dusted ceilings like Master P. or a marble toilet like Russel Simmons has both seem pretty ridiculous. This would be my ridiculous thing though. The Mach Five is the car from Speed Racer and you can buy an exact replica for a couple hundred grand. That would be my everyday car. I would take that thing everywhere. If I had the money to buy one I would also hire a kid and a monkey to hide in my trunk and then wherever I went they would jump out and I’d act all surprised that they snuck their way into my trunk. That would be so awesome.

I guess that’s it. Nothing too lofty. Well maybe a few things are lofty but it’s my life. Think of all the time you could have saved by not reading that drivel. Now think of what it must be like to be me and how sad you would be. Now it doesn’t seem so bad anymore, does it.

RIGHT NOW

MOVIE - Overnight. It’s a documentary about the 25 year old bartender who wrote and directed Boondock Saints with no experience whatsoever. It is funny to watch someone get theirs. That guy and his group of cronies totally blew it. They were talking smack about Miramax and the Weinsteins. Before you knew it they had all been black balled by Hollywood. Smooth move guys.

SONG - Moving by Supergrass. This song is a great inspiration to me. I really like it because it kind of makes me think that everything is going to be alright. I feel a lot different after I listen to this song than when I listen to ‘Kill Yourself Because You’re a Loser Joel’ by The Suicides.

LINE ABOUT KIDS I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT MADE ME LAUGH -“Babies are f—ing boring. Come back when you’re eight and you accidentally say something funny.” - David Cross

Holla.

-Joel

Good Sunday people. That was also the name of my favorite Christian singing group from the seventies.

The other day I made a seven dollar purchase that turned out to be the best purchase I’ve made in the past ten years. “Better than purchasing a car?” Yes, because my car is a piece. “Well what is it? We can totally wait to find out how you’re going to waste our time by writing about something stupid again.” Well I’ll tell you.

I was at Target the other day, which is so much better than Wal-Mart. Target is to Wal-Mart as Angelina Jolie is to a toothless, one-eyed, crack head. Anyway, I was hobbling through Target, as I recently had surgery on my leg, and saw a shower head. It was nothing fantastic or anything. Just an adjustable shower head. The shower head I had was so pathetic. It was like showering under a garden hose. No water pressure at all. I bought this thing and thought nothing of it. I replaced the one we had and decided to take a shower with the new one. Sweet Jesus in the morning that thing is awesome. It’s like the shower equivalent to breaking up with someone crummy and then getting a date with the funniest girl ever. Unlike funny women though, my shower head exists. YOWZA!

That wasn’t funny at all. I’m sure funny women exist. Ok. Here’s a better one. Just like funny women, my shower head won’t talk to me either. There. That was a tad less harsh and way more accurate.

“Stop trying to be funny Joel. No one wants to hear funny things after such devastation has befallen us.” Oh my gosh. I’m sorry. I had completely forgot about the earthquake in Asia. “What? No. I’m referring to two football teams losing. That’s why we’re sad.” Oh. My Mistake. I thought everyone was upset over something that matters. My bad.

Jessica Biel was recently named the sexiest woman alive by Esquire magazine. Do the people at Esquire not get Univision of Telemundo? The ugliest woman on either of those channels is ten times hotter than Jessica Biel on her best day.

Speaking of ugly women, a super rich, celebrity, hotel heiress recently broke up with her fiancee who shared the same name as her. I can’t believe there are two people on this planet named Useless Skank.

Boy George recently got arrested for having cocaine in his apartment. The shocking part of that is not that Boy George had cocaine but that Boy George is able to afford his own apartment.

That’s all I got right now. I certainly hope all the celebrities who don’t read this don’t get all bent out of shape.

I had to go to the Sprint store this week to get a new phone. My old one was so beat up it looked like it was married to Ike Turner. When I picked a phone out the lady informed me that it didn’t have a camera on it like the one I was getting rid of. I told her that was fine and she kind of got an attitude like I was missing out by not having a camera on my phone. I don’t need a camera on my phone. You know what I need a phone for? Ummmm to call people. That’s it. No one is going to a take a picture worth anything with their camera. At all. Ever. Trust me.

I really wish I had written more but my leg is bothering me. Sorry kids. Let’s get this out of the way.

RIGHT NOW

MOVIE - Narc. I don’t know how this movie isn’t more popular. It is excellent. Go out and get it now.

SONG - Do the Bus a Bus by Busta Rhymes. I can’t explain it but I like this song a lot.

