Live blog: 2012 Oscars

7:30 p.m.: Billy Crystal is returning as host of the 84th Academy Awards, but Morgan Freeman is starting the show using that distinguish voice to extol the history of the Oscars and the magic of the movies. And we’re already getting a montage, but it’s one of Billy’s usual goofy bits in which he puts himself in a warped version of the best picture nominees, which involves “The Descendants” star George Clooney smooching him and then Justin Bieber rolling up in the 1920s ride from “Midnight in Paris.” Cue Billy noshing on the pie from “The Help” and bursting into the bathroom scene of “Bridesmaids.”

7:35: Tom Cruise makes an appearance, swinging in the window “Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol”-style and then Billy turns into Tintin, chasing the nomination that “Adventures in Tintin” didn’t get in the best animated feature category. I hope Billy has plenty of jokes to go with all the snubs tonight, because there is plenty of outrage.

7:36: The star-studded crowd has wide smiles and big applause for Crystal, who says it’s his ninth time to host and jokes call me “War Horse.” They’re coming at us live from the Chapter 11 Theater, which is a pretty funny reference to Kodak’s bad economic news. “Nothing takes the sting out of bad economic times like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.”

7:38: Of course, he was going to do a musical bit. He launches into a song-and-dance number about the nine best picture nominees. Jonah Hill doesn’t really seem to appreciate the cracks about his weight and the thanks-for-playing-anyway cupcakes that will be served after the show, but Scorsese is all smiles when Billy sings a few jokes that “Hugo” isn’t really a Scorsese film because there’s no shooting in it.

7:41: Two-time winner Tom Hanks takes the stage to present the first award of the night. Tom is giving a shoutout to the longtime Oscar seat-filler, who is warming the chair for Jennifer Lopez, who is getting ready to present. “He’s not really a seat filler; he’s just a guy, but nonetheless,” Hanks jokes. OK. Thankfully, he’s going to present best cinematography now. Here are the nominees:

CINEMATOGRAPHY

“The Artist”

Guillaume Schiffman

“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

Jeff Cronenweth

“Hugo”

Robert Richardson

“The Tree of Life”

Emmanuel Lubezki

“War Horse”

Janusz Kaminski

7:44: Winner: “Hugo.” “I can’t believe they put cinematography first; it can only go up from here,” jokes Robert Richardson. Can someone make him host?

Actually, it is surprising; traditionally, best supporting actress has been the first award handed out.

Next up, production design. Nominees:

ART DIRECTION

“The Artist”

Production Design: Laurence Bennett

Set Decoration: Robert Gould

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”

Production Design: Stuart Craig

Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan

“Hugo”

Production Design: Dante Ferretti

Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo

“Midnight in Paris”

Production Design: Anne Seibel

Set Decoration: Hélène Dubreuil

“War Horse”

Production Design: Rick Carter

Set Decoration: Lee Sandales

7:45: Winner: That’s two for “Hugo,” which came in with a leading 11 nominations. The winners, Francesca Lo Schiavo and Dante Ferretti, are a husband-and-wife team. This is their third Oscar win. They are lavishing praise on Scorsese; they previously won for his 2004 film “The Aviator.”

7:50: Billy notes that the Your-Name-Here Theatre has been designed to look like the movie palaces of old. He’s sharing fond, jokey memories of attending the movies, taking a seat next to his wife and cuing another somewhat random montage of movies from “Avatar” and “Amelie” to “Ghost” and “Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1.” Now, the scene is shifting from romance to action and comedy, and again, the selection of movies seems fairly random and all over the map. Two montages and we’re not even 30 minutes in yet. Wow not a good sign.

7:53: Billy introduces “a recurring dream of mine,” Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz, who look stunning in their pale gowns and will present the Oscar for costume design to one of these people:

COSTUME DESIGN

“Anonymous”

Lisy Christl

“The Artist”

Mark Bridges

“Hugo”

Sandy Powell

“Jane Eyre”

Michael O’Connor

“W.E.”

Arianne Phillips

7:55: Winner: Score one for “The Artist.” Mark Bridges gets his first Academy Award, too. It won’t be the last time we hear “The Artist,” the Weinsteins and filmmaker Michel Hazanavicius praised tonight.

