JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

Greetings OKC.

There’s a lot to talk about so let’s go ahead and get started. I know all the person that reads this has been waiting for me to write. Here goes.

First off, let’s talk about Katrina. This is pretty bad. I do wish people would stop saying that this is ‘our tsunami’. Almost half a million people died in the tsunami. This is nothing like that. That’s like saying 9-11 was our Nagasaki. No it wasn’t. Is it horrible? Yes. Have people died? Yes. Is the majority of the loss of a material nature? Yes. I’m sure that you can buy another couch.

I wish they would stop showing the footage of Harvey Jackson. I believe that is his name. He is the older African American guy who a reporter stopped and he told her how he had just lost his wife. It is heartbreaking to hear that story. His wife is gone. It drove the reporter to tears. I was devastated when I saw that exchange. I feel even worse that he is being exploited. I do not blame the reporter. I do blame the new agencies for rolling that on what is like a continuous loop. That is the most tragic thing to happen to that guy and we have to see it over and over? Decorum is dead.

There is a huge chasm in this country between the rich and the poor. This chasm transcends the differences we have in race, sexual preference or political affiliation. I know that my little blog isn’t going to make a difference but I would like to think that it might. Even if it’s just to one rich guy. Here is some advice for you. The next time you’re evacuating the town you live in, in your SUV that seats eight, let’s go ahead and stop and pick up some poor people on the way out. I am seeing way too many people that were left behind. I know some chose to stay but some may have not been able to get out because they might not have a car. Go ahead and throw all that Eddie Bauer crap your wife made you load up the car with and make some room in your car for people to sit. Rich or poor no one wants to stay during a hurricane if they don’t have to. In the end it’s not how much money you have but how many people you’ve helped.

It’s ok. I’m getting to the humor. I have to get through all this ranting though. This will all be over in a minute.

Kudos to the President for cutting his vacation short. I’m glad that he did that. I get the feeling he really cares about this tragedy and ………what? How much oil are we not able to pump? Oh. Never mind than. I apologize for jumping the gun on commending that cowboy. He has a thirty-six percent approval rating. Pretty soon FOX News isn’t even going to be able to say anything good about him.

The National Guard is having to be called in from other states to help with the hurricane because so many of them are in Iraq. I really hope nothing else bad happens in this country. That’s not a joke. Hey, at least we don’t have to use any of our emergency reserve fuel for………oh. Never mind.

Maybe we should tell the president that the hurricane had something to do with 9-11 and then maybe we can get him to devote as much time and resources helping people as we’ve spent on the war in Iraq. Hey, that lie worked when he used it on the entire nation so maybe it will work on him.

I would like to go ahead and urge everyone to go to www.redcross.org and make a donation. It doesn’t matter how much you donate. A little can go a long way if we all help just a little bit.

When my roommate found that New Orleans was flooded he said,” Oh no! Now where will girls go wild.” I thought that was funny.

Now that I’ve alienated all the FOX News watching Bush supporters out there, I’d better stop while I’m ahead.

So this past weekend my best friend Billy got married. I kind of always thought I would be the first to get married in our little group of friends but, alas, it looks like I’ll be the last. Your loss ladies! By ladies I mean ‘me’.

I was the best man so I had to give the toast. I guess I did alright because other people told me I did. I can never tell if I am doing good at something or not. I said that Billy was proof that you don’t have to be young or good looking to get a hot wife. ZING! Take that! Yeah. I know. I could have been funnier. I suck.

I met this girl who I really liked. We talked for a long time and she made me laugh. She thought I was pretty funny too. We had a lot in common. It was great. That whole last part is what I would have written if I thought God liked me.

So this past weekend I went to go get the Comicfest posters done at Kinko’s in Norman. We had a problem with the original ones so we had to go with a different picture. I had originally gone to the one on I-240 and Penn. They were super helpful so I thought that the people in Norman would be just as helpful. What a fool I was. I walked in and when I told them what I needed the fifty year old guy who worked there just told me to go to the computer and print out a copy. I told him I wasn’t sure how to print out a poster and he looked annoyed. Now I’m not one to harp on people who work a job like that. I get it. You’re over fifty and you work at Kinko’s. Two reasons right there to drink heavily. I told him not to worry about it and I tried to print out a poster like he told me to. It didn’t come out. I decided to just go to the one on 240.

When I got up there I told them what I needed and the lady asked if I had it on disc, I did, and she helped me print it out and because one of them didn’t come out right she didn’t charge me. So the lesson is not to avoid Kinko’s altogether. Just avoid the one in Norman. Those people aren’t helpful and seem to hold it against me that they’re middle aged alcoholics who have a job at a copy store. The people on 240 were super nice and helpful and I’ll stop with this boring tale right now.

