JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

Good evening OKC. I hope you had a good weekend.

Got the pictures back for the Comicfest poster. My brother did a great job. After the pictures were taken we went to Coach’s at the ball park. It was alright I guess. They had some really cool Yankees memorabilia in there. What? Yes they had Sooner stuff in there too. Calm down. The view of the park is really nice. There is something very pure and innocent about a baseball field. What? It’s a game that doesn’t involve a football. What? Yes. That thing that Kevin Costner built when Obi Wan Kenobi told him to. I don’t know why I type my responses to the part of my inner monologue that has mental problems. Oh yeah. It’s hee-larry-us! Moving on…………….

I occasionally get some comments on what I write. Allow me to respond to one.

I enjoy reading most of your musings (thank you) except it appears you must be ultra liberal (what?) with your diatribes (huh?) on our president (oh yeah). Otherwise, keep up the work. Notice I didn’t say ‘good’ work! (yowza!) ……… lol (imf - In My Face!) ….j/k! (Oh.Sorry.)

It took longer than I anticipated but I guess I’ll go ahead and address this now.

I am trying to keep this blog as interesting as possible without trying to come across like some preachy, agenda driven, egocentric. I do believe certain things and that might come across from time to time. I am not ultra-liberal. I’m not even super-duper liberal. I’m like diet liberal with a lemony twist of conservative. I’m actually a ‘think for myself’ individual who’s not afraid to stand up for what he believes but I am also not afraid to admit when I’m wrong about something. I’ve had to admit I’ve been wrong about plenty of things. The last girl I dated comes to mind. ZING!

About the diatribe thing? The word diatribe is defined as being a bitterly abusive criticism. I don’t think what I have said about the president is bitter. I don’t think it was abusive. I do think it was my opinion though. I might be wrong. He may be the greatest president in history. He may end up ridding the world of all terrorism. He might even start looking out for the working class and impoverished in this country. He might begin to see that it’s okay to admit when he’s wrong and admit it to the people who look to him for leadership. He might stop caring so much about people who actually do want to get married and start worrying about the abuse suffered by some women and children in this country by straight husbands and fathers. He might start making sure the people he has put in harm’s way are taken care of as well as their families. He might stop using people’s very personal spiritual beliefs to get what he wants. He might wake up tomorrow and realize that there are other people in this world. Until any of that happens I guess I’ll have to base my opinion on fact and will proudly continue to be labeled an ‘ultra liberal’. That’s a much better label than ‘worst president ever’.

Now that’s a diatribe. Back to the funny!

If you’re at an intersection and the guy in front of you is in a convertible with the top down and you yell about the guy in front of you not moving, only instead of the word ‘ guy’ you use a word that starts with an ‘f’ and ends in a ‘k’ and it’s not fork or funk, and you forgot you’re window is down, remember that he can hear you and will probably flip you off. I’m just saying.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys. I love them and have yet to see them live. Once that happens I can die. Well that or right after my heart stops. One of the two I’m sure.

TV SHOW - The Comeback on HBO. I have heard people say it’s a rip off of The Office, and there are parallels, but the show is still funny. It’s probably the best show Lisa Kudrow has ever done. And no, I didn’t forget Friends.

MOVIE - In America. That is one of my favorite movies and one of the most unappreciated movies of all time. A word of warning though. I watched the last twenty minutes of it this morning on HBO and then immediately turned it to The Three Stooges. I experienced what can only be described as an emotional brain freeze.

BEST MOVIE ABOUT A KID FROM NEW JERSEY NAMED DANIEL RUSSO AND HOW HE MOVES TO RECITA CALIFORNIA AND LEARNS KARATE FROM A WISE OLD ASIAN MAINTENANCE MAN WHICH HELPS HIM DEFEAT JOHNNY THE JERKY BOYFRIEND OF THE GIRL HE LIKES IN THE ALL VALLEY KARATE TOURNAMENT THUS HUMILIATING THE COBRA KAI DOJO WINNING THE GIRL AND IN THE PROCESS LEARNING A LITTLE BIT ABOUT LIFE AND A LOT ABOUT HIMSELF- Gremlins 2:The New Batch

Holla.

-Joel

The new Look @ OKC is out and it is full of pictures that have given me a little insight into what women like. Turns out it’s not money or good looks or nice cars. Turns out what women like are reasonably priced hot wings. Looks like the hottie train’s last stop was Buffalo Wild Wings! Who’s with me?! No one? That’s what I thought.