Now, the lovely ladies are going to present the best makeup Oscar. Here are the options:

Albert Nobbs

Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston and Matthew W. Mungle

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

Nick Dudman, Amanda Knight and Lisa Tomblin

The Iron Lady

Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland

7:59: Winner: Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland “Iron Lady,” for transforming Meryl Streep into British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. Meryl is up for her 17th Oscar, and whether she wins her third depends on if voters go for her or Viola Davis in “The Help.”

8:00: Another montage, this time of movie stars sharing their earliest memories of moviegoing. Adam Sandler steals the show from bigger names like Brad Pitt by nattering about going to see “Diamond Are Forever” when he was 5 and being inspired by Sean Connery’s chest hair.

8:03: This is the reason I prefer music industry award shows over movie award shows: Everywhere you see a montage in the Oscars or another movie award show, substitute a live music performance, which is what you would see at the Grammys and the like. Rumor is they’re not even going to have the best original song nominees performing live tonight at the Oscars, and there are only two of them.

8:05: Sandra Bullock is going to present best foreign-language film, and the producers have asked her to speak about them in Mandarin Chinese. But since her family has a German background, she warns she is fluent in Mandarin but speaks it with a “slight” German accent. Then, she proceeds to speak German. She’s such a good sport and cutie she almost pulls off another groaner of a joke. Here are the foreign language film noms, and it will be “A Separation”:

Foreign Language Film

“Bullhead”

Belgium

“Footnote”

Israel

“In Darkness”

Poland

“Monsieur Lazhar”

Canada

“A Separation”

Iran

8:08: Winner: “A Separation.” It’s the first Oscar win for Iran. The director says he’s happy to speak to Americans through the culture of his country.

8:09: “A dark knight, an American psycho, a crack addiction, you get to choose one of them on Super Tuesday,” with his best joke of the evening, Billy introduces Christian Bale with “be careful you’re in his eyeline.” As last year’s best supporting actor winner, Bale will present best supporting actress this year. I’d love to see Melissa McCarthy steal it, but I’m sure Octavia Spencer has this one in the bag. Note the absence of Carey Mulligan in this category; she couldn’t get a nomination for either her stunning performance in “Shame” or her amazing turn in “Drive.”

Actress in a Supporting Role

Bérénice Bejo

“The Artist”

Jessica Chastain

“The Help”

Melissa McCarthy

“Bridesmaids”

Janet McTeer

“Albert Nobbs”

Octavia Spencer

“The Help”

8:12: Winner: Octavia Spencer, who looks shocked even though it was practically a sure thing. Her co-stars from “The Help” are leading the crowd in a standing ovation, and Spencer is tearing up before she can get the first thank you out. “Thanks you Academy for putting me with the hottest guy in the room.” She’s thanking her families: her family in Alabama (and the state of Alabama), her L.A. family and her “The Help” family. “I’m sorry. I’m freaking out,” she says, panicking when she sees the “please wrap up” notice. She leaves the stage in tears, but they’re happy tears.

8:14: They do have some live music there at the Oscars. In honor of the silent film theme of the night, there is a prominent orchestra. “The Artist” is the first silent film to be nominated for best picture since the 1920, but there seems no doubt that it will win tonight’s big prize.

8:18: “That moment for Octavia is what the Oscars is all about; pretty amazing,” Billy says. “When I saw that movie, I wanted to hug the first black woman I saw, which in L.A. can be a 45-minute drive.” For his next amazing trick, Billy promises to show rare footage of a focus group from “The Wizard of Oz,” and of course, the black-and-white bit has some well-known character actors such as Eugene Levy, Fred Willard and Catherine O’Hara weighing in on the munchkins and the flying monkeys. It’s pretty ridiculous in pretty much every way, and like pretty much everything about the Oscars, it goes on waaayyy too long.

8:22: Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper have arrived and hopefully it will get much funnier. They’re going to give out the best editing Oscar:

FILM EDITING

“The Artist”

Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius

“The Descendants”

Kevin Tent

“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall

“Hugo”

Thelma Schoonmaker

“Moneyball”

Christopher Tellefsen

8:24: Winner: “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” It’s the second consecutive award for this team, who won last year for another David Fincher picture, “The Social Network.” They’re quick to point out that Fincher is not there tonight and they’re missing him. They’re not the only ones; I’m so disappointed that Fincher didn’t get a nomination for best director. The guys seem genuinely shocked and unprepared so they wish Rooney Mara best of luck for best actress and say “let’s get outta here,” literally.