Because of the delay with posters, they won’t be up downtown until this weekend. This isn’t a selling point but I cannot stress enough how important it is to buy Comicfest tickets now. With the buzz about the documentary and based on last year’s sales we will sell out again. Besides that it will be the funniest thing you see this year. That’s only barring you don’t watch any episodes of Walker Texas Ranger. That’s the funniest show on TV. Chuck Norris has all the emotional range of someone who’s in a coma. I was gonna say Terry Schiavo but that’s so five minutes ago.

So the MTV video music awards were this past Sunday. There’s three more hours MTV owes me. I remember when my ex-girlfriend and I lived together we would wake up on a Saturday and start watching TV. We would turn to MTV and make fun of how stupid the Real World is and then seven hours later we had wasted all that time. “Oh no! Ruthie might be dead!” That was precious time wasted we could have spent arguing. Recently I have found myself being unable to turn away from Room Raiders or Date My Mom. Arguably the two most useless shows on TV but they get me every time. I don’t know why I do it. Oh yeah I’m an idiot.

Back to the Awards. The best performance of the night was Kanye and Jamie Foxx. They tore the roof off that place like a proverbial hurricane. Too soon? I’ll stop. The weakest performance was a tie between Ludicrous and Kelly Clarkson. Now I know I’ve mentioned how I like Kelly Clarkson before but why would you close the show with her? It was a pretty lame performance.As far as Luda goes, when you’re out performed by MC Hammer you might want to step up yo game fool.

The best part of the whole show was the return of Beavis and Butthead. I loved that show and if I had Bill Gates money I would totally pay Mike Judge whatever he wanted to bring them back. If I had Bill Gate’s money I would probably be too busy with all tha ladies. You know what I’m talkin’ bout! I’m such a dork.

Big G-Unit ups for Fitty Cent gettin a few f-bombs off before they could bleep it.

So I have made a commitment to my friend Brian that I will find him a girl within the next year. There’s no money on it or anything lurid like that. I just think that Brian has a lot going for him and he is my friend. “But why not help yourself Joel? You seem witty and funny.” I am. However so is Brian. The difference is that he has his stuff together. He looks like Brenden Frasier. I do not. He drives a nice car. I do not. I’m pretty sure he has money in the bank. I do not. Well not that much anyway. He’s super cool but can’t seem to find anyone. He’s young and has never cheated or messed around on anyone. I’m basically pimping my friend Brian. This should prove to be interesting.

I noticed that I have been featured in the Blog Bits of the look @ OKC. I am trying to come up with witty things that will appear in print but I can’t think of any right now. Wait! No. I don’t have it. Wait! Nope. Nothing.

So as I think the funny fuel has run out of the comedy car I’ll go ahead and end here. Read that last line again and you’ll know how unfunny I just got.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Revolution 909 by Daft Punk. It will make you wish you weren’t at work more than I’m sure you already do.

MOVIE - Sin City. I have watched it three times since I got it last week and it is really a good movie. Thank you Lord for Jessica Alba. I guess you might like me after all.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY CONTROVERSIAL TITLE OF A MOVIE BASED ON THE HURRICANE - Katrina and The Big Wet Easy.

All joking aside please visit www.redcross.org and make a donation.

Holla.

- Joel

Hola OKC.

Life can be rough. I understand that. My life’s not the best it could be but it’s definitely not ‘Guy from Color Me Badd’ horrible. The lead singer from Color Me Badd has recently been accused of not paying child support. Once known as ‘That guy from that crappy ‘band’ now many people know him as ‘That guy who gave me a good deal on Aquatreads’. Now I know he probably should have managed his money better. Even Vanilla Ice has still got some scratch from his fifteen minutes of fame. Maybe the guy who sang ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’ got screwed. Or, maybe he should man up and take care of his kids.

I just don’t understand how someone cannot take care of their kids. That kid didn’t want to be here Mr. To-the-aww-tick-tock-ya-don’t-stop. Once you have a child your life is over. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean that once you have a child your main goal on this Earth is to care for and protect that child. What you want comes second to that child’s well being. Always.

Don’t blame it on your ex either. Just because you don’t get along with your ex doesn’t give you the right to neglect your duties as a father. A child is not a bargaining chip. “She’s trying to screw me out of my money.” Sometimes that does happen. However I bet that you’ve never been a single mom. It’s not easy. It’s the most thankless job on Earth. I bet there wouldn’t be so many single mom’s if men weren’t so afraid to be responsible.

Calm down guys. I do know that there are a lot of good guys out there, and there are just as many crappy moms as there are dads. However when it comes to paying to take care of a kid it’s not usually the woman who doesn’t pay child support. It’s usually some guy who loves hanging out with his friends and drinking more than he does his kids.

