Good day literates.
I would like to start by apologizing to all the person that checks this blog for hilarity and has found that I haven’t updated it. Please forgive me. I can only imagine what it must be like to not laugh for four days as I am the only reason most people laugh. Whether it’s by them seeing me or reading my hilarious thoughts on life, I do bring the comedy. I also bring the depression and self loathing but we’ll wait for another time to go into that.
Last night I went to Hooter’s. Ok. First off, calm down feminists. It’s alright. I just went there because my buddy Greg wanted to go and I wanted to make fun of people. What I am going to tell the guys reading this right now seems like something every guy should know. It’s not tough to figure out. Ready? You don’t have a chance with a Hooter’s girl. It ain’t gonna happen for ya buddy. Sorry. Here’s why I say this. Our waitress was nice but she kept going to this table where I assume one of her ‘regulars’ sat. He was your typical Hooter’s/Strip Club patron. Between forty and sixty wearing a braided belt with Bermuda Shorts and a golf shirt. He also had a cel phone clipped to his belt. Yeah. That guy. I got the feeling that somewhere a car was going unsold in his absence. He was unloading on this waitress all of his life’s problems and then he would ask her what was going on with her. It was the most awkward exchange I’d heard in a while. The problem is that whenever she would leave he would just grin. He would grin like he had really made an impression on the girl thirty years younger than him. A girl so far out of his league the only reason she was talking to him is because she was on the clock. You got the feeling that he felt like he had a shot with her. Guess what Carl? She doesn’t care! (I call him Carl because he looked like someone who should be named Carl. Sue me.) She is there to work.
While I’m on the subject of how to treat women, let me lay down some more knowledge for you son. (I watched too much Sucka Free Sunday on MTV2 last weekend so pardon the phonetics, or lack thereof)
If a woman resists your ‘charms’ when you hit on her, that doesn’t make her a bitch, that makes you a loser. She didn’t do anything but get annoyed and that’s your fault. Get over it and stop calling the girl names.
If you are over fifty and hanging out at Hooters and hitting on the twenty year old waitress, I’ll assume you’ve made a lot of mistakes in life.
Conversation does not equal foreplay. Just because you talk to a girl at a club and you maybe buy her a few drinks, that doesn’t mean you’ve earned groping privileges. She owes you nothing. You’re the one who spent money on drinks pal. You’re the one who decided to sit there and listen to her ramble on about her purse or the latest episode of The OC. Just because you chose to do that doesn’t mean she has to do anything for you.
Women can do a lot better than you. It doesn’t matter who you are guys, she can do better. What’s that? Not you, you say? Ok. If you honestly think that you’re the richest or best looking guy she can get, always remember that Brad Pitt is still alive. I’m not saying any woman can get Brad Pitt, I’m just saying that you should treat your girlfriend or wife with the knowledge that she’s not the lucky one in your relationship. You are.
Stop being inconsiderate of women. Don’t take your girlfriend or wife to Hooters. She doesn’t like it and probably feels bad about herself as it is. She’s dating you isn’t she? SNAP!
I’ll share more of my opinions on how women should be treated later. It’s good stuff. Seriously.
So the best of OKC has come out and I have decided to post some of my own as I am unoriginal and stole the idea from another blog. At least I only steal ideas. Well ideas and hearts. You know what I’m talking bout ladies! Fo real!
Best place to yell at Toby Keith as he is minding his own business. – The Mont
Best place to be seen with a 10 – Sesame Street
Best place to see a one armed, flag waving, parking attendant – Tapwerks
Best waitress with a three syllable name that I am too afraid to talk to. - Jack-Wuh-Lynn at the Bricktown Brewery
Best Mexican Food – Pepe Delgadoes in Norman.
Best Blog – Not mine.
Best affirmation that having kids is pretty uninteresting - Whenever I hear anyone talk about themselves like they are the first people on Earth to have children. We get it. You have kids. You’re kids make you laugh. Anything else? No? Didn’t think so.
Best Fest – Comicfest ’05 at Stage Center September 24 at eight pm. For tickets call 405 270-4801
Best local OKC publication – Look@OKC. There. There’s me kissing up to corporate. Now can I please have a job? For the love of all that is holy I’m homeless. I can only post when I save up enough money from turning in cans I’ve found and then go to Kinko’s and use their computer. By Kinko’s I mean ‘some house I broke into’.
Best beer – Chimay. Love it. It’s not local, I just thought I’d mention it.
Best place to eat downtown – Markie’s deli near the memorial. It is awesome food.
Best time to move on – Right now
Speaking of right now ………..
SONG – Beverly Hills by Weezer. That is my anthem today. Just thought you’d like to know.
TV SHOW – Walker: Texas Ranger. After watching an episode of this show my roommate asked me how someone could do the same job for thirty years and still suck so bad. “He is paid to kick and react and he can only kick!”
So what one trait do women look for in a guy? Be honest lady who reads this.
I’ll post again soon girl. I promise.
Holla.
- Joel