A little league baseball umpire in Massachusetts recently told a group of little league players that speaking Spanish during the game was prohibited. Well, ump who won’t ever read this, like it or not, Spanish is the new English. Whenever I hear someone get all ticked off that someone is speaking Spanish I think it just allows their ignorance to shine through more effectively than their wearing a NASCAR t-shirt ever could. “If they wanna live here than they need to learn to speak the language.” Really? The United States does not have an official language. That’s one of the things that makes this country great.“Well the majority of the country speaks English so they should learn it.” The majority of the country also watches FOX news and reelected the worst president in history as well. Put that in your proverbial pipe and smoke it mi amigo.

Just a side note for you folks. If you take a couple of Tylenol PM and then start listening to some house music, it’s almost like a rave. The only thing missing is a sixteen year old Asian girl wearing fairy wings, pony tails, baggy pants, and a fading princess Leia ringer-t, dancing around with glow sticks as though she were fighting an invisible force that could only be defeated with a complex series of spins and kicks. So there’s that.

It is a bad week to be a Boy Scout. Four scout leaders got electrocuted. Two days later a slew of scouts fell ill as a direct result of the intense heat. Just yesterday an entire troop gets struck by lightening. I have a theory on that. A couple of years ago there was that big to do over a scout leader getting kicked out because he was gay, even though, as with everything, being gay didn’t effect his ability to do his job well. Ponder this. The Bible states “‘Vengeance is mine.’ saith the Lord.” It didn’t give a time line on that vengeance. I think God hates all intolerance and he will have his vengeance but he’s a busy guy. He’s God. He’s just now getting to that Boy Scout thing for what they did to that guy and that was two years ago. I just can’t wait to see what he’s got up his holy sleeve for those guys from Enron and child abusing priests. It’s gonna be well worth the wait.

I ate lunch at Chick-Fil-A yesterday. “But you’re a vegetarian Joel. How did that work?” Well I’ll tell you my imaginary and inquisitive inner monologue. I was with my friend Greg and he wanted to eat there so I figured surely they would have something that didn’t have meat on it. Ok, so I was wrong. Again. The streak remains unbroken! I saw where they had a Chicken Caeser Wrap so I got that and just took the chicken out of it. Greg asked why I just didn’t order it without meat. Here is why I don’t special order anything from a fast food restaurant. The guy who works there gets crappy pay for crappy hours and the last thing he wants to do is take a special order from some dope like me. I laugh whenever friends of mine special order something from a fast food place and it’s wrong. “I told the guy no tomatoes on my chalupa and he messed it up. I can’t believe that.” You can’t believe the kid that works the Taco Bell drive thru at two in the morning for six bucks an hour didn’t tell the ‘cook’ about your not wanting tomatoes on your dollar chalupa? Yeah. That guy sucks.

So there’s a whole paragraph you could have gone your whole life without reading. You’re welcome.

Today is the day we are doing the pictures for the Comicfest poster. I can’t say where we are getting it taken because I don’t want to be mobbed by all the person that might read this. I’m talking to you faceless blog buddy!

RIGHT NOW

SONG- Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby by the Counting Crows. I have no idea what this song is about but it is beautiful. My favorite line from the song - “The price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings.” See. I’m not all jokes and snide remarks about the ignorant. Well not entirely.

MOVIE - Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy - HBO is running it right now and I forgot how funny that movie is. “I’m Ron Burgundy?”

PLACE I’LL PROBABLY HAVE LUNCH - Pepe Delgadoes. Heads up to the stalker I don’t have but wish I did. I’ll be there between one and two!

MOST OBSCURE AD CAMPAIGN - The radio and TV spots warning of the dangers of playing on abandoned well sites. I hadn’t event thought about a well site as a cool place to go until those commercials. Now me and friends hang out at abandoned well sites all the time. We have a blast just hanging out and climbing well sites. My friends and I now call ourselves the Well Site Gang and sometimes we solve crimes.

Holla.

-Joel

Yo Oklahoma. How about this? YO-Klahoma. That’s a good one. Maybe I could open a breakfast only restaurant and call it Yolk-lahoma. Here’s another idea. Maybe I should stop being stupid and get on with being a dork again. Yippie!

Comicfest is coming along perfectly. We are shooting the picture for the poster this weekend. It is amazing how smoothly everything is going this year. I think it is because the most negative element of last year is not a problem this year. It is truly a great thing. What negative element you ask? Let’s just refer to him as he whose name shall not be spoken. That’s right. Star of Renegade, Lorenzo Llamas. That loser.

So someone left a comment about how I would probably not find ‘the one’ at a bar. I need to make sure that people understand I’m not a bar guy. I’ve never been under the impression I would find a girlfriend at a bar. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen but I just don’t think it’s likely.
Let’s take that one step further. The likelihood of me finding a girl patient enough to tolerate the hilarity that is dating me, is not good. I’m just saying is all.