If it is a money issue for him, I have an extra room at my house. He could move in with me and we could stay up while he regaled me with stories of how him and Downtown Julie Brown made out at Kurt Loder’s house one time. I’ll give him five bucks to sign my New Jack City Soundtrack CD cover. There’s plenty of things he can do.

OooooooOoooooEeeeeeeeOoooooo. He wants to beat-me-up.

So in another exercise in futility the Metropolitan Library Commission is creating a special section for children’s books that deal with ‘sensitive or controversial’ topics. This was prompted by someone who was upset that their child had read a book called King & King which portrays a gay couple. The original complaint was that children have access to books with homosexual themes. I could not agree more with this measure. I wouldn’t want my kids seeing a book about someone who is gay. I like to live my life ignoring the world around me so I would want to raise my child in the same manner. I just channeled a right-wing soccer mom for a second. Sorry about that.

I really don’t know where to begin with this.

First of all, if you don’t want your kids to read something, then police your kid a little better. Don’t make everyone else pay for your discrepancies as a parent. You’re not fighting some sort of good fight by moving a children’s book into some special section either. If anything you’re making the books seem more appealing to children. Kids want what they cannot or are not supposed to have. It’s called ‘being a kid’.

What exactly is considered controversial? I recently ran across a book at the library that could have been deemed offensive. It was rife with pornographic passages, stories of incest and violent beyond all reproof. This book was called The Holy Bible. What if someone came along and decided that there should be a special section for that book? When we start letting people determine which books are controversial we enter a very dangerous grey area. When does it stop? Why not go ahead and take all books with black characters and put them in a special section because someone might be offended that their child be subjected to black people? The same freedom that keeps the Bible available to children in a library is the same freedom that keeps books like King & King in the library. When we lose the freedom to choose we are no longer free.

I’m not saying that you don’t have the right to choose what’s harmful to your children. That’s your right. Just as it’s someone else’s right to present to their child that being gay isn’t bad. You know what’s more harmful than a drawing of two guys kissing in a book? Cigarettes, beer , war, censorship, infidelity, and pretty much everything else. Get over it. It’s a kids book, not pornography. Besides, the most harmful thing you can do to a child is teach that child to be intolerant.

I can’t help but feel that this is the result of someone thinking there is some sort of gay agenda out there. Guess what. There isn’t. I’m not gay but I’m also not a paranoid moron. No one is trying to recruit your kids to be gay. No one in the history of being gay has ever credited their being gay to a gay recruiter. “I wouldn’t have had a love for men or the works of Liza Manelli if not for my recruit, Gary. Thanks sweetie!” It’s not happening.

On with the mundane ramblings of a dope.

RIGHT NOW

SONG – Say Hello, Wave Goodbye by David Gray. This song is perfect for anyone who has been in a relationship that ended badly. So turn the lights down, grab a bottle of Smoking Loon Pinot Noir and get ready to be bittersweet.

MOVIE – When Harry Met Sally. The perfect romantic comedy. Also, the cutest Meg Ryan has ever been. Her poor, poor face.

NO THANKS TO YOU – The downtown OKC monthly did NOT put us on their calendar for Comicfest. If you don’t know what magazine this is I’ll tell you. It’s got all the journalistic integrity of an in flight magazine but it costs two dollars and when you’re done reading it you’re still in Oklahoma. Thanks a bunch.

Shout out to T-Dogg for being a loyal reader. Also thank you for promising not to shoot me if I wrote that.

Holla.

- Joel

Hello OKC.

Let me start by apologizing to those of you offended by my mini-diatribe about the obese yesterday. It was a bit harsh and I have gotten some negative feedback on it. By negative feedback I mean some verbal beatings. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings but I take responsibility for doing so and I am sorry.

My intention is not to take pot shots at easy targets either. If I did that there would be a whole lot more posts about the president, ex-girlfriends or the mentally disabled. I don’t want people to think I’m mean. To prove to you that I am sorry I’ll go ahead and let you guys know some things about me that one could use against me as they are pretty shameful.

I look like Drew Carey and John Goodman’s love child. Don’t ask. Even better don’t picture it in your mind.

I can’t read. I can only write. It is the weirdest curse ever.

My teeth are crooked. Not like Buscemi jacked but kind of crooked.

I don’t talk to women because I am ashamed of where I live and what I drive, which is actually one in the same.

I stayed up last night watching taped episodes of the Price Is Right I hadn’t seen. That’s right. I’m a loser.

Speaking of ex-girlfriends here are some of the things that have been said to me that have made me feel like crap. Dredging this up ought to complete my penance for ridiculing the obese…….

“No one thinks your funny.”

“You’re fat.”