TV SHOW - The Magic Bullet infomercial. It’s totally worth it.

I promise to be more witty and relevant next time.

Holla.

-Joel

Hello people.

I know the pun above is bad, and pretty irrelevant, but it’s been on my mind for a while. There is nothing in what you will read next that has anything to do with the pope or the Vatican or anything like that. There also isn’t anything about towels either. I just thought Papal Towels was funny. It wasn’t? Oh. Sorry. I wish I was perfect like you! I’ll never be as good as you though! That’s why dad loves you more! That’s why I’ll stop right now and let my inner demons work all that out in their own time.

So Lindsay Lohan was in another paparazzi related car crash. How do we not have enough pictures of any of these celebrities? Stop it. I don’t need to see Lindsay Lohan shopping. Besides, it’s not like she’s talented enough to warrant this attention. She’s not good looking. She can’t sing. The only thing perpetuating her career is the attention from the paparazzi. What a vicious beast you are celebrity! Damn you!

Let’s not vilify the paparazzi for chasing down someone like Lindsay Lohan. Let’s vilify them for chasing down someone like Princess Di. The world will never have another princess Diana but I can swing a dead cat at Citywalk and get you ten more Lindsay Lohans. Oddly enough my hobby is dead cat swinging at nightclubs. I think that was also the name of a Benny Goodman album.

I know I had mentioned that I thought Lifechurch was little more than a cult. That was probably not the direction I wanted to go with that as I honestly don’t know enough about it to say that. That was unfair. I will say that Lifechurch is just further proof that Christianity seems to be the only religion that isn’t comfortable with it’s age. “What do you mean blog fella?” Well I’ll tell you.

Every time I turn around it’s as though Christianity is getting a Queer Eye make over. If you need proof, just turn to any one of the numerous Christian TV networks we have to choose from. The pastors are now so hip they don’t even wear ties. They wear rhinestone snap western style shirts, leather wristband watches and skintight, flared jeans. If you want to appeal to the niche market of homosexual Christians, I guess that’s one way to do it. Besides, I don’t really know if I can take someone seriously who preaches about immortality that looks like they should be managing a GAP.

“You just don’t get it man! This is Christianity for today’s world!” Ok. I get it. I’m not saying it’s bad, but it is funny. “You shouldn’t care what people think! God loves you no matter what! That’s why you can call me Pastor Steve. I’m your buddy! I dress like you and talk like you! I’m your pal but I can help you with your walk with the Lord. Here! Buy one of my shirts or sermons on CD or a book that someone I know wrote!” People seem to forget that spiritual betterment is free but religion costs. The only thing I’ve gotten for free at church is the judgment of others and a complex that I might not be loving God enough because I don’t have enough money. It’s almost like dating but with way less making out.

As far as Lifechurch goes, that is a whole other beast. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Christianity presented in a more slick fashion. The founder has a bachelor’s in marketing! We’re talking about a church that has different campuses all over the city. I guess campus is a hip way of making it not seem like it’s a church, which it is. These are churches with coffee shops in the lobby. Nothing says ‘God’s love’ like paying six bucks for coffee.

In case you didn’t know, each Lifechurch is set up with a massive video and sound system which allows sermons to be broadcast simultaneously to all the campuses from one central location. What a great idea! All that money being pulled in by people doing little more than watching TV. Now that’s marketing.

Those last parts ought to garner some response from all the Lifechurch people out there. I can hardly not wait.

I wish someone would go to Pepperoni Grill at Penn Square and get me some Eggplant Parmesan. That is one of my favorite things. Go get it woman! That’s your job! You hear me?! Do it! Every now and again I have to write something that makes me sound like less of a wuss than I really am. I have no one to boss around and my cat doesn’t understand English. My cat doesn’t even exist.

I wrote that bossy part just then because I am sitting at home listening to John Mayer while thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve woken up next to someone I loved with the desire to do little more than spend the day talking. See. I told you I was a wuss.

Let’s talk about something a little less depressing. Yankees won and Boston lost! HA! I have two good friends, both named Jason, who are on opposite ends of the baseball spectrum. One has an autographed Derek Jeter jersey in his house. The other wears something Red Sox related EVERY day. They never met each other but I had told one about the other so I had to trade baseball related jabs between them. The worst/best, I hate to say was Boston Jason’s zing. He told me to tell Yankees Jason that he was “Jason Giambi’s non steroid related tumor.” Nice. I’m sure Boston Jason will have plenty of time to come up with more zingers with all that free time he’ll have NOT watching Boston play in the world series. SNAP!