This is just something I had to put out there in the event this person I saw walking around downtown today might stumble upon this festival de humor. If you are a straight man over forty and not a thirteen year old girl or a gay man, please don’t wear a t-shirt with Britney Spears on it. Please. You might not know it but you’ve crossed that invisible line that lies between guy in a t-shirt and guy people are afraid to let their children near. For the good of society please don’t wear that shirt again.

I promised pictures and I’ll give you pictures. I also promised to give all my money to an organization that charged me eight bucks for a bumper sticker that says ‘I Love My Wife’. I don’t even have a wife. Those Promise Keepers sure are crafty. On with the visuals!

I like this picture a lot. I also like reruns of Save by the Bell and “CHiPs”. That’s right. I’m smooth.

Just a note about this picture. Not but two minutes before I took this there was some woman making her thirteen year old granddaughter smile while she posed for a picture. Ok. I get taking a picture of the memorial. I get taking a picture of your granddaughter. I don’t get taking a picture of your granddaughter at the memorial for the worst tragedy this state has ever seen. Exercising decorum isn’t such a bad thing.

Here is a picture of the building next to the one I work in. That’s all. No funny quips or witty sayings. It’s a building. That’s it. You don’t have to laugh ALL the time y’know. Ok. Sure you do. I feel bad so here is what no one has been waiting for. A picture of me. Now all the person that reads this can put a face with a blog. Here you go.

What lady could pass up a smoove looking dude like that? Ok. So it’s not me. I’m nowhere near as cool as that dude. Someday I’ll be brave enough to stop hiding behind my words and quips. Someday.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Cry Me A River by Justin Timberlake. What? We can’t all have good taste in all things all the time. Ok. Here’s one to redeem me. Better Together by Jack Johnson. I will meet a girl someday and I will put that song on a mix CD for her and whenever she hears it she’ll smile because there is someone out there who has a better life because of her. Until that happens, Timberlake it is.

MOVIE - Airplane. One of the greatest comedies of all time.
“Do you like movies with gladiators?”

STUPIDEST MANAGEMENT THING I HEARD TODAY - “I need you to step up to the plate because I need all hands on deck.” Moron.

So that’s it for now people. Have a wonderful day or night or whatever. If you’re reading this at work remember that you are more than likely better than what you do and deserve to be treated better. Don’t stay where you are. If you aren’t better than where you work just be glad you have that sweet president job.

Happy Birthday A-Rod.

- Joel

Good evening OKC.

Allow my dorky self to stand atop my imaginary soap box for a minute. Before I do that please understand that I don’t think I have all the answers about anything. I also don’t want to distance anyone by what I write about. This isn’t going to turn into some sort of weird thing. I won’t that happen girl. I promise. You can trust me. Anyhow, just let me get this out and then we can move on.

Let’s scrap the manned space program and go ahead and spend that money we waste on endangering astronauts and maybe, I dunno, buy some hungry people food. “I’m hungry.” “Too bad old lady who can’t afford to eat and pay for your medication too. We have to go to space and find out things. What type of things? I dunno. Stuff.” Here are the only two things I can think of that have directly impacted life on Earth as a result of the space program. Teflon and velcro. That’s it. No light speed space travel. No jet packs. No anti-gravity shoes. Just a way for eggs not to stick to the pan and a way for the elderly, the obese and the mentally disabled to fasten their shoes. That’s it. Thanks NASA.

One of my best friends, Scott, is in the Air Force and has to go to the middle east in September. He told me he has to pay for his own body armor. He said he will get reimbursed the seven hundred dollars if he comes back. Let’s take the money we spend on tiles to protect the space shuttle and instead make sure our soldiers are protected. Whether you agree or disagree with this war, we can all agree that our soldiers need to come home safe. While I think this war was a bad idea from the beginning I do support our military 100%. They are no different than we are. We’ve all had a boss that was a moron and made us do things we didn’t agree with. None of them asked to be there. I think we should make sure they have what they need to succeed and treat them with the respect and honor our own president can’t seem to give them. I’m sure that made Toby Keith mad. Oh well. Back to the funny!