“You’re a loser.”

“I was just pretending to be in love with your for three years to see if I was because I thought I might be eventually.”

What I said about the obese was mean and harsh and I am sorry. For future reference let me also apologize to illiterate seven year olds, that old lady who lives next door to me that looks like a man and everyone else. There. That ought to do it.

-Joel

Sometimes I see things that let me know the day is going to be good. Things that make me smile. An older couple walking hand in hand taking an early morning walk. A kid hugging his mom goodbye at the bus stop as he is ready to board the bus. Or, as was the case this morning, a heavy set woman on a scooter wearing medical scrubs with her lab coat blowing in the wind behind her. It’s not funny but I smiled anyway. Leave me alone! I can’t be funny all the time!

So this past weekend was my friend Billy’s bachelor party. We had a pretty good time. I know Billy did because he got pretty drunk. Not that pleasant “Uh-oh! I’m a wee bit tipsy.” but more of that “Dude, I love you man. Let’s go do a shot. I love this song! Wait. They already played this song one time. So I was all talking to Chad and then I…… wait I gotta sit down for a second…don’t let me drink anymore….. so I was talking to Chad and….wait….Whoo! I love this song….. wait….are they still playing the same song from a second ago or is it the same one again or…….I think I know that dude…don’t let me drink anymore man……so Chad was saying…wait…..I’m cool….let’s get another shot! Whoo!” type of drunk.

I highly recommend Citywalk for a bachelor party or something of that nature. Jackson, their party organizer, was super cool and we didn’t have to wait in line or anything. It was awesome. www.citywalkokc.com . I better get free cover from this plug.

I met a couple of girls out there who were very nice. One was very funny and super attractive and did I mention funny? I totally didn’t get her number either! Why? Aside from my being an idiot, here are a couple of reasons………..

I didn’t want to ruin it by asking for her number. I assume that annoys women. I did find out she was asking my friends about me though. Whatever.

I think my friend Dave may have told her I was someone famous. What a disappointment that would be for her. I remember one time I was buying drinks one night for a girl I thought was Angelina Jolie. Turned out to be a drag queen named Steve. I was pretty drunk.

I don’t deserve to talk to a girl that funny and with eyes that pretty. I’m just saying.

Moving on……………….

If you weigh seven hundred pounds stop eating at Taco Bell. Let’s go a step further and say that it probably wouldn’t hurt for you to stop eating altogether. I was in the drive thru at Taco Bell last night and looked into the window and saw this beast of a human wedged into the booth. It looked like someone had taken a thousand pounds of marshmallow, dressed it in a muumuu, slapped some hair on it and shoved it into that booth. It was like some sort of hairy, floral print, nightmare of an eating machine. I half expected to see Mark Hamill standing in front of her pleading for the release of his friends. Her husband, who I will assume was named Scooter or Roy or something of that nature, weighed about twelve pounds. It always seems to be that way. Some enormous beast of a woman and their scrawny, Bass Pro Shop Hat wearing, toothless husband. Maybe he’s scared to leave. Maybe he likes when someone smells like Secret and Mayonnaise. I don’t know.

Since I’ve brought this up, let’s go ahead and not allow fat people to use the electric wheelchairs at Wal-Mart anymore. Those are for the elderly or the handicapped. Those machines are built for people whose bodies are impaired, not their self control. If your legs don’t work because you’re old or have been in a accident or have a disease, fine. If you’re someone who can’t seem to not eat yours, and everyone else’s, weight in bacon and chocolate every time you eat than you don’t get to use the electric wheelchairs at Wal-Mart. Besides, how do you think the machine feels. I swear I once heard a muffled scream from one of them.

“Who are you to judge me? You’re not thin yourself Joel.” That’s true. I don’t think I’m better than anyone. I’m not judging anyone. I’m just stating a fact. Being fat is not a disease. You can’t cure cancer by jogging.

I only bring this up because I was recently at Wal-Mart and this elderly woman with a walker wanted to shop and couldn’t because some fat lady was using the only machine that was charged up. I felt bad and carried this woman piggy back through the store. It was a grand time. Nothing brightens one’s day like giving piggy back rides to the elderly. Trust me.

What’s that? Yes. I’m out of my mind. Out of my mind with caffeine and lack of sleep.

So if anyone knows a girl named Christie who is a chemical engineer let me know. Also, if you know any girls who tell people their names are Christie and that they are chemical engineers, that would be cool too. She was funny and you can’t fake funny.

More later.

RIGHT NOW

SONG – Tom’s Diner by Susan Vega. That song will be going through your mind for at least an hour now that I’ve mentioned it. You’re welcome.