I can’t believe I forgot to tell you all about this. There is a great game I encourage everyone in the OKC area to play. I work downtown and live in Norman. I would normally take I-35 home but with all the construction at Moore it’s faster, and I’ve found more fun, to take the side streets. The name of the game is called ‘Count the Prostitutes’. I stumbled upon the game as I was driving down Robinson after work one day. I was driving along, minding my own business, when I noticed a woman wave at me. I thought it odd but drove on. About a block later another woman waved and that’s when I realized I was on Robinson and those women were prostitutes. Real live prostitutes! Like from the TV! Neat-o!

The high score is five so far. Two of those ladies were changing their clothes in a field. It’s unbelievable. Driving down Robinson is like taking a safari into a wilderness of crack heads and prostitutes.

Here’s a note to the ‘working gals’ out there. If you’re reading this than you’re about to get kicked out of Kinko’s or the guy you’re with has a laptop in his car and you probably jacked it from him. Ok. I just have a few tips for you ladies.

Learn to spot money. I drive a car that’s as old as some of you. There’s your first sign I’m not looking for a ‘good time’. I ain’t got no cash. Move on.

The NBA is about to come to town. Step up your game ladies. We’ve got a pro team now and pro teams bring in money for everyone, including you. It’s called a trickle down effect. Ok. Maybe in your line of work that means something totally different but I digress.

There are things sexier than a denim overall jumper and a six year old scrunchy. Go shoplift from Ross. They won’t care and neither should you. You’re a prostitute. You should have stopped caring long ago. If you haven’t stopped caring, you should. Seriously.

Well I’m going to wrap this up as I had surgery today and am feeling weak. By ‘weak’ I mean ‘doped up on pain pills’.

RIGHT NOW

SONG -Why Georgia by John Mayer. I know he’s like Dave Matthews lite but I like him anyway. Don’t judge me and my mediocre taste in music.

MOVIE - Again, Baseketball. I picked it up for five bucks at Wal-Mart and plan on watching it in a pain pill haze. It’ll be nice to see the world through Courtney Love’s eyes for a few hours. Take that Courtney!

THING TO DO THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF - The next time you go to a gas station or grocery store or restaurant, and the person is actually helpful and does their job, thank them. Be sincere about it though. It will make them feel better about having to work wherever it is you shop. Sincerity is the key though. If they think you’re making fun of them the wrath of a minimum wage employee is fast and furious and usually involves saliva in some way.

Holla.

- Joel

Good morning OKC.

So I’m not at work. “Did you finally man up and quit your job because it is stealing your life one day at a time thus depriving the world of your wit?” No, but thanks. I have some growth on my leg that hurts like a mofo. My doctor said that antibiotics should take care of it. My doctor is super cool but I keep forgetting to tell him I’m poor white trash. He always prescribes things that cost more than my car is worth. Honestly that could be a five dollar prescription but I digress.

I got the prescriptions and rolled to the fair. Well it wasn’t the fair but there were a lot of fat toothless people with mullets. So I’m at Wal-Mart to get my prescription filled and the guy tells me that it will be over two hundred dollars. What the effing eff?! Wow. I asked if there were generic types of the prescriptions and he said no. What does it say about me as a person that I won’t buy generic cereal or cola but I’m more than willing to take pills that for all I know are mints with numbers stamped on them? I know what it says. I’m a food elitist. “I’m too good to buy ‘Captain Munch’ cereal or ‘Melveeta’ cheese but by all means make sure my medicine isn’t brand name.” I’m a dope.

I called my doctor and, surprise, he’s only in the office for about two hours a day. I got his answering service. I went ahead and got two of the prescriptions filled. That way I was only out fifty bucks. Man I wish I was Canadian.

Here is a side note to the trip to the doctor’s office. Whenever I go there, after the exam, a nurse will take you into his office where he will meet with you and then you can leave. The deal is that you sit in his office for a little while, and I don’t mind the waiting, but it’s like his office is the ‘Make Joel feel bad about himself room.’ His office is adorned with pictures of his family and them doing things while on vacation like scuba diving. It’s obvious he loves his kids more than anything. I really hope I am that kind of father. I wonder if he would adopt me. Yeah. I doubt it.

If pictures are a sign of a life well lived I’m in trouble. Here is a quick rundown of what pictures I have out in my house. “Dear God Joel we don’t care to read about that! Please don’t put us through that!” Well I’m the one with the blog and you’re not. Enjoy!