I went to the Cross Eyed Moose on the south side to meet with some friends and it happened again. “What happened, soon to be monitored by the CIA, blogger?” Well I’ll tell you. Within the past few months I have been in there three times. I think it’s a pretty cool place to go to just hang out. Here is the thing I don’t get though. I have been in there three times and the waitress there has ignored me every time. Today the guy who helped us out was the bartender and he was really nice. Each time I have gone in there the same girl has been working though. She is a very pretty blonde girl who really is gracious and kind to the other customers but for some reason always ignores me and whoever I’m with. Here is what I think the deal is. A few years ago a friend of mine had met some girls at a bar we were at. They were all talking to my friend but when I came over to say hello every single girl went out of their way to be rude to me. I just figured it was par for the course as to how women seem to treat me. After about twenty minutes I finally asked one of them why they were treating me the way they were. One of the girls said it was because I was so mean to them in High School. I started laughing because I was home schooled. Those girls said they felt bad but told me I looked just like someone they had gone to high school with and who had treated them pretty bad. That was the first time that happened. At a totally different place, about a year after that, some girl came up to me and asked if I remembered her. I told her I didn’t and she said that I had teased her throughout high school. I felt bad because she thought I had treated her badly when I had never seen her before in my life. Maybe that‘s the deal with that girl at The Moose. I don’t care, it ‘s just weird is all. Maybe that’s the problem or maybe I should just wear pants the next time I go in there.

I promise you’ll get pictures people. Even the girl who claims she has no friends and hates rap music has pictures. I gotta get a digital camera.

So Boston looks likes they might lose Manny AND Clement gets beaned. There’s that curse I’ve heard so much about. Thanks Bambino. I still believe in you.

I’ll be funnier next time. I promise girl. I know what I’ve said before but this time is different. I promise.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Dry The Rain by The Beta Band. It was featured in High Fidelity and is an amazing song. It is good music to write to.

TV SHOW-Ali G. This show is underrated. Watch it and you will laugh or don’t watch it and continue to be miserable. It’s up to you.

WORST/BEST VIDEO WHERE SOMEONE SINGS EVERY ACTION DEPICTED IN THE VIDEO INSTEAD OF SPEAKING- R. Kelly’s In The Closet series of videos. R. Kelly has unintentionally created the funniest thing I will see this year. Thanks R.!

I’m still waiting on suggestions on how to approach a girl. Seriously. What’s the best idea you’ve got ladies?

Holla.

-Joel

Good evening OKC. I wish there was a cooler way to say that. Perhaps, OKE City? Perhaps O-K to tha C? Perhaps I’m a doofus. How big of a doofus? Don’t let the suspense kill you. Read on and find out.

I got my haircut today and usually I am in a pretty good mood after a haircut. I think it’s because after a haircut I look like an even bigger dork than I already am. Yeah. I didn’t think it was possible either. Now maybe I’m wrong, and I really don’t want to sound mean or anything, but if a woman is cutting hair, and she is over fifty, isn’t that depressing? I just get the feeling that when I see certain people of a certain age and of a certain disposition that at some point in their life they probably killed someone at a truck stop. Don’t act like I’m the only one that thinks that. If a woman is cutting my hair and I notice a fading, homemade, tattoo of a rose with the name Jo-Jo or Carlos under it on her forearm and a tattoo tear under her eye, I’m pretty sure she did time. I’m also pretty sure that if she, or anyone from Mabel Basset Women’s Correctional facility, reads this, I’m in for a world of hurt. The kind of hurt that only a woman with a shiv can inflict on a human being.

Understand that I don’t want to bad mouth where I get my haircut so I won’t give out the name of the store. I will say that the CUT was SUPER. The woman who cut my hair was really nice. I always feel bad for the person who hast to trim my melon. It is huge. The last girl I dated special ordered a hat from Hat World as a gift and even that didn’t fit. The Hat World employee was even kind enough to remark, in his stoner haze, that my head was ‘like uh aliens’ and that I had ‘the biggest head I ever seen’. Thanks Hat World guy. You know what they say about guys with big heads though? C’mon ladies. You know what I’m talking bout. That’s right. Guys with big heads are known to have been mistaken for starring in a movie with Cher about a grossly deformed kid named Rocky Dennis.

I had an idea today that I think is pretty good. There are few ideas that have the possibility of making someone happy and at the same time freaking them out. Well not many that are legal. Anyhow, I saw a homeless woman today as I walked into the First National Center for lunch. When you go into the North entrance of the building there is a Hallmark store and I wondered when the last time was that homeless woman got a card may have been. How did I know she was homeless? Well she looked like Whitney Houston on a bad three day crack bender. The woman also had on an ‘I’m Homeless’ t-shirt. Anyhow, I started to notice all of these unhappy people downtown and wondered when the last time someone got them a card was. I think there should be a day where everyone just buys a card and gives it to a stranger. Not anyone you have a crush on or someone you admire, but a stranger that you’ve never met. This will make them smile and also really freak them out. That’s my euphoric idea for society. One of many but I don’t want to sound like some oversensitive weirdo. On with the whatever this is!

What is the best way to approach a girl? You tell me. I’m all ears and desperation.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Jaan Pahechan Ho by Mohammed Rafi. Ten cool points to anyone who can tell me what that is from. It is one of my all time favorite songs. I have no idea what they’re saying and I think I may prefer that.