8:26: Now Brad and Tina are going to present best sound editing, and unbelievably, it’s the lone nomination for “Drive” so go “Drive”:

SOUND EDITING

“Drive”

Lon Bender and Victor Ray Ennis

“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

Ren Klyce

“Hugo”

Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon”

Ethan Van der Ryn and Erik Aadahl

“War Horse”

Richard Hymns and Gary Rydstrom

8:27: Winner: “Hugo.” Man, “Drive” can’t catch a break. But I love the speech: “I’d like to thank everyone who has ever been born or might be born or has been reborn; if I left anybody out you probably know how you are.” Again, joke writers, talk to these people. They’re smart and funny.

8:28: On to best sound mixing, and “Hugo” seems to be on a roll:

SOUND MIXING

“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and

Bo Persson

“Hugo”

Tom Fleischman and John Midgley

8:29: Winner: “Hugo.” That makes four Oscars for “Hugo,” which seems to give weight the theorem that Hollywood loves nothing better than uplifting movies about movies. If “The Artist,” which already has one win, comes up as big in the major categories as the prognosticators are predicting, I think it will pretty much be a proven fact.

8:34: Miss Piggy, looking as glamorous as predicted, and Kermit the Frog are up in the balcony and the porcine diva is grousing about how far they are from the stage and complaining “it’s about time Spielberg left some for the rest of us.” They’re going to introduce the special Cirque du Soleil performance that is the performance troupe’s homage to going to the movies, with music from Danny Elfman. The entertainers are performing their usual array of athletic stunts while clips from “North by Northwest” and other classic films play. Again, I’d rather see Jason Segel, the Muppets and Bret McKenzie perform “Man or Muppet,” especially since they are actually nominated tonight. It’s not Cirque is up for an Oscar or anything.

8:39: “Wow, I pulled a hamstring just watching that,” Billy says. “Acrobats, puppets, we’re a pony away from a bar mitzvah.” He’s joking that age doesn’t matter, so cue the obligatory jokes about Christopher Plummer and Max Von Sydow, who are both 82 and nominated for best supporting actor.

8:40: Thank you Iron Man, Robert Downey Jr. arrives in dramatic fashion, pretending that he is filming a documentary called “The Presenter.” He and Gwyneth Paltrow, who is willingly playing his straight man again, have a camera right in their face and they’re going to present best documentary feature:

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

“Hell and Back Again”

Danfung Dennis and Mike Lerner

“If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth”

Liberation Front

Marshall Curry and Sam Cullman

“Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory”

Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky

“Pina”

Wim Wenders and Gian-Piero Ringel

“Undefeated”

TJ Martin, Dan Lindsay and Richard Middlemas

8:43: Winner: “Undefeated,” and my Oscar scorecard in the major category is perfect so far. This is their first Oscar nomination, and one of them is dropping a little treat for the censors in saying they wish all their fellow nominees could be up there with them. They’re ignoring the go-away music, and their enthusiasm is just what this show needs.

8:45: Chris Rock is going to present the animated feature Oscar, noting that if you’re a white guy you can play an Arabian prince and if you’re a black guy you can play a donkey or a zebra. He says that anyone who tells you that doing animated films is hard work is lying. He notes that stripping wood is hard work, getting in a booth and reading lines isn’t.

Here are the nominees, and I’m still mad that “Adventures of Tintin” isn’t among them. Please embrace the 21st century, Academy. Here are the nominees, and “Rango” is going to win:

Animated Feature Film

“A Cat in Paris”

Alain Gagnol and Jean-Loup Felicioli

“Chico & Rita”

Fernando Trueba and Javier Mariscal

“Kung Fu Panda 2”

Jennifer Yuh Nelson

“Puss in Boots”

Chris Miller

“Rango”

Gore Verbinski

8:47: Winner: “Rango.” “Someone asked me if this movie’s for kids, and I said, ‘I don’t know, but it was made by a bunch of people acting like children,’” says Verbinski, who won his first Oscar nomination and win for an animated movie. Why do I get the feeling that Michael Bay is readying an animated movie right now?

Since “Tintin” wasn’t nominated – come on, please, I’m serious, Academy, embrace the present at least if the future is too scary for you – I would have preferred “Kung Fu Panda 2″ get the gold. “Rango” was OK but it just felt too deliberately quirky, as if Verbinski and Johnny Depp were constantly saying, “No we need to make it weirder. What would Captain Jack Sparrow do here?”