MOVIE – 25th Hour. Ed Norton and Phillip Seymour Hoffman are in this one. I liked it a lot. It made me want to move to New York. It also made me want to go to prison. Weird.

SUBJECT FROM THREE YEARS AGO THAT WAS LAME EVEN THAN – Mullets. Sorry dude but it’s gone too far now.

FUNNIEST THING I HEARD ON JOEY AND HEATHER YESTERDAY CONCERNING WAYS TO PROTECT HEATHER’S CAR –
Kevin: You should rent a mean midget.
Heather: I don’t think you can rent people.
Kevin: Well borrow one than.

BEST WEBSITE YOU’RE NOT LOOKING AT – www.cheesecakejenny.com It’s not pornographic but it is profane.

BEST WAY TO GET TICKETS TO COMICFEST – If you know me than that way is good but if you’re not lucky enough to know me call 405 270-4801. DO IT!

Alright OKC. Here’s my solicitation for feedback. What is the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard that wasn’t a joke?

Holla.

- Joel

Good morning Oklahoma City and other areas where there are people.

The filming of The DaVinci Code movie is underway in Europe right now. The movie is based on the book of the same name by author Dan Brown. The book makes some bold claims about the life of Christ. People have even shown up to the movie set protesting the movie. What? That’s right. Time for cynicism laced logic.

I completely understand where people might be angry about what they have read in this book. I too cannot seem to be passionate about things that matter. I’m constantly ignoring the war, our country and the mistreatment of people in general for more important things like books about wizards or Jesus. Forget about dead soldiers, abused kids or your failing marriage, let’s concentrate on a work of fiction.

Maybe I’m wrong about this. Maybe I’m the only one who isn’t forced to read books I disagree with or watch shows I don’t want to watch. What? No one is forced to read things they don’t want to or watch things they don’t want to or hear things they don’t want to? Entertainment is a personal choice? Wow. Amazing. Turns out entertainment is a choice. Just like everything else.

That whole last thing about the book and movie was something I hadn’t intended to write about but the pun ‘Pope Fiction’ was too good to waste. Sorry about all the preachy stuff again. It’s early and I kind of feel guilty about it. Sorry. Don’t hate me girl. This time will be different. That other stuff didn’t mean nothing to me girl. Come back……………….

So my buddy never called the girl that knows Jack-Wuh-Lynn. That’s the end of that. Thanks buddy.

Tonight is bachelor party kaboom for my friend Billy. I am the best man which is super cool. I’ve never been the best man at anything. I’m not talking about just weddings either. I suck pretty bad at everything. I guess In the Saved By The Bell of life someone has to be Screech.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - From Rusholme Withe Love by Mint Royale- It’s the song that plays at the beginning of Vanilla Sky where Tom Cruise is running through Times Square.

MOVIE - Vanilla Sky. Like everything Cameron Crow does this movie is horribly underrated.

OF THE TWO GIRLS IN THE MOVIE - Penelope Cruz. She seems to be pretty funny and nice in the movie. I also don’t like that Cameron Diaz looks like a PEZ dispenser.

PLACE I’LL BE TONIGHT FOR MY FRIEND’S BACHELOR PARTY - Citywalk. Stop by and say hi. That’ll be nice and awkward.

I wish this had been better. You guys deserve so much more than my ramblings. I’ll continue to try to bring you the best free comedy this side of reading Family Circus. “Mom? What’s ‘pasketti’?” Oh Billy.

Pope Fiction was damn funny and you know it.

Happy birthday mom.

Holla.

-Joel

Good day literates.

I would like to start by apologizing to all the person that checks this blog for hilarity and has found that I haven’t updated it. Please forgive me. I can only imagine what it must be like to not laugh for four days as I am the only reason most people laugh. Whether it’s by them seeing me or reading my hilarious thoughts on life, I do bring the comedy. I also bring the depression and self loathing but we’ll wait for another time to go into that.

Last night I went to Hooter’s. Ok. First off, calm down feminists. It’s alright. I just went there because my buddy Greg wanted to go and I wanted to make fun of people. What I am going to tell the guys reading this right now seems like something every guy should know. It’s not tough to figure out. Ready? You don’t have a chance with a Hooter’s girl. It ain’t gonna happen for ya buddy. Sorry. Here’s why I say this. Our waitress was nice but she kept going to this table where I assume one of her ‘regulars’ sat. He was your typical Hooter’s/Strip Club patron. Between forty and sixty wearing a braided belt with Bermuda Shorts and a golf shirt. He also had a cel phone clipped to his belt. Yeah. That guy. I got the feeling that somewhere a car was going unsold in his absence. He was unloading on this waitress all of his life’s problems and then he would ask her what was going on with her. It was the most awkward exchange I’d heard in a while. The problem is that whenever she would leave he would just grin. He would grin like he had really made an impression on the girl thirty years younger than him. A girl so far out of his league the only reason she was talking to him is because she was on the clock. You got the feeling that he felt like he had a shot with her. Guess what Carl? She doesn’t care! (I call him Carl because he looked like someone who should be named Carl. Sue me.) She is there to work.

