Photo: kcondemand.com

On Mondays, I usually watch the primetime stragglers that will decide who gets the “W” that will make the week’s preparations a success.

On Tuesday, I comb Yahoo’s list of who got thrown to how many times to see if anyone on the waiver wire is worth picking up. The rest of the week is spent exchanging e-mails and keeping my trade rumors from the other owners in my league while I tinker with my roster before Sunday’s kickoff at noon.

I play in four fantasy football leagues.

Hi, my name is David. I have a problem.

In case you don’t play, the concept is fairly simple. Before the season begins, I bring my sealed manila envelope filled with my notes from, quite literally, weeks of preparation and reading and get together with 11 of my friends. The 12 of us draft a team with 15 players, and based on the on-field production of our best nine or so players, our teams get points. The most points for that week’s game between the two teams wins.

It gets more complex, but if you aren’t already playing, I’m sure you don’t care.

July has arrived. It’s time to read and assess who I like and don’t like in relation to where most “experts” believe players should be drafted this season. More importantly, it’s time to devise a snarky, semi-offensive name for my team and league.

I’ve been able to do this without guilt and self-loathing for a little more than 24 hours. It didn’t take much of that time to figure out that this will be a unique season.

I serve as commissioner for a league composed of some friends from high school. My other three leagues are made up of owners from two distinct social groups at Missouri.

Since the majority of the owners in my leagues at Missouri have graduated, it’s doubtful we’ll be able to meet up and draft without the help of the Internet. My league at home’s offline draft is still up in the air.

Unlike the passive social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook, which just chronicle our existence, fantasy football forces me to keep in contact with people I might not get a chance to see until one of us dies or gets married. (This is the point in the post where someone makes a dated joke about the two not being much different.) My leagues can get intensely competitive at times. It’s not unusual to wake up to ten e-mails when a late-night lopsided trade comes across our league wire. That won’t go away. That competition used to be the best part. This year, I’m not so sure.

I’d heard of the phenomenon before, but never really thought about it until now. I’m excited to finally experience it for myself, and be glad I have a competitive outlet, to give me chances to interact with the people who have made the last seven years of my life so memorable. A league bulletin board post making me laugh out loud is a daily occurrence in almost every one of those leagues. I don’t see that changing.

Rarely do trade negotiations begin without a little small talk. I bet that small talk is a little bigger this season.

What would your All-Animal NCAA Football Roster look like?

The parameters are the following:

1) Each animal can play only one position.

2) The roster must consist of real animals. (Unicorns not allowed. Dinosaurs up for discussion.)

Roster is filled with:
a) The main 22

b) One kicker, punter, and return man

c) Coach, offensive and defensive coordinators

Name your team.

In case you missed it, here’s yesterday’s post about the All-Animal offense. I make no guarantees about today’s post.

Let’s start up front.

DEFENSE

RE – Hyena. I’m a big fan of the smaller defensive end, and the hyena’s skinny frame reminds me of Missouri’s Stryker Sulak, with the speed of Dwight Freeney. The hyena has a great motor, and if there’s one thing scouts love in a defensive end, it’s a motor. A warning: my knowledge of hyenas stems exclusively from The Lion King. But they were really getting after Simba in that bone yard.

Photo: Superstock.com. Because who wouldn't want to put a helmet on their dog?

DL – Crocodile. Good acceleration/quickness off the snap. Strong lower body. If he gets a piece of the ball carrier, you know what time it is: Death Roll. (Wait for it…Waaaait for it.) Try shedding that tackle.

DL – Giant squid. His non-existent bone structure really comes in handy. If a hole develops in the line, he’s going to fill it, whether he wants to or not. Plus, even if two of his arms are engaged with an offensive lineman, he’s got like 10 more to deflect passes with. And you know he’s got a killer swim move. Don’t think he can tackle? Check out the Museum of Natural History.

LE – Tasmanian devil. Stocky and muscular for his undersized frame. Good speed. No one in the NFL has a better spin move.

OLB 1 – Lion. OLB 2 – Tiger. Pursuit is the name of the game for outside linebackers. These are two of the best. No one’s turning the corner with these two roaming the second level of the defense. Lion is the unquestioned leader of this unit. Roar could disrupt the offense’s calls. Built to do this job. Might as well change this position to lionbacker.