8:50: I have chills after seeing that new trailer for “Brave.” I’m so ready to see Pixar give us a great, strong female character. Look for the opening short for “Brave,” “La Luna,” to compete for best short animated film tonight. It’s a great story.

8:51: Billy Crystal comes face-to-face with Melissa McCarthy in a bathrobe and spangly high heels and in the full glory of her “Bridesmaids” character. They’re pitching it to Ben Stiller and the smiling Christmas present that is Emma Stone (I’m not a fan of the bow around the neck of her dress, but she’s totally pulling it off). Emma is presenting for the first time, and she’s getting all crazy with perky enthusiasm about giving the award for best visual effects. Ben warns her that she doesn’t want to be the presenter who tries too hard, and she quips, “What like dressing up in a full ‘Avatar’ outfit? … I’m surprised you’re not in full ‘Planet of the Apes’ costume.” “It wasn’t ready in time.” You gotta love Emma Stone, but here are the actual noms:

VISUAL EFFECTS

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”

Tim Burke, David Vickery, Greg Butler and

John Richardson

“Hugo”

Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossman and Alex Henning

“Real Steel”

Erik Nash, John Rosengrant, Dan Taylor and

Swen Gillberg

“Rise of the Planet of the Apes”

Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, R. Christopher White

and Daniel Barrett

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon”

Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Matthew Butler and

John Frazier

8:56: Winner: “Hugo,” yet again. I was rooting for “Real Steel” for that one, since they actually built those robots, or “Rise of the Planet of the Apes,” since the Academy voters are apparently never going to give Andy Serkis any credit for his great mo-cap performances, since again, they can’t cope with technology. But they’re going to pick the winners of the most prestigious awards in the film industry. Right. Makes perfect sense.

8:58: Former Tulsan and 2011 best supporting actress winner Melissa Leo just took the stage in a spangled black column with a leopard print top, and the censors just tensed over the bleeping button. She’s going to present the best supporting actress award, and with the exception of Jonah Hill – I’m so glad he was nominated – everyone in the category has been nominated before.

Of course, we can’t talk about supporting actor without mention how Albert Brooks was completely snubbed for his amazing turn as a ruthless mobster in “Drive.” A moment of protest on behalf of Brooks.

Let’s hope Christopher Plummer has his speech prepared:

Actor in a Supporti ng Role

Kenneth Branagh

“My Week with Marilyn”

Jonah Hill

“Moneyball”

Nick Nolte

“Warrior”

Christopher Plummer

“Beginners”

Max von Sydow

“Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”

9:00: Winner: Christopher Plummer wins his first Academy Award, becoming the oldest actor to ever win at age 82. He gets an immediate standing O for an award that is more a testament. “You’re only two years older than me, darling, where have you been all my life?” he says to the statuette. “I have a confession to make: When I first emerged from my mother’s womb, I was already rehearsing my Oscar acceptance speech, but it was so long ago, luckily for you I’ve forgotten most of it.” He’s giving a special shoutout to his fellow nominees and “Beginners” writer-director Mike Mills and his co-star Ewan McGregor, noting “I would share this with him if I had an decency, but I don’t.” They’re giving him plenty of time to thank his family and daughter and wife, “who deserves the Noble Peace Prize for coming to my rescue every day of my life.” If they were all like that, I would love to give more time to Oscar speeches and less time to montages.

9:08: Billy claims he has the gift to look in anyone’s eyes and can tell what they’re thinking, so we’re cuing the screen where he’s joking about Brad Pitt having six parent-teacher conferences in the morning, Clooney thinking that he didn’t know their kiss earlier was being filmed, Nolte thinking “uggghhhhh,” which is what it really looks like he’s thinking, Uggie the dog from “The Artist,” who is apparently internally chanting “if I had ‘em, I’d like ‘em.” Unfortunately, the crack about Nolte seems spot on; the guy has earned three Oscar nominations, but he looks totally cooked.

9:11: Billy thanks the head of the Academy for “whipping the crowd into a frenzy” with his obligatory Oscars blah-blah-blah. That’s actually funny.