While I’m on the subject of how to treat women, let me lay down some more knowledge for you son. (I watched too much Sucka Free Sunday on MTV2 last weekend so pardon the phonetics, or lack thereof)

If a woman resists your ‘charms’ when you hit on her, that doesn’t make her a bitch, that makes you a loser. She didn’t do anything but get annoyed and that’s your fault. Get over it and stop calling the girl names.

If you are over fifty and hanging out at Hooters and hitting on the twenty year old waitress, I’ll assume you’ve made a lot of mistakes in life.

Conversation does not equal foreplay. Just because you talk to a girl at a club and you maybe buy her a few drinks, that doesn’t mean you’ve earned groping privileges. She owes you nothing. You’re the one who spent money on drinks pal. You’re the one who decided to sit there and listen to her ramble on about her purse or the latest episode of The OC. Just because you chose to do that doesn’t mean she has to do anything for you.

Women can do a lot better than you. It doesn’t matter who you are guys, she can do better. What’s that? Not you, you say? Ok. If you honestly think that you’re the richest or best looking guy she can get, always remember that Brad Pitt is still alive. I’m not saying any woman can get Brad Pitt, I’m just saying that you should treat your girlfriend or wife with the knowledge that she’s not the lucky one in your relationship. You are.

Stop being inconsiderate of women. Don’t take your girlfriend or wife to Hooters. She doesn’t like it and probably feels bad about herself as it is. She’s dating you isn’t she? SNAP!

I’ll share more of my opinions on how women should be treated later. It’s good stuff. Seriously.

So the best of OKC has come out and I have decided to post some of my own as I am unoriginal and stole the idea from another blog. At least I only steal ideas. Well ideas and hearts. You know what I’m talking bout ladies! Fo real!

Best place to yell at Toby Keith as he is minding his own business. – The Mont

Best place to be seen with a 10 – Sesame Street

Best place to see a one armed, flag waving, parking attendant – Tapwerks

Best waitress with a three syllable name that I am too afraid to talk to. - Jack-Wuh-Lynn at the Bricktown Brewery

Best Mexican Food – Pepe Delgadoes in Norman.

Best Blog – Not mine.

Best affirmation that having kids is pretty uninteresting - Whenever I hear anyone talk about themselves like they are the first people on Earth to have children. We get it. You have kids. You’re kids make you laugh. Anything else? No? Didn’t think so.

Best Fest – Comicfest ’05 at Stage Center September 24 at eight pm. For tickets call 405 270-4801

Best local OKC publication – Look@OKC. There. There’s me kissing up to corporate. Now can I please have a job? For the love of all that is holy I’m homeless. I can only post when I save up enough money from turning in cans I’ve found and then go to Kinko’s and use their computer. By Kinko’s I mean ‘some house I broke into’.

Best beer – Chimay. Love it. It’s not local, I just thought I’d mention it.

Best place to eat downtown – Markie’s deli near the memorial. It is awesome food.

Best time to move on – Right now

Speaking of right now ………..

SONG – Beverly Hills by Weezer. That is my anthem today. Just thought you’d like to know.

TV SHOW – Walker: Texas Ranger. After watching an episode of this show my roommate asked me how someone could do the same job for thirty years and still suck so bad. “He is paid to kick and react and he can only kick!”

So what one trait do women look for in a guy? Be honest lady who reads this.

I’ll post again soon girl. I promise.

Holla.

- Joel

Good evening OKC. I hope everyone had a stellar weekend.

So Friday night I went to The Bricktown Brewery to see the Reverend Horton Heat. They were awesome. I had a really good time and also got to see Jack-Wuh-Lynn. No I didn’t talk to her. She wasn’t even in our section. My friend Adam met someone who was really cool and who knows Jack-Wuh-Lynn so we’ll see how that goes. What’s that? Well I know I don’t have a chance. You don’t have to rub it in. Jeez.

Saturday night I went to Citywalk again. I went there with a friend of mine who hadn’t been out in a long time so that’s why I went. It’s good that I keep denying I’m not the type of guy who goes there a lot but here we are again. I’ll also be there next Saturday for a bachelor party I’m throwing. Wow. Anyway, I saw three things that made the entire trip worth it. Here they are………

1. I saw a dude get thrown down the stairs that are right near the entrance. Man was it funny. He got up and started swinging at the bouncers. That’s a smooth move genius. This guy was drunk, had just fallen down some stairs and still had some fight in him. By fight I mean stupidity. The bouncers at Citywalk are huge and not about to mess around with anyone causing problems.