TV SHOW - Speed Racer. I cannot go into how much or why I love this show right now, but trust me. I absolutely love that show.

I will write more tomorrow unless tomorrow never comes or you don’t want me to or I lose my fingers in a freak pencil sharpener accident and am unable to type.

Rest in peace Mr. Blue.

- Joel

So this weekend I got a movie from Netflix that I hadn’t seen in at least ten years. Pollyanna. Yes. I’m straight. Shut up. I got it so my roommate and I could make fun of it. I watched that movie countless times growing up. I have three sisters, that’s why. That and I wasn’t going to object to seeing Hayley Mills. I had a huge crush on her. Parent Trap was unbelievable. Double the Hayley Mills?! Wow. Speaking of which, you would have thought that someone on the set of The Parent Trap would have thought to suggest they cut the shoot time in half and hire twins but it was the sixties and I don’t think twins had been invented yet. Anyway I managed to waste another couple hours of my life by making fun of that movie. I know how sad I am. I’m me. How could I not know?

One more thing about Hayley Mills. I would like to know what tragic event happened in between Parent Trap and when she was the teacher on Saved by the Bell. The years were not kind to her. I’m just saying is all.

I went to the driving range Saturday afternoon. I noticed not a lot of people, ok, no one, was out there. I found this odd until I had been out there for about ten minutes and realized that trying to hit golf balls when it’s eight thousand degrees out wasn’t too good of an idea. Again, not too bright.

I took a bunch of pictures to post on this here blog but I haven’t got them developed yet. I’ll do that as soon as possible so you can see what I’m talking when I talk about stupid things. I know! I can hardly wait either!

I’ll try to be funnier tonight. I promise. Gots to bring tha funny to my peeps! Holla!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger by Daft Punk. It will make you want to learn to break dance. Yes. More than you already do.

MOVIE – Sideout. The best movie about volleyball starring C. Thomas Howell you’ll ever see. I know that’s a bold claim but trust me. It’s like they took the weakest sequence in Top Gun and turned it into a movie.

Where should I go eat lunch? Holla.

- Joel

I noticed that other people have pictures on their blogs. This brought two things to my attention. The first thing is that I am a pretty sad individual because I don’t have a digital camera. The other thing that it brought to my attention is that I need to be more creative. I need to get people’s attention with colorful images. Words are so yesterday. I need to be hip. So today I am going to do just that. I’m going to go around and take pictures of things to post on my blog so that way you’ll know I actually have a life and am not making up all these crazy tales of debauchery! That and I had nothing else planned today.

I was at Wal-Mart yesterday again. I go in there whenever I am feeling a bit down about myself. Wal-Mart is the best therapeutic device on Earth. Feeling overweight? Walk around Wal-Mart until you see someone so fat they have to use a machine designed specifically for the physically disabled to get around on. Feeling alone? Go to Wal-Mart until you see that strung out meth couple wearing matching, sleeveless, Harley-Davidson shirts and matching flag dew rags. If a toothless, strung out, meth head can find someone, so can you. Feeling inadequate as a parent? Go to Wal-Mart and wait for someone to give their kid good a really good verbal beating. It happens in there quite a bit. Allow me to elaborate.

While I was in the produce section I saw a woman in her mid-forties giving her twelve year old daughter a verbal beating fit for no one. This wasn’t a good ol’ fashioned ‘put that down’ or ‘put that back because we’re not getting it’ type of thing either. This was bad. She was yelling at this kid through her teeth about what an embarrassment this kid was. Now I had been in this section for a couple of minutes and at no time did I see this girl rampaging like a freak throwing bananas at people or do anything even close to embarrassing. I kind of stood there for a second and stared at the mom until she saw me and finally realized that there were other people in this world and then she kind of quieted down. Here are some things I feel this woman accomplished by yelling at her daughter in such a way……………………….

- She showed her daughter how to berate a child. I’m not saying don’t ever yell at your kid. God knows that’s impossible and most of the time it’s warranted. I think I hold the record for ‘most yelled at kid’ and that’s entirely my fault. If you were my mom you’d understand. I’m talking about berating your child. I’m pretty sure that woman wouldn’t have yelled at her friends, if she has any, that way. Who did she think she was berating her own child that way? I’ll tell you…….

- She showed what a sad human being she was. I can’t judge someone without knowing them, because I’m not God or the president, but I can say with some certainty that this woman was pretty unhappy. It’s not that kid’s fault it’s here. It’s your fault. That kid didn’t ask to be here. No one I know asked to be here. That kid didn’t make you marry some guy that doesn’t appreciate you. That kid didn’t make you eat too much or work a job you hate. That child didn’t berate you like your parents did so lay off. You did all that to yourself.