9:12: Cue the giant golden music book, to which Billy comments “Eh. This is why there’s a buffet.” Now, he’s cuing Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson, whom Billy notes have a Woody Allen connection, which means nothing as they present best original score:

Music (Original Score)

“The Adventures of Tintin”

John Williams

“The Artist”

Ludovic Bource

“Hugo”

Howard Shore

“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”

Alberto Iglesias

“War Horse”

John Williams

9:14: Winner: Score one for “The Artist,” with Bource winning on his first nomination. He’s paying tribute to the power of music, and he’s paying homage to his well-known fellow nominees. I’m totally shocked that he has no formal training as a composer. Wow.

9:16: Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell take the stage in matching white tuxedos slamming together cymbals. As serious musicians, they’re stepping out from their day jobs to present the best original song Oscar, and Zach looks sure that Will is gonna smack him between two cymbals at any moment.

Anyway, go Muppets!

Music (Original Song)

“Man or Muppet”

“The Muppets”

Music and Lyric by Bret McKenzie

“Real in Rio”

“Rio”

Music by Sergio Mendes and Carlinhos Brown

Lyric by Siedah Garrett

9:18: After much cymbal fumbling, the winner is Bret McKenzie of The Flight of the Conchords. “I grew up in New Zealand watching the Muppets on TV and never dreamed I’d get to work with ‘em. I was genuinely starstruck when I met Kermit the Frog, but once you get to know him, he’s just a regular frog, and like many of the stars here, much shorter when you met him in person,” he jokes before effusively thanking his family and his cohorts on “The Muppets,” including Jason Segel, who managed to get almost as much face-time as the winner in that part.

9:24: Angelina Jolie, who is barely wearing a skirt, branched out into writing and directing this year, so she and her bare right leg are going to present the best adapted screenplay award. I’m not a baseball fan, but I’m rooting for “Moneyball”:

Writing

(Adapted Screenplay )

“The Descendants”

Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon &

Jim Rash

“Hugo”

Screenplay by John Logan

“The Ides of March”

Screenplay by George Clooney & Grant Heslov and

Beau Willimon

“Moneyball”

Screenplay by Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin

Story by Stan Chervin

“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”

Screenplay by Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan

9:27: Winner: “The Descendants.” Dang it, my streak of Oscar predictions just came to an end. Now a two-time Oscar winner, Alexander Payne is bowing to his fellow nominees, while his partners are busy striking a pose like Angelina. Payne is dedicating his Oscar to his mother because he promised he would just like Javier Bardem did with his mother.

9:29: Now, here are the nominees for original screenplay, and I’m betting we see another win for “The Artist”:

Writing

(Original Screenplay )

“The Artist”

Written by Michel Hazanavicius

“Bridesmaids”

Written by Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig

“Margin Call”

Written by J.C. Chandor

“Midnight in Paris”

Written by Woody Allen

“A Separation”

Written by Asghar Farhadi

9:30: Winner: Woody Allen, “Midnight in Paris.” Of course, he isn’t there, so Angelina and the Academy are accepting on his behalf. I really enjoyed “Midnight in Paris,” more than I expected actually, but I don’t believe at all this was the best written movie in the category. He got it for being Woody Allen, in my opinion.

9:31: Good grief, is there nothing that Robert Downey Jr. can’t make better? We’ve got another one of those montage about favorite movies and what makes a good movie and RDJ first says “I think that’s an excellent question for Werner Herzog to complicate,” and then the famed director does it. When it comes back around to him, the actor known as Iron Man says the best movies can transport you, “not that where I am isn’t tolerable.” So droll, which is miles better than dull.

9:36: Milla Jovovich recently thrilled the nerd geniuses by presenting the technical Oscars. Looking ravishing at her first Oscars, she is presenting the highlights now. Maybe the Academy voters should be required to attend so they can actually understand the latest stuff in their own field.

9:38: The cast of “Bridesmaids,” looking rather lovely but talking about length, but it’s not what you think: They’re going to present the short film Oscars, staring with live-action. I’m rooting for “Time Freak,” but “Raju” is the safer bet:

Short Film (Live Action)

“Pentecost”

Peter McDonald and Eimear O’Kane

“Raju”

Max Zähle and Stefan Gieren

“The Shore”

Terry George and Oorlagh George

“Time Freak”

Andrew Bowler and Gigi Causey

“Tuba Atlantic”

Hallvar Witzø

9:40: Winner: “The Shore,” one of two Irish films in the category. Terry George is dedicating the award to his daughter, who produced it, and says “Now I don’t have to wait til her wedding to tell everyone how great she is.” The daughter now dedicates it to her mom.

