I decided to start a series called “Joel’s Concert Adventures” which is just a flashy way to say I had to write about something other than my pending financial destruction at the hands of AT&T all because I’m sick.
Let’s start with the first concert I went to in my life. Wait. That’s no good because the first concert I went to was Carmen at the Myriad. Carmen is a Christian music singer. I remember the concert was free but the entire second half of the show was him pleading with the capacity crowd for money as the venue cost so much and they didn’t charge admission. I remember thinking at the time what a sham that was. Book a venue, perform, then beg for money from people who came to see a show you put on for free. Carmen was like a street performer and the Myriad was his empty guitar case/change receptacle. That concert was ok but not one I count. Or one I paid for.
The first concert I paid to go to was Cake at the Diamond Ballroom. The Cake show was like many endeavors in my life where I’m excited, I try to get a group of people to go, and then only one person shows aside from me. This time it was my friend Travis.
Travis and I made our way into the Diamond. I had never been there, and haven’t been back since, but I have a feeling the hillbilly sheik decor hasn’t changed. The walls were adorned with neon beer signs and pictures of country music greats. I thought it a strange venue for Cake to be playing, but since they were one of my favorite bands, it didn’t matter.
The crowd wasn’t made up of the type of people I expected to see at a Cake show. There were a lot of industrial goth looking fools walking around displaying their disdain for everything by way of mascara and fishnet stockings on their arms. The kind of people who think it hip to wear knee high combat boots and kilts in an attempt to show diversity in a room full of other people dressed exactly the same way. People who are apparently unaware they can shop places other than Hot Topic. People who probably didn’t listen to Cake.
We were about 150 feet from the stage for the entire show, which was good once Cake hit the stage, but a bad spot to be in for the first two bands. The opening band was like a Phish knock off. They played horrible hippy music which enraged the crowd more than I thought possible. Turns out the crowd wasn’t just enraged over being ear pummeled by hippy music, they were amped to see the band that followed Captain Hippy and the Stink Tones. That wasn’t their name but since I can’t remember it, I picked a name that fit. The crowd was so angry they began throwing loose change and beer caps at the hippy band. They were awful but not awful enough to assault them with change. That’s a waste of change. And beer bottle caps.
Captain Hippy cut the set short and the crowd was ecstatic. Then it happened. The band everyone had been waiting for took the stage. Not Cake, but Silver Death Stab or some such industrial nonsensical name. They came out and sounded like Nine Inch Nail’s and Live’s untalented bastard child. The lead singer sang most of his set through a megaphone into the microphone which made him sound like he was singing into a vase. The crowd loved it. They started a mosh pit at the front of the stage. At a Cake show.
The band played for what seemed like eleven hours. A good portion of the crowd left after
the industrial debacle. Travis and I pushed our way a little closer to the stage. I looked next to me and there was a seven ft. tall guy who had two round patches of hair where one’s horns might be if one were the devil. I’m not sure the look he was going for but if it was to look exactly like Barf from Spaceballs, he accomplished it with flying colors. I was intimidated by Barf because I thought for sure he’d be one of the mosh industrial types guys. Weird haircut, dark clothes. He looked down at me as people dressed like Marilyn Manson made their way past us to leave and said, “Man I’m so glad they’re leaving. That last band sucked” Wow. Something about judging books and covers crossed my mind.
Travis, Barf and I waited for about ten minutes as the crowd thinned and then Cake took the stage. The remaining crowd was really happy to see them. They got halfway through their second song when some dope towards the front decided he was going to continue moshing. Every concert has that guy. He’s usually sweaty, shirtless, hasn’t had a haircut in years and is running in a circle with his head down trying to get a mosh pit going. At a Cake show no less. As oft is the case, if you run into people long enough, someone is going to shove back and that’s exactly what happened. Johnny Mosh Pit got clocked by some dude in the crowd. This caused a chain reaction and a mosh pit/malay broke out. Cake finished their song and the lead singer said, “We consider ourselves an “easy listening” band so cut out this mosh pit sh-t you f—–g idiot.” That made Johnny Mosh Pit sulk away and out the door to thunderous applause .
The rest of the show was great after that. They played songs from Motorcade of Generosity and Fashion Nugget, which had just come out. They played for a little over an hour then finished their set. They didn’t play their big hit “The Distance” and Barf was pissed. “Man I paid twelve bucks to see them and they didn’t even play my favorite song!” I remarked that’s the same amount of money the CD cost and he could listen to the song thousands of times for the same price. This did not please Barf. Thankfully Cake took the stage for an encore and belted out an incredible version of Barf’s favorite song.
During their encore some dumb girl decided to crowd surf. Having had my fill of concert shenanigans I was not going to further her crowd surfing quest. She slowly made her way towards me way across a sea of upward reaching hands attached to people more willing than I to participate in moron hoisting. I looked up at Barf to see if he would catch her. He nodded so I thought he had it. As she made her way closer I took a step back so Barf and Travis could hold her up. Turns out Travis wasn’t paying attention and Barf had taken a step back too. This poor girl fell to the ground landing with a sound I can only describe as comically bone cracking. She was so drunk, she stood up, looked at Barf and said, “I want to go again!” Barf then picked this woman up and tossed her a good twenty feet back into the middle of the crowd, where she once again met with concrete. I was concerned until I saw her pop back up and jump up and down to the music. How she didn’t have bones shoved out of her skin is beyond me.
Once the show was over Travis and I made our way outside. I wanted autographs. I had brought covers to both of their albums they’d released at the time. There was a group of about thirty people hanging out near the tour bus. A security guy came outside and said there would be no autographs and told us to leave. Ever determined to get celebrities to mark on paper, I hung out.
At one point one of the members of the horrible industrial band came up to the tour bus door and knocked. The lead singer from Cake opened the door. Not Trent Reznor said, “Hey man. What’d you think of the smoke?” “Uh. Oh yeah. It was good. F—ing great man.” “Well cool. Did you have the money or..?” “Oh yeah. Yeah. Hang on.” He didn’t even invite not Trent onto the bus. I have to say that is my first recollection of seeing a drug deal. Rock n’ roll y’all.
I ended up getting the trumpet player, the bass player and the lead singer’s autograph. It was a great show and probably the best St. Patrick’s day of my life.
Chuck Klosterman I am not.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Guns & Roses by Jay-Z and Lenny Kravitz - This song samples Cake’s Arco Arena. You can check it out here if you want.
MOVIE - Sunshine - This movie was a solid piece of science fiction good times. I’m not sure why it didn’t do better in theaters.
- Joel
My dear friend Matthew Alvin Brown made a movie. It’s called Rainbow Around the Sun and it is an amazing rock opera made right here in Oklahoma. The film is the kick off film for the upcoming Dead Center Film Festival. I have seen it and it is incredible. I’ve listened to the album of the same name at least fifty times all the way through. The album is a well crafted diverse audio journey unlike any rock album I’ve heard.