I have noticed that whenever someone gets thrown out of a club there is always someone behind whoever it is getting thrown out yelling. “Let him go! He’s just drunk. I’ll take care of him.” Yeah. I’m pretty sure the guys who have tied your friend’s arms into a knot behind his head and are throwing him out of the club are gonna listen to you Einstein.

2. Right before we left, Adam, Brian and myself were standing there and this tiny little man comes up to us and he puts his hand on my shoulder. I have no idea who he is. He looks at me and says “Mrrm neer furble darp mook”. I just looked at him and said “I don’t know what you’re saying right now. Not a clue.” He just stood there for a second longer until his equally tiny friend came up and got him. They were either jockeys or the nicest dressed bookends I’ve ever seen. “Don’t make fun of the smaller statured Joel. Just because you’re an oversized monstrosity doesn’t give you the right!” I know it doesn’t. I’m just ticked that neither one of them offered me a pot of gold or free tickets to Remington Park. There’s your one-two comedy punch! Yowza!

3. Let me preface this by saying that this was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed. I know people say that a lot and then when they tell you it’s no where near as good as the person led you to believe it was. My friend Adam even mentioned that there is no way that what we saw could possibly be explained, but against my better judgment I am going to try.

We were in the Boogie Nights section of the club which plays the greatest hits of the seventies and eighties. It’s like Magic 104 only with more paralegals and less commercials. Anyway, we were standing there listening to Rick Springfield when I looked over at Adam. He was looking up at this elevated dance floor they have in there. Here’s where it gets funny. “Funnier than listening Rick Springfield?” Yes. Even funnier than that. There was a guy on the dance floor that had to be in his mid-forties and looked like Jon Lovitz in A League of Their Own where he had that tiny little moustache. This guy was dancing with a very attractive, but equally clueless, girl who was probably about twenty-five. Understand they weren’t dancing in their own space like normal drunk people. They were utilizing the entire elevated dance floor to execute their drunken dancing. They danced with all the enthusiasm of an ice skating team and even used some of the same moves. The problem/reason this was so funny is that neither of them had any rhythm. At all. It was like watching two blind people on roller skates try to wave away bees.

Since I don’t want to offend the blind I’ll write that last joke in Braille.

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So now I’ve included everyone.

Adam, Brian and myself stood there and watched the debacle for a good ten or fifteen minutes. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Perhaps ever. The guy kept doing this thing with his hands like when a magician completes a trick and uses flashy hand gestures to accentuate whatever it was he had just done. At one point the girl elbowed him in the face, accidentally, and he just smiled and pointed like Travolta and continued to clap and dance like a chubby furbee. It was great. I am still laughing about it.

I ate lunch this weekend at the Pepperoni Grill at Penn Square. I guess it was bring your obnoxious screaming kid to the mall day. I wish I had known that. Why is every child named Cody, Tyler, Dakota or Ashley? There are more names than that white people. Come on.

I love Pepperoni Grill because it is really good food and the wait staff is really nice. Well not Jack-Wuh-Lynn nice but you get it. What’s that? No. I’m not going to go talk to her. That would be embarrassing for everyone involved. So Pepperoni Grill. Oh yeah. I like that place a lot. That’s all I have to say about that. Riveting eh?

RIGHT NOW

SONG – Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson – This song is what waking up on a rainy day should be. Just calling into work and staying home all day with your girlfriend. Well not your girlfriend. I wouldn’t do that to you dude. Seriously. Put that down! It was a joke! She is hot though. Kidding! I’m kidding. No! Of course she’s hot I just meant that……. And that’s the end of that stupid joke.

MOVIE – Close Encounters of The Third Kind. That movie is one of the few movies that still scares me. That scene where the alien is coming in through the air duct in the floor scared me so bad when I was kid I was afraid to go anywhere near a floor duct. Well the movie and that I was actually kidnapped by aliens who came up through the vent may have had something to do with my fear.

WORST THING I DID THIS WEEKEND – Watched about ten minutes of the Scott Baio and Willie Aames super movie Zapped! Wow is that movie bad. What ever happened to Scott Baio? What? He cooks at a Waffle house in Pasadena. Oh. Good to know. Thanks.

MY ATTEMPT TO GET PEOPLE TO GIVE ME FEEDBACK AND LEARN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN THINK – Why do people cheat?

Holla.

- Joel

Here it is. The official poster for Comicfest. These will start going up downtown within the next couple of weeks but I thought I’d let all the person who reads this get a look at it first. Send it to your friends. Save it as wallpaper or just make fun of it. Any one of those is good.