It wasn’t my favorite in the category, but the short is a good leading-man showcase for well-known character actor Ciarán Hinds.

9:41: Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy are going to present best documentary short, but not before taking a swig as part of the Martin Scorsese drinking game, which gets a laugh from the legend. Her are the short doc noms:

Documentary Short Subject

“The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement”

Robin Fryday and Gail Dolgin

“God Is the Bigger Elvis”

Rebecca Cammisa and Julie Anderson

“Incident in New Baghdad”

James Spione

“Saving Face”

Daniel Junge and Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy

“The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom”

Lucy Walker and Kira Carstensen

9:43: Winner: “Saving Face,” and Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy is dedicating it to the people of Pakistan. Here is a synopsis:

Every year hundreds of people — mostly women — are attacked with acid in Pakistan. “Saving Face” follows several of these survivors, their fight for justice, and a Pakistani plastic surgeon who has returned to his homeland to help them restore their faces and their lives.

9:44: Now it’s time for the animated short, and there are some great noms here. I’m hoping for “La Luna” or “Flying Books”:

Short Film (Animated)

“Dimanche/Sunday”

Patrick Doyon

“The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore”

William Joyce and Brandon Oldenburg

“La Luna”

Enrico Casarosa

“A Morning Stroll”

Grant Orchard and Sue Goffe

“Wild Life”

Amanda Forbis and Wendy Tilby

9:45: Winner: “The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore,” a couple of self-described “swamp rats from Louisiana” who just love the movies and won on their first try. It’s a lyrical and beautiful film, and again, the enthusiasm of the winners is contagious.

9:47: The announcer lady just said the final acting awards are next, and with no clear favorite, anyone could win. No clear favorite? It’s a good thing she didn’t appear on camera, because she could never say that with a straight face.

9:50: Two-time Oscar winner Michael Douglas is going to present the best director award, after telling a bit of a historical story, in keeping with tonight’s old-school theme. I’m betting French auteur Michel Hazanavicius manages to upstage some Hollywood heavyweights here with “The Artist”:

DIRECTING

“The Artist”

Michel Hazanavicius

“The Descendants”

Alexander Payne

“Hugo”

Martin Scorsese

“Midnight in Paris”

Woody Allen

“The Tree of Life”

Terrence Malick

9:52: Winner: Michel Hazanavicius for “The Artist.” It’s the third nomination tonight for him, and it’s his first win. (He also was nominated for writing the artist.) He’s exclaiming “thank you very much,” then admitting he forgot his speech. “I am the happiest director in the world right now,” he says before launching into the usual thank yous. He then adds a thank you to Uggie, who believes the Jack Russell doesn’t care or understand what he says and isn’t really that good but still. “Sometimes life is wonderful and today is one of these days,” he says, adding the movie represents the joy in life.

9:55: 17-time nominee and two-time winner Meryl Streep – whom Billy praises lavishly just by listing her achievements – takes the stage to show clips from the gala in which Honorary Oscar winners James Earl Jones, Oprah Winfrey and Dick Smith received their prizes and praise. Now, the honorees are getting a huge and very appropriate standing O.

10:03: It’s time for the Oscars’ “in memoriam” tribute, and Billy is taking special time to remember longtime Oscar producers Gil Cates, who brought him on to host the show.  Others honored during the segment include Whitney Houston, Jane Russell, Peter Faulk, Sidney Lumet, Steve Jobs and Elizabeth Taylor.

10:12: One thing the Oscars did right: Let Esperanza Spalding, the 2011 Grammy winner for best new artist perform “Wonderful World” live with the memorial segment. She was noticeably missing from this year’s Grammys, who apparently had time and space for Chris Brown to perform twice instead.

10:16: Looking radiant in a vibrant red gown, Natalie Portman, who won best actress last year, is building up the suspense and troweling on the praise for the best actor nominees. She’s making special note that nobody can believe that this is Gary Oldman’s first Oscar nomination; she starred with him way back in 1994 in “Leon: The Professional.”

