Some words of advice
I greatly enjoyed my experiences at the Oklahoman. I got (somewhat) used to Oklahoma, and met a lot of interesting people.
For future interns, some advice:
1. The company cars (or some of them) are very… flamboyant. You’ll be representing the paper throughout the summer but you’ll really be representing whenever you drive one of those cars.
2. You’ll probably get lost at least once going to the cafeteria. I think it took us about a week or so before we got used to it. Or you can just go to Sala Thai which was our favorite lunch spot (we still got lost going there too).
3. Get to know people outside of your department. I did and I had a lot of fun conversations and got to provide input for things outside of what I would normally do. And they tell you about the good stuff (free food/book grabs etc.).
4. CCI is crazy. And crashes a lot or freezes or is otherwise troublesome. Get used to it.
5. Features and news are two different worlds. However, we do NOT have siestas on the ninth floor.
6. Never blog about bone marrow. Ever.
7. Work for other sections when you can. I think I hold the record for the number of different sections/editors I worked for.
8. There’s always something to do somewhere. Just ask.
9. Run people through the court system. My editor advised me to do so for some “model citizens” who were not quite upstanding after all.
http://www.oscn.net/applications/oscn/casesearch.asp
10. Use Twitter. Most people at the paper have Twitter so that will keep you briefed on most happenings.
Fantasy Football is Fantastic
Every Sunday, I flip open my laptop and track my game within the NFL’s games.
Photo: kcondemand.com
On Mondays, I usually watch the primetime stragglers that will decide who gets the “W” that will make the week’s preparations a success.
On Tuesday, I comb Yahoo’s list of who got thrown to how many times to see if anyone on the waiver wire is worth picking up. The rest of the week is spent exchanging e-mails and keeping my trade rumors from the other owners in my league while I tinker with my roster before Sunday’s kickoff at noon.
I play in four fantasy football leagues.
Hi, my name is David. I have a problem.
In case you don’t play, the concept is fairly simple. Before the season begins, I bring my sealed manila envelope filled with my notes from, quite literally, weeks of preparation and reading and get together with 11 of my friends. The 12 of us draft a team with 15 players, and based on the on-field production of our best nine or so players, our teams get points. The most points for that week’s game between the two teams wins.
It gets more complex, but if you aren’t already playing, I’m sure you don’t care.
July has arrived. It’s time to read and assess who I like and don’t like in relation to where most “experts” believe players should be drafted this season. More importantly, it’s time to devise a snarky, semi-offensive name for my team and league.
I’ve been able to do this without guilt and self-loathing for a little more than 24 hours. It didn’t take much of that time to figure out that this will be a unique season.
I serve as commissioner for a league composed of some friends from high school. My other three leagues are made up of owners from two distinct social groups at Missouri.
Since the majority of the owners in my leagues at Missouri have graduated, it’s doubtful we’ll be able to meet up and draft without the help of the Internet. My league at home’s offline draft is still up in the air.
Unlike the passive social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook, which just chronicle our existence, fantasy football forces me to keep in contact with people I might not get a chance to see until one of us dies or gets married. (This is the point in the post where someone makes a dated joke about the two not being much different.) My leagues can get intensely competitive at times. It’s not unusual to wake up to ten e-mails when a late-night lopsided trade comes across our league wire. That won’t go away. That competition used to be the best part. This year, I’m not so sure.
I’d heard of the phenomenon before, but never really thought about it until now. I’m excited to finally experience it for myself, and be glad I have a competitive outlet, to give me chances to interact with the people who have made the last seven years of my life so memorable. A league bulletin board post making me laugh out loud is a daily occurrence in almost every one of those leagues. I don’t see that changing.
Rarely do trade negotiations begin without a little small talk. I bet that small talk is a little bigger this season.
Part Three: Who’s your All-Animal football team?
Today’s installment completes the team. Look for an added bonus at the end! (Just don’t get your hopes up.)
Kicker—Clydesdale. Umm…duh.
Photo: CNBC.com
Holder—Flamingo. Makes a living on holding still, a key at this position.
Punter—Donkey. The trick is getting him to take the snap while facing backwards. Doubt him all you want, but as Mrs. O’Leary can testify, his hind leg can do some damage.
Kick Returner—Gazelle. Fleet of foot. He runs solely on fear. If the coverage bears down on him and he can still see the sideline, he’s bolting to the white paint.
Head Coach—Ant. Diminutive size might make him work hard for his players’ respect, but his specialty is making a group greater than the sum of its parts. Not a lot of actual football knowledge, but sometimes you can get by on pure motivation as a head coach.
Defensive Coordinator—Owl. You’re not outsmarting or surprising this modern-day Solomon. Doesn’t show much emotion, never tips his hand. And since he’s nocturnal, he can stay up all night watching game tape of opposing offenses.
Offensive Coordinator—Shark. Knows what to do when he smells blood from the defense. That, and I really like the idea of filling the upstairs booth with water.
BONUS!
Referee—Zebra. Of course.
Part Two: Who’s your All-Animal football team?
I’ll save the coaching staff and special teams for tomorrow. First, a quick revisit of the rules.
What would your All-Animal NCAA Football Roster look like?
The parameters are the following:
1) Each animal can play only one position.
2) The roster must consist of real animals. (Unicorns not allowed. Dinosaurs up for discussion.)
Roster is filled with:
a) The main 22b) One kicker, punter, and return man
c) Coach, offensive and defensive coordinators
Name your team.
In case you missed it, here’s yesterday’s post about the All-Animal offense. I make no guarantees about today’s post.
Let’s start up front.
DEFENSE
RE – Hyena. I’m a big fan of the smaller defensive end, and the hyena’s skinny frame reminds me of Missouri’s Stryker Sulak, with the speed of Dwight Freeney. The hyena has a great motor, and if there’s one thing scouts love in a defensive end, it’s a motor. A warning: my knowledge of hyenas stems exclusively from The Lion King. But they were really getting after Simba in that bone yard.
Photo: Superstock.com. Because who wouldn't want to put a helmet on their dog?
DL – Crocodile. Good acceleration/quickness off the snap. Strong lower body. If he gets a piece of the ball carrier, you know what time it is: Death Roll. (Wait for it…Waaaait for it.) Try shedding that tackle.
DL – Giant squid. His non-existent bone structure really comes in handy. If a hole develops in the line, he’s going to fill it, whether he wants to or not. Plus, even if two of his arms are engaged with an offensive lineman, he’s got like 10 more to deflect passes with. And you know he’s got a killer swim move. Don’t think he can tackle? Check out the Museum of Natural History.
LE – Tasmanian devil. Stocky and muscular for his undersized frame. Good speed. No one in the NFL has a better spin move.
OLB 1 – Lion. OLB 2 – Tiger. Pursuit is the name of the game for outside linebackers. These are two of the best. No one’s turning the corner with these two roaming the second level of the defense. Lion is the unquestioned leader of this unit. Roar could disrupt the offense’s calls. Built to do this job. Might as well change this position to lionbacker.
MLB – Ram. No stranger to high speed collisions, just ask Busta Rhymes. (Note: That is fake. I think.) Do not try to crackback this animal. Wherever you put him, he’s your defense’s hardest hitter. Main weakness: Disciplined tackling. More often than not, his linebacker cronies have to wrap up running backs that bounce off him.
CB – Fox. He’s wily, always one step ahead of the game. Quick and smart. Known to bait quarterbacks into throwing his way.
CB – Wolf. Great at sniffing out his man’s route. Never gives up on a play. Loves the chase. Could set up a potentially explosive matchup with the golden retriever. Domestic vs. Wild. A rivalry that goes way back. Strikingly similar to private vs. public school matchup.
SS – Raptor. Quick. Good killer instinct. This is my first and only dinosaur pick. Technically, they don’t exist. Lorenzo Lamas might disagree.
FS – Giraffe. Surprising speed for his size; giraffes can run up to 35 mph. Neck assures no one is going over him for a jump ball. Should avoid the suspensions and fines common at his position, since no one has ever been punished for trampling a receiver.
TOMORROW: SPECIAL TEAMS / COACHING STAFF
Who’s Your All-Animal Football Team?
About a week ago, I got a message that has since ignited a heated e-argument between myself and several of my friends.
Now, a disclaimer: This is stupid. You don’t believe me now, but in about 30 seconds you will. You’ll dismiss this initially. But then you’ll start thinking. And you’ll disagree with some (read: most) of my selections. Then you’ll submit your own. Before you know it, you’ll have spent way, way too much time thinking about this. Without further ado, here’s the prompt. At the risk of embarrassment, I won’t disclose the names of those involved.
What would your All-Animal NCAA Football Roster look like?
The parameters are the following:
1) Each animal can play only one position.
2) The roster must consist of real animals. (Unicorns not allowed. Dinosaurs up for discussion.)
Roster is filled with:
a) The main 22b) One kicker, punter, and return man
c) Coach, offensive and defensive coordinators
Name your team.
I wrestled with this. I came up with my team haphazardly. Since, I’ve devoted more thought to this subject than I’d ever be willing to admit. But I’ve composed what I believe is an All-Star team composed of each of our submissions to the All-Animal team.
Here goes. I’m open to suggestions in the comments. Football season is too far away. What else are you going to talk about?
OFFENSE
QB – Gorilla. Opposable thumbs are a must here, and he’s athletic enough to elude tacklers, but also has the brain to run complex offensive schemes. Direct comparison: Tim Tebow. 
RB – Razorback. Some disagree, but the running back position isn’t all about speed. The razorback is elusive enough to evade tacklers in the backfield, and unless it’s an episode of Lost, no one’s catching him in the open field. Low center of gravity is also a plus. Get in his way, and you get tusked. For added effectiveness, grease him up before you hand him the ball.
FB – Rhinoceros. He’ll clear out space, just follow his lead. Audibly laughs when he sees Mike Alstott/Lorenzo Neal highlight reels.
WR1 – Golden…retriever. See: Air Bud: Golden Receiver. Will always be loyal, unlike others at his position. Might not have the toughness of the other receivers, but he’s got a real nose for the ball. Needs to be trained not to bring the ball back to the quarterback after making a reception, though.
WR2 – Cheetah. Gotta have a speed guy. You say he can’t run routes. I say look at Bernard Berrian. No reason both can’t be successful.
WR3 – Jaguar. This guy’s working the middle of the field. Knows how to maneuver in tight spaces, and he does this daily in the rainforest. Not exceptionally fast or strong, but smart and not afraid to go over the middle. He’s like a souped-up Wes Welker.
TE – Grizzly Bear. Big, reliable hands. (Paws?) Big, easy target, like Jermaine Gresham. Strength allows him to be a great run and pass blocker.
LT – Polar Bear. Big and burly. Will pancake unsuspecting D-linemen during snow games.
RT – Longhorn. Yeah, running to the outside of this guy seems like a great idea. No risk there.
LG – Hippopotamus. Doesn’t need to do much, his strength is in run blocking. Strong jaws can also deter interior linemen.
RG – Buffalo. Another big body bringing the beef. Spends much of his time protecting young on the plains. A much smaller area, i.e., the pocket, shouldn’t be any problem.
C – Elephant. Mass is big here. Tends to get flagged for holding when he uses his trunk, but that same trunk comes in handy when it’s time to snap the ball. He’s really the only one who can do it. Only needs to look at the playbook once.
(Technically, that’s 12 positions, but hey, you’ve got to sub out for packages sometime.)
Tomorrow: DEFENSE, SPECIAL TEAMS
Things are never quite the way they seem
Credit: icanhascheezburger.com
This week has been chock-full of lessons.
I’m writing this story that uses these “model citizens” as an example. My editor suggested I run a background check on them to make sure their story checked out (thanks Matt!). And the results were quite surprising. Let’s just say that if they were on “Parental Control” (the MTV show where parents pick out dates for their kids, I blame Ashley for my knowledge of this show), they would be eliminated as a good pick by any sane parent. Then again they might be kept for drama purposes.
We were told during orientation (and many, many times during j-school) that journalists should be skeptical and that if your mom says she loves you, to check it out.
Well that lesson was reinforced today. And I’m back to searching for more model examples.
Baseball, Birds, and a KC BBQ from a Missouri Expat
I spent the past four years in Columbia, Mo.
Every year when baseball season starts up I’m surprised Columbia doesn’t flip its tornado sirens on for Opening Day when the winds of inferiority complexes from Kansas City clash with the gusts of superiority from St. Louis.
I’m detached enough from the Royals to sit back and laugh, but every year I never understand why so many of their fans spend their Royal-filled afternoons waiting on the worst.
Last month, the Royals were 18-11, had a pitcher on the cover of Sports Illustrated and sat atop the AL Central. Most of the fans I knew were prepared to re-assume the role of not-so-lovable losers. I said they needed to get over themselves.
And then last night happened.
Now, as Kansas City Star writer Joe Posnanski said in his blog last night, the Royals did not lose because a game-winning single hit a seagull. They were going to lose anyway. The final blow coming from a bird was unsurprising, and added an element of comedy that had, until about 14 hours ago, been missing from the Royals’ slide. After last night, the Royals have now lost 23 of 30 games and as the Star so graciously put it, have “tumbled into in the all-too-familiar sty of last place.”
So, consider this my apology.
Eternal pessimists masquerading as Royals fans: I am sorry. Your team is horrible. Your suspicions were correct. In one month, you went from first to last in a division with one team above .500. More impressive, you did it with the best pitcher in baseball this season as your ace. Granted, he may have the mug of a preteen, but a 1.72 ERA (a half run better than the next-best in the majors) and an 8-2 record in 13 starts is hard to argue with.
From this point on, if your team looks like it might have some hope, I will not criticize you for waiting on the bottom to fall out. It will.
And when it happens, I’ll be watching. And laughing.
Sorry.
Bryce Harper will be at Westmoore High School tonight
If you didn’t get to see Bryce Harper play earlier this week (and considering the crowd was barely over 100, it’s doubtful you did), you’ll have a
second chance tonight at 6 p.m. and 8 p.m. at Westmoore High School.
Who’s Bryce Harper? Well, according to Sports Illustrated, he’s “The LeBron James of Baseball.” SI put him on its cover last week, and he and his father are in Oklahoma City for a few days while the Las Vegas native plays for the Westmoore summer league team. In Tom Verducci’s SI profile, one scout said Harper could have gone as high as No. 2 in yesterday’s MLB Draft.
In his debut Monday night, he went 6 for 6 with a pair of home runs, a triple and a stolen base. Oh, and he unleashed his 96 mph fastball to strike out the side in his only inning of relief during the doubleheader’s nightcap.
Did I mention he’s only 16?
Harper sent both home runs careening into the woods behind Hefner Lake Park, surely taking out a few branches on their way down. But the phenom is no deforestation advocate. He did his part to help the environment earlier in the game, pelting a Hummer with a foul ball in his first at-bat.
If you can’t make it out tonight, he’ll be making a few other appearances around the city later this week. Here’s his schedule.
No word yet on if he’ll be busting out this devil stick.