-Joel

So last night I went to Buffalo Wild Wings in Moore. Why? Because that is where I ended up. In yo face mamacita! I don’t know. Too much caffeine. Sorry. BWW is really special. I don’t know where else I could hear Lynard Skynard while…………DAMMIT! I just spilled coffee all down my shirt! It hurts and now I look more retarded than usual. Damn. What was I talking about? Oh yes. The searing hot coffee staining my shirt and burning me! Holy crap does this hurt! Sweet mother of java does this burn! Jiminy Christmas and other related and altered expletives!

Isn’t BWW an acronym for dating services like Big White Woman or something? I don’t know.

Our waitress was ok. She was no Jack-Wuh-Lynn from the brewery though. I looked at my friend and told him I wanted Jacquelyn as our waitress and that’s when he slapped me and told me to shut up about her already.

We left before Karaoke started, which was good. If I wanted to hear crappy music sung by sub par ‘singers’ I would have gone to the American Idols show. SNAPAROONY! In your face Bo Bice! Ha!

It turns out that Carrie Underwood read what I wrote about her and cancelled our date. Thanks a lot Carrie. My heart is broken and now I’ll have to devise some other devious way to get free candy for life.

I am in a pretty goofy mood. “Is it the mescaline?” You bet it is! Wait. Does mescaline mean coffee? It doesn’t. Well never mind than.

I think I got burnt so bad just now that my chest is going to end up looking like Edward James Olmos’ face. There goes that calendar modeling job I didn’t think about until I wrote this line.

COMICFEST TICKETS ARE ON SALE NOW! They are ten dollars before the show and fifteen day of. It is at Stage Center in Downtown OKC on Saturday September 24 at eight pm. For tickets you can call 405 270-4801.

I will be at the Reverend Horton Heat show tomorrow night at The Brewery so make sure you go up to every gargantuan headed stranger you see and ask them if they’re me. If it isn’t me it will be pretty weird for you. If it is me it will be even weirder because in a way you’re stalking me. Either way you’ll be disappointed.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Get Your Freak On by Missy Elliot – This song is one of the best songs to get you going I’ve ever heard. I want to learn to spin just so I can spin this song. It’s a shame I doubt I’ll be able to ever spin vinyl though. I am half pirate and have a hook for a hand. That makes a whole lot of things awkward.

MOVIE – When Harry Met Sally – I love this movie because it is funny and also it shows a pre-botoxed Meg Ryan. Remember that? Back when she was cute? Yeah. That seems like a lifetime ago. Poor poor Meg.

NEXT POSTING – It will be witty and I’m pretty sure self deprecating.

Holla.

-Joel

I know I’m probably going to regret posting this. I will be surprised if this doesn’t garner a comment or two. Anyway, here goes……….

American Idol winner Carrie Underwood is going to be at a press conference today being held at the capitol . Our governor, Brad Henry, is going to announce that some street signs in her hometown will now have her name on them. They will now read “Checotah – Home of Carrie Underwood” . That is much better than their old sign that said “Checotah – Home to Someone That Might Win a Contest Someday”

Please understand that I don’t have a problem with Checotah. I’m sure it is a great town. I also don’t have a problem with Ms. Underwood. I’ve never met her but she is very attractive and seems like a nice person. She also makes me want to purchase one of the many fine items from the Hershey family of products.

I just think that we are too quick to recognize people who have done nothing. Whether it is a gymnast or a contest winner we sure are quick to adorn them with praise. “What’s that? You won that there singin contest? Well let’s have us a big press conference and talk about putting your name on that there street sign! Yee-haw!” That’s good.

What about people not lucky enough to have been on TV? Doctors, teachers, and soldiers are just a few groups of people I can think of. I think that these people aren’t recognized because they don’t crave it. They don’t need to be told all the time how great they are. They don’t need their name on a street sign. These people save our lives, teach our kids and die for our country. Maybe we should spend more time recognizing people who have made legitimate contributions to society instead of contest winners.

This is gonna make my date with Carrie really awkward.

RIGHT NOW

SONG – Flake by Jack Johnson. “It seems to me that ‘maybe’ it pretty much always means ‘no’.” That is such a good line. I love Jack Johnson. I also love whiskers on kittens and brown paper packages tied up with string. I also love being an Austrian nanny who teaches through song.

MOVIE – Top Gun. My favorite Tom Cruise movie about a young guy who plays by his own rules. A guy who has to prove himself while living under the shadow of his father’s accomplishments. A guy who is reckless in his ways but wins everyone over with his charms. Not unlike almost every Tom Cruise movie ever made.

PERSON I OWE A HUGE APOLOGY TO – Ms. Underwood. It’s not you, it’s everyone else. I promise girl.

Holla.

-Joel