About a week ago, I got a message that has since ignited a heated e-argument between myself and several of my friends.
Now, a disclaimer: This is stupid. You don’t believe me now, but in about 30 seconds you will. You’ll dismiss this initially. But then you’ll start thinking. And you’ll disagree with some (read: most) of my selections. Then you’ll submit your own. Before you know it, you’ll have spent way, way too much time thinking about this. Without further ado, here’s the prompt. At the risk of embarrassment, I won’t disclose the names of those involved.
What would your All-Animal NCAA Football Roster look like?
The parameters are the following:
1) Each animal can play only one position.
2) The roster must consist of real animals. (Unicorns not allowed. Dinosaurs up for discussion.)
Roster is filled with:
a) The main 22
b) One kicker, punter, and return man
c) Coach, offensive and defensive coordinators
Name your team.
I wrestled with this. I came up with my team haphazardly. Since, I’ve devoted more thought to this subject than I’d ever be willing to admit. But I’ve composed what I believe is an All-Star team composed of each of our submissions to the All-Animal team.
Here goes. I’m open to suggestions in the comments. Football season is too far away. What else are you going to talk about?
QB – Gorilla. Opposable thumbs are a must here, and he’s athletic enough to elude tacklers, but also has the brain to run complex offensive schemes. Direct comparison: Tim Tebow.
RB – Razorback. Some disagree, but the running back position isn’t all about speed. The razorback is elusive enough to evade tacklers in the backfield, and unless it’s an episode of Lost, no one’s catching him in the open field. Low center of gravity is also a plus. Get in his way, and you get tusked. For added effectiveness, grease him up before you hand him the ball.
FB – Rhinoceros. He’ll clear out space, just follow his lead. Audibly laughs when he sees Mike Alstott/Lorenzo Neal highlight reels.
WR1 – Golden…retriever. See: Air Bud: Golden Receiver. Will always be loyal, unlike others at his position. Might not have the toughness of the other receivers, but he’s got a real nose for the ball. Needs to be trained not to bring the ball back to the quarterback after making a reception, though.
WR2 – Cheetah. Gotta have a speed guy. You say he can’t run routes. I say look at Bernard Berrian. No reason both can’t be successful.
WR3 – Jaguar. This guy’s working the middle of the field. Knows how to maneuver in tight spaces, and he does this daily in the rainforest. Not exceptionally fast or strong, but smart and not afraid to go over the middle. He’s like a souped-up Wes Welker.
TE – Grizzly Bear. Big, reliable hands. (Paws?) Big, easy target, like Jermaine Gresham. Strength allows him to be a great run and pass blocker.
LT – Polar Bear. Big and burly. Will pancake unsuspecting D-linemen during snow games.
RT – Longhorn. Yeah, running to the outside of this guy seems like a great idea. No risk there.
LG – Hippopotamus. Doesn’t need to do much, his strength is in run blocking. Strong jaws can also deter interior linemen.
RG – Buffalo. Another big body bringing the beef. Spends much of his time protecting young on the plains. A much smaller area, i.e., the pocket, shouldn’t be any problem.
C – Elephant. Mass is big here. Tends to get flagged for holding when he uses his trunk, but that same trunk comes in handy when it’s time to snap the ball. He’s really the only one who can do it. Only needs to look at the playbook once.
(Technically, that’s 12 positions, but hey, you’ve got to sub out for packages sometime.)
Tomorrow: DEFENSE, SPECIAL TEAMS