I’ll save the coaching staff and special teams for tomorrow. First, a quick revisit of the rules.
What would your All-Animal NCAA Football Roster look like?
The parameters are the following:
1) Each animal can play only one position.
2) The roster must consist of real animals. (Unicorns not allowed. Dinosaurs up for discussion.)
Roster is filled with:
a) The main 22
b) One kicker, punter, and return man
c) Coach, offensive and defensive coordinators
Name your team.
In case you missed it, here’s yesterday’s post about the All-Animal offense. I make no guarantees about today’s post.
Let’s start up front.
RE – Hyena. I’m a big fan of the smaller defensive end, and the hyena’s skinny frame reminds me of Missouri’s Stryker Sulak, with the speed of Dwight Freeney. The hyena has a great motor, and if there’s one thing scouts love in a defensive end, it’s a motor. A warning: my knowledge of hyenas stems exclusively from The Lion King. But they were really getting after Simba in that bone yard.
DL – Crocodile. Good acceleration/quickness off the snap. Strong lower body. If he gets a piece of the ball carrier, you know what time it is: Death Roll. (Wait for it…Waaaait for it.) Try shedding that tackle.
DL – Giant squid. His non-existent bone structure really comes in handy. If a hole develops in the line, he’s going to fill it, whether he wants to or not. Plus, even if two of his arms are engaged with an offensive lineman, he’s got like 10 more to deflect passes with. And you know he’s got a killer swim move. Don’t think he can tackle? Check out the Museum of Natural History.
LE – Tasmanian devil. Stocky and muscular for his undersized frame. Good speed. No one in the NFL has a better spin move.
OLB 1 – Lion. OLB 2 – Tiger. Pursuit is the name of the game for outside linebackers. These are two of the best. No one’s turning the corner with these two roaming the second level of the defense. Lion is the unquestioned leader of this unit. Roar could disrupt the offense’s calls. Built to do this job. Might as well change this position to lionbacker.
MLB – Ram. No stranger to high speed collisions, just ask Busta Rhymes. (Note: That is fake. I think.) Do not try to crackback this animal. Wherever you put him, he’s your defense’s hardest hitter. Main weakness: Disciplined tackling. More often than not, his linebacker cronies have to wrap up running backs that bounce off him.
CB – Fox. He’s wily, always one step ahead of the game. Quick and smart. Known to bait quarterbacks into throwing his way.
CB – Wolf. Great at sniffing out his man’s route. Never gives up on a play. Loves the chase. Could set up a potentially explosive matchup with the golden retriever. Domestic vs. Wild. A rivalry that goes way back. Strikingly similar to private vs. public school matchup.
FS – Giraffe. Surprising speed for his size; giraffes can run up to 35 mph. Neck assures no one is going over him for a jump ball. Should avoid the suspensions and fines common at his position, since no one has ever been punished for trampling a receiver.
TOMORROW: SPECIAL TEAMS / COACHING STAFF