Sometimes I see things that let me know the day is going to be good. Things that make me smile. An older couple walking hand in hand taking an early morning walk. A kid hugging his mom goodbye at the bus stop as he is ready to board the bus. Or, as was the case this morning, a heavy set woman on a scooter wearing medical scrubs with her lab coat blowing in the wind behind her. It’s not funny but I smiled anyway. Leave me alone! I can’t be funny all the time!
So this past weekend was my friend Billy’s bachelor party. We had a pretty good time. I know Billy did because he got pretty drunk. Not that pleasant “Uh-oh! I’m a wee bit tipsy.” but more of that “Dude, I love you man. Let’s go do a shot. I love this song! Wait. They already played this song one time. So I was all talking to Chad and then I…… wait I gotta sit down for a second…don’t let me drink anymore….. so I was talking to Chad and….wait….Whoo! I love this song….. wait….are they still playing the same song from a second ago or is it the same one again or…….I think I know that dude…don’t let me drink anymore man……so Chad was saying…wait…..I’m cool….let’s get another shot! Whoo!” type of drunk.
I highly recommend Citywalk for a bachelor party or something of that nature. Jackson, their party organizer, was super cool and we didn’t have to wait in line or anything. It was awesome. www.citywalkokc.com . I better get free cover from this plug.
I met a couple of girls out there who were very nice. One was very funny and super attractive and did I mention funny? I totally didn’t get her number either! Why? Aside from my being an idiot, here are a couple of reasons………..
I didn’t want to ruin it by asking for her number. I assume that annoys women. I did find out she was asking my friends about me though. Whatever.
I think my friend Dave may have told her I was someone famous. What a disappointment that would be for her. I remember one time I was buying drinks one night for a girl I thought was Angelina Jolie. Turned out to be a drag queen named Steve. I was pretty drunk.
I don’t deserve to talk to a girl that funny and with eyes that pretty. I’m just saying.
Moving on……………….
If you weigh seven hundred pounds stop eating at Taco Bell. Let’s go a step further and say that it probably wouldn’t hurt for you to stop eating altogether. I was in the drive thru at Taco Bell last night and looked into the window and saw this beast of a human wedged into the booth. It looked like someone had taken a thousand pounds of marshmallow, dressed it in a muumuu, slapped some hair on it and shoved it into that booth. It was like some sort of hairy, floral print, nightmare of an eating machine. I half expected to see Mark Hamill standing in front of her pleading for the release of his friends. Her husband, who I will assume was named Scooter or Roy or something of that nature, weighed about twelve pounds. It always seems to be that way. Some enormous beast of a woman and their scrawny, Bass Pro Shop Hat wearing, toothless husband. Maybe he’s scared to leave. Maybe he likes when someone smells like Secret and Mayonnaise. I don’t know.
Since I’ve brought this up, let’s go ahead and not allow fat people to use the electric wheelchairs at Wal-Mart anymore. Those are for the elderly or the handicapped. Those machines are built for people whose bodies are impaired, not their self control. If your legs don’t work because you’re old or have been in a accident or have a disease, fine. If you’re someone who can’t seem to not eat yours, and everyone else’s, weight in bacon and chocolate every time you eat than you don’t get to use the electric wheelchairs at Wal-Mart. Besides, how do you think the machine feels. I swear I once heard a muffled scream from one of them.
“Who are you to judge me? You’re not thin yourself Joel.” That’s true. I don’t think I’m better than anyone. I’m not judging anyone. I’m just stating a fact. Being fat is not a disease. You can’t cure cancer by jogging.
I only bring this up because I was recently at Wal-Mart and this elderly woman with a walker wanted to shop and couldn’t because some fat lady was using the only machine that was charged up. I felt bad and carried this woman piggy back through the store. It was a grand time. Nothing brightens one’s day like giving piggy back rides to the elderly. Trust me.
What’s that? Yes. I’m out of my mind. Out of my mind with caffeine and lack of sleep.
So if anyone knows a girl named Christie who is a chemical engineer let me know. Also, if you know any girls who tell people their names are Christie and that they are chemical engineers, that would be cool too. She was funny and you can’t fake funny.
More later.
RIGHT NOW
SONG – Tom’s Diner by Susan Vega. That song will be going through your mind for at least an hour now that I’ve mentioned it. You’re welcome.
MOVIE – 25th Hour. Ed Norton and Phillip Seymour Hoffman are in this one. I liked it a lot. It made me want to move to New York. It also made me want to go to prison. Weird.
SUBJECT FROM THREE YEARS AGO THAT WAS LAME EVEN THAN – Mullets. Sorry dude but it’s gone too far now.
FUNNIEST THING I HEARD ON JOEY AND HEATHER YESTERDAY CONCERNING WAYS TO PROTECT HEATHER’S CAR –
Kevin: You should rent a mean midget.
Heather: I don’t think you can rent people.
Kevin: Well borrow one than.
BEST WEBSITE YOU’RE NOT LOOKING AT – www.cheesecakejenny.com It’s not pornographic but it is profane.
BEST WAY TO GET TICKETS TO COMICFEST – If you know me than that way is good but if you’re not lucky enough to know me call 405 270-4801. DO IT!
Alright OKC. Here’s my solicitation for feedback. What is the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard that wasn’t a joke?
Holla.
- Joel