I still can’t believe that Michael Fassbender from “Shame,” Ryan Gosling from “Drive” and Michael Shannon from “Take Shelter” are not among those being practically drown in praise here:

Actor in a Leading Role

Demián Bichir

“A Better Life”

George Clooney

“The Descendants”

Jean Dujardin

“The Artist”

Gary Oldman

“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”

Brad Pitt

“Moneyball”

10:18: Wow! The first Oscar shocker of the night: Jean Dujardin manages to best both George Clooney and Brad Pitt as well as bringing back silent film. Someone please put this guy in charge of the economy, because he can do ANYTHING. He’s saying thank you and pumping his fist and flashing that winning smile before quipping “I love your country.” He’s noting that when the last silent film won Douglas Fairbanks hosted the Oscars and they lasted only 15 minutes, “Times have changed.” He’s finishing with a series of thank yous and exclamations shouted in French, saying it’s what his character George Valentin would say if he could speak. It’s an awfully loud finish for a silent film star.

10:24: Six minutes left and we’ve got best actress and best picture still left. We are so not finishing on time. How can a three-hour show (plus 90 minute red carpet) not finish on time?!

10:25: Last year’s best actor winner, Colin Firth, quite possibly the most beautiful man to ever wear a tuxedo, is introducing the best actress nominees, and again we get a little speech and a clip for every contender. Notice that Tilda Swinton won’t be getting the praise ladled on her since she wasn’t nominated for her scorching turn as the mother of a killer in “We Need to Talk About Kevin.”

Plus, he’s got to throw in a hilarious “Mamma Mia!” reference for Meryl Streep. Could she win for the third time, or will her “Doubt” co-star Viola Davis get her first Oscar. If the man who played “The Artist” can beat Clooney and Pitt, who knows?

This is what we know: Here are the options:

Actress in a Leading Role

Glenn Close

“Albert Nobbs”

Viola Davis

“The Help”

Rooney Mara

“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

Meryl Streep

“The Iron Lady”

Michelle Williams

“My Week with Marilyn”

10:29: Winner: Meryl Streep, who previously won for “Kramer vs. Kramer” and “Sophie’s Choice,” wins a third Oscar on her 17th try. Plus, an instant standing O for her. “O come on! Come on!” she says. “When they called my name, I got the feeling that I could hear half of America say, ‘Her again, come on, why?’ But whatever,” she says with a laugh. She’s thanking her husband first so that he doesn’t get played out with the music, and then she thanks her other partner, Roy Helland, who has been her makeup artist for 35 years since “Sophie’s Choice” and won an Oscar of his own tonight. She’s saying that what matters to her the most in her “inexplicably wonderful career” are “the friendships, the love and the joy” of working in the films.

10:33: The fourth “Mission: Impossible” has pulled off the seemingly impossible: Tom Cruise’s comeback is complete as he gets ready to introduce the final and biggest award of the night. Just be careful, Tom, Oprah is there; stay on the other side of the theater.

Tom is going to give the award to one of these nine films (which does not include “Drive”):

BEST PICTURE

“The Artist”

Thomas Langmann, Producer

“The Descendants”

Jim Burke, Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor,

Producers

“Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”

Scott Rudin, Producer

“The Help”

Brunson Green, Chris Columbus and

Michael Barnathan, Producers

“Hugo”

Graham King and Martin Scorsese, Producers

“Midnight in Paris”

Letty Aronson and Stephen Tenenbaum, Producers

“Moneyball”

Michael De Luca, Rachael Horovitz and Brad Pitt,

Producers

“The Tree of Life”

Nominees to be determined

“War Horse”

Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy,

Producers

10:35: Tom makes it official, the Oscar goes to “The Artist,” a virtually silent, black-and-white, French but made in L.A. take on classic Hollywood. All the stars and producers and, yes, the adorable Uggie the dog pile on the stage.

Thomas Langmann is paying tribute to the late Oscar winner Claude Berri, before yielding the mike to Michel Hazanavicius, who in turn pays homage to the late, great Billy Wilder.He also effusively thanks his best supporting actress-nominated star Bérénice Bejo, who happens to his wife as well.

10:38: Billy Crystal finishes with a simple “That’s our evening, everybody. Good night.” I guess being 10 minutes late once the credits are over, they had to make at least that part short.

Give me the Douglas Fairbanks version any day.

Anyway, that’s the Oscars and that’s my live blog for another year. One day I’m sure I will regain the feeling in my lower extremities, but even if I don’t, I thank you for following the show with me.

-BAM

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