-She is molding someone’s future wife. That girl is going to be someone’s wife and hopefully she will meet someone who treats her with more respect than her own mother does. The problem is that doesn’t happen. The problem is that women tend to attach themselves to someone who treats them the same way their parents did. If you treat your child like an inconvenience don’t be surprised when she comes to you in ten years upset that she is treated badly by guys she dates.

-She is the real embarrassment. That child could have cared less what her mom was saying. All she was doing was embarrassing her kid and herself. Don’t give your children more reasons to resent and rebel against you. Trust me on this. Their list is longer than you think.

I know some people will say I’m out of line because I don’t have any children of my own so I can’t possibly know what I’m talking about. Guess what? I haven’t been shot either and I’m pretty sure that’s painful. I’m just sharing my opinion with the twelve people that read this.

Well I hope I wasn’t too preachy. I really am an authority on nothing but old Saved by the Bell episodes.

RIGHT NOW

SONG-Strangers by Portishead off of the Live at Roseland album. I don’t like live albums that much but this one is awesome. Where else are you going to hear a full orchestra and turntables? Ok.Besides John Tesh’s experimental Teshnotronic album. (I love that joke by the way)

MOVIE - Pulp Fiction. Nuff said.

FAKE FUN FACT OF THE DAY : Country superstar Kenny Rogers has only nine toes. He lost one of them in a fishing accident as a child.

WORST TOY I SAW AT WAL-MART FOR CHILDREN-Uncle Slappy’s Stabbing Stick.

I’m off to go take some pictures.

Holla.

-Joel

So last night I had written a fantastic entry. It was amazing. It was quite possibly the wittiest and most poignant thing ever written. I shed a tear of joy when it was completed because I had never read anything so wonderfully moving and I found it unbelievable that I had written something so good. It was truly a great moment. I awoke this morning to post this world changing piece of genius only to find that I didn’t save it. I guess it’s better this way because I’m not sure the world was ready for something that powerful having been put into words. I guess it’s back to being funny and pointless. Almost like Paris Hilton’s entire life. ZING!

So I bought the new Axe soap and it turns out when you use it, just like in the commercial, ladies do approach you and try to smell you. Well,not ladies smelling you so much as homeless guys asking for change so maybe it doesn’t work that great after all. Unless of course you’re trying to seduce the homeless,then by all means go for it. What you make other people do for a sandwich is your business. Who am I to judge? I’m just some blog guy who makes cracks about Paris Hilton .

The London police shot someone in a London subway station this morning and I called a friend of mine to tell him about it and he said “I didn’t think the police there carried guns.” After hearing that I realized what a skewed world view some Americans have. It’s not our fault though. Until I was about thirteen I thought all Englishmen were either butlers or villains and I thought all Englishwomen could fly using their umbrellas.Thanks American television! There’s a whole generation of American kids now who will grow up thinking all English people are wizards. English people aren’t all scone scarfing, tea swilling, wizards. While I haven’t ever been there I am pretty sure that’s not true. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

This leads me to talk about Harry Potter. I thought it was a series of books about a boy wizard that turned a whole generation on to reading. I thought that was a good thing but I guess I was wrong.Turns out this latest form of entertainment is evil and reading it or watching the movies will result in a bunch of degenerates that will bring about the end of the world! Not unlike, Dungeons & Dragons,The Smurfs, Care Bears, Star Wars, Twisted Sister, KISS, Metallica, Marilyn Manson,Elvis, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Lord of the Rings books and Jazz music. I fear the jump in logic that entertainment somehow dictates action. Those kids at Columbine listened to Marilyn Manson so that must have been why they did it, never mind the daily bullying and harassment. Also, if anyone can let me know the album, movie or game that caused Osama Bin Laden to instigate 9-11 I would love it. What? You can’t. Oh. I guess we’ll just have to blame it on poor choices and misinterpretation of religious teachings. Wow. Sorry about that. I was possessed by logic for a second. Back to the funny……………

Went to the Bricktown Brewery last night and played pool again. It was a good time and as usual I sucked. Our waitress was super cool but I think she got ticked because I kept asking her to smell me. Not really but that would have been funny.

I ate lunch at Markie’s Deli yesterday which is downtown just east of the memorial. They have got awesome food and the staff is really nice. Angel, the girl who has taken my order there a couple of times, is really nice and you can tell she likes her job which is always good. Just thought I’d mention it. So there you go.

I am going to respond to something I got earlier in the week. I will post part of it and respond accordingly. Here ya go………………..