MLB – Ram. No stranger to high speed collisions, just ask Busta Rhymes. (Note: That is fake. I think.) Do not try to crackback this animal. Wherever you put him, he’s your defense’s hardest hitter. Main weakness: Disciplined tackling. More often than not, his linebacker cronies have to wrap up running backs that bounce off him.

CB – Fox. He’s wily, always one step ahead of the game. Quick and smart. Known to bait quarterbacks into throwing his way.

CB – Wolf. Great at sniffing out his man’s route. Never gives up on a play. Loves the chase. Could set up a potentially explosive matchup with the golden retriever. Domestic vs. Wild. A rivalry that goes way back. Strikingly similar to private vs. public school matchup.

SS – Raptor. Quick. Good killer instinct. This is my first and only dinosaur pick. Technically, they don’t exist. Lorenzo Lamas might disagree.

FS – Giraffe. Surprising speed for his size; giraffes can run up to 35 mph. Neck assures no one is going over him for a jump ball. Should avoid the suspensions and fines common at his position, since no one has ever been punished for trampling a receiver.

TOMORROW: SPECIAL TEAMS / COACHING STAFF

Now, a disclaimer: This is stupid. You don’t believe me now, but in about 30 seconds you will. You’ll dismiss this initially. But then you’ll start thinking. And you’ll disagree with some (read: most) of my selections. Then you’ll submit your own. Before you know it, you’ll have spent way, way too much time thinking about this. Without further ado, here’s the prompt. At the risk of embarrassment, I won’t disclose the names of those involved.

What would your All-Animal NCAA Football Roster look like?

The parameters are the following:

1) Each animal can play only one position.

2) The roster must consist of real animals. (Unicorns not allowed. Dinosaurs up for discussion.)

Roster is filled with:
a) The main 22

b) One kicker, punter, and return man

c) Coach, offensive and defensive coordinators

Name your team.

I wrestled with this. I came up with my team haphazardly. Since, I’ve devoted more thought to this subject than I’d ever be willing to admit. But I’ve composed what I believe is an All-Star team composed of each of our submissions to the All-Animal team.

Here goes. I’m open to suggestions in the comments. Football season is too far away. What else are you going to talk about?

OFFENSE

QB – Gorilla. Opposable thumbs are a must here, and he’s athletic enough to elude tacklers, but also has the brain to run complex offensive schemes. Direct comparison: Tim Tebow.

RB – Razorback. Some disagree, but the running back position isn’t all about speed. The razorback is elusive enough to evade tacklers in the backfield, and unless it’s an episode of Lost, no one’s catching him in the open field. Low center of gravity is also a plus. Get in his way, and you get tusked. For added effectiveness, grease him up before you hand him the ball.

FB – Rhinoceros. He’ll clear out space, just follow his lead. Audibly laughs when he sees Mike Alstott/Lorenzo Neal highlight reels.

WR1 – Golden…retriever. See: Air Bud: Golden Receiver. Will always be loyal, unlike others at his position. Might not have the toughness of the other receivers, but he’s got a real nose for the ball. Needs to be trained not to bring the ball back to the quarterback after making a reception, though.

WR2 – Cheetah. Gotta have a speed guy. You say he can’t run routes. I say look at Bernard Berrian. No reason both can’t be successful.

WR3 – Jaguar. This guy’s working the middle of the field. Knows how to maneuver in tight spaces, and he does this daily in the rainforest. Not exceptionally fast or strong, but smart and not afraid to go over the middle. He’s like a souped-up Wes Welker.

TE – Grizzly Bear. Big, reliable hands. (Paws?) Big, easy target, like Jermaine Gresham. Strength allows him to be a great run and pass blocker.

LT – Polar Bear. Big and burly. Will pancake unsuspecting D-linemen during snow games.

RT – Longhorn. Yeah, running to the outside of this guy seems like a great idea. No risk there.

LG – Hippopotamus. Doesn’t need to do much, his strength is in run blocking. Strong jaws can also deter interior linemen.

RG – Buffalo. Another big body bringing the beef. Spends much of his time protecting young on the plains. A much smaller area, i.e., the pocket, shouldn’t be any problem.

C – Elephant. Mass is big here. Tends to get flagged for holding when he uses his trunk, but that same trunk comes in handy when it’s time to snap the ball. He’s really the only one who can do it. Only needs to look at the playbook once.

(Technically, that’s 12 positions, but hey, you’ve got to sub out for packages sometime.)

Tomorrow: DEFENSE, SPECIAL TEAMS