- An autographed picture of Ricky Gervais.

- An autographed picture of Bob Barker.

- An autographed picture of Cheaters host Joey Greco.

-A picture from the mid forties of my grandfather.

- Comicfest posters.

I also have a framed picture of me and my grandfather from when I was four. He’s my favorite dead relative. Oh shut up. It’s not as bad as it sounds. It is true though. I was only eleven when he died so it was pretty traumatic. He had a pretty big impact on my life though. I remember him being pretty funny and he liked to write.

You thought that reading about pictures on my wall was bad but then I hit you upside the proverbial head with a dead grandpa story. You’re welcome.

I want to marry Fiona Apple. “But Joel you’ve dated angry women before. Why put yourself through that again?” Well because if she gets her anger out through her music that means she won’t take it out on me. The last girl I dated was known to throw anger management books at me, punch me in the face and told me she hated me to the point it had no effect on me. Also, Amber had no talent at all. None. Her talent was being crazy. If everyone is born with the ability to do one thing, and do it well, her’s was being crazy. She is to being crazy as Tom Hanks is to acting or Einstein was to physics or I am to rambling on.

Fiona Apple used to date magician David Blaine. I can’t do any tricks. Wait. If she went out with me I can make one thing disappear! Her standards in dating men! You thought I meant something else didn’t you. You sick pervs.

The last I heard she was dating P.T. Anderson who wrote and directed Boogie Nights at 26. All I did was buy that movie at 26. We’re kind of alike in that sense I guess. Yeah. Enough already.

“I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat. Fiona -Apple- Dumpling Gang.” It’s things like that that run through my mind all day. And you thought you had problems.

When did The Learning Channel become the best freak show on TV? This past weekend I saw a story of a kid with a face eating tumor. It takes a lot for me to get sick to my stomach by just seeing something. I’ve seen plenty of gross things in my life but the kid with the face eating tumor almost did me in. That was so bad. Like cartoonish bad. Let me just say this to everyone reading this right now. If I ever get to the point where I can’t communicate because I have a tumor the size of a car on my face, just assume I want to die and push me in front of a train. Please. I don’t have a girl friend as it is now and I’m depressed about it. I don’t even want to think about how much harder it would be like if I had a fleshy boulder hanging off of my face.

They even cut this kids hair at one point. Yeah. Now he looks normal.

I’m not a tumor-phobe. I don’t think someone should be judged by their looks and blah blah blah. It was unsettling though.

Here’s something I don’t understand. Why is it that when good things happen the religious people praise God but then when something like Katrina happens we blame the Devil? If you believe that everything is God’s plan than that means just that, everything. Abortion, 9-11, Katrina, people dying, Satan. It’s all part of God’s plan, right? Someone explain that to me please.

So it’s October and Christmas is almost here. I know a lot (none) of you are wondering what to get your favorite Newsok blog guy. Here’s all I want. If I could get two hundred people to send me two bucks a piece I could by that iPod I want. Two bucks. That’s it. “Why should we help you get an iPod? You’re just a witty writer with little more to offer the world than strikingly good looks and super witty writings.” Well, you should send me two bucks because it’s less than a gallon of gas and I’m tired of being an iPodless dork. I have over 3600 songs on my computer but I own a walkman. A cassette walkman. Seriously. What if I were you? You would buy you an iPod. Help a brotha out. Damn.

I am about to pop some pain pills and watch some Price is Right so I’ll wrap this up.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple. I got the album this morning and it is really good. Like I said, I want to marry that broad. The only thing that stand between me and Fiona is me becoming an accomplished magician and or film maker. Maybe I could make a movie about magic! Oh wow! What a great idea that isn’t!

TV SHOW - The Price is Right. If I have to explain why than you really need to go back to whatever backwards country you came from you non Price is Right watching Communist! GET OUT!

MOVIE - Toy Story. This movie reminds of the time I went to see it at the theatre with my girlfriend at the time. All was right with the world and I could have never anticipated that that was the best year of my life so far. That’s sad. That was ten years ago. Now I’m all sad again. Thanks me.

GOOD THINGS having to do with Apple - iPods. Fiona. Pie. The Big. The Beatles label. Gwyneth’s baby. The list goes on but not much further.

Have a good day and get ready to comment because I’m gonna do some writing about the ultra popular Lifechurch and how I feel it is little more than a cult.

Holla.

-Joel