The world needs Michael Bay.
Anyone with decent taste has all ready stopped reading this, but that sentence is the truest thing I’ve ever typed. He’s a man that doesn’t ask for much from an audience. The first “Transformers” film grossed more than $700 million worldwide.
Bay did all that without pouring an ounce of heart into the film, and if he did then it was probably covered with fire or something else wildly flammable. Nothing can stop people from swarming to a Michael Bay film (excluding “The Island,” which doesn’t count because there were barely any robots).
Here is backbone to my argument.
Imagine if Bay had directed a new 3-D extravaganza titled “A Twine to Kill” where the fate of humanity is challenged by a giant, rolling ball of twine. The back story is simple (surprised?). Scientists have the technology to combine the largest ball of twine in Darwin, Minn. with the second largest ball of twine in Cawker City, Kan., but Dr. Killington (a robot voiced by James Earl Jones) rushes the construction of the twine.
Killington kidnaps the twine and begins to roll around the planet crushing buildings, large and small cars and any scientists that know the twine’s weakness (it’s fire by the way). The film promises to be big, loud and star a beautiful woman and not Ben Affleck. It’s a sure success.
Here is the catch.
When you put the 3-D glasses on your head, the ball of twine actually rolls out of the screen and crushes you. You are most likely not going to survive seeing this film. Several reviewers miraculously survive this disaster and make sure to mention that the latest Michael Bay film was insipid, stupid and killed everyone in the theatre.
People would react in the same way if it had shimmering reviews. They would just see the pretty Hollywood movie.
That’s the power of Michael Bay. He makes well-informed, smart people disregard their own taste and what’s bothering them. Maybe it’s imminent death by a ball of twine. Maybe it’s a terrible day at work. Maybe it’s a divorce. It doesn’t matter because Michael Bay will always blow stuff up in an ungodly manner.
I am almost certain Bay knows that nothing can harm his reputation. He blows things up for a living. Not only can he not hear you if you criticized him (so many explosions have probably rendered him deaf), but he also probably wouldn’t care. Also, it’s time to film a “A Twine to Kill” sequel. Ready the twine.
Before CGI, this is what robots looked like.