Joel, I like your Blog. You are funny, [Darn right I’m funny. So far so good.] but you are a little too concerned with what women want. [I don’t think I’m TOO concerned. The last girlfriend I had was a bipolar, manic depressive with severe obsessive compulsive order. I’m not lying. Maybe that will help you with understanding where I’m coming from. Also, being concerned with what women think is a good way to become a better boyfriend or husband.] They’re not some alien race [That’s a lie and you know it.] …..They’re just people [Yeah. Attractive people who can grow human beings inside of them.] …. Different people find different things funny [I have only met three women in my entire life that found the same things funny I did AND could make me laugh. One of whom lives in California now and the other two are married so there ya go.] …. Don’t try and be what you think women “like”…just be yourself. [I do appreciate the kind words and I agree. You shouldn’t change who you are to please someone else. The thing is I haven’t found a girl yet who ‘gets me’. Well there was one but she’s married and I kind of screwed that whole thing up because I can’t seem to pick up on the obvious sometimes. I’m such a dope.]

Plans for tonight? Excitement abounds people! That’s right, after work I’m going to go pay my car insurance! YOWZA! After that who knows what the evening holds! I do. I’ll probably just head home and watch a movie and answer some e-mails and do some more work on Comicfest. Two months to go. I am thrilled. Alright……

RIGHT NOW

Song- Toxic by Britney Spears. Yeah. I know. She sucks but I like that song. On the CD I burned I put Baba O’Reilly by The Who right after Toxic so hopefully that makes up for it.

Movie - Finding Nemo. I love that movie and get a little teary when Nemo tells his dad he hates him. I also get a little teary when the dad tells Nemo how long a turtle lives. I also get a little teary when I read I’ve been listening to Brtiney Spears and watching Finding Nemo because it makes it hard to argue that I’m not a twelve year old girl.

Lip gloss of the moment - Tinkerbell. Damn. I did it again.

Holla.

- Joel

Not to exclude any species with the beginning of my post but this part is specifically for mice. Listen up mice. I guess the word isn’t out yet in the mouse community but there is nothing special going on underneath my sink. There isn’t some crazy mouse nightclub under there. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve caught two of you under there in the past year and a half so I know you guys are under the impression something great must be going on under there. You know what’s down there? I’ll tell you since the guy you sent in to find out never came back. Ready? A bottle of Windex and some Ajax. That’s it. Nothing more than that. There isn’t some fantastic mouse disco under there where hot lady mice are waiting to meet you. What is waiting for you under my sink? An untimely peanut butter related death. I hate to do that to you guys but there are certain lines you just don’t cross. I don’t go into where you live and eat your food do I? No. I don’t. Actually I don’t even know where you live so just ignore that last part. I guess I just want you to tell your friends that it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be under my sink. If you could pass that along that would be great. Thanks.

It appears that the response to my ‘sense of humor’ question has been pretty positive. I agree with one of the responses that basically said when you’re old, as long as you have someone who makes you laugh, that’s all that matters. That is how I feel. As far as looks go, those won’t last forever and sometimes people’s physical appearance can change without warning. Accidents happen and people get sick. My ex-girlfriend had cancer when she was in high school and lost her hair from the treatment. Her boyfriend at the time didn’t come and see her and wouldn’t call that much. When he did call he only asked if her hair had grown back yet. If you place an emphasis on looks you will only be disappointed.

Someone mentioned that there seem to be a lot of sitcoms where some chubby dope is married to a woman WAY out of his league. I do think it’s a bit far fetched, however, the most unbelievable thing to me is that these women are written funny and physically attractive and willing to be with someone who looks like that. I have only dated one person who made me truly laugh. All of the other girls I dated (2) had the sense of humor of a rock. That’s not true. I’ve met rocks that were funnier than them. Especially those googly eyed rocks. Man those things crack me up.

I do not think that women should have to bow to what society or some idiot boyfriend or husband says about the way they look. I find women more attractive in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt because it means that she is comfortable enough with who she is that she doesn’t have to advertise her looks. I’m not saying dressing up is bad but most guys don’t care. Women dress up for each other. Let me know if I’m wrong about that one.

RIGHT NOW (Formerly ‘of the moment’. ‘Of the Moment’ sounded too much like a Rod Stewart and Celine Dion duet.)

Song I’m listening to right now? - These Words by Natasha Bedingfield. The song is good and she seems pretty cool. Well I don’t know that for a fact but she’s English so she automatically gets thirty cool points. Also, a video with a group of some sort of midget beat box hybrid creatures dancing around is always a good thing. I guess.

First place in the AL East right now? The NY Yankees. Take that Boston! Way to get beat by the DEVIL RAYS Red Sox. Good job.

Movie you should watch right now? Garden State. That is what most guys look for in a girl. Well most guys named Joel who write to mice.

Drink I’m drinking right now? Diet Dr. Pepper. I’m an idiot. I should be drinking Diet Coke because then I’d be hanging out on some sort of magical, roller rink, disco beach like in the commercial.

Hours until I have to get up to go to work? 5.

Gotta go.

Holla.

- Joel

Hola OKC.

So yesterday was pretty good. My buddy Dave from Denver and I went to go eat at Pepe Delgadoes on campus corner in Norman. Best Mexican food ever. I love that place. After that we tried to find an old friend of ours who works at Deep Fork. He wasn’t there. Then we went over to the Loony Bin and said hello to Terry and Larry as Dave hadn’t seen them since the last time he was here. We hung out and played some pool waiting for Jared the bartender/comedian/revolutionary to get there. Jared? Best bartender ever. Yes. Ever.After that, Dave headed home and I went out to Club Rodeo.

When I got there my ears were treated to Moore’s favorite son, Toby Keith. By ‘treated’ I mean ‘assaulted’. My favorite Toby Keith song ever? The ‘Spirit of Oklahoma’ song he did for that channel nine commercial about six years ago. I loved that song because it was only thirty seconds of Toby Keith. That’s twice the number of seconds of fame he deserves. On with the story!

I was walking around looking for my friends and quickly realized that if I wasn’t going to drink or smoke, I would need some other vice to carry me through the evening. Red Bull it is! After drinking two of those I continued on my journey through the sea of drunk strippers who had the night off and thirty-five year old frat boys who still haven’t figured out college ended long ago.

I finally found my friends, Heather and her husband Shawn and Amy and her husband Brandon. (happy birthday Amy) They got there long before I did so they had all been drinking for a while. We hung out and I had a pretty good time. Here are some highlights that I have chosen to not put in story form as I am only as creative as (insert word that would make good analogy here)

* Huge fight where one of the security guys got his ear cut up. Bar fights just prove that as a species we haven’t really advanced as far as we’d like to think.

* Some girl grabbed my butt. I don’t know who it was but you’re welcome.

* Saw a guy so drunk he knocked over an entire table of full beers. The girls at the table weren’t too happy but they talked to him anyway and said it was ok I guess because he was all flirty with them. So the key is to knock over a table of drinks and then act like a moron. Got it.

* Saw a bull rider get stepped on. I always root for the bull in that situation, especially there, because they treat those animals so bad. I saw some dude keep stabbing at this one bull with a long piece of metal. It was pretty brutal. The bull doesn’t know any better. He runs out of that gate thinking he’s free only to find he’s got someone on his back. He tries as hard as he can to buck that person off by kicking and twisting and then when he finally does get that person off his back he is so exhausted he just gives up and heads back to a life of boredom. Not unlike marriage.

* Number of girls that talked to me-0.
Number of girls I talked to-0.
I just don’t know how to talk to women. Well I do, but not in that ‘hitting on someone’ type of way. The problem is that I don’t wear a tattered Abercrombie hat or act like a complete dope and actually respect women. That or I just don’t talk to the ladies. One of the two I’m sure.

Here is something for the women out there who love that Pussycat Dolls song. It’s the song that says ‘Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?’.That song came on last night and women just piled onto the dance floor. Guess what ladies, that song is about a woman that wants to seduce your boyfriend/husband because she thinks your boyfriend/husband can do better than you. Yeah. Good one. It’s like when Usher’s first single came out about how he wanted to leave who he was with for someone else. I don’t get how women love that guy. He was singing about cheating on his girlfriend. Wow. I just don’t get it. If I wrote a song that flat out said ‘I hate my girlfriend and wish I could cheat on her’ but the song had a good beat and some hot young dude sang it I bet women would love it. Let me know what you think OKC.

After Rodeo I went to my friend Naked Dave’s for a party he was throwing. It was a pretty good time I guess. I saw a bunch of friends of mine I hadn’t seen in a while so it was really cool.

Alright. I am about to go church (driving range) so I’ll wrap this up.

Of The Moment

Song- Rewind by the Nappy Roots. Until I got it off of iTunes I seriously thought in the chorus they were saying ‘Green Wine’. I’m an idiot.

Movie - Royal Tennenbaums. Probably my favorite Wes Anderson movie. I have only seen Rushmore once though so I’ll have to check that out again but Tennenbaums is awesome from start to finish. I have seen it about thirty times.

Restaurant in Bricktown with a country singer’s name in it - Crystal Gayle’s Gyro Palace

TV show that freaks me out - Sabado Gigante on Univision. I guarantee you that if you turn it to that channel at any time of day you will see either the hottest women in the world or the strangest thing on TV but Sabado Gigante is special. Last night I saw hot ladies throwing cottage cheese on this guy who was sitting in a tub singing. I don’t know Spanish but I’m sure that wouldn’t make it make any more sense.

Holla.

- Joel