How dee.
So earlier this week our president said that he takes responsibility for the failure of the federal government to respond accordingly after hurricane Katrina. Looks like it finally happened. Someone has replaced our president with a semi-compassionate robot. It was only a matter of time. Anyone who knows me knows I have been preaching about the dangers of robot presidents for years and years. In this instance a robot replacing the president is a good thing though.
So how’s it going people? Wow. That’s too bad. It’ll get better. What? Well not with that attitude it won’t. Geez.
A friend of mine recently got some flowers and she said that they were the first she had ever been given. That really makes me sad whenever I hear that a girl has never gotten flowers. I asked some women I work with and the only time they get flowers is on anniversaries or post argument. That really sucks. Women should be given flowers for no reason at all. If you do that it will mean more because they’ll remember it. I’m not saying not to get a woman flowers on special occasions. Lord knows if you don’t do that it’s bad for everyone involved. By everyone I mean the guy.
This is totally coming from experience guys, Men need to buy women flowers more often then they do. Trust me on this.
I dunno what all that was about. Sorry.
Earlier this week I decided to do something I’d been thinking about for a while. “Quitting your job and pursuing your dream of becoming a ninja?” Close. I am now an ordained minister. Thanks to the power of the internet I am an ordained minister through the Universal Life Church. Take that seminary! I didn’t have to pay thousands of dollars to go to some crummy college. No. I just went ahead and found a web site foolish enough to ordain me, and after filling out a form, a few short hours later I was ordained. Now what? Well I’ll tell you.
Once I find out exactly what I need to do to be able to perform ceremonies in the state, I’m totally gonna perform marriage ceremonies. “But what if I’m gay?” Then I’ll perform the civil union. “But what of the sanctity of marriage?” The sanctity of marriage dies a little more each time someone cheats on their spouse or gets a divorce so shaddup! Ya hear me! Shut it! I’m sorry. I got a little ‘revivally’ on you there for a second. That’s not the kind of minister I am. Not at all.
That reminds me.
Here is something to think about that will be quick and will probably garner at least one response. There is a battle again over evolution vs. creation. Wait. I mean ‘intelligent design’. Sorry. Ponder this. What if God created evolution? If God created everything, and we have proof that things evolve, how do we know God didn’t create evolution? Ponder that while both sides are too busy trying to make the other one look bad. As an ordained minister I can present these type of theological questions now.
Moving on………………….
Comicfest 2005 is a week from this Saturday at eight pm. It is going to rock. Everyone that reads this, and likes to laugh, should call 405 270-4801. It’s ten bucks. That’s it. You can do it. Maybe you just want to show up to punch me in the face for being stupid. Maybe you want to go because I have seduced you with my words. Maybe not. Perhaps you want to go because everyone else there is a lot funnier than I am. Seriously. There is alcohol there too so come out and drink up. All that money you would normally spend on tickets to see eleven comics can now go towards getting you drunk since it’s only TEN DOLLARS. You’re welcome for that price too. You can thank me later.
We’re filming a documentary too so maybe you could become famous. Maybe you’ll be seen in a shot of the audience and some talent agent will be watching the documentary and he’ll say “Who’s that stunning individual?” and he’ll be talking about you! He’ll meet with you and give you a small part playing Julia Robert’s hair stylist or something. You’ll outshine Julia and then be asked to make an appearance on Leno where you will charm the world with your funny anecdote about how you were discovered sitting in the audience for a comedy show in OK. That appearance will get you your own sitcom which will win more Emmys than any show before it. The Emmy wins will net you the hugest movie deal in history to star opposite Tom Cruise in an action buddy picture. Tom really needs a successful picture after his bitter divorce from Katie Holmes after she left him for Angelina Jolie. You will pretty much carry the movie and become the most beloved celebrity in the history of beloved celebrities. See what you could be missing if you don’t go to Comicfest? I would hate for that happen to you. As a minister, I care. It’s my job.
It seemed there was more to say but I can’t think of anything right now. I know! You lucked out!
RIGHT NOW
SONG- Super Bon Bon by Soul Coughing. This song reminds me of my crazier days before I joined the ministry. So Monday. This song reminds me of last Monday.
MOVIE – Gonna go with Pulp Fiction. I know it’s just about the coolest movie ever but some people haven’t seen it. If you haven’t seen it I suggest you do so. I’m a minister so you have to. If you don’t you’ll go to hell. What? Yeah I know that. Because I’m a minister, that’s how!
NAMES I’M THINKING OF USING AS I’M NOW A MINISTER –
Pope Joel -Reverend Hilarity -Pastor Laughtastic -Not God-Reverend Pastor Pope- Joelsus Christ – Ricky Boombastic
Holla.